The River Leith (19 page)

That thought made Leith uncomfortable, and he shifted restlessly, surprised to find himself asking, “Was it always like that with us?”

“Yes,” Zach mumbled.

“From the beginning?”

“Every time, pretty much. You always make things ridiculously intense.” He kissed Leith’s flushed chest. “Not that I’m complaining.”

Leith was quiet, a pit of anger growing in his stomach in the blink of an eye. He sat up, dislodging Zach from his chest. He huddled with his back to Zach, but he could feel him there, over his shoulder, sitting in the midst of the wrecked sheets, scared, hurt, and confused.

“Do you need to…be alone?” Zach asked, his voice high and tight.

Leith shook his head, wanting to turn around and take Zach into his arms, but wrestling with a sudden rage he had a hard time expressing.

How could he say he was jealous of himself? How could he explain that he hated that someone else
—
that another version of
him
, one he didn’t remember
—
had heard Zach’s noises. Had felt him come around his cock, and had kissed him for long minutes afterwards. It made no sense, but he wanted to crush the other Leith. To make it so he’d never existed.

“Okay, so last time…the first time we had anal sex, you did freak out a little bit,” Zach said, anxiously.

Leith snapped, “I’m not freaking out. And I don’t want to hear about him.”

“Who?”

“Me.” Leith shut his eyes, trying to get his emotions under control.

Zach made an even stranger noise, and Leith heard the sheets rustling, and then felt Zach’s arms around him. His chin nestled against Leith’s shoulder.

Leith looked down at him, and he couldn’t help but smile a little at Zach’s big, worried eyes. “I’m not crazy, okay?” Leith said, and then scoffed. “Okay, well, maybe a little crazy. Jealous of myself.” He laughed. “That’s not normal, is it?”

“Last time I checked, this was not a normal situation,” Zach said. “And I’d tell you there was nothing to be jealous of, but it was you, and you’re amazing, both now and before, and…” Zach stopped, and shook his head, closing his eyes. “I don’t want to think about before either. Let’s be here now. We need to move forward. Before doesn’t matter. We don’t need to talk about it.”

Leith didn’t know if he agreed, but seeing the hurt flashing over Zach’s face, and hearing the weird tightness in his voice, he didn’t want to argue. Not now when he was still trying to face the fact that he’d nearly had to find a way to beat himself up to satisfy his jealousy. He didn’t think a fist in the mirror was a good way to start their time alone together.

Leith dreamed he was having sex with Zach in an old, junked car while his first girlfriend and his mother watched from behind the bars of a prison cell. He tried to tell Zach that they should stop having sex, that they were being watched, but he kept forgetting and he’d find himself still going at it despite his humiliation and anxiety.

It’d been a horrible dream, and he woke up alone in the cabin’s bedroom, the late afternoon sun spilling through the window. As he studied the dust motes circling in the air, he wondered what Dr. Thakur would make of the dream, though Leith knew he would have never told the doctor about it.

He stretched and shook away his nerves, listening for Zach but hearing nothing. He pulled on his jeans and a T-shirt, and padded barefoot out to the kitchen and living room, but Zach wasn’t in the cabin at all. Leith could see him out by the lake, standing with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, staring out at the water or the mountains.

Leith stood at the window, wanting to go out and join him, but there seemed to be something incredibly private about the moment. He didn’t want to interrupt.

Eventually Zach turned to the cabin and slowly trudged up toward the door, pausing by the fire pit to kick at the bricks laid out around the edges. Rubbing a hand over his face, he seemed to shake something off. Then he faced the door with an expression of determination that made Leith’s heart clench and ache. He didn’t want it to look like he’d been spying on Zach, so he turned his back to the window and leaned against the counter, trying for nonchalance but feeling knotted up inside.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Zach said, his voice cheerful and light. “Are you hungry? You didn’t have a warm meal at the hospital. Are you up for one now?”

Leith forced a smile and turned. “Sure. I’ll start cooking.”

“You do remember how to cook don’t you?” Zach asked, approaching with a smile and grabbing Leith’s shirt playfully. “And I do mean cook
—
not that thing you do where you heat something up from a can and call it food.”

Leith swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, sure. My mother taught me…” and he trailed off, remembering that his mother had
killed herself
. That she’d taken pills and removed herself willingly from his life. He cleared his throat, looking away.

“Hey,” Zach said, gently. “You’re tense. Did you sleep okay? It seemed like you needed a nap.”

“It was just a bad dream, I guess.” He shrugged off the melancholy image of Zach by the lake and pushed back his thoughts of his mother. “I’m fine. I should get started.”

But Zach didn’t back away, and he took Leith’s face in his hands, gazing into his eyes before kissing him. “It’s good that we came here. You’re already overwhelmed and it’s just us. There would be too many people back at the apartment.”

Leith nodded and leaned into Zach’s touches, closing his eyes and letting the soft caress into his hair relax him. He remembered Zach’s expressions as he’d fucked him, and the noises he’d made when he came, and he opened his eyes, feeling hot and hungry.

Zach smiled and kissed his lips, murmuring, “Let’s eat. We have all night, and tomorrow, and the next day.”

Leith angled Zach back against the counter and kissed him again, keeping his eyes open, watching Zach’s face, looking for some assurance that it was really him that Zach was kissing. Zach pulled away, though, laughing and slapping his ass. “Come on, I need to eat.”

Leith let him go.

Zach looked over his shoulder as he bent to get stuff out of the fridge, his face lined with concern. “Leith?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Leith opened drawers, looking for knives to chop the vegetables that Zach was laying out on the counter. He found one that seemed halfway suitable and grabbed the large squash first, carving into the side of it the way he’d carved pumpkins as a kid, his hands clumsy and rough.

Zach watched for a few moments. “Do you want me to finish it?”

“I can do it,” Leith said, nearly slicing his thumb. “It’s going to take time.” He rolled his eyes. “And practice. Or that’s what they tell me.” He didn’t mention to Zach how strange it was to see his handwriting come out in strange, crumpled block letters like a kindergartener.

Zach watched in silence for a few more minutes, and then burst into action, opening a bottle of sparkling water, setting the table, starting the water boiling on the small stove.

Once the meal was cooking, Leith took his glass of sparkling water outside and stood in the dusky light as evening fell. Zach sat on the stoop of the cabin, resting his head against the doorframe, sipping his drink and looking relaxed.

After a moment of contemplation, Leith walked down to the side of the lake, pulled off his boots and socks, and rolled up his jeans. The water was cold, and he kicked at it with his toes. He raised his arms and let them fall, feeling the immensity of the space all around him
—
the eternity of the sky above, the vast distance to the mountains, and the wet expanse of water.

A deep breath in, and he let it out. Another, and he threw his head back, yelling, feeling and hearing it echoing all around.

A blur in his peripheral vision was his only warning before Zach leaped onto his back and toppled them both into the water, splashing and laughing
—
and cursing at the cold. Leith grabbed Zach and tickled him, and then pushed him into the water before Zach lunged, shoving him back.

The dreck at the lake bottom slipped beneath Leith’s hands and feet, and he nearly went under. But he gained his footing and tripped Zach, who was trying to escape the lake. When Zach came up again sputtering, Leith kissed him, the water tasting earthy and tangy on his lips.