The Redemption (20 page)

“Don’t belittle my reasons.”

“They’re not reasons. They’re excuses and you know it, but I’m gonna let you go live with those excuses. Just remember these are the choices
you
made. I was here, wholeheartedly for you.” His breath deepens, a mixture of anger and sadness battling in his eyes. “This fence isn’t tall enough. You should go before they come back.”

I open the door, determined to walk away without damaging him anymore. When I step one foot out, he adds, “Go find this happy-ever-after you’re so desperately searching for that I can’t give you. And maybe one day you’ll see that you’re throwing away that ending before you even realized you had it.”

His words make me panic, worried he’s right. “Dex, it doesn’t—”

“I can’t make you believe in me.” He revs the engine while gripping the steering wheel. Looking away from me, he says, “You either do or you don’t.” He backs up and the gate starts to reopen.

I release a heavy sigh, feeling the anxiety of the paparazzi showing up again and the weight of the pain caused from this conversation. His window is down, so I walk the few feet to him and start to lean in to say, “Pleas—”

“Go inside. This conversation is fucking over. Just like we are!”

The shock of his words coaxes my anger back up as I stand there. He leaves skid marks on the street from peeling out so fast. Pissed, I turn my back and go inside before any photographers show up.

As soon as the door closes behind me I see Beth. She’s sitting on the couch reading a book to CJ and they both look up. “Hey, are you okay?” she asks. “Janice called me.”

“No. I’m not. Can you stay a bit longer so I can clean up?”

“Sure, no problem.”

I kiss CJ on the head. “Hi, Sweetie. Where’s Neil?”

Beth answers, “In his room, practicing on that drum pad Dex left for him earlier.”

Dex.
“I’m gonna take a bath.”

“Okay, the boys have eaten. There’s still some casserole in there if you’re hungry.”

“Thank you.”

I stop by Neil’s room on the way to mine. “Hi Buddy.”

He doesn’t look up. “Hi Mom.”

“Did you have fun today at camp?” I ask, seeing the black and grey pad on the floor in front of him.

“Yeah. Now I’m practicing my rhythms. They’re para somethings but I can’t remember, so Dex told me to call them rhythms. He says if I learn these three, I get to start on a song next time.”

“Oh.” Looking into the hopeful face of my sweet son makes my whole body ache. I almost tell him there won’t be a next time with Dex, but I don’t, not wanting to upset him. No need to have all of us crying over Dex. “I’m gonna take a bath if you need me.”

“’Kay.”

I start the hot water on the tub before stopping to look at myself in the mirror. It’s hard though. Breaking people’s hearts is not something I enjoy doing and I feel ashamed for hurting him. I take my clothes off and slip into the tub, hoping to wash away the pain of breaking my own heart in the process of Dex’s.

The water soothes, but it doesn’t relieve. When I get out twenty minutes later, the pain is more than skin deep. It can’t be washed away that easily. I’ll leave it up to time to heal the rest while I focus on my family.

Dear Cory,

I can’t control my heart. As much as I try, the beat goes on. There’s no power in that. The heart holds not only the power over our souls but the key to it.

I had this epiphany at three in the morning.
I wish I could sleep, but my brain has other plans like torturing me with too many thoughts, regrets, and memories. Why this doesn’t happen at three in the afternoon boggles my mind. It is what it is though.

XO

By seven, I was tired and a bit delirious. I missed Dex already and it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours. Not only that, but he was right. I
was
thinking of him fondly. When we let go of the anger, we find clarity in the remains.

Beth was here early to take the kids to camp and I was drinking my coffee before getting dressed for my meetings that got moved from yesterday to today. A trip to the hospital is usually an acceptable excuse to reschedule.

Janice’s voice travels from the living room, calling my name. I put my makeup brush down and go out there. I haven’t called her since the hospital, but I’m still hurt by what she said. When I walk out there, she’s standing near the door, timid. With a half-smile she says, “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

I love this woman, so it’s hard to stay mad at her. Walking to her, I open my arms. When we hug, she says, “You’re a wonderful mother to Neil and Cory Junior. I was upset thinking you were over my son.”

Stepping back, I say, “I will never be ‘over’ Cory. But he needs to live in my heart because he’s not here to live in our home. To be truthful with you, I’m lonely, Janice, and doing something for myself doesn’t make me a bad mother. It makes me human. I can’t wear black for the rest of my life. I still wear the ring, but I’m almost thirty and I don’t want to spend my life alone.”

“Just don’t pick him.”

“Dex?”

“Yes, you have to be careful who you bring around the kids, Rochelle. He’s a bad influence.”

“He’s not. You’re wrong, he’s changed. You’re reading tabloids and gossip magazines and believing them blindly. I know the real him.”

She steps closer and takes my arms gently. “I love you like a daughter. I care about you, but I also know you’re in a vulnerable state and can be easily taken advantage of if not careful. Dex is no good. There’s always some truth found in those stories.”

“Hearing you repeat it doesn’t change how I feel about him. I can’t help who I fall in love…” I stop, gasping. My hand covers my mouth and I turn away from her.

“You
love
him?” The words hit me in the back like tiny daggers.

The air is sucked from my chest as my own words sink in. “I… I might,” I reply more for myself than her.

Upon this realization, I’m on the move. I run to the front door and slip on my Havianas. “I have to go.”

“Where?”

Looking at her, seeing the shock in her eyes, makes me want to stay, but I can’t. I’ll talk myself out of doing this or she will. “We’ll talk later. I’m sorry.”

I run outside to my car. I’m five minutes down the road before I realize I didn’t finish putting on my makeup, but I know he won’t care. I see the way he looks at me. He more than likes me. He practically it said yesterday. I’m not sure I would call my feelings full blown star-crossed lovers love yet, but it sure feels like the beginning of something ‘spectacular.’ I need to talk to him, to talk this through with him, to apologize for everything I said. His plane for the last leg of the tour leaves in an hour, so I know he’ll be up, but I’ve got to hurry.

After tapping in the code to his gate, I park next to a white convertible BMW. Makes me wonder if he got a new car though I’ve never thought of him as a BMW kind of guy. That will throw the paps off his trail for sure. I knock twice before finding the door unlocked. When no one answers, I walk in. I see a martini glass with a few shot glasses on the coffee table and get a sick feeling in my stomach, making me pause at the bottom of the stairs. I ascend them slowly, my gut telling me to go back to my car and call first. I go, my curiosity winning out. When I reach the second level, I walk to his room, finding the door cracked open. I push it the rest of the way open with one finger and my jaw drops along with my heart.

Platinum blonde hair, long, tan legs stretch across his bed, her breast exposed though the sheet does me the favor of keeping the rest of her body covered.
Firenza.

Her blue eyes look up from the phone she’s been reading, and she smiles. Elbowing Dex’s back, she says, “We have company, Tiger.”

“Rochelle?” His voice follows me as I turn and run down the stairs, but Dex catches me before I reach the front door. Looking down, I make sure he’s not naked, not needing the gross reminder of what he was doing, which was very clear as he likes to say. “Let go of me, you bastard.”

He has the nerve to be angry with me when he asks, “What are you doing here? You wanted nothing to do with me, so why are you here?”

Like a sucker punch, his words hit me in the gut, making me nauseous. Stepping back, he releases me. When I look up at him, his eyes are glazed and bloodshot.

“I came over here to tell you I was wrong. That I thought that maybe we were meant to be like you led me to believe.”

A different emotion takes over his expression completely, and he says, “Rochelle… please.” He gulps while reaching for me again. “I didn—”

“You didn’t what, Dex?” All the adrenaline, the anger I had a minute before has left, leaving me defeated and deflated. “I thought you were right, but Janice was. Guess a ‘tiger’ can’t change his stripes after all.”

“Don’t do this. You told me you didn’t want to be with me. You said I was bad when all I’ve done is bend over backwards to prove to you that I’m good. You pushed me away.”

I’m tired of crying, but they come anyway. “Not judgment, disbelief that one argument led to this. I stayed home and cried, hurt, confused, but alone. You call a fuck buddy over after telling me ‘We matter.’ We obviously don’t or you wouldn’t have had sex with her, and
her
of all people.”

“It’s just push and fucking pull with you. I get you’ve been hurt, but you chose to live with the pain than to move past it with me. I’m only doing what you and Cory’s mother say I do. It’s like manifest motherfucking destiny or some shit. So fuck this. I’m done.”

We stare into each other’s eyes, neither of us relenting until a cleared throat grabs our attention and we look up. Firenza stands on the top of the staircase in a tank that looks a lot like one of Dex’s. “Come back to bed, Antonio.”

When I look back to him, the disgust I feel far outweighs my weak emotions that I once felt for him. “And here I thought you were the good guy…”

There’s a shift in his demeanor. I may be physically right here, but he knows my heart is already gone. Reaching for me, his voice wavers when he says, “Rochelle?” Regret colors him. “I didn’t mean…”

Fear takes over in his eyes as I back away. The pain in my chest makes me want to run, but I won’t let them win, refusing to let either of them see me breakdown. I open the door and start to leave, making it halfway to my car before I stop, and say, “As your business manager, I should remind you that your flight leaves in thirty minutes.”

“Fuck!” I hear him yell before the door slams closed.

I get in my car and yell the same thing but for entirely different reasons.

When I open the door to my house, Janice is there and stands from the couch. I thought she’d be gone, wishing she had. I swipe at my eyes, hoping she doesn’t see my tears. “Rochelle? Are you okay?”

“No,” I reply, walking past her and going to my room. I slam the door closed and lay down on the bed, wishing for this day to go away, wishing I could go away for a few hours from myself.

I’m tired of being strong. Curling into a ball on my side, I finally drop the act I’ve put on for everyone else and cry. I give myself an hour to recover, but my heart is refusing the deadline. No matter how much I remind myself that I have to get ready for the meetings, I still struggle to pull myself together. This ache in my chest makes me think I’m mourning more than just the loss of Dex. Cory is always on my mind. I used to be happy. I used to carefree. I used to have a heart full of love. Now… I miss him. I miss the ease of our life together.