The Queen`s Confession (16 page)

I could confide in no one. I knew that Mercy and Vermond were my friends, but everything I told Vermond he reported to Mercy—he dared do nothing else for he held his position through the good graces of Mercy—and Mercy passed it on to my mother.

I sought consolation in lighthearted amusement. There was always Artois ready for a game. He and I made up a little party and went to Marly to see the sunrise. There were several of us, though the Dauphin did not accompany us, preferring to stay slumbering in bed. It was beautiful . the sun coming up from the horizon to shine on Marly;

but it was wrong, of course. The Dauphine making, excursions in the early hours of the morning! For what purpose? No one believed that it was merely to see the sun rise.

I laid myself open to scandal without realising, although as yet public opinion was indulgent to me. I was a child, a pretty child, high-spirited and anxious for adventure. But a Dauphine with a husband suspected of impotence should be very careful. The innocent excursion to Marly was noted; and Madame de Noailles pointed out to me that such a reckless adventure should not be repeated.

What to do to relieve the boredom! If I could go to Paris, how much more interesting life would be. In Paris there was excitement. It was a busy city; there were balls which were held at the opera house. How I longed to dance, masked, to mingle with the crowds and none know I was the Dauphine, to escape for a while from that eternal etiquette I “Your entry into Paris must be official,” Madame de Noailles told me.

When, when? ” I demanded.

“That is for His Majesty to decide.”

I was frustrated. The great city was so near and yet I was not allowed to visit it. One could reach it in little more than an hour by carriage. How absurd, how ridiculous, that I was forbidden to go!

I spoke to the aunts about my desire. They were no longer so affectionate, although Adelaide pretended to be, but Vie “5

to ire and Sophie could not hide their changed feelings. They watched me furtively when I was in the apartments. I had not obeyed Adelaide over the du Barry affair. I was therefore foolish and unpredictable.

You could not go to Paris . just like that,” said Adelaide.

“It would have to be arranged.”

My husband said that he supposed I should go when the time came. Could he not do something about granting my wish? He wanted to please me whenever he could, but this was not a matter for him to decide.

Even Artois was evasive. I came to the conclusion that none of them wanted me to go to Paris.

“It would not at this time be etiquette,” Artois explained. You know Grandpapa never goes. He hates Paris because Paris no longer likes him. If you went they would cheer you because you are young and pretty, and they would not cheer Grandfather. You can’t have the Dauphine cheered and the King insulted. It would not be etiquette. “

I decided that I would ask the King myself, for I was sure that if I chose the right moment he would be unable to refuse me, for since I had spoken to Madame du Barry and had been less friendly with the aunts he had become very affectionate towards me. He always embraced me warmly when I visited him and complimented me on my appearance I was growing up charmingly, he said. Sometimes he came to breakfast with me; and when he came he liked to make the coffee himself, and this was more than making a cup of coffee: within the rules of etiquette it meant that he accepted me wholeheartedly as one of the family and one who pleased him very much.

Sometimes I would bring out the waistcoat I was em broidering and show it to him.

“But it is magnificent,” he would say.

“When, I wonder, shall I have the pleasure of wearing it?”

“Perhaps in five years’ time. Papa … or ten.” It was a joke between us.

So I chose my moment and said to him: “Papa, I have been your daughter for three years and I have never seen your capital city. I long to go

to Paris.” ‘ll6 He hesitated, and then he said: “Naturally you will go Acre … in time.”

“How long. Papa? How long?”

I went to him and, putting my arms about his neck, laughed.

“You are amused ” Thinking how fortunate it is that Madame 1”Etiquette is not here to see me do this.”

He laughed too. He appreciated the name I had given Madame de Noailles, for he was a great giver of nicknames himself.

“Fortunate for me,” he said, taking my hands and holding them there about his neck.

“Papa, I want to go to Paris. You will give the permission Etiquette demands?”

“Ah—Etiquette and Madame la Dauphine—both are irresistible, but Madame more so.”

So it was as simple as that. All I had to do was ask prettily, and there had been all this unnecessary fuss!

Now I would show them all. The King had given me his permission 1 “There will be so much to do,” I said.

“This is going to delay work on your waistcoat.”

“Then I shall not have it within ten years after all.”

I put my head on one side and smiled at him.

“I promise you I shall work harder than ever, and every flower will be worked with love.”

“Which will be far more beautiful than silk, I am sure Then I embraced him warmly, wishing that I could persuade my mother as easily as I did the King of France.

So—to Paris. I went triumphantly to my husband and told him that I had persuaded the King. He was mildly surprised, but delighted as he always was when my whims were granted.

I told Artois.

“To Paris! How I long to dance at the opera ball. Do you know, if the King had refused I was going to ask you to make up a party and come with me—disguised.”

Artois’s eyes gleamed. He was adventurous by nature, but there was, too, a love of mischief very similar to that of the aunts. Artois was sympathetic to me, and yet he loved trouble for its own sake and he would have enjoyed seeing me involved in it. Well,” he said, ‘are you asking me now?” But I am going . ceremoniously, as Etiquette would j have it. “

He snapped his fingers at Etiquette.

“Let’s defy the old creature.” i How?

” I’ “

By forestalling her. We will dress ourselves in dominoes; j we will be masked and drive out from Versailles. Unrecog-j promised we will go to the masked ball. ” ‘, I looked at him in astonishment, but he had seized me and j was dancing with me round the apartment. I was caught up in the excitement of the project. What fun! To snap our fingers at Etiquette! Secretly to go to Paris before the ceremony she demanded. Why had not Artois thought of this months ago?

He kissed my hands too fervently for a brother-in-law;

his bold eyes were caressing. I decided that I would persuade my husband to come with us.

Louis was perplexed. But why go to Paris incognito when in such a short time I could go openly?

Because it is much more fun like this. “

He wrinkled his brows to try to understand my sort of fun. Dear Louis!

He could no more understand why this adventure appealed to me than I could understand why covering himself with plaster and taking locks to pieces pleased him.

I looked at him appealingly.

“I want to go, and I know you want me to enjoy myself.”

He did. There was a world of understanding between us. He could not apologise for those distasteful sessions in the bedchamber, although he wanted to. His way of doing so was to indulge me all he could. He thought the plan a wild one, but if I was set on doing something so

reckless, it would at least be less so if he accompanied me. ‘ll8 So dear kind Louis agreed to come, and late in the evening, our dominoes wrapped around us, our masks disguising our faces, we set out along the road to Paris.

It was one of the most thrilling evenings I had so far known. There was an excitement in Paris which caught at me and enveloped me. I had wasted three whole years with this delightful city only an hour or so’s ride away and I had never seen it until this night. Artois I was seated between him and my husband pointed out the Invalides, the Bastille, the Hotel de Ville, the Tuileries and towering Notre Dame. I was aware of the people in the streets, for Paris never seemed to sleep. I saw the bridges and the gleaming river, but it was typical of me that what made most impression on me that night was the Opera House.

I shall never forget the excitement the crowds of people, the music, the dancing. How happy I was! I forgot every thing in the joy of dancing; and here the dancers were more abandoned. Several sought to partner me but my husband would not allow that, and I was surprised by his quiet dignity which even in his disguise was apparent.

So I danced with him and Artois and some of the members of our little band of adventurers who on Louis’s orders kept a dose guard on me.

The Opera House it is so clear in my memory now its great chandeliers, the light from thousands of candles, the smell of pomade and the faint haze of powder in the air. It spells romance to me because of one whom in the not very distant future I was to meet there. I should always feel that the Paris Opera House has a very special place in my most tender memories.

On that night, by great good luck which we did not deserve, nothing unfortunate happened. We had danced well into the night, and dawn was breaking when. we came back along the road to Versailles.

Next morning we were all at Mass, bright-eyed and innocent, as though we were quite incapable of indulging in such a reckless adventure.

Artois and I congratulated ourselves on having made a gesture of defiance at Etiquette.

The day for the formal entry into Paris arrived, and, having seen the city by night with all its fascinating contrasts, its magnificent buildings and that air of gaiety which was all its own, I was longing to be there.

Paris 1 The city that loved me in the beginning and then wearied of me and rejected and hated me. It looked rather like a great ship, with Notre Dame as its stem, and its prow the old Font Neuf on the Islet of Cow-Ferryman.

It was a perfect day. There were blue skies and sunshine. All along the road from Versailles to Paris the people stood waiting for us to pass. When they saw me they shouted a greeting. My husband beside me drew back, so that everyone could see me.

“They are shouting for us,” I said to him.

“They like us.”

“No,” he answered, ‘they are shouting for you. “

I was delighted, for nothing pleased me more than admiration. I responded to it; I sat there smiling and inclining my head and they called out that I was as pretty as a picture.

“Long live our Dauphine!” they said.

Provence and Marie Josephe looked sour, unable to hide their jealousy;

and I smiled more dazzlingly and aroused more cheers.

As we approached the city I could scarcely sit still, so excited was I. I saw a mass of faces; flowers were flung at my carriage; flags were waved and there were loyal greetings everywhere.

At the gates of the city the Marechal de Brissac, who was Governor of the City, was waiting for me with a silver plate on which lay the keys of the city, and amid the roars of approval he handed these to me.

Then from the Invalides the guns boomed out, followed by those of the Hotel de Ville and the Bastille.

Oh, what a wonderful sight 1 All those people gathered to welcome me to their city.

I heard their comments.

“Oh, is she not lovely 1 What a little beauty 1 As dainty as a fairy 1’

Dear people! How I loved them! In a transport of emotion I kissed my hands to them and they responded joyfully.

All the women from the markets wearing their best clothes of black silk had assembled to greet me, and they called out to me that they were pleased to see me in the city. I was struck by the proprietorial air of all these people. This was their city, not the King’s. If the King had no love for Paris well, Paris could do without him. Paris belonged to the merchants, the market women, the tradesmen, the apprentices. That was the message I received that day. It was theirs and they welcomed me to it because I was young and pretty and had shown that I wanted them to like me. I was in love with Paris, so Paris was in love with me.

What a procession! We were escorted by the King’s own bodyguards, and behind our coach were three others containing our attendants.

When the keys had been presented to me we drove into the city to Notre Dame, where we attended Mass, and after that we made our way to the college of Louis Ie Grand, where at Sainte Genevieve, the Abbot and his Chapter were waiting for us.

Having listened to his greetings we passed on; under the triumphal arches we went through Paris so that all those who had assembled might have a glimpse of me.

It was one of the most thrilling experiences of my life. I was really happy. I had the glorious feeling that everything was coming right.

And at last we came to the Tuileries, where we were to dine, and the crowd in the garden was bigger than anything I had ever known.

No sooner were we inside than the people began to shout for us.

Monsieur de Brissac said: They will not be content unless you show yourselves. “

“Then,” I replied, ‘we will do so, for I could not disappoint the people of Paris. “

So we went on to the balcony, and when they saw me there the people in

the gardens began to cheer me and 121 call long life to me; and I stood there smiling and bowing and was very happy.

But she is adorable I’ they cried.

“She is lovely 1 May God bless our enchanting little Dauphine!”

I was so happy. I had suffered so much criticism from my mother and Mercy that I yearned for approval; and here it was in larger doses than I had ever known before.

“Oh, the dear, dear people!” I cried.

“How I love them. Man dieu, what crowds! How many of them are there!”

Monsieur de Brissac, standing beside me, smiled, and then bowing he said: “Madame, I hope Monsieur Ie Dauphin will not be offended, but down there are two hundred thousand people who have fallen in love with you.”

And that’ was the most delightful thing, I assured him, that had ever happened to me.

Paris had taken me to its heart and I had taken Paris to mine.