The Randy Romance Novelist (18 page)

“It wasn’t painful, scarier than anything. You didn’t have that same problem?”

“No,” Derk laughed. “Then again, I didn’t run my dick along it either. What were you thinking?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I have no clue. I was turned on, and I guess I wasn’t thinking. It looked fucking sexy on her. Didn’t you like Delaney’s?”

“Surprisingly, I did.”

“Why do you say it like that?” I took a sip of my beer, waiting for his answer.

“I don’t know. I’ve never really been into the whole frilly vagina stuff. I don’t care if Delaney waxes or bedazzles her pussy. Let’s be honest, it’s a pocket of goodness I like shoving my dick in, as long as I don’t have to sift through the Amazon to get to it, then I’m good.”

“I think every guy has the same thought. It was just something new and different.”

Derk smirked over his beer bottle before taking a sip. Once he swallowed, he said, “You know that old saying, about how you become the person you’re in a relationship with?”

“Yeah . . .” I said skeptically. “Wait, you don’t think I’ve become Rosie, do you?”

“Dude, you got a gem stuck in your dick hole. Shit like that only happens to Rosie.”

He had a point.

“I’ve been feeling off my game lately,” I admitted, trying to come up with a reason as to why I corked up my log with a diamond.

“Ah, is this going to be one of those nights? I wasn’t ready for some serious guy talk. Do we need shots?”

“No,” I chuckled. “Unless you can’t handle a little man on man action.” Derk looked at me funny and then I heard what I said. “Umm, I mean man talk. Not man on man action. No sword fights tonight.”

“As opposed to other nights?” Derk asked.

“Shit, I am becoming Rosie.”

We both laughed and ordered shots, maybe they were going to be needed. In all honesty, I really was feeling off my game lately. I tried to keep it together, but with Rosie’s inability to fill her need for my penis, the whole Tasha fiasco, and the pressure at work, I wasn’t feeling myself, and it was bothering me. I felt like I was spiraling out of control and I didn’t know how to stop it. A lot of it had to do with Rosie’s erratic behavior. It was one of the reasons I asked Derk out for drinks and some guy time. I had some serious questions to ask him.

Once our shots arrived, we clinked our glasses together and downed them. I chased mine with some beer, trying to wash the harsh taste out of my mouth.

“Shit that was gross,” Derk said, wiping his mouth.

“Pretty much. I think we’re getting too old to be doing shots.”

“I’m going to have to agree with you. So, you’re having lady problems?” Derk folded his hands together and gave me his utmost attention.

Smart ass.

“Not really lady problems. Well, maybe. I don’t know. Rosie’s been acting seriously insane lately. And I know she’s quirky, which I adore about her, but this is different. Her emotions are so unpredictable. One minute she could be laughing her ass off and pointing at the cat while he licks the window screen, and then she could be crying hysterically because the cat didn’t lick vertically, he licked horizontally.”

“That makes no sense.”

“I know!” I almost shouted. “But it’s true. And when she’s not laughing or crying uncontrollably, she’s trying to eat away at my dick.”

“That’s never a bad thing.”

I held up my hands in defense. “Don’t get me wrong, I love sex, especially with Rosie. It’s exciting and fun, and fuck, her body is amazing, but I honestly think she is going to break my dick.”

“Is she doing weird moves?” Derk asked, a squint to his face.

“Well, yeah, but that’s not what I mean. I think she is going to break my dick, like I won’t be able to get it up anymore.”

“Why? Too much sex?” I nodded, and he laughed. “Dude, there is no such thing as too much sex.”

“Oh, really? How many times a week do you and Delaney do it. And when I say do it, I mean both of you are meeting completion.”

“Fuck, don’t say meet completion. Come on, man, just say orgasmed.”

“Fine, how many times do you both orgasm in a week?” I thought my phrase sounded better, but I wasn’t about to argue with Derk right now; I wanted to prove him wrong . . . that there was such a thing as too much sex.

“Let’s see, on average?” he asked. I nodded and watched him mentally count out his number. “On average, I would say probably ten times a week.”

“Ten, and you feel good about ten?”

“I feel damn good about ten,” Derk replied with his chest puffed out. “I’ve been with Delaney since college; the fact that she still wants my dick that much is an accomplishment. Why? What’s your number?”

I played with my beer bottle on the counter of the bar, preparing to give out my number. I knew Derk wasn’t going to believe me, but I didn’t want to lie either. “On average, twenty-five times a week.”

From the corner of my eye, I could see Derk’s mouth drop from hearing my number. “No fucking way. You do not have sex on average twenty-five times a week.”

I nodded my head, yes, not able to make eye contact with him. “And that’s not even being generous. If I really had to count it up, I would say probably thirty to thirty-five times a week.”

“How is that even possible?”

“I have no clue. Every morning when we wake up, then in the shower, sometimes before we leave for work. I have to set the alarm clock for an earlier time now just to make sure Rosie is satisfied before I leave. Then when I get home, she attacks me at the door. Usually after we eat and always before we go to bed. Then there’s the nights where I wake up to her straddling me. I’m not kidding, dude, I really think she is going to break my penis.”

To be fair, I did initiate sex as well, but she did it way more than me. And sometimes, the only reason I initiated it to begin with was because she gave me those “fuck me” eyes. I couldn’t deny them . . . ever.

“Man, the girl loses her virginity and now she can’t get enough. Well, good for you.” Derk patted me on the back. “You’ve got yourself a winner.”

“I knew that before all the sex, you asshat. I’m seriously concerned. The other day, before they went to get vajazzled, she couldn’t fit in her jeans, and she nearly lost it. And fuck, she wouldn’t stop complaining about her pussy being heavy or purple, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Every time I go to eat her out, she is concerned about her pussy being purple. I don’t even know how to react to that. I mean, is that even a thing?”

Derk chuckled while he sipped his beer. “Dude, are you listening to yourself?”

“Yeah, I have ears. What’s your point?”

He laughed some more and shook his head. “You so got her pregnant.”

“What?!” I shouted, not able to keep my voice down. “I did not get her fucking pregnant. We use protection every time. There is no way.”

Derk grew serious. He turned to me and held out his hand as he counted off symptoms. “Erratic behavior, weight gain, horny, and a heavy pussy. She’s pregnant.”

“No way. If she was pregnant, then wouldn’t she be throwing up everywhere? And how the fuck would you even know? You’re not a doctor.”

“Yeah, but my dad is a gynecologist. I know way too much about the female body; things no man should know. Your girl is knocked up. You’re a baby daddy.”

Anger started to boil inside of me. There was no way Rosie was pregnant. Yes, she was acting weird, and maybe her boobs seemed a little bigger than normal, but that could go hand in hand with her weight gain. We used condoms every time and none of them ever broke. I made sure to check.

“She’s not pregnant,” I shook my head in denial, even though there was a voice in the back of my head agreeing with Derk.

“Okay, but don’t tell me I didn’t tell you so.”

We sat in silence as I thought about the bomb Derk just dropped on me. Rosie . . . pregnant. Shit, we weren’t ready for a baby. Could we even afford a baby right now? Our Broadway apartment would probably have to be leased out to someone else, especially if I didn’t get that promotion. Would we even want to raise a kid in the city?

Fuck, did she want a kid with me? What if she didn’t want kids? What if she didn’t want to have a future with me? Having kids with another person pretty much cements them in your life forever. Would she want to be my forever?

“You’re sweating, a lot,” Derk pointed out.

I could feel the sweat dripping down my back. In a matter of seconds, my life was flipped upside down. Was she really pregnant? I tried to think of the last time she had her period. Had she even had her period since we’d been together?

“Holy shit,” I breathed out heavily.

“What?” Derk asked, his body completely turned to mine, concern laced in his eyes.

“This is going to be a really stupid question, but women get their period every month, right?”

“Yeah. Menstruation comes like clockwork every month . . . unless they’re pregnant.”

I gulped.

“Maybe sometimes you don’t notice when they’re on their period?” I asked, hoping this was the truth.

“Well, according to the number of times you have sex a week, there is no way you wouldn’t notice. That shit would be bloody man. Plus, if Rosie is anything like Delaney when she’s going through that bloody cycle shit, then she would be spitting fire every time you looked at her.”

“Fuck . . .” My head fell in my hands as I leaned up against the bar. Derk patted me on the back.

“Congrats dude, you got your girlfriend pregnant. And judging by your timeline, I’m guessing you planted your seed on your first try. Did you condom it up?”

“Of course I did, Christ!” I shook my head, shock shaking my entire core. “Fucking condoms, what good are they anyway?”

“They really aren’t. My dad always told me the best form of birth control is abstinence.”

“I hate you right now.”

I wanted to plow my head through the wooden bar right now, anything to help me forget this moment. Anything to erase the knowledge I just stumbled upon. My girlfriend was pregnant.

“Hey, it’s not that bad. You want to marry her, right?”

“Of course, I do.” I answered honestly. “I want nothing more to make her my wife and start a family with her, but I wanted to do that with time. We’ve been together for a few months. We’re still figuring each other out. I don’t want her to think I want to marry her just because she’s having my baby, plus, I don’t feel financially ready for this. Babies cost a lot.”

“That they do, but it’s the risk you take when having sex.”

“Fuck you,” I laughed. “Shit, and I’m up for a promotion; I need to get that job now. If I have any hope of making a good life for us, I need to get that job.”

“You’re up for a promotion? That’s exciting. I’m sure you’ll get it.”

I snorted, straight up snorted, and couldn’t believe my damn luck.

“Yeah, guess what I have to do in order to get the job?”

“Don’t say suck your boss off or anything. I would lose all respect for you, man. Not because it would be some guy-on-guy action, but because you don’t have to get ahead by performing sexual favors.”

I held up my hand to stop Derk. “That’s not it at all. I have to come up with a brilliant campaign for Legacy.”

“Legacy?” Derk thought about it for a second and then threw his head back and laughed. “The condom company? Oh, fuck, that’s great. How perfect. How’s that going for you?”

“Not good now,” I huffed, downing the rest of my beer. “And to make it better, I have to go up against Tasha for the job.”

“Tasha, as in your ex-girlfriend?”

“The one and only,” I replied.

“Does Rosie know this?”

“She knows about Tasha, not the promotion. I didn’t want to get her involved, or have her worry about it. The only reason she knows about Tasha is because I was working late one night and lo and behold, she tried to surprise me by showing up in nothing but a trench coat. To her demise, Tasha worked late as well and was all up in my business.”

“I can only imagine how well that went over,” Derk chuckled.

“Not the best time of my life.” I ran my hand over my face. “What the hell am I going to do?”

“I would say talk to Rosie, see if she’s really pregnant.”

That thought crossed my mind, but then again, if she was clueless to being pregnant, maybe it would be a good thing right now, given the insanity draining from her every second of the day. If she was pregnant, then I would want to at least get past the campaign proposal first so I could make sure I was there if she needed me. This was going to stress her out, I wanted to make sure I was able to take care of her to the best of my ability, not blow her off because I had to work late.

“Yeah, I’m probably going to wait to talk to her about it.”

Derk shook his head. “Don’t you watch movies and shows? Never wait to discuss important things; it only blows up in your face later on down the road. Don’t be that guy.”

He was right, I didn’t want to be that guy, but once again, this was real life and I knew what was best for us. Rosie was going to need me when she found out she was pregnant. The next two weeks was going to be full of meetings and refining my proposal . . . a lot of late nights at the office. If I could just get through those few weeks, then I could devote myself to her after. I was just betting on the bachelorette party to keep her busy.

“I know, and I will bring it to her attention. I just have to get past this proposal first, then I can be at her beck and call. Please tell me you can keep this conversation between us.”

“I don’t keep things from Delaney.”

“Give me two fucking weeks; show some loyalty, man. I’m throwing you your boring bachelor party anyway . . . on a Sunday.”

“Delaney’s decision,” Derk added.

“I know, but help me out here. Give me two weeks. Your party is coming up; it will be perfect timing. I’ll talk to her after the parties, once everything dies down.”

Derk gave me a skeptical look. “I don’t know, man. I can see this going wrong in so many ways.”

“How so?” I asked. “I can fake it. She doesn’t know that I know she’s pregnant. And it might not even be true, she might just be . . . I don’t know having some whacked-out hormone thing going on.”

“She’s pregnant.” Derk didn’t play games; he called it as he saw it.