The Road Home (18 page)

J
ENNY GOT OFF THE BUS
at the stop near the lane that led to her house. Her heart was heavy and yet bursting with the newfound realization that she loved Jonathan. She couldn't understand it or even explain it. He hadn't tried to kiss her; he had only held her closely against his chest. Yet she had known in those few moments that she belonged nowhere else but in his arms and by his side for the rest of her life. But how could that ever happen?

She trudged along the highway deep in thought, her emotions a roller coaster, until she came to the head of the lane. The familiar path stretched before her. Everything she knew and loved, everything that was safe and familiar was here. There were the fields that her
daed
and
grossdaddi
before him tended. The buckeye trees that she loved rose in fall splendor along the lane, their leaves painted golden red by the brush of September frost. The sheds where she had played as a child, the barn where she helped her mama milk the cows, the cooling room where she would hide for hours on hot summer days, dreaming among the jars of milk and fresh vegetables—all of this was in her soul, part of her, the core of her life. This was all she had, and always it had seemed enough.

But today, the loveliness of the trees, the familiarity of the fields and livestock, the safety of the small house with her mother's curtains hung in the window, all of it seemed to have dimmed as though she were seeing it through a mist, faded and gray. Today the glow in her heart didn't come from her home and her family and all things loved and familiar. It came from a love for a man. Jonathan's face came before her, and the warmth of his embrace enfolded her again. The knowledge that love had found her, unheralded and unasked for, was a miracle unlike any other she had ever known, and she had to stop and catch her breath at the wonder of it.

She came to the front porch and looked at the steps up to the front door. There was the rocking chair where her mama would sit in the cool before sunset, reading the Bible. There was the bench where her
grossdaddi
rested in the evening, sipping lemonade, while she sat silently next to him with her hand in his, feeling the hard calluses and the strength of his hand. There was the chair where her papa sat, so handsome and so quiet, looking stern and formal but letting her into the secret place behind his eyes where the smile that could steal her heart lived.

She felt a great emptiness in her heart, and she slumped down on the steps and began weeping, her head whirling and her heart pounding. She heard the door open and her mother's steps on the porch behind her.

“Jenny, my girl, what is it?”

Jenny turned and saw her mother bending down to her. She rose and went into Jerusha's outstretched arms, and her sobs kept time to the beating of her mother's heart.

That night at dinner Jenny sat silent as Reuben and Jerusha went over the events of the day. She hadn't said anything to her mother
about Jonathan. She had only stayed in the comfort of Jerusha's arms until her weeping had quieted. Then silently she had gone into the house and to her room. Jerusha had watched her go, knowing with a mother's intuition that she should hold her peace, that Jenny wasn't ready to talk. So now they sat at the table, the corn and biscuits growing cold on Jenny's plate as she picked at her food.

After a while Reuben noticed Jenny's silence. “What ails you,
dochter
?” he asked. “Are you not feeling well?”

He didn't see the warning glance from Jerusha, so when Jenny didn't answer, he pressed on.

“Jenny, are you sick?”

Jenny looked up, her face stricken. She felt as though every nerve in her body had been stripped bare, and his words were like burning swords piercing her.

“Reuben,” said Jerusha, “Jenny's not herself. Perhaps she just needs to rest.”

“Maybe she's spending too much time at the library,” Reuben said while he carved his meat. “Maybe she needs to come back to our ways and forget this foolishness that only gives her heartache.”

“What do you know?” Jenny said quietly.

“
Entschuldigen Sie mich
?” Reuben said, an incredulous look on his face.

“Jenny, can you go fetch some cream for the fruit?” Jerusha asked, sensing a storm on the horizon.

Jenny ignored her mother's plea and repeated her response, this time looking directly at her father. “I said, what do you know about it?”

“You shall not speak to me in such a way,” Reuben said slowly.

“That's what you always do, Papa,” Jenny retorted, and her words bit like sharp teeth. “You shut me off, turn away, and never listen to what I need or want. I'm a woman now, and I need your support. But you're not there for me, ever. You only want what you want.”

Reuben looked at his daughter, the sudden broadside catching him unguarded and unprepared.

“Reuben…” Jerusha said, seeing her husband's jaw set and knowing it could only bode ill for her daughter. But he laid his knife and fork down and went on.

“Is this about your birth mother again?” Reuben asked. “Because I've told you what I want in this matter. I've told you to put this behind you and go on with your life. I've said what I want, and in my house, that is what will be done.”

“In your house?” Jenny found herself choking on the words. “I live here too, Papa. Or am I not part of this family? Am I just some stranger you've taken in to ease your conscience?”

Her words struck a place in Reuben's heart that hadn't been touched in many years. “
Sie haben die kühnheit
to say such a thing to me?” he hissed. “I have loved you and cared for you as my own daughter.”

“Have you, Papa?” Jenny choked out. “If you had, you would know that this ache in my heart, this need to know, won't hurt me, it will only help me. I'm not Jenna, Papa! I'm Jenny. But your hard heart will kill me just as surely—”

“
Gott im Himmel
!” roared Reuben, slamming his fist on the table. “How dare you say such a thing!”

Jerusha sat absolutely still, all the blood drained from her face.

Jenny went on, the words pouring out. “There's something else I need to say to you, Papa. I'm going to go on with my search with or without your help. This need to know who my birth mother and father are will always be between us until I find out and am whole again. If you really understood me you would know that finding out about my past is the key to my future. Unless I unlock it I'll never know who I am.”

Reuben rose from his chair. “You will not do this,” he shouted. “I forbid it!”

“You can't stop me!” Jenny shouted back.

Reuben took control of himself with great effort. His next words were like ice. “I can and I will.”

Jerusha rose halfway from her chair and leaned forward with her hands on the table, shaking like a leaf in the wind.

“Jenny, Reuben, please don't speak this way to each other!” she cried with tears streaming down her face. “Please, we are a family! We love each other.”

“If Papa really loved me, he would hear my heart,” Jenny sobbed. “And there's something else.” She paused, knowing that the next step would carry her past the limit of her father's endurance and out into an unknown land where all safety and security would be stripped away, but she pressed ahead.

“I have met a boy…a man,” she said simply. “And I am in love with him.”

“What boy?” Jerusha asked. “What family is he from? We have never seen you with a boy at the gatherings.”

Jenny took a deep breath. “He is not Amish.”

Reuben sat down as though he had been shot. “An
Englischer
! Jenny Springer, have you gone
verrückt
?”

“No, Papa, I'm not crazy,” Jenny choked out as she put her head down in her arms and began to weep.

Reuben turned to Jerusha. “You see, wife?” he said, his words cutting. “You see what happens when we give her freedom? We let her take that job at the library because we thought it would benefit our community, and what does she do? She goes out into the world, associates with the
Englisch
, fills her head with wild ideas, and then gives herself to an
Englischer
. I warned you what would happen if we let her work at that library. And now the day has come when this mistake has born its fruit. This will not be…it cannot be. It must be stopped and stopped now.”

Reuben rose from his chair.

“Where are you going, husband?” Jerusha asked.

“To fetch the bishop and the elders,” Reuben said coldly. “There is only one way to deal with this.”

“Reuben, no—please don't do this,” Jerusha cried. “There are other ways. Jenny will come to her senses. We must give it time—”

“No, Jerusha, time has run out.”

Reuben took his coat and hat from the peg by the door, put them on, and went out into the night.

For Jenny, the hours that followed were a dim nightmare. Her father returned shortly with the
bisschop
and three
völliger dieners
of the church. She sat silently while her father repeated the story to the men. They listened intently, and then the
bisschop
spoke.

“Jenny, you have sinned against your father and against the
ordnung
of our church. You must repent of these things and do as your father tells you. You must also swear that you will never see this
Englischer
again.”

Jenny looked up. Her mother sat with red eyes and a tearstained face, looking shocked and bewildered. Her father stared at her as though he didn't know who she was. A great weariness filled her soul and her heart broke. But still the voice spoke to her heart.
This is the road home
.

She looked at the stern faces of the men in front of her. She knew what her words would bring, and yet deep in her heart, she sensed somehow that the Lord was leading her, as dark as the way seemed. She heard words coming out of her mouth as though she were listening to someone else speaking.

“I will not stop looking for my birth mother, and I will not give up Jonathan.” There! She had said his name.

“Oh, Jenny,” Jerusha said, and she put her face in her hands and wept silently.

Her father's face fell, and his shoulders slumped.

The
bisschop
spoke. “Then we have no choice. I pronounce the
bann
on you, the
meidung
. From this time until you recant, you are to be shunned. You will have no relationship with the members of our community. You will not attend church services. You will eat at a separate table from your parents. You will not speak to them. They may speak to you only to instruct you as to your responsibilities at home. You will discontinue your work at the library. This
bann
will last for six weeks. If you repent, you will be received back with open arms. If you do not and your rebellion continues, it can only lead to permanent
meidung
and full excommunication from your church and your family.

“You are a baptized member of the Amish church of this section. You have a great responsibility to the community and to your family to stay separate from the world and keep yourself pure. If you choose to follow other paths, you will only divide yourself from the ones who are your family, your friends, and your hope of salvation. We love you and hope you will repent, but that is up to you.”