The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (7 page)

BIRDBOOT
(
pause
): Hello—what’s happened?

MOON
: What? Oh yes—what do you make of it, so far?

BIRDBOOT
(
clears throat
): It is at this point that the play for me comes alive. The groundwork has been well and truly laid, and the author has taken the trouble to learn from the masters of the genre. He has created a real situation, and few will doubt his ability to resolve it with a startling denouement. Certainly that is what it so far lacks, but it has a beginning, a middle and I have no doubt it will prove to have an end. For this let us give thanks, and double thanks for a good clean show without a trace of smut But perhaps even all this would be for nothing were it not for a performance which I consider to be one of the summits in the range of contemporary theatre. In what is possibly the finest Cynthia since the war——

MOON
: If we examine this more closely, and I think close examination is the least tribute that this play deserves, I think we will find that within the austere framework of what is seen to be on one level a country-house week-end, and what a useful symbol that is, the author has given us—yes,
I will go so far—he has given us the human condition——

BIRDBOOT
: More talent in her little finger——

MOON
: An uncanny ear that might belonged to a Van Gogh——

BIRDBOOT
:—a public scandal that the Birthday Honours to date have neglected——

MOON
: Faced as we are with such ubiquitous obliquity, it is hard, it is hard indeed, and therefore I will not attempt, to refrain from invoking the names of Kafka, Sartre, Shakespeare, St. Paul, Beckett, Birkett, Pinero, Pirandello, Dante and Dorothy L. Sayers.

BIRDBOOT
: A rattling good evening out. I was held.
(
The phone starts to ring on the empty stage
,
MOON
tries to ignore it
.)

MOON
: Harder still——Harder still if possible——Harder still if it is possible to be——Neither do I find it easy——Dante and Dorothy L. Sayers. Harder still——

BIRDBOOT
: Others taking part included—
Moon
!
(
For
MOON
has lost patience and is bearing down on the ringing phone. He is frankly irritated
.)

MOON
(
picking up phone, barks
): Hel-lo!(
Pause, turns to
BIRDBOOT
,
quietly
.) It’s for you. (
Pause
.)
(
BIRDBOOT
gets up. He approaches cautiously
,
MOON
gives him the phone and moves back to his seat
,
BIRDBOOT
watches him go. He looks round and smiles weakly, expiating himself
.)

BIRDBOOT
(
into phone
): Hello … (
Explosion
.) Oh, for God’s sake, Myrtle!—I’ve told you never to phone me at work! (
He is naturally embarrassed, looking about with surreptitious fury
.) What? Last night? Good God, woman, this is hardly the time to—I assure you, Myrtle, there is absolutely nothing going on between me and—I took her to dinner simply by way of keeping
au fait
with the world of the paint and the motley——Yes, I promise——Yes, I do—Yes, I
said
yes—I
do
—and you are mine too, Myrtle—darling—I can’t—(
whispers) I’m not alone—(up)
. No, she’s not!—(
he looks around furtively, licks his lips and mumbles)
. All
right!
I love your little pink ears and you are my own fluffy
bunny-boo——Now for God’s sake——Good-bye, Myrtle
—(puts down phone)
.
(
BIRDBOOT
mops his brow with his handkerchief. As he turns, a tennis ball bounces into through the french windows, followed by
FELICITY,
as before, in tennis outfit. The lighting is as it was. Everything is as it was. It is, let us say, the same moment of time
.)

FELICITY
(
calling
): Out! (
She catches sight of
BIRDBOOT
and is amazed
.) You!

BIRDBOOT
: Er, yes—hello again.

FELICITY
: What are you doing here?!

BIRDBOOT
: Well, I...

FELICITY
: Honestly, darling, you really are extraordinary——

BIRDBOOT
: Yes, well, here I am. (
He looks round sheepishly
.)

FELICITY
: You must have been desperate to see me—I mean, I’m flattered, but couldn’t it wait till I got back?

BIRDBOOT
: No, no, you’ve got it all wrong——

FELICITY
: What is it?

BIRDBOOT
: And about last night—perhaps I gave you the wrong impression—got carried away a bit, perhaps——

FELICITY
(
stiffly
): What are you trying to say?

BIRDBOOT
: I want to call it off.

FELICITY
: I see.

BIRDBOOT
: I didn’t promise anything—and the fact is, I have my reputation—people do talk——

FELICITY
: You don’t have to say any more——

BIRDBOOT
: And my wife, too—I don’t know how she got to hear of it, but——

FELICITY
: Of all the never! To march in here and——

BIRDBOOT
: I’m sorry you had to find out like this—the fact is I didn’t mean it this way——

FELICITY
: You philandering coward!

BIRDBOOT
: I’m sorry—but I want you to know that I meant those things I said—oh yes—shows brilliant promise—I shall say so——

FELICITY
: I’ll kill you for this, Simon Gascoyne!
(
She leaves in tears, passing
MRS. DRUDGE
who has entered In
time to overhear her last remark
.)

BIRDBOOT
(
wide-eyed
): Good God....

MRS. DRUDGE
: I have come to set up the card table, sir.

BIRDBOOT
(
wildly
): I can’t stay for a game of
cards!

MRS. DRUDGE
: Oh, Lady Muldoon
will
be disappointed.

BIRDBOOT
: You mean … you mean, she wants to meet me...?

MRS. DRUDGE
: Oh yes, sir, I just told her and it put her in quite a tizzy.

BIRDBOOT
: Really? Yes, well, a man of my influence is not to be sneezed at—I think I have some small name for the making of reputations!—mmm, yes, quite a tizzy, you say?
(
MRS. DRUDGE
is busied with the card table
,
BIRDBOOT
stands marooned and bemused for a moment
.)

MOON
(
from his seat
): Birdboot!—(a
tense whisper)
. Birdboot!
(
BIRDBOOT
looks round vaguely
.)
What the hell are you doing?

BIRDBOOT
: Nothing.

MOON
: Stop making an ass of yourself. Come back.

BIRDBOOT
: Oh, I know what you’re thinking—but the fact is I genuinely consider her performance to be one of the summits——
(
CYNTHIA
enters as before
.
MRS. DRUDGE
has gone
.)

CYNTHIA
: Darling!

BIRDBOOT
: Ah, good evening—may I say that I genuinely consider——

CYNTHIA
: Don’t say anything for a moment—just hold me. (
She falls into his arms
.)

BIRDBOOT
: All right! (
They kiss
.) My God!—she
does
have her mouth open! Dear lady, from the first moment I saw you, I felt my whole life changing——

CYNTHIA
(
breaking free
): We can’t go on meeting like this!

BIRDBOOT
: I am not ashamed to proclaim nightly my love for
you!—but fortunately that will not be necessary——I know of a very good hotel, discreet—run by a man of the world——

CYNTHA
: But darling, this is madness!

BIRDBOOT
: Yes! I am mad with love.

CYNTHIA
: Please!—remember where we are!

BIRDBOOT
: I don’t care! Let them think what they like, I love you!

CYNTHIA
: Don’t—I love Albert!

BIRDBOOT
: He’s dead. (
Shaking her
.) Do you understand me—Albert’s dead!

CYNTHIA
: No—I’ll never give up hope! Let me go! We are not free!

BIRDBOOT: YOU
mean Myrtle? She means nothing to me—nothing!—she’s all cocoa and blue nylon fur slippers—not a spark of creative genius in her whole slumping kneelength-knickered body——

CYNTHIA
: You’re a cad, Simon! You will use me and cast me aside as you have cast aside so many others!

BIRDBOOT
: No, Cynthia—now that I have found you——

CYNTHIA
: You’re ruthless—so strong—so cruel——(
BIRDBOOT
seizes her in an embrace, during which
MRS. DRUDGE
enters, and
MOON’S
fevered voice is heard
.)

MOON
: Have you taken leave of your tiny mind? (
CYNTHIA
breaks free
.)

CYNTHIA
: Stop—can’t you see you’re making a fool of yourself!

MOON
: She’s right.

BIRDBOOT
(
to
MOON
): You keep out of this.

CYNTHIA
: Yes, what is it, Mrs. Drudge?

MRS. DRUDGE
: Should I close the windows, my lady? The fog——

CYNTHIA
: Yes, you’d better.

MOON
: Look, they’ve got your number——

BIRDBOOT
: I’ll leave in my own time, thank you very much.

MOON
: It’s the finish of you, I suppose you know that——

BIRDBOOT
: I don’t need your twopenny Grubb Street prognostications—I have found something bigger and finer——

MOON
: (
bemused, to himself
): If only it were Higgs....

CYNTHIA
: … And fetch the Major down.

MRS. DRUDGE
: I think I hear him coming down stairs now. (
She leaves. The sound of a wheelchair’s approach as before
.
BIRDBOOT
prudently keeps out of the chair’s former path but it enters from the next wing down and knocks him flying. A
babble of anguish and protestation
.)

CYNTHIA
: Simon—say something!

BIRDBOOT
: That reckless bastard (
as he sits up)
.

CYNTHIA
: Thank God!——

MAGNUS
: What’s
he
doing here?

CYNTHIA
: He just turned up.

MAGNUS
: Really? How do you like it here?

BIRDBOOT
: I couldn’t take it night after night. (
FELICITY
enters
.)

FELICITY
: So—you’re still here.

CYNTHIA
: Of course he’s still here. We’re going to play cards. There is no need to introduce you two, is there, for I recall now that you, Simon, met me through Felicity, our mutual friend.

FELICITY
: Yes, Simon is an old friend——

BIRDBOOT
: Ah—yes—well, I like to give young up and comers the benefit of my—er—Of course, she lacks technique as yet——

FELICITY
: Last night.