The Randy Romance Novelist (28 page)

The club was perfect; it had a room in the back made specifically for bachelorette parties. It had a bull riding machine, but instead of the typical steed you held onto, it was a giant, pink penis, with pee hole and everything. The balls had fake, black hair—kind of like strands off a mop—dangling to the sides, grazing the landing zone for those who couldn’t grip the dick long enough. And those who rode the penis for eight seconds were rewarded with a blast of water straight from the penis’s urethra.

Vastly inappropriate, but a bachelorette party game changer for sure.

The club catered, and since they were known for hosting a great peen party, they shaped their food appropriately and offered phallic shaped items for snacking.

Games to be played for tonight: elephant condoms on the legs, penis riding, carve a penis out of a cucumber, penis piñata, and of course, pin the penis on Derk. I refused to play that one again—for obvious reasons—I would be the moderator.

Prizes for the winners were a variety of vibrators, lubes, and edible underwear—well, because they were cheap and my bank account was diminishing rather quickly from this party.

Penis garland decorated the outline of the room, condoms were blown into horribly shaped balloons—I used a pump, no lips to the latex for me—and the dong bong was sitting next to the beer, waiting to be used as a consumption device.

The party was ready. I just needed to get ready. Thankfully, the owner let me use the employee locker rooms to get dressed, instead of the sub-par bathrooms open to everyone.

The dress Delaney made me get for the party did not fit, nope, and she would have to deal with the disappointment of that on her own. I was pretty sure she was going to be so distracted by all the dicks in the room that she wouldn’t even notice what I was wearing.

Luckily, I had a cute teal glitter tunic that fell just above my knees that gave plenty of tummy room. I paired it with a pair of black leggings and black flats. I was doing my make up when my phone lit up with a text from Henry.

Henry: Can you please let me know you’re alive? You’re scaring me, love. You won’t answer my calls or my texts.

Succumbing to his wishes because I didn’t want him barging into Delaney’s party, I texted him back.

Rosie: Sorry, I’ve been busy getting ready for the party tonight. I’m good. I will see you later. Have fun with Derk.

His text back was instantaneous.

Henry: Jesus, Rosie. Was it that hard to text back? I’ve been worried about you.

Knowing I wasn’t going to get anywhere with my makeup until I settled his worry, I set my brushes down and picked up my phone.

Rosie: Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you this morning, and I just want to make sure this party is perfect.

Henry: I wanted to talk about last night.

Rosie: Maybe we don’t. Let’s just forget it and move on. I would rather not rehash the most embarrassing moment of my life.

I could feel myself start to get emotional, but I kept it in check. I already had one eye done with makeup; I wasn’t about to ruin it.

Henry: We’re going to have to talk about it at some point. Things happened last night . . .

Rosie: Yes, I know. Listen, I don’t have time for this. We can catch up later. Have fun tonight.

My phone signaled another text message, but I ignored it and tried to match one eye to the other with my liner skills. I was really good at doing a smoky eye with a cat-like eyeliner. It was the one thing I could claim as a talent . . . that and the ability to embarrass myself at the drop of a hat.

Nailing life in the embarrassment department. Want to know what an awkward sweat feels like? Hang around with me, I will get those armpits pooling in no time.

I should probably start charging people to be in my audience. I was bound to do something shameful for others to talk about for weeks after.

I was applying mascara when my phone started to ring, I looked down at the caller ID and saw Henry’s name pop up. Irritated that he wouldn’t just leave me alone, I answered tersely.

“What?”

“Whoa, that’s quite a way to answer the phone.”

“I’m sorry.” I really wasn’t, but I didn’t want to get into a fight right before Delaney’s party. “I’m just really busy right now, trying to put everything together. Do you need something?”

“Yeah, I need to see you.”

Before I knew what was happening, Henry came through the door of the locker room, holding his phone to his ear and a small present in his hands.

I couldn’t help the sigh that escaped me. He was dressed in a pair of black jeans, black Converses, and a button-up black and white gingham shirt with the first couple of buttons undone, showing off his well-defined chest. He was freshly shaven and his hair was styled perfectly to the side. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on.

“Hey, love. You didn’t give me a chance to give you this before you left.” He held out a present for me. It was in a little white bag with yellow tissue paper sticking out the top.

Smiling, I took the present from him and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. He didn’t let me get very far because he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in for a deeper kiss. I took this moment to revel in the way he felt pressed up against me. He was being so sweet right now; maybe he really did want me to be around, maybe he wasn’t planning an escape route to try to get away from the crazy as quickly as possible.

Then again, he probably didn’t want to set off the crazy right before the bachelorette party.

Either way, I gripped the back of his neck and stood on my toes while I let my tongue explore his mouth. Our kisses grew heavy, and for a moment, I thought he was going to lift me up on the counter and pull down my leggings, but before that fantasy could become a reality, he stepped away and casually wiped his mouth with his hand.

Well, that was rude.

“What? Did I slobber on you? Don’t want my lips all over yours?” There it was, the devil tongue. I was pretty sure I was popping out a creature of hell, and every time I said something uncharacteristic, I blamed it on the baby.

“No,” he said, taken aback. “I just didn’t want lipstick on my lips when I went to a bachelor party.”

“Mm-hmm,” I hummed sarcastically before ripping the tissue paper out of the bag. Whatever was in the bag must have been wrapped in the paper because the bag was completely empty.

“Um, the present is on the ground.”

We both looked down to see a button made out felt fabric in the shape of a penis with puffy paint on it, spelling out “Maid of Honor.”

I bent down and picked it up, wincing at the way I could already feel my stomach making an impact on my everyday life. “Did you make this?”

He definitely did. The puffy paint writing was very messy, but it was undeniably Henry’s chicken scratch.

“I did,” he puffed his chest out. “I thought the maid of honor needed something special to wear as well. I mean, you did put this all together.”

On the back of the penis was a safety pin to secure it to my clothing, so I did just that. Like a corsage at prom, I pinned it right above my breast, but instead of a beautiful arrangement of flowers, I had a felt peener with puffy paint writing.

I was living the high life.

“Thank you,” I said genuinely. “I love it, and thank you for bringing it all the way down here. You didn’t have to do that.”

Once again, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. “Of course I did. I wanted my girl feeling special too.”

“Thanks.” I peeked at the clock and winced. “Yikes, Delaney is going to be here soon. I need to finish my hair and makeup, and you need to get to Derk’s for the party.”

“Yeah.” Putting distance between us, he let go of me and stepped toward the door. “Are you drinking tonight?”

Weird question for him to ask.

“No, I need to make sure no one gets hurt. Someone has to be the responsible one tonight.”

He visibly relaxed, as if I told him we’d just saved five hundred dollars by switching to Geico.

“All right, good. Be careful and please don’t ride the penis. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

I didn’t plan on riding the penis, didn’t think it was baby safe, but he didn’t have to know that.

“Didn’t plan on it. I only want to ride one penis,” I winked.

He chuckled and then took off. There was some serious tension between the two of us, a kind of tension I couldn’t put my finger on. We were awkward around each other for the first time since we met in college. I wondered if it was from the lack of sex in our relationship. Had it been so long that now we didn’t know how to be around each other?

Henry had been working very long nights. I felt like I barely saw him anymore, and when I did, I was losing my damn mind so much over failing at a game against a cat that I didn’t stop jamming my head against a door long enough to spend time with him.

I ran my hands through my hair and thought about the rough month we’d had. I wanted to believe it was the baby making me crazy, that Henry’s job was taking a toll on him, and not from us slowly drifting apart.

Was the honeymoon phase over? Was this what it was like after the big dramatic kiss at the end of a romance movie? Awkward confusion between couples?

I wasn’t sure. My entire life consisted of me consuming love story after love story, believing in an eternity of passion between two people. Now that I was living the love story I always dreamed of having, it didn’t seem so happily ever after.

Not wanting to focus on my relationship right now, or lack thereof, I finished up my makeup, pinned my hair up, so half of it was caressing my back and the other half was twisted on the top of my head, and then headed out to the party area. There was a section to hang our coats and set our purses down, so I stuffed my travel bag in the corner and went on one more walk around of the room to make sure everything was perfect before Delaney arrived.

***

“This is everything I could have dreamed of,” Delaney complimented me, as she spun around the room in awe. “I don’t even know which dick to focus on, there are millions. Even the confetti on the tables are dicks.” Delaney turned to me and pulled me into a hug. “You did so well. Thank you, Rosie.”

“You’re welcome. I’m so glad you’re happy with it.”

“Ma’am, your drink,” a waiter came up from behind us, holding out the penis sippy cup I got for Delaney, full of the signature drink I picked out for her.

I picked up the drink and thanked the waiter. “This is for you. The drink is called Cum Guzzler. It’s a coconut infused rum with pineapple juice and cherry grenadine.”

“Sounds like I’m going to be a Cum Guzzler tonight, because this sounds delicious!” She took the penis cup and inhaled a giant sip. Once she tasted the signature drink, she said, “This is one batch of cum I have no problem swallowing.”

I made a note to myself to remember that for a book. I tried to commit this entire party to memory; it would be good material for future stories.

Delaney examined the rest of the room while I greeted guests, handed out penis straws and goody bags, and showed everyone where they could put their purses. Delaney invited around forty women, and almost all of them said they were going to make it.

The main reason Delaney had so many people at her party was because they were mainly co-workers and they were all just as raunchy as Delaney. They would never miss a good penis party.

They wore their whistles, blew them with pride, stroked Derk’s life-size body, eyed the pink bull riding penis, and devoured every last wiener food there was.

Once everyone was in attendance, I stood on top of a chair to gain everyone’s attention while blowing my whistle.

The room fell silent and all eyes were on me. “Thank you all for coming today. I am the maid of honor, Rosie.” I pointed to my penis pin that Henry made me. “I will be your host for tonight, so if you need anything, you let me know. I see that you helped yourself to food and drinks already. I will be sure to ask the kitchen to make some more snacks. Before the festivities get started, I wanted to go over a couple of things. First of all, you were all handed an elephant condom when you walked in. That is for you to wear on your leg. Last person with it still rolled tight on their appendage at the end of the night will win a special prize. Let’s just say it fits in with the theme of the party.”

“I think it’s a dick, ladies!” Delaney screamed and everyone cheered. I refrained from rolling my eyes.

“Secondly, we’ll be moving around the room in a circle when it comes to activities. We’ll start with penis carving, followed by pin the penis on Derk . . .”

“Everyone better aim for his eyeballs, because I’m taking the win on that game,” Delaney once again shouted, followed by more giggles.

“After the penis pinning,” I carried on, “we’ll be getting our ride on. I’ve been told if you stay on the bull for more than eight seconds, it will jiz into the crowd. I’ve marked off the splash zone with those two penis construction cones over there. If you are looking to be sprayed, then those cones will be your best friends.”

“Let’s all get squirted in the eye tonight, ladies. Walk around like a bunch of one-legged condom-covered pirates. Am I right, mateys?”

Cheers erupted, cutting me off one more time.

The devil child wanted to run its arm up my throat and choke Delaney with its fetus fist, but I tamped it down, reminding Beelzebub that this was Delaney’s night, and if she wanted to continue to incessantly interrupt me . . . then that was her right.

Gritting my teeth, I continued. “Then we will move over to the Dong Bong Olympics to see who can guzzle the most cum within in a minute.”

“It will be like sipping wine at church,” Delaney said, jumping up and down. “You will guzzle, wipe, and then say, ‘Glory be to the Dong’.”

“You don’t have to do that.” I shook my head, not wanting to offend anyone. Being a Catholic girl myself, I knew how sensitive people could be.