The Reef (38 page)

Despite her clothes being in the closet it didn't feel as though she'd ever lived in this cabin. Being regularly serviced and with Blair away so much, it was very impersonal. She quickly changed and decided to leave her shorts and shirt in the laundry hamper. She was shocked when she lifted the lid to find a flower-printed silk top. With her fingertips she lifted up a sheer nightdress. Beneath it were Gstring panties in lime green. Jennifer slammed the lid down on the articles and felt sick. She opened Blair's closet and found women's tops and trousers snuggled up to his clothes. In the bathroom cabinet were cosmetics and a packet of condoms.

Jennifer stood in the middle of the bathroom feeling numb. Susie was becoming a fixture. And she wasn't sure how she felt about it. Resigned. Disappointed that Blair was lying to her. Again.

She sat by the pool terrace, watching the sun begin its shimmering slide below the horizon. Couples surrounded her. They all seemed to be in love, touching each other affectionately, arms around each other in the pool, rubbing their bodies together. An old couple at a table held hands, an anniversary perhaps.

‘Hi, Mrs Towse. Can I get you something?'

Jennifer smiled at Bruce, the handsome blond surfie-looking guy she'd seen dancing and flirting at the staff barbecue when she'd arrived. She'd felt he was a peer then; now she felt old beyond her years. ‘I'll wait till Blair joins me, thanks.'

‘Er, he sent me over. He's tied up on the phone for a few minutes.'

Jennifer stood up. ‘I'll go for a bit of a walk then. Thank you.' She was annoyed and knew it showed.

She headed for the walkway along the edge of the resort grounds and saw Isobel coming along the beach. Jennifer walked down the path onto the beach, took off her sandals and went towards her. Isobel was wearing white linen slacks and a brilliant scarlet and gold silk top with a matching sheer scarf. With dramatic gold jewellery and make-up she looked glamorous and exotic. Jennifer had become used to her casual uniform of khaki shorts, shirt over a T-shirt, her dark hair tousled or squashed under a cap and little make-up on her tanned skin. Isobel radiated with the health and energy that drove her to work long, physically taxing hours. She tired people half her age but Jennifer found her company exhilarating. Being with Isobel was like plugging into a power grid.

‘Hi there . . . where are you off to?' Isobel called.

‘Meeting Blair. What about you?'

‘Dinner with Rosie. What's wrong?' She slipped her arm through Jennifer's. ‘You look lovely, except for the unhappy face.'

‘I pulled this dress out of Blair's unit and found Miss Susie seems to have taken up casual residence. They know I'm going in and out of there. What if I'd walked in on them? He promised me it was over.'

‘What are you going to do?'

‘It doesn't seem to have registered with him that I'm having his baby. It's like the rules don't apply to him, he can just do what he wants.'

‘Do you think he'll change when the baby comes along?' asked Isobel quietly.

They walked along the beach, arms linked, Isobel's top reflecting the colours of the sunset sky.

Jennifer took a long, deep breath. ‘I suppose not.'

‘And how do you feel about that?'

Jennifer stopped, pinched her arms, and wobbled her head. ‘Numb. I must be, I can't seem to feel. What's that mean?' She resumed walking, they were almost back at the pool.

‘I'd say you are becoming resigned to the fact your marriage is over. You've known a long time. This other girl, Susie, she's a symptom, not a cause.'

‘It's pretty shocking to think I'm walking out of a marriage when I'm pregnant. Why aren't I angry? More upset? More scared?'

‘You've gone through that stage. What you have to do now is think about yourself and your baby.'

‘Oh, Isobel, it's so sad. I feel like such a dud. I've stuffed up my life. Before the baby is even in the world, its family is screwed up.'

‘Not necessarily. Two secure, confident individuals who love their child are better than a miserable couple who surround the baby with bitterness, anger and frustration,' said Isobel calmly.

‘I can't help thinking about my mother. What our lives might have been like if my dad and brother were still around. She's so hurt and angry at the world. I often feel she looks at me with some kind of hatred – that I'm here and they're not.'

‘Don't beat yourself up and let her make you feel guilty about something over which you had no control,' said Isobel firmly. ‘Subconsciously she might feel that way, but it isn't deliberate. She'd be hurt to think you believed her capable of such unkind thoughts.'

‘Sometimes she acts that way. She's a magnificent martyr. I became the centre of her universe, I'm all she has, and it's been a hard burden to live with,' blurted Jennifer.

‘And now you're afraid she will rule you – and your child. Did Blair ever step forward between you and your mother? Protect you? Stand up for you? Lay down the law to your mother?'

‘God, no. He kept his distance. My mother was
my
problem.'

‘Then not having him around isn't going to change things very much between you and your mother, is it?' said Isobel reasonably. ‘You're growing up at last, standing on your own feet, making your own decisions. You aren't running away, you're embracing big challenges and dealing with them. Be proud of that.'

‘You always make me feel good. That I'm stepping up to things I never dared think about.'

‘Did you think you'd be a mother, doing a
degree, writing a book, being part of something as important as investigating the future of a world icon like this reef?'

Jennifer had to laugh and she shook her head. ‘No way. I don't think Blair or my mother – or me, for that matter – really comprehend what I'm embarking on.'

‘One foot after another, dear girl. Now, what were you meeting Blair about?'

‘I'm not sure, he asked to see me.'

‘Get in first. Tell him there's no point staying together, and start sorting out the nitty-gritty.'

‘Are you serious?'

‘Are you?'

Jennifer drew a deep breath. ‘Yes. I am. If I don't do it now while I have the courage I'll end up like my mother – bitter, miserable, feeling I've missed out.'

‘Be decisive. Take control of your life. You have responsibilities to yourself and your child, and a parenting relationship with Blair. Get on with it.'

‘God, that will shock him. You make it sound easy.'

‘It's easier than you think. Once you've made up your mind you see the road more clearly. And you need a clear head to continue your work. A degree will lead to job opportunities. Everything you do now is with a goal and aim in mind for your future and your child's.'

‘How on earth am I going to tell my mother?'

Isobel smiled. ‘See, you've already decided.
You know, I think she'll be pleased to have her daughter back. And there will be a few I told you so's.'

‘That's for sure. My worry is that she'll want me to move in with her and she'll interfere with raising the baby.'

‘Mothers do anyway. Try not to think too far ahead just yet. While you're here some of us will come and go, but you'll always have a network and an extended family.'

‘I can't imagine not having you around. I'll miss you so much . . .' Tears sprang to Jennifer's eyes.

‘We'll always be in each other's life from now on, don't worry. You will come and stay with me, to visit and perhaps to work together. Maybe you will write my life story one day,' she grinned. Then added more seriously, ‘I want people to understand what I'm doing and why. That our oceans can be the saviour of the planet.'

‘So after you and Gideon dive in the shark mobile, you'll be leaving? It scares me to think about it.'

‘I have to go to Brazil, to the Caribbean, Hawaii and then return here – before our little baby arrives.'

‘I'll be on my own for two months, except for a couple of researchers doing field work – birdos and coral people. Tony will be gone, leaving me with a huge pile of notes and tapes.'

‘And you have your own work to do. It will be a good time to be alone. You need to heal, learn to be on your own, learn to
know and like yourself. And I am always a phone call or email away. If you need me, I will come.'

‘Oh, Isobel, that's so sweet of you . . .' Jennifer stopped, her face registering . . . surprise, a slight apprehension.

‘What is wrong?' Isobel turned to Jennifer who had her hands pressed to her belly.

‘Flutters, ripples. A spasm. What's happening?' There was a note of worry in her voice.

Isobel rested her hand on Jennifer's belly and smiled as she felt the tremor.

‘Your baby. She's going for a walk.'

‘Really? It's the first time I've felt it move. Oh my goodness.' Tears sprang to her eyes and she grinned with delight. ‘It's really happening.'

‘Yes, darling, you really do have a little person in there. What a funny, no,
appropriate
time for her to announce herself. She agrees with you.'

‘I don't feel so alone. Oh God, this is scary. But wonderful.' Jennifer felt elated.

‘Now, are you ready to make your speech to Blair?' Isobel straightened her shoulders and, despite her petite size, exuded an air of authority.

‘I wish I had your poise.' But Jennifer did suddenly feel more confident and knew Blair was not going to intimidate her any more. There was a pang and an ache, her ego and female pride were dented, but she also knew that no matter what happened to her and Blair they were forever inextricably linked through their child. And that gave her some comfort.

She saw Blair sitting at the table waiting for her. Isobel kissed her quickly on the cheek.

‘Be strong, be pleasant. Don't make any rash decisions,' she told Jennifer. ‘See you tomorrow. Or, if you need me, rap on my door.'

‘You're wonderful,' said Jennifer. ‘Thank you.'

Blair sat in stunned silence after Jennifer's short, unemotional speech. It was probably the lack of tears and hysteria that rattled him most.

‘You don't think you're over-reacting?' he finally asked.

Jennifer merely cocked her head and raised an eyebrow, which seemed to infuriate Blair.

‘Don't play games with me, Jennifer. This is ridiculous. You can't announce you're leaving me just like that.'

‘It's not exactly out of the blue,' she retorted. ‘We've been struggling for months before your, er, indiscretion.'

He ignored the reference to Susie. ‘How can you be on your own and manage a baby? Even with your mother's help? And what about finances? You can't support yourself.'

‘Not yet. I was counting on your help – financially – until I finish my honours and then we'll reassess our position. I'm sure a family lawyer can sort out something.'

His expression changed, his mouth tightening. ‘If you make this public it could be very difficult as far as my job's concerned. We came as a couple. I
can't afford to have my career compromised. And I have no intention of selling my house in Sydney to keep you playing with a bunch of long-haired uni people. Get real, Jennifer.'

‘That's just what I'm doing. Mac will let me stay at the station and Rosie will help me if I need her to. And most of all there's Isobel.'

‘God, you women stick together,' he said in exasperation. ‘In fact, all those people are influencing you, I reckon.'

‘Yes they are. Thank God. I'm not going to be a doormat any more, Blair. I'm growing up – at last. And as long as I'm here, I'll continue to grow.'

‘Well, I wouldn't count on staying at that research station. There's trouble brewing.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘The company is planning on making changes. Keeping that tacky old university research joint on prime Park land isn't one of them.'

‘Who says? If you know something tell me now. Any financial mess I get into won't help you. Isobel is encouraging me to stand on my own feet. You should be pleased.'

‘You pay too much attention to that woman. She's got in your ear with some feminist bullshit. What are you going to do when she's not around?'

‘I'm asking Isobel to be godmother. She'll always be in my life,' said Jennifer.

‘I might have something to say about that. And I doubt your mother would approve.'

‘What you and my mother think about it doesn't concern me.'

‘It's my child too!'

‘You should have thought about that before sneaking around with Miss Susie – or anyone else.'

‘There isn't, nor has there ever been, anyone else.'

‘Then I hope you'll both be very happy.'

The rapid exchange ceased and they glared at each other.

‘Jennifer, this is a mad thing you're doing. I wanted to see you tonight to tell you that I'm going to London. Just briefly, for a job interview. Joe and Reg have set up an appointment for me.'

‘The slick boys? And what do you do for them in return?'

‘Stop calling them that. They're executives. I thought you'd be pleased about London.' He paused, ‘Maybe you should come. Get away from here, see things in a new light.'

‘Do you want me to?'
I bet you've already asked Miss Susie of Sooty Isle.
When he didn't answer, Jennifer sighed. ‘Blair, we're on different trajectories now. I'd only hold you back. We want different things. Nothing is going to change the situation, unfortunately. Do what you want.'
You always have.

They were quiet, each thinking of their own future.

‘I just hope you will make an effort to do the right thing by your child. And me,' said Jennifer.

‘Of course I will.' Under the sincerity there was a touch of relief in Blair's voice.