The Purity of Blood: Volume I (53 page)

The shrillness
in Darcy’s voice quickly yanked me out of my early morning haze.

I looked up to
see her holding an empty bottle of schnapps in one hand and pointing to my bag
with the other.
 

“Sorry, I guess
I owe you a new bottle,” I mumbled, swinging my legs off the side of the
bed.
 

“Well, it was full when I left yesterday.
 
I think I better stick around a bit more from
now on.
 
Someone needs to keep an eye on
you, Donnelly.”

After she made sure my hangover
wasn’t going to consume my day, Darcy left me to my misery.
 
It was only after she’d walked out the door
that I realized she was completely dressed from head to toe in shades of gold.
 
Pledging?
 
Me?
 
She had to be kidding.
 

Glancing over at
the clock I realized I needed to get moving if I wasn’t going to be late for
class.
 
Reluctantly I dragged myself to
my feet only to have the room start spinning around me.
 
As I clutched the side of my desk, I got the
ominous feeling it wasn’t going to be a good day in more ways than one.
 
After recovering my equilibrium, I pulled out
a bottle of water and some aspirin, and swallowing the pills, downed the rest
of the bottle in an attempt to hydrate myself.

Looking in the
bathroom mirror as I brushed my teeth I chastised myself over and over again in
my mind.

How could I have been so stupid, so naive?
 
I bought all his lines,
I kept thinking
as I pulled the brush through my hair.
 
How easy it was to picture all of them sitting up there in that swanky
house on the side of the mountain, having a good laugh at my expense over a cup
of chilled cow.

I grabbed my bag
and angrily shoved my books inside.
 
In
truth I was angrier with myself than anyone else.
 
More than anything, I hated being made to
play the fool, and a fool was indeed what I’d been to think he ever could have
cared about me.
 
All the training and
life experience, everything I’d been subjected to for the last nineteen years,
what did it all amount to if I couldn’t protect my heart?
 

I picked up
Ben’s note and reread it for the hundredth time.
 
I hope I hadn’t made a mistake.
 
Fool as I’d been, I was still in love with
Daniel.
 
At least with the Daniel I’d
thought I’d known, not the one I’d seen last night.
 
The man sitting on the table kissing Lucy was
a stranger to me.
 

As I walked out
the front doors of Capen Hall, my emotions were a complicated wreck adrift in
the wind.
 
I was stuck in a strange
limbo, knowing in my head I should just forget about him, but my heart
stubbornly refused to let go of him so easily.
 
My soul seemed to be the middle ground between the two.
 
I think in my soul I knew I was waiting for
the prevailing wind to find its way to me to know into whose arms I’d be blown.
 
Daniel’s or Ben’s.

This wasn’t me, wasn’t how I was raised.
 
I was made to be proactive, not
reactive.
 
But I was too confused and
upset to be my best rational self.
 
Last
night seemed evidence enough of that.
 
My
first inclination was to bolt, to run away for a week and re-gather my
forces.
 
But that wasn’t an option I
could avail myself of here at NPU.
 
Doing
my best to suck it up, I soldiered off to class and prayed that God would see
me through the day.
 
Lord knew, I didn’t
have the strength to do it on my own.

When lunch rolled around I found
my way to the Student Union Building food court and ordered a slice of
pizza.
 
Then I retreated to a secluded
table in the back where I stared at the uneaten lunch on my tray for some time
in silence.
 
I wasn’t sure I could stomach
food.
 
The combination of alcohol and
heart ache had left me with no appetite.
 
I’d checked my phone on the way in and had seen four missed calls from
Daniel.
 
He’d left messages, but I hadn’t
listened to them.
 
I didn’t want to hear
the sound of his lies.

Seemingly out of
nowhere, Tabitha sat down across from me.
 
This not being a usual lunch spot for either of us, I was surprised to
see her.
 
The main reason I’d chosen it
today was because I wanted to feel my pain in solitude.

“Hey,” I said
unenthusiastically.
 

“Hey,
yourself.
 
What’s wrong with the pizza
today?”

“Nothing.
 
I’m just not in the mood,” I mumbled as I
turned to look out the window.
 
It was
sunny outside.
 
How could it look so nice
outside when I was crumbling apart on the inside?

“What’s
wrong?
 
I know that look.”

I paused
wondering what I should say.

“Is it wrong to
kiss a guy when you’re in love with another guy?
 
But the other guy turns out to not really
love you, but the guy you kissed might really like you.
 
But you only kissed him because you were
upset because the guy you love turns out to not have ever loved you at all?”

She scratched
her head and got a puzzled look on her face.

“I think I need
you to draw me a diagram for that.”

I slumped down,
and putting my head down on top of the table mumbled, “I got drunk last night
and kissed Ben.”

“So
that’s
what happened to the schnapps,”
she muttered.

Still face down
on the table, I nodded my head up and down.

“I see,” she
said.
 
“So you and Daniel?”

I shook my head
from side to side.

“I’m sorry to
hear that.
 
Surprised too.
 
It all happened so fast, but I really thought
he loved you.”

I raised my
head, and looking into her eyes fought to hold back the tears.
 
“So did I.”

“I’m assuming
this is when the schnapps came into play.”

I nodded again
before giving her all the gory details of Daniel’s betrayal and my mortifying
behavior.
 
At least all that I could
remember, some spots were still a little fuzzy around the edges.

“Personally, I
say if it’s over with Daniel, than good riddance.
 
If he couldn’t realize how lucky he was to
have you, than you’re better off without him.
 
In the meantime, why not give Ben a chance?
 
See what happens.”

It was easier said than done in my opinion, but I couldn’t
argue with her logic.

I didn’t go out for dinner.
 
I really didn’t want to face any of my
friends.
 
I knew Tabitha would have told
them I officially wasn’t with Daniel anymore.
 
Not because she was spreading gossip, but because she’d not want them to
ask me where he was.
 
I knew hoping to
spare my feelings they’d avoid the subject, but I also knew I’d see the
unspoken question in their eyes.
 

How could she ever have thought he’d loved
her?
 

That alone would
be enough to reduce me to tears.
 
Once
released, they’d give way to the blubbering mess that I was so desperately
trying to contain inside myself for as long as I possibly could.
 
But I knew I couldn’t hold it back forever.

When I finally
felt like I should be hungry, I picked at a bowl of cereal while pouring over
my notes from class.
 
I still couldn’t
stomach food, but I was restless.
 
I
looked over only to see that the sun had already set.
 
Time seemed to be passing without my knowing
about it.
 
The Quad was now awash in a
sea of dark shadows gently moving as the trees swayed in the evening breeze.
 
When I opened the window, the air felt so
refreshingly crisp that I decided to go for a run.
 
I’d neglected my usual routines of running
and exercise since I’d been away from home.
 
Running was always a good idea.
 
It was easy to lose myself listening to the sound of my heart and the
steady rhythm of my shoes on the pavement.

Putting my text
books away, I changed into a jogging suit, putting on an extra long sleeve
t-shirt for warmth.
 
After heading
downstairs, I took off across the quad in a slow jog to warm up.
 
I thought I’d start out with a circle around
campus.
 
I wasn’t sure how long it would
take, but figured it was as good a place as any to start.
 
I passed a few students milling around in
front of the entrances to dorms along with some bats coming out for the night,
but other than that it was a quiet evening.
 

When I got to
the faculty tower quad I circled around the tall brick tower, taking the long
way around to increase my distance for the evening.
 
I could feel my pulse rising ever so slightly
with the exercise and the cool air.
 
It
felt invigorating after my day of maudlin despair.
 
But it was probably just the endorphins
kicking in.

I was trying to
block out everything but the sound of my breathing in an attempt to keep all
other thoughts at bay.
 
I carefully
counted my steps and concentrated on controlling my heart rate, listening
intently to it as I felt the ground beneath my feet.
 
But even through all this, I could hear
Daniel’s voice whispering my name and feel his touch on my lips.
 

His wasn’t the
only voice to haunt me.
 
The Professor’s
strange speech up at the house was still rattling around in my brain with a
frightening repetitiveness.
 
He’d said I
needed to stay on my level to be happy.
 
It had sounded very class warfare at the time, but I suppose there was
truth there too.
 
Truth be told, I’d
always known Daniel wasn’t on my level, that he somehow inhabited, if not
 
a higher sphere, at least a different one
than I did.
 
I guess I was fine with that
until I realized that he probably shouldn’t stoop down to mine for his
happiness.
 

What would he be
giving up in exchange for it?
 
Surely
there were sacrifices involved if he did.
 
Besides, he had no idea what he was getting into with me, no idea who I
really was underneath the facade I showed the world.
 
I suspect the Professor did though.
 
If Daniel had told the truth and the
Professor could somehow read my thoughts, he’d have to know.
 
Knowing there could only be one outcome in
the end, he probably didn’t want to subject Daniel to it ... to me.

Sighing, I
supposed it didn’t matter anymore, not after the kiss in the quad.
 
In retrospect, I preferred to think the
Professor was trying to brace me for the crushing impact he must have seen
coming all too clearly.
 
He was probably
trying to spare me the pain I was now feeling.
 
Was he kind?
 
I hadn’t considered
that before, but perhaps I’d misjudged him.
 

My mind was
distracted by these thoughts when I came running around the back corner of the
faculty tower, causing me to almost ran head long into someone absentmindedly
coming out the rear exit.

“Sorry,” I
muttered not looking up.
 
Still jogging
in place, I’d stopped my forward momentum as I spoke.
 

“Sara!”

I looked up to
see Daniel.
 
He looked agitated.
 
Why?
 

“I left you a
bunch of messages.
 
You didn’t call me
back.
 
I’ve been worried about you.
 
I was just on my way over to your room to
make sure you were alright.
 
I’m so sorry
about dinner.
 
I totally spaced.
 
Then when I came looking for you, you were
gone.
 
Are you alright?
 
Where were you?”

I just stared at
him blankly, still jogging in place.
 
I
was afraid to feel an emotion, afraid that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to
control the tidal wave it would unleash.
 
Strange, I felt weak at the sight of him, yet at the same time I wanted
to punch him in the face as hard as I possibly could, for all the good it would
do.

“Kind of late
for a run isn’t it?
  
You really should
confine these kinds of activities to the daylight hours.
 
You know it’s dangerous for you to be running
around all by yourself like this.”

I nodded, still
staring at him with an emotionless expression.

“Say something!”
he demanded.

“I’m sorry you
worried about me, but I’m sure once you get home you’ll forget all about
it.”