The Regret Series Complete Collection Box Set: Lost to You, Take This Regret, and if Forever Comes (54 page)

My hands found her hips, and I kissed her gently as I edged her back into the muted light of her room. Our movements were slow, tender, and adoring. Standing in the middle of the room, we slowly undressed each other.

Carefully, I picked her up and cradled her in my arms, laid her down on her bed—our bed.

My condo had been put on the market a couple of weeks before and we’d live here until Elizabeth’s house sold. We both wanted something similar, a comfortable home where Lizzie could run and play, but closer to our beach and a couple of rooms larger so we could fill them with a brother or sister or two. My spirit soared as I thought of an addition to this family, as I thought of watching Elizabeth’s belly grow with another child, of standing by her side and being there when it was brought into this world. I could only imagine the doting big sister Lizzie would be, her amazement at a new life, the wonder that would fill her eyes.

That would have to wait, though. Elizabeth and I would marry this summer, and we needed to take time for the three of us to learn how to be the family we were always supposed to be before we added to it.

I stared down at where I’d laid Elizabeth on our bed, the curves of her naked body fully exposed and entrusted to me. Her body was thinner than what I had known before, the cut of her legs and shoulders defined, though her stomach was no longer perfectly flat and small, silvered lines were barely visible on her pelvis where Lizzie had permanently left her mark.

Love and devotion pumped through my veins as she so freely bared herself to me.

“You are so beautiful, Elizabeth.”

She gazed up at me, her eyes damp and steeped in emotion. She extended her hand and beckoned me to her.

I climbed onto the bed, hovered over her with my hands cradling each side of her head, and dipped down to kiss her deeply. Her hands were firm and like fire as they moved up my back and down over my sides.

I pulled away to whisper her name, “Elizabeth.” I moved to kiss her over her heart and murmured, “Thank you.” Once again, I found her mouth and lowered myself down to her. I wrapped her up in my arms, chest to chest, skin to skin, rested on my elbows so I could hold her precious face between my hands. I pushed her hair away from her face and let it billow out over her pillow, stunned again by her beauty. My eyes bore into hers, seeking understanding, praying that she fully and finally believed. “I love you so much, Elizabeth.”

She brought a trembling hand up to my face, ran her fingertips over my lips, her ring shimmering prominent and proud, and whispered, “I know.” Her eyes glistened as I smiled softly down at her and pressed a closed-mouthed kiss against the sweetness of her lips, brought her palm to my face, and kissed her there. Her heart pounded against my chest as I shifted and settled between her legs. Her breaths came short and rapid, the pulse in her neck drumming under my hands. Swallowing, I gripped her shoulders and slowly slid into her body—made us one. Her mouth dropped open in a soundless gasp, her fingers burrowed in the skin of my back. For a few moments, we remained still, locked to each other, body and soul, our eyes intense and filled with this desire that had never escaped us, brimming with a love that should have died in its affliction, but had only seemed to grow.

Elizabeth raked her fingers up my back and to my shoulders, setting me aflame and in motion. I moved in her slow and hard as she rose to meet me with shallow moans and
murmurs of love, our bodies speaking of unshakable commitment and eternal faithfulness, a reverent consummation.

Never would I take what I’d been given for granted. I’d never look at her through indifferent eyes, listen to her fears and worries with distant ears, or touch her with impassive hands. Elizabeth was a gift and Lizzie was my treasure. I would adore my family until the day I died.

No longer would I live in regret, striving to make up for what I’d done. I’d live for the day, each one set out and purposed to be the best father and husband I could be. And no matter what life brought our way, I would never walk away.

~

The plane sat at the end of the runway, rumbled and whined as its engines wound and roared. Lizzie sat beside me, her body vibrating with both excitement and anxiety of the unknown. Her eyes were consuming as she looked up at me with trust through her fear. I extended my hand, palm up, and she placed her tiny hand in mine, one that now bore a delicate gold ring. While Elizabeth and I had made promises to each other last night, this morning we had made promises to our daughter.

As the plane barreled down the runway, I clasped my hand around Lizzie’s and grinned down at her while she smiled anxiously up at me. Elizabeth rested her head on my shoulder and her left hand on my chest, watching the vibrant diamond as it danced. She smiled over at Lizzie and then up at me. I brushed my lips across her forehead and couldn’t contain the smile on my face.

We sped, lifted and dipped, and ascended toward the sky. Lizzie giggled with the sensation, looked back over at us with wide eyes, and said, “Here we go!”

I squeezed my daughter’s hand.

Here we go
.

If Forever Comes

A.L. Jackson

Copyright © 2013 A.L. Jackson

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without prior permission of the publisher.

The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Names, characters, places, and plots are a product of the author’s imagination. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

ISBN-13: 978-1-938404-72-6

Cover by Regina Wamba

www.aljacksonauthor.com

Dedication

To my Molly. Because even the smallest souls live on forever.

Acknowledgements

Devyn and Katie ~ This has been a crazy run. Thank you for sticking with me and putting up with it all.

Chad, Eli, and Braydon ~ Thank you for always understanding.

Christine, Gail, and Stacy, my amazing betas ~ Thank you for devoting your time to me, for all the suggestions and wisdom, and for sharing your stories.

Nancy ~ Thank you for whipping this thing into shape.

Chapter One

Christian

Present Day, Late September

I once made a promise that no matter what life brought our way, I would never walk away.

I’d meant it. Every fucking word of it.

But life had taken Elizabeth and me down a path neither of us knew how to navigate. One neither of us could bear. Life sometimes puts so much weight on our shoulders we crumble, bends us so far we break.

It’d broken Elizabeth. Cruelly. Savagely.

In turn, she’d shattered me.

I lifted the glass to my lips. The golden liquid burned a path down my throat and settled as a pathetic excuse for comfort in the pit of my stomach.

Lifting the glass again, I bled it dry. Ice clanked around in the bottom when I slammed it to the bar. I raked my hand through my hair and palmed the tense muscles in my neck.

Kurt inclined his head toward my glass. “You need another?”

I shrugged and pushed the empty toward him. “Guess so.”

He laughed with a mild shake of his head and began to pour me a fresh drink. “You playing coy tonight? I’ve watched you stumble your sorry ass out of here at closing damn near every night for the last three months. Planning on cutting yourself off early or something?” Sarcasm rolled from the question, and he cocked a disparaging brow.

An incredulous snort shot from my nose. He had me pegged. The only plan I had was drinking myself into a stupor and praying when I woke in the morning, I’d wake from this fucking nightmare and be in Elizabeth’s bed.

“Just keep them coming.”

He set the tumbler in front of me. “That’s what I figured.”

The little bar was quiet tonight. I only had to walk two short blocks inland from my condo to seek its seclusion. I’d passed it what seemed a million times when I’d travel to and from Elizabeth’s house, and now it’d become some kind of fucked-up refuge that fed the destruction, something to knock me down a little further. Yeah, I knew exactly how to get here, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t lost.

That’s what we were. Both of us. Completely, unbearably lost.

Slumping forward, I propped myself up on my elbow, head supported by my hand. I took a deep swill of my drink, wishing that missing her didn’t hurt so bad. It was excruciating.

But I knew in my burning gut that she was hurting worse than I was, more than I could imagine, and that was what was absolutely killing me.

I jumped when a stool skidded against the floor beside me. I cut my eye to whoever thought it necessary to take a seat right beside me in a bar that was nearly deserted.

Matthew
.

Of course.

He plopped down onto the stool with a heavy sigh and leaned forward on his elbows.

Kurt approached. “What can I get you, man?”

“Bud Light.”

The two of us said nothing while Kurt twisted the cap and slid the beer toward him.

“Thanks,” Matthew mumbled.

“Sure thing.”

Matthew drew the beer to his mouth, looked ahead without a word as he swallowed hard.

Tension flared between us, this dense weight that thickened the air. On edge, I sipped at my drink and tapped my fingers on the bar, my defenses all wound up and on alert.

“You’re a hard man to find,” he finally said.

“That’s because I don’t want to be found.”

So obviously that was a lie. All I wanted was for Elizabeth to somehow find her way back to me. What I didn’t want was to sit here and listen to Matthew feed me bullshit about how everything was going to be all right. To give it time.

It was always more fucking time. But time only turned around and heaped more sorrow on top of us. And Matthew hadn’t suffered through what we had. He hadn’t watched the light dim in Elizabeth’s eyes. Not the way I had. I wasn’t sure any amount of time could rekindle it.

“So is this what you do with yourself night after night when you don’t have Lizzie?”

I lifted a noncommittal shoulder. “What? You think I should sit alone in my condo instead?” I released a resentful snort. “Fuck that.”

Anger pinged around in my chest. My condo had finally gone under contract too, while Elizabeth and I had searched for the perfect home to raise our family in. But I had to back out of the sale at the last minute so I’d at least have someplace to sleep while the rest of my world fell apart.

Matthew pinned me with a look of disbelief. “So this is better? This is your solution?” His words hardened as he waved an exasperated hand around the room. “Do you think I don’t get it, Christian? Do you think I don’t know how hard this is for you?”

I shook my head and turned away, tipped my glass back to my mouth. No, I didn’t think he
got
it. How the hell could he? He got to crawl in bed with the woman he loved every night, not lie across town from her, wide awake, worrying that might be the exact moment she was breaking into pieces every goddamned minute of the night.

He dipped his head and turned his face up to capture mine. “Do something,” he pleaded.

Pain fisted my heart, because I really wanted to, but then the bitterness came surging back. “Like what?” My face pinched. “I fucking tried. I tried and I only made things worse. She won’t even look at me when I see her.”

“Because she’s hurting, Christian.”

“Don’t you think I realize that? But I can’t take that pain away. If I could, I would, but there is absolutely nothing in this world I can do to change what happened.”

“So…what? Give up? Pretend that both of you aren’t miserable without each other?” Frustrated, Matthew forced his stool back from the bar and stood, dug out his wallet and tossed
a ten on the counter. He turned to leave, hesitating, then took an aggressive step toward me.

“You know what, Christian? I had faith in you. You promised you’d never walk away from her again, and I believed you. You promised to be there through thick and thin…” He vibrated, seemed to try to calm himself as he ran a hand over his crop of brown hair. “Well, this is the thin, and it fucking sucks. I know that. And I know you’re hurting every bit as much as she is. But
this
, right now”—he jabbed his finger on the bar—“is when that promise counts. Not when everything is going like you planned.”

My attention dropped to my fingers where I had a stranglehold on the half-empty glass. Harsh words dripped from my mouth. “She doesn’t
want
me, Matthew. She made it clear she’d rather die than let me touch her again. Believe me, if there was any chance I could win her back, I’d take it. But there’s not. Elizabeth already made her decision.”

“You fought so hard for her. Now look at you.” He shook his head in disgust. “You’re a damned fool.”

He left me sitting there in my misery.

I drained the last of my drink. Slumping over on the bar, I buried my face in the crook of my elbow.

My head hurt. My heart hurt.

Everything just fucking hurt.

My eyes fluttered as my thoughts swam, and I got lost somewhere between fantasy and reality.

Chapter Two

Christian

Late December, Nine Months Earlier

I clicked the door shut behind us and flicked the lock. Elizabeth backed into the middle of the room, those warm brown eyes never looking away from me. I rushed her, hungrily palming her hips as my mouth descended on the sweetness of hers. “I’ve been dying to get you alone all night,” I grumbled as I jerked her against my body.

Elizabeth giggled, all throaty and warm. The deep burr vibrated against my lips. It reminded me so much of all those times I had her pinned against my apartment wall, back when we’d wandered these same New York City streets when we were in college. This woman I held in my arms felt so much like the eighteen-year-old I’d held all those years before, back when our bodies had explored, back when she’d grown from the innocent girl I’d first met into this sexy woman who very nearly lived in
my bed. Back then she’d flirted and teased, had set me on fire, left me begging for more.