The Reluctant Dom (41 page)
The final entry, dated the day before Seth called Hospice.
It's close. I can feel it. I wake up every morning first surprised I'm even here, and then mad I won't be there for them. And then grateful that Leah has stood by my side for this journey, and beyond grateful that Seth has joined us and is here for me, and then will be there for her. We finally get our happily ever after and I can't be here longer for it. Fuck. Seth, man, I love you brother. You know that. I'm so sorry to bail on you like this, I feel like I'm letting you down. I'd hoped it would be the three of us forever. I know there's no miracle, and I know these journals aren't a substitute for the real thing. I hope reading them helps you understand why. Helps you understand her, and how I could share her with you. I don't expect you to share her with anyone. Frankly, I hope you don't. No one understands our girl as well as you do now. I've told Ed to wait a month before giving these to you if Leah seems to be hanging in there. If not, I told him to wait a little longer because I don't want you stressing, and I want your focus to be totally on her if she needs you.
I don't seriously think I have any worries after a year, do I? Really? Let's face it, you love her as much as I do. I knew it from the first time you guys met, I think. I never admitted that to you or her before. It didn't matter. In a way I was glad, because I knew then I'd met a girl good enough for you, buddy. I wish I'd been brave enough to talk to you sooner, years ago. This would have all been so much easier with you here from the start, from before my life got ripped apart.
I always had this weird thought, even years ago, when we were kids, that I wished we could marry the same girl and all be together. I had no idea what that meant back then, only that the thought of not seeing or talking to you every day ripped me up from the inside out. I thought I was weird or freaky. I didn't know then what I know now, duh. I hated it when you were gone overseas. I worried about you every day, fucking missed you like crazy.
How much of our lives, any of us humans, do we live spent in fear of some sort? I was always worried you'd think I was gay or something, and that was never it at all. I just ... wanted you there. With me. I had no frame of reference to explain it before. And I couldn't tell you how much I hated your wives. Not because of them (well, okay, a little) but because they cut into how much time I could spend with you.
I was so happy when I knew Leah loved you. Fuck, I wanted to jump up and down and scream it! You have no idea. I'm sorry I didn't admit that to you sooner. I should have but again, you had so much on your plate to deal with, why one more worry? I knew you'd understand later, as you lived with us. As you felt it yourself.
The right woman. I'm sorry I can't be here longer with you and her to enjoy...
Seth closed the journal and took a deep breath. He needed time to compose himself. Twenty minutes later, he started reading again.
...and her to enjoy our life together. Please make sure she understands how sorry I am about that. And you too. I never would have shared her with anyone else. I know you don't want to share her with anyone else. And I think maybe she sensed how much I loved you. Maybe that's why she was able to feel the way I did about you, even though I never admitted everything to her. Tell her I'm sorry about that, too.
If she reads this, then babe, please understand, I didn't know how to tell you. You know how much Seth's meant to me all these years. He's been my rock. He was the one person I knew—besides you—would always be there for me, who would be honest with me and didn't give a shit who or what I was. I could have been a bum somewhere and Seth would still be my friend. I always wished he'd been my brother. I always wanted to spend the nights at his house when we were kids, loved his mom and dad even more than my own, I think. They were fantastic.
Well, I can't write forever, can I? Ha ha. I've given Ed, as you've already seen by now, lots of instructions, lots of things to give both of you. Hopefully to keep the two of you going. I'm sorry I've got to leave you sort of flying blind. I've never been through something like this before but I have every faith in you, Seth, that you will keep her safe and keep her wanting to live. Or get her back to wanting to live. She loves you. She'll respond to you if nothing else.
Find your own path with her. Don't worry about trying to do everything exactly the way I did it. That won't work for you, and it'll leave her confused and angry. She'll understand and adapt better if you start trying to do things your own way. I don't expect you to change things overnight but do what feels right for you. Don't worry about if I'd approve. If you keep your promise to me and her, that's all I care about. The details of how you do that don't matter to me. I know you love her and will do everything in your power to keep her safe and loved.
Take care, and go in peace, brother. I love you, Seth. I love you, Leah. You have both made me so proud.
Seth sobbed. That Kaden's words were so much his own at the end ... it sent a shiver up his spine. And that last piece clicked into place.
He understood. Finally.
Completely, utterly.
When he was a kid, maybe six, around that age, he remembered going to one of his cousin's weddings. Thinking how cool it'd be if his best friend and him could be together, Seth had asked his mom if two guys could marry the same girl. She'd got this horrified look on her face and said, “Don't be ridiculous!”
He'd never dared, ever, to ask about it again.
He never dreamed Kaden had thought the same thing. But then again, didn't it fit? They were like twins in many ways, born only weeks apart. Their mothers had drifted apart as close friends over the years before their respective deaths but their own friendship had never faltered, never wavered. It had grown stronger, deeper.
He carried the papers—Kaden had put the later journals into three-ring binders for him—into the bedroom.
Leah awoke as he climbed into bed with her. When she saw his face, sleep left her system.
“What's the matter?”
He held her close and read Kaden's final journal entry to her. This one time, he knew she should see it out of order. By the time he finished, she was sobbing too, clinging to him.
Then he told her. He admitted what he'd never told anyone else.
Admitted what he'd wished he'd told Kaden years ago.
She finally sat up and looked at him, wiped his tears away, and kissed him. “I love you and I don't want anyone else. Ever. I've lost Kaden, but I still have you.”
“I won't share you, I'm telling you that right now.”
She smiled. It was the first time he'd seen a smile actually reach her eyes since Kaden's death. “I hope to hell you don't. It'd really piss me off.”
Chapter 27
I'd spent the better part of the past two months out of town, both on vanilla business and teaching classes. It was good to be home. I'd almost decided not to go to the club, then thought it might not be a bad thing, get caught up with the latest chatter, chill out a little. I was currently without sub or girlfriend and the club always needed volunteer DMs.
I was standing in the foyer talking to Becca, one of the registration volunteers, when I heard the bike outside. No mistaking that sound. They walked in a moment later and it took me a minute to process the sight.
I hadn't seen them in a couple of months even though I talked to them on the phone once a week on average, emails even more frequently. Seth walked over, smiled, shook my hand. “Hey, Tony. When did you get back?”
“Yesterday. Still unpacking. I was going to call you tomorrow.”
Leah looked good, a world better than a year ago, even better than the last time I'd seen her although I suspected she'd always wear her deep grief like an invisible veil. She had her bike helmet tucked under her arm, black jeans, and her black bike jacket was unzipped over her heavy leather bustier that—barely—covered her breasts and kept her street-legally dressed. Her custom-tooled, locked black leather collar looked good. The little silver tags caught the dim light. She glanced at her Master. He gave her a quick nod.
“Hi Tony,” she said, leaning in for a quick hug.
“You two doing okay?” I knew the anniversary had been two weeks earlier.
She smiled and it looked genuine, unlike the horrifically awful mask she forced in the early days and weeks after Kaden's death. I preferred to witness her honest private grief than the façade she'd tried to portray to the rest of the world.
“We're good. We still have rough days sometimes. We deal with them together.” She glanced at Seth.
Lucky bastard.
He signed them in and as they walked through the door to the back, I noticed his demeanor changed. He seemed to grow in height as his arm curled protectively around her shoulders. She leaned into him, her steps perfectly synced with his. I hadn't watched them scene in many months, knew from our talks that they had shifted into a different style. Their private time together, what she needed, they did at home. What they did in front of others was strictly for play unless they were teaching.
I followed them, wondering what toys he had in the duffel bag slung over his other shoulder. Didn't look like he had any canes or crops from the way it hung.
They walked to the St. Andrew's Cross, which I thought was curious. Kaden had rarely played with her on that in public, although they had one at home that received a lot of use. I stopped at a discreet distance and watched as she stood in front of her Master and kissed him, then dropped to her knees with a beautiful look on her face.
Lucky bastard.
“What do you want to do?” he asked.
“I want to please You, Master.”
“Be a little more specific, girl.”
Her eyes lit up. That was encouraging. She'd seemed so dead at first, I wasn't sure if he'd be able to pull her through. Frankly, I'd had doubts about his state of mind. I'd warned Ed that if Seth lost her, he might as well plan Seth's funeral too, because I knew she was keeping him alive every bit as much as he was keeping her going.
“Master, I want to feel the bite.”
He looked bored, examined his fingernails. “Hmm. I'm not sure you do. You don't sound like it.”
She threw her arms around his knees. “Please, Master? I'll do anything.”
He playfully cocked an eyebrow at her. “Anything?”
She eagerly nodded, smiling. “Anything.”
I'd noticed his confidence had built since that first time I met him. He also treated her differently. Then again, she was greatly changed now, too. Having survived something like that, it shows a person they can take more than they thought. It tempers the soul and if it doesn't destroy you, it can make you stronger.
Sometimes the old clichés weren't just bullshit.
Seth wasn't hovering over her as Kaden had. I suspected if anyone dared look at her wrong, she'd clock them. Before, Leah would have cowered and needed protection, frozen in fear.
Now, after Kaden's death, Leah would kick Baxter's ass, or anyone else who dared speak to or touch her without her Master's say-so.
Seth dropped the bag and his helmet to the floor, next to Leah's helmet. He shrugged off his bike jacket. He wore a dark charcoal button-up shirt with his black jeans, and slowly started unbuttoning it. “If you really want it, get ready, love.”
She jumped to it. She ripped her jacket off and dove for the bag, retrieved two leather cuffs from it.
Ah. That explained the cross.
She fastened the cuffs to her wrists and took out the bullwhip. Then she dropped to her knees again in front of him and offered the whip up to her Master.
“Please?”
He tapped his foot and looked like he was thinking about it. “Why should I?”
“I've been a good girl this week.”
“That's true.” He made a big show of considering it again, dragging it out for her. “Well, I suppose. Okay.” He finished unbuttoning his shirt and dropped it on top of the bag. He took the bullwhip from her. “Go on.” He nodded toward the cross.
She jumped to her feet and ran to it, her back to her Master, clipped her own cuffs to the uprights.
Seth rolled his neck and shoulders and uncoiled the bullwhip. I noticed the new tattoo on his right bicep. A vine design like the one on his left arm, the same one Kaden had, only this one bore Kaden's name and the dates of his birth and death worked into the design. I also noticed they were both now wearing small, matching silver vials on chains. They looked like they were engraved with intricate filigree, and I wasn't sure of the significance but I could guess.
He'd really come into his own as his confidence built. I could see Kaden's training and influence in Seth's manner and ways. Still, he was finding his own path with Leah.
From my talks with Kaden over the years, and especially in the weeks before his death, I'd wondered how Seth would change things up. I remembered how freaked out Kaden had been years ago, frantically calling me for advice when Leah first begged him to strip her at the club. I could laugh about it now, and knew Kaden probably would too, if he was still around. The fact that Seth stood up to her and refused to allow that ... I wondered if he understood what a big deal that truly was.
I knew from my talks with Seth that he had an unrealistic view of Kaden as some sort of all powerful Master. The truth was, most of what Kaden did, Leah had talked him into it even if it didn't seem like it to others. He might have had the title and obviously the demeanor of her Master, but it was all because he loved her and tried to control and heal her pain the only way he thought he could.
Not because he wanted to dominate
her
.
Talk about a reluctant Dom.
Seth cracked the whip. Leah wiggled her ass at him in response. “How many do you think you deserve, love?” Seth asked.
Now a few people had gathered to watch. I kept an eye out, waved some back out of the whip's reach.
“As many as Master wants to give me.”
He nailed her in the ass. I knew even through the denim it probably stung a little. She'd obviously love that. “That wasn't an answer. You don't give me an answer, girl, I'll stop.”