The Rush (36 page)

             
“Yes, Phoenix. If she gave you her number, you should definitely call her.” I was actually impressed with him. Exie did not just give out her number to random people. Even a lot of the guys she hooked up with didn’t get her cell number. Of course they also didn’t last more than a couple days. And I was hoping Phoenix would last for more than that. Exie had a chance at some happiness with Phoenix and I just wanted her to have that, have some happiness, for at least a little bit.

             
“Thanks Ivy,” his huge grin was back, lighting up his entire face. “See you tomorrow.”

             
“Yep, thanks for the ride,” I climbed out of the car and all the way up the stairs, through the glass doors and to the elevator. This night turned out weird, fun, frustrating and…. just weird all the way around.

             
I didn’t know if I would ever find my equilibrium with Ryder.

             
The door to my apartment was open when I got off the elevator and a shot of nerves zapped through me. Shoot.

             
As the elevator doors quietly closed behind me my mother appeared in the doorway. Her bronzed red hair hanging loose and wild around her shoulders, her usually bright green eyes were dulled and anguished in the corners and her mouth was pressed into a grim line as she watched me approach.

             
Although our apartment building was not entirely full yet since it opened a few years ago, this floor was. However we didn’t know any of our neighbors. It was dangerous to get to know people where we lived, the curse was unpredictable and we preferred to live without the drama. Besides, my mother was a selfish creature and making friends was not necessarily a top priority for her.

             
Her priorities started with making money and then only became variables of that.

             
Because we didn’t know our neighbors and didn’t care to know them, I knew I was safe until the door shut behind me, but walking down the long hall with her eyes so hatefully turned on me was intimidating.

             
To say the least.

             
“Where have you been?” she snapped as the door clicked closed behind me.

             
She hadn’t moved, except to allow us privacy. Still framed in the doorway, her hands had moved aggressively to her hips and her eyes narrowed into slits of fury.

             
“I was out with Chase,” I lied. Blatantly.

             
She seemed to chew that over for a minute before deciding that was an acceptable response. She forced a breath out and a wave of whisky hit me. Then she wobbled on her feet and I knew this was bad.

             
She never drank whisky.
Never.

             
Lady’s only ever drink delicate drinks. Save the hard stuff for the boys.

             
Still, when things went badly for her, she hit the sauce. And hard.

             
“Are you Ok, mom?” I asked before thinking better of it.

             
“Of course, I’m Ok,” she bit out, her relaxed eyes instantly tensing again. “Have you gained weight?”

I opened my mouth, closed it again and then opened it. “Um, no, I don’t think so.”

“Oh, well maybe you need to drop three pounds anyway, Ivy,” her tone was that pretending kind of care. A sick feeling washed over me and settled in my stomach. “You’re coming into womanhood and you don’t want that extra weight to settle in unflattering places.” I just nodded slowly. Three pounds felt like too much to me. I already barely ate. Ugh. But mom wasn’t finished, she continued with “Did you dye your hair again?”

             
Her question caught me off guard. “Um, no, not since I dyed it back.” I touched the end of my golden red hair and then held it up to the light. Before Sam I had gone through this super rebellious phase and dyed it black. It wasn’t so much this desire to get in touch with myself as it was to send a big F you to Nix and my mom. Of course it backfired when Sam crashed his car into the streetlight. But at the time I had felt pretty badass.

             
Now I knew better. Pissing off Nix and my mom only intensified their efforts to break me. The new game plan, to simply slip away in the dead of the night, was my only hope.

             
“It looks darker. Oh, god, I hope this isn’t how it stays. You probably ruined it when you dumped all that black poison on it.” She took a step forward and grabbed a chunk full of my hair. Her fingers closed around a fistful of it, near the roots and she yanked it toward her. I winced a little when biting pain shot across the base of my neck and up to the crown of my head.

             
“Ow, mom,” I whispered.

             
“Oh, did I hurt you?” she let go of my hair with so much force I stumbled backward. “Did I
hurt
you Ivy? God, you’re so pathetically fragile,” she waved her arms around as if to demonstrate the whole of me. My heart constricted into a tight ball in my chest. This wasn’t the first time she made this speech, nor would it be the last. Still, the wounds were always fresh, always just as painful. And the worst part about everything she was saying, was that it was all true. “Do you know what I was doing at your age, Ivy? Do you have any clue? I wasn’t running off for six months of spa treatments, that’s for goddamn sure. I had my priorities straight. I believed in my future. I was
loyal.
I have no idea how you are even my child. I was Nix’s choice too once, his trophy. I’ve been where you have, but the difference between me and you is that I treated my responsibilities with respect. I became the person I was supposed to be. I embraced my destiny. I need to get your sister back, she will know better. She will
be
better.”

             
Angry tears pricked at my eyes, hot and ready to spill over. “This?
This
is who you were supposed to be?” I gestured at her with my hands now, at her black silk pants, and lavender halter top, at her outrageously expensive shoes, to her Cartier necklace and earrings. “I don’t want your destiny; I don’t want your responsibility. It’s so sick and disgusting that I can’t even stomach what you do. And I hope to God, Honor never comes here, never has to live through what I’ve lived through. I hope she
never
sees what kind of monster you really are.” The words were out before I could stop them. Our faces registered the shock at the same time. And while I stood there staring at her dumbfounded, she recovered first by slapping me across the face.

             
The sound of her palm hitting my face resounded loudly between us. My mouth kind of hung open stupidly, while the tears finally slipped out the corners of my eyes to my cheeks and then dripped carelessly off my chin. I brought a shaking hand up to my face and held it gently against the still stinging skin.

             
“Don’t ever speak like that to me again,” she growled in a hoarse voice. “How dare you.”

             
I closed my mouth with a clap of teeth hitting teeth, but I refused to apologize. This might be the dumbest thing I had ever done, but I wasn’t going to apologize.

             
“Go to your room,” she snarled viciously at me. “I’m calling Nix. I’m sure he will be so happy to hear how his therapy worked out for you.”

             
My chin trembled as her words hit me, the full realization of what I’d done finally settling over me.
Damn it
. So much for keeping my head down and just getting through this.

             
“You think you are so much better than me? So much better than everyone else! I will make damned sure that this is a lesson you learn from Nix. He can show you your place because I have no more patience for you.” She didn’t even look like herself. Her eyes were crazed and psychotic, her face screwed up with rage. In the motion it took her to slap me her hair became wild and out of place, her shirt a little off center and her eye liner smudged in the corner. She was a mess and suddenly unwanted pangs of sympathy flooded my veins like ice. I didn’t think I was better than her; I just wanted a better life.  “Go to your room, Ivy. I’ll call for you if I need you.”

             
I didn’t say anything; I just turned on my heel and obeyed. Once the door was closed and locked behind me I collapsed on my bed in a heap of despair. The tears didn’t stop for a long time, they fell in relentless puddles mixed with snot and more emotions than I knew what to do with. Eventually I fell asleep with my mother’s threats and accusations rolling around in my head.

             
And Ryder’s.

             
And when I finally fell asleep it was only to dream of a troubled teen that couldn’t escape the ugly role life had dealt her. She never escaped. She never knew another life than slavery and submission.

             
Worst of all she never knew love. Not from her family, not from a man.

             
And not from herself.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

              The next morning was a blur of emotional dysfunction. I didn’t want to stay home where my mother was lurking, but school seemed like not the answer. Still, I went.

             
Even though I knew I could still sit with Chase and his friends, it seemed like such a heartless thing to do. I didn’t mind remaining friends with Chase, and I apparently couldn’t get rid of Ryder and Phoenix, but the day after we ended it, seemed a little sudden to flaunt that in his face.

             
So after a morning of mindless classes I found myself wandering around the band room. I used to come here a lot, before Sam. Well, and during Sam. There are never any classes over the lunch period in this wing of the building, so it’s nice and quiet. But there is a hallway off the tiered band room filled with practice rooms and those are occupied a lot over lunch.

             
I love the muffled sounds of all the different instruments colliding in the hallway. The sounds individually could be beautiful, or strained or awful, but together, in the hallway they were complete chaos. It’s how I pictured the definition of “cacophony.” Not that I said that word often, but still, this hall was what a cacophony of sound…. sounded like.

             
But today everything was silent and still. I was alone. Which seemed fitting, since in my head I was anything but alone.

             
I walked all the way to the end of the hallway where it ran into a brick wall and entered the last small practice room without a sound. There was a piano set up on the far wall, and one extra chair besides the piano bench with a metal music stand in front of it.

             
I contemplated calling Exie or Sloane and opening up about how unhinged my mom was, but they had their own maternal problems. Besides I wasn’t really sure what to do with it all. She had never been the most in-touch mom, especially lately. But she had never hit me before.

             
I shivered in the damp room and let the silence wash over me. It was so loud, so deafeningly quiet that my ears rushed with the absence of sound and my skin felt physically oppressed by it.

             
Suddenly I couldn’t take it anymore, the soundlessness, the thoughts in my head, none of it. I yanked the piano bench back and slammed my body down. My fingers were flying up and down the keyboard before I could catch my breath.

             
Loud, pounding melodies that were meant to be sweet and slow, or fast, feverish classical pieces that I butchered until they were unrecognizable even to my ears. I pushed my fingers into aching numbness. My back stiff and my neck pained. Still I ferociously attacked the piano until I was sweating and exhausted.

             
Finally, out of breath, I slumped back and dropped my hands to my lap.

             
“Frustrated?” a gravelly voice came from behind me.

             
I screamed in response, completely surprised. I whirled around on the bench, the smooth wood making it easy to spin around and face Ryder.

             
“
What
are you doing here?” I gasped. My heart still beat frantically in my chest and my hands flew to my hair which I knew was disheveled and frizzy.

             
“Looking for you,” he said simply. His eyes swept over me with something hidden in them. He made me nervous. There was something different about him today, even from last night. Something I couldn’t place. Like he was lighter today, weighed less or something. But not in pounds… like he wasn’t tied down to gravity today, like he would just float away at any given moment.

             
And at the same time he was more intense, more…. intent with me.

             
“So you had to scare the bejeezus out of me?” I demanded. I slipped my hands under my thighs and rocked forward so that my hair covered my flushed face.