The Proviso (104 page)

“For mocking you. For being a bastard to you. You’re
my little sister; I should never have treated you that way.”

Her mouth was open and her eyes wide. She blinked.
“Oh.”

Sebastian took a deep breath, because he didn’t want
to tell her this, but felt he must. “I didn’t paint you to help you
with your pain over Kenard. I did it for my career. I was sick of
painting random nude women; I wanted to go in a different direction
and I used you to do it.”

She was silent a moment, then sighed. “You do
remember that I’m fairly well educated, right? I can even do
double-naught long dye-vision. Did you think I didn’t know
that?”

He started.

“I
wanted
to be painted nude. I needed that
validation, that I—my body—could be the object of desire. But I
didn’t want to ask you because you’d want to know why and I didn’t
want to explain because—” She bit her lip.

He sighed. “I would’ve told you to suck it up.”

“Well. Yeah.”

“So . . . posing nude was about sticking it to Aunt
Trudy?”

She shrugged. “Pretty much. Cheap therapy. Breaking
her face didn’t cost me anything, either.”

Sebastian chuckled.

“
But
I also didn’t want to look like just
another one of your models you fucked. I did
not
want to be
seen that way and I
so
wasn’t going to masturbate in front
of
you
. Eww.” She shuddered, gagged, and made a face that
made Sebastian laugh. “So . . . I let you badger me about it for a
while, made you sketch it out for me so it wasn’t sexual.
Win-win.”

“Does Knox know this?”

She slid him a glance. “He does now. I didn’t know
he was going to hit you over the head with it or I would have told
him before.”

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head. “Tell me
something, Giz. What pain do you live with?”

She said nothing for a moment. “I take on other
people’s pain, Sebastian,” she finally said, “and I try to protect
them from it. I don’t know why I do that. Maybe that’s my mission
in life, I don’t know, but my personal knee scrapes don’t measure
up to the ones other people go through. Eilis? Knox? Ah, and let’s
not forget my husband—who won’t tell me what his are because he
doesn’t want to burden me with them. He thinks he’s protecting me
because he knows what I do. That he withholds that part of him from
me is painful. It’s not like he unloaded on someone else like Eilis
did and then things were better in his world. He hasn’t spoken of
it to anyone and he carries it like it’s a punishment he has to
endure. That’s painful to watch, knowing I’m not trusted to help
him get rid of it or even help him carry the load.” She paused,
then burst out,

“He says he’ll tell me, but every time I’ve asked,
he wants another couple of days to get his thoughts together and
that turns into a couple of months. Oh, and then kids? He doesn’t
want any children with me because of the pain he can’t deal with on
his own, but won’t ask for help. That kills me—the evil
bitch
got his kids, but I don’t. That’s not even including
the whole church thing, which he also won’t talk about. Yeah, that
hurts.”

Huh. She
did
sound rather bitter for all her
protestations of having no pain.

They stood there for a while in companionable
silence, Sebastian absently looking about for a gold and diamond
Viking goddess, turning what Giselle had said over in his head.

“You’ve always brought stray people home, Giz. I
guess I never noticed before.”

She chuckled then. “My mom sure did.” She paused,
then, “Sebastian, you take care of me; you’ve always taken care of
me. You protected me from boys who wanted to hurt me. You took
vengeance on boys who did hurt me when I was too small and
physically unable to fight for myself, which protected me from
anyone else who might have thought I was a good target. You taught
me almost everything I know about waging war, being fearless,
having courage, meting out justice. You never, ever made fun of me
for being fat—and that alone is worth every single ‘suck it up,
princess.’

“You came to me the night my bookstore burned and
you took me home and gave me a place to stay, no questions asked,
no deadlines. You invested the rent I paid you and you returned it
to me a thousandfold.

“You were with me the night I got shot and killed
those men. You went with me to the hospital and you stayed with me
the whole time I was there. You started the war with Fen because
he’d tried to kill
me
. You’ve always pulled me out of the
rapids when I got in too deep. Yes, you tell me to suck it up, you
mock me sometimes, but that’s just you; you’ve always done it; I’ve
always dealt with it. I’ve always been secure in your love for me.
I’ll tell you one more thing: Fen admires how you raised me. What
you made me is what he loves, why he feels about me the way he
does.”

That startled him and he looked down at her. She
didn’t look back and invited no comment or question. So Sebastian
waited, because while her words warmed him and lightened his load,
there was a “but” in her voice. With Giselle, there was always a
“but.”

“But. When you have children, don’t expect them to
suck it up and don’t mock them. Listen to their hurts without
expecting them to tough it out every time. They won’t have the
luxury of growing up with you, understanding when you make
mistakes, feeling free to mock you back and knowing that in spite
of everything, you still love them. They won’t understand; they’ll
think you don’t find them worthy to be your children. They won’t
have the luxury of being able to stand over you all night and force
you to face your flaws.

“Your children will be small and helpless. Your job
will be to teach them character and honor. Whatever you’re
apologizing for? Done, forgiven, blah blah blah. But take your
epiphany and learn from it and don’t do it to the people who will
depend upon you most for kindness and understanding. Check your ego
at the door of the maternity ward and leave it there.”

He was silent for a moment, both more reassured and
worried than he was before, but— “I won’t be having any children,
so I s’pose that’s a good thing.”

Giselle rocked back on her heels, her hands behind
her back. “If you say so.” Then, “In case you’re wondering, Eilis
is with Bryce. He felt it best to let him do the talking. He knows
what it’s like to be in love with a woman who won’t talk to
him.”

Sebastian nodded heavily. It was a good thought and
he appreciated their understanding of what needed to be done.

“I’m not sure you’re going to be able to get her
over the idea that you would put all those people out of work.”

His jaw tightened. “It was a careless remark. I
hadn’t thought about it because the probability of Knox
not
getting OKH was less than fifty percent. Was I going to destroy the
whole company? No, but Fen needs to believe I will and I have to
act—
think
—like I will because he knows I bluff. Then I went
and shot my mouth off and—I didn’t know how it would sound.”

Giselle sighed. “Sebastian, why do you think we’re
helping you do this?
We
know what you meant. And I’ll give
you credit for having managed to keep your foot out of your mouth
long enough to actually have a relationship with a woman. You were
bound to piss her off sooner or later.”

He looked around again for his blonde goddess and
thought he might have seen her, but she wasn’t with a dark-haired
man.

And then the crowd gasped and stepped back. He heard
Kenard roar his name. He and Giselle burst into a run and plowed
their way through the crowd, ignoring the calls and yells they left
in their wake.

Sebastian’s gut clenched when he saw Eilis lying in
Kenard’s arms—and she was very pregnant. He took her from Kenard,
cradling her against his chest, and strode to a private place where
he could bow his head over her to weep into her breasts.

He’d learned how.

* * * * *

The first thing Eilis saw when she opened her eyes
was marble wall, cold but for the warm glow of hidden incandescent
lights. There wasn’t a lot of light, but it was enough.

She became aware slowly that she lay cradled in
Sebastian’s arms; her nose told her that. One part him, one part
cologne, and one part turpentine. He caressed her bulging
belly.

“Eilis,” he whispered, and she looked up at his
face, which was streaked with tears. She’d never seen a man really
cry before. Of all the men she’d expect to cry, it wouldn’t have
been Sebastian. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that; I was never
going to do it. It was just something I’d said to make sure Fen
knew I was serious and that’s just how I thought of it. Please,
please don’t hold a careless remark against me.”

She might have, if she hadn’t seen that
painting—that magnificent creation that had put her on display for
the world as a sparkling twenty-six-foot nude-and-pregnant
fertility goddess who was loved by a master artist and
craftsman.

Eilis sighed and closed her eyes again, letting her
mind remember the painting and she began to smile. “I’m pregnant,”
she whispered.

Sebastian’s laugh choked on a sob and he murmured,
“Just a little bit.”

“Sebastian,” she said, opening her eyes and looking
straight into his face, “no matter what happens with Knox, promise
me you won’t put those people out of work.”

“I promise.”

He was dead serious and she could see that he really
never planned to.

“Then I’ll take the deal. My company for yours.”

He nodded, then said, “I have another proposal for
you.”

Eilis didn’t quite know what he meant, and then her
face cleared when he dug a ring out of his pocket, emeralds and
bright blue sapphires set in exquisite platinum filigree. He must
have had this made when he had the necklace made.

“Will you marry me?”

Eilis’s mind blew and her heart stopped. Here was
the commitment she’d wanted him to articulate in no uncertain
terms, but she said nothing for the longest time, searching her
mind, searching her soul. Wondering, doubting. He began to
squirm.

“Eilis?” he murmured. “Talk to me. Please.”

“Sebastian,” she said slowly after another half a
minute, “there’s one thing I need from you that I don’t think I’ll
ever get. I thought I could deal with it, but now I know I
can’t.”

He swallowed. “What?”

“Fidelity. Monogamy. I can’t— No, I
won’t
share you with anyone else. I’d rather not have you at all if I
would have to watch a parade of women in and out of your studio, in
and out of your bed, the one I’d share with you whenever it was my
turn. You’re
Ford
. You’re famous for making women look
beautiful because you’ve loved them so well and I will never
believe you made
any
of them call up their own sexuality. No
man who loves women as much as you do could stay faithful.”

He stared at her, dumbfounded. “Eilis,” he
whispered, “do you not know you’re the only woman I—me,
Sebastian—has had an actual relationship with? Ever? I was tired of
my life long before I met you, which is why I haven’t painted
anyone but Giselle in six years. When I met you—with that hideous
rag on, might I add—”

Eilis couldn’t help the watery chuckle that escaped
her.

“You were the first woman I’ve wanted in my bed in
all that time.” He paused. “The only thing Giselle told me about
the week she spent with you was that you didn’t know what you do
for me. That you thought you were too needy for me to truly love
you.” Eilis’s mouth dropped open and felt not a little betrayed by
that. He read her expression correctly and shook his head slowly.
“No, I needed to know that because
you
need to know what you
do for me. So listen very carefully. First off, you weren’t afraid
of me.”

“Yes, I was.”

“No, you were afraid of
Fen
, afraid that I’d
hand you off to him, which is completely different. You weren’t
afraid of my size or the fact that I don’t smile or laugh when I’m
doing business. You stood up to me when I was angry, which only my
family has ever done.

“Almost immediately, you started asking me questions
about how I work, what I do, and why. You were curious about me and
you picked my brain. You listened to what I told you would make you
and your company better, and you acted on it. You told me when you
thought I was wrong in a rational manner. You noticed that I’m
ambidextrous. You went around the Ford exhibit with me and you
hugged me with no sexual intent. You’re the first woman who’s ever
done any of those things and I cherish you for that. For the
longest time, I couldn’t tell if you were attracted to me or not,
which has never happened to me before, and I loved that.”

“Oh, Sebastian,” she whispered, “I almost came the
minute you walked in my door.”

He grinned then, silly, like a little boy who’d
received an unexpected treat. “Really?”

“At the Ford exhibit, I thought about how wonderful
it would be to be on top for once because I wouldn’t break you.” He
laughed. “When did you know I was attracted to you?”

“When I kissed you after our date, after I made you
eat that concrete, I thought you were attracted enough that I might
have a chance at seducing you away from Ford. I went home that day
and ordered everything I needed to paint you in diamonds.”

Eilis had tears in her eyes. Her heart burst and she
hadn’t known how much she needed to know this. She wanted to
say—

He put his finger over her mouth. “All this time,
I’ve been waiting for a woman who’d talk to me, who’d see me for
who I am. And you did.”

Eilis pulled away a bit then, saddened. “I didn’t
see you were Ford.”

“Well. That made me mad, I’ll admit, but I guess I
could’ve just told you and saved us all a lot of time and
misunderstanding.”