The Promises We Keep (Made for Love Book 1) (111 page)

I do as I
’
m told and for a few seconds, all we do is stare at each other.
“
I missed your face,
”
I whisper.

“
Whose fault is that?
”
I take a deep breath and open my mouth to respond, but she beats me to it.
“
That wasn
’
t fair. I
’
m sorry. I take it back.
”

“
I thought you didn
’
t want to speak to me.
”
As I say the words, I know that it
’
s a lame excuse.
Not only is it lame, but it
’
s only part of the truth.

“
I wanted you to say that you were sorry. I thought maybe you weren
’
t, and that
’
s why you weren
’
t speaking to me.
”

“
Oh, sweetheart,
”
I murmur, leaning forward to prop my forehead against hers.
“
I never want to make you feel uncomfortable. Not ever
—
and I want you to know that you can trust me with your body. I
’
m
so
sorry that I pushed you. I didn
’
t mean to, I just
—
I just
—
I don
’
t know.
”

“
You just what?
”
she asks, pulling away from me as she sits up.
“
It felt like you turned into a completely different person. It was like you were on auto pilot or something. You called me
baby
—
it was just weird and it felt wrong.
”

“
I know. I
’
m sorry,
”
I assure her as I sit up and take her hands into mine.
“
I just
…”

“
Sonny, tell me. I
’
m not going to run away. We can
’
t keep running away from each other, or the truth, so just
tell me
. Please.
”

“
I felt like I was losing you,
”
I spit out without a second thought.
“
Time just seems to be robbing us blind and I hate that I spend so much time away from you
—
it
’
s been getting worse as the semester goes on.
”

“
Okay,
”
she says, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.
“
So you decided that becoming more intimate would prevent that? Sonny, just because we
’
re busy doesn
’
t mean we
’
re in trouble or that I
’
m going to stop loving you or that we
’
re going to break up.
”

“
Well, I just wanted to make sure. Ave, I can
’
t lose you.
”

“
Sonny.
”
She pulls her hands away from mine so that she can run them down her face. I can tell she
’
s growing impatient, but I don
’
t know what to say.
“
You promised that we could
wait,
”
she reminds me.

“
I know.
”

“
So then, why would you assume that you could change your mind, without telling me, and that following through with your new plan would make me stay?
”

“
Because
—”
I feel like I might be sick again; only this time, it
’
s not because of the stupid decisions I made last night. She wants the truth, but I
’
m not sure she can handle the truth. It
’
s my past that I
’
ve been trying to protect her from
—
my manipulative indiscretions that make me unworthy of her.

“
Because what, Grayson? What is it?
”

I shake my head, wishing that I could get away with saying nothing. I don
’
t want to tell her. Usually, just one look into her eyes and I
’
m ready and willing to bare all; but
this
…
this
—

“
Because
what?
”
she pleads.

“
Because I need it. Or, I feel like I need it. In that moment it wasn
’
t just about me
wanting
you it was about me
needing
you
—
because it
’
s the only thing that has kept girls around in the past.
”

“
What?
”
she manages, clearly taken aback.
“
What do you mean?
”

“
I mean, sex makes women stay. I know you want to wait and I thought that I could do it, but the idea of losing you takes me to this place. I can
’
t explain it. I
’
ve just always known or somehow learned that if I could get a girl in bed, she
’
d stick around.
”
I can
’
t look at her anymore. I don
’
t want to talk about it, but I know she won
’
t let it go. Not now. I
’
ve said too much.
Lord, I can
’
t lose her. Please, help me out, here.

“
Who told you that? That
’
s not true! Who taught you that?
”

“
I don
’
t know. Do we have to talk about this? I
’
m not that guy anymore. At least, I don
’
t want to be. I
’
m sorry that I hurt you. I really am.
”

“
My love, it
’
s important. Can
’
t you see that? It
’
s poisoned our relationship and we have to deal with it. Sonny
—
look at me,
”
she requests. When I don
’
t comply, she reaches for my face and turns my head until my eyes are locked with hers.
“
Who taught you that?
”

“
I don
’
t know that I was
taught
anything. When I was in high school and I started dating, girls just wanted to call themselves my girlfriend during football season because I was popular. I couldn
’
t ever get them to want me for me until I slept with them.
”

“
But Sonny
—
you
know
I love you for you!
”

I shrug, at a loss as to how else to explain myself.
“
It
’
s like you said. Something pulled my trigger and I went into auto pilot.
”

She shakes her head at me as if she
’
s unsatisfied with my answer.
“
You said this was something you
’
ve always known
—
but if you knew this
before
high school, if you knew this
before
the first time you tried it, you had to have learned it from somewhere. Did Patrick teach you that? Did he give you some twisted version of the sex talk?
”

“
No,
”
I scoff.
“
All Patrick ever told me was to not get any girls knocked up.
”

“
Does this have something to do with your mom? Are you just afraid that all women leave? I guess I just don
’
t get it. I don
’
t understand how your mind could go there unless it
knew
to go there.
”

“
I don
’
t know, Ave. I mean, it
’
s not like it ever really mattered. We
’
d always end up breaking up anyway. Sex only ever worked once, but
—”
I say the words before I think about them and regret them almost instantly. I
don
’
t
want to expose Avery to this even more than I don
’
t want to expose her to any of the other dark parts of my past. The truth that sits on the tip of my tongue has never been shared with
anyone
and that doesn
’
t have to change today.

“
When? When did it work?
”
she asks, as if right on cue.

“
Don
’
t make me talk about this, Ave.
”

“
Grayson, I
’
m not going anywhere, alright?
”
She emphasizes her point by crawling into my lap, where she knows I like her best, and wraps her arms around my neck.
“
Whatever it is, I can handle it. I
’
ll help you through it, no matter what.
”

I want to believe her. When I look into her eyes, I see a conviction behind her words like I never have before and my vow to be the man she deserves turns its ugly head at me and demands full exposure. Reluctantly, I decide to be honest.
I
’
ll just spit it out as fast as I can
—
it
’
ll be like ripping off a bandaid.
I open my mouth to speak and then chicken out.
“
Ave, I
—”

She cuts me off with a kiss. It
’
s not a long kiss, but it
’
s a powerful kiss. Just the feel of her lips against mine, after four of the longest days that I can ever remember, it
’
s enough to send a jolt through my entire body.
“
I love you, Grayson O
’
Conner,
”
she states as she pulls away.
“
To leave you would be like cutting my own heart out. You can trust me. You can trust my love. So tell me. Please, tell me.
”

I inhale deeply and exhale slowly before I begin.
“
When I was five, after my mom left, we moved. That was the year I started kindergarten. The school I went to only had half days for our grade so my dad had to get me a babysitter to watch me in the afternoons until he got home from work.

“
I missed my mom and I didn
’
t understand why she wasn
’
t around and why she didn
’
t move with us
—
but Sharon, my babysitter, was nice enough. She took care of me and she didn
’
t drink so it was good to have her around. But
—”
A knot works its way from my stomach all the way up my throat. I haven
’
t thought about this in a really long time, and sharing this with Avery feels a little bit like torture. She
’
s too pure for this
—
too untouched. But when I look into her eyes, all I see is an intense desperation for the truth and I know I have to keep going.

“
After a few months, she started acting strange. She wanted me to do weird things
—
sexual
things. She made me touch her.
”
Avery gasps, cupping both of her hands around her mouth. The look in her eyes now speaks of her horror but, now that I
’
ve started, I realize that I can
’
t stop.
“
I didn
’
t like it
—
I didn
’
t like the way it felt and I didn
’
t like the reaction I caused; she was very adamant about how she wanted me to do it. Whenever I told her that I didn
’
t want to, that I wished we could just play or watch TV or do anything else, she threatened to leave. She also told me that if I told anyone about what we did that she would leave and never come back, just like my mom. I believed her for a really long time. So I kept doing it. I didn
’
t want her to leave, and she didn
’
t.
”