The Sacred and Profane Love Machine (18 page)

‘Why, you are soaking wet,’ said Monty. Blaise looked distraught, his darkened hair plastered in long streaks upon his brow. ‘Were you in some sort of trance?’

‘No, no, gone to sleep more likely.’ Monty had only ever jested to his friend about these matters. ‘I’ll turn on the electric fire. I’ll get you a towel.’ He fetched a towel and closed the window, pulling the curtains carefully across. The battering rain was more remote. Blaise buried his face in the towel, then began to dry his hair.

‘What’s the matter?’ said Monty.

‘I am afraid,’ said Blaise, ‘that the game is up.’

Monty stared at him for a moment in silence. ‘Have some whisky.’

‘Thanks.’

‘What has happened?’

‘Luca has found this place. He’s been over here. He’s been in the garden.’

‘I saw him,’ said Monty. ‘Odd.
That
never occurred to me.’

‘You saw him?’

‘Yes. Standing in the garden a couple of nights ago, looking at the house.’ ‘Oh, Christ. It means the end. Well, I suppose it does, doesn’t it? I can’t think.’

‘Sit down, sit down. How did Luca come, how did he know?’

‘He stowed away in the car.’

‘What does Emily think?’

‘She doesn’t know.’

‘How do you know then?’

‘The char told me. Luca told her. It can’t have been an invention. He said there were a lot of dogs. Anyway you saw him. It’s the end.’

‘Well he’s been pretty discreet so far. He hasn’t knocked on the door and asked for Daddy. Though I suppose he might at any moment.’

‘Exactly. But it isn’t just that – it’s the separation being broken through —’

‘Have you been drinking?’

‘Yes. It’s the two worlds, suddenly one sees – they’re really – one world after all.’

‘I suppose you had some inkling of this before. What are you going to do?’

‘I'll have to tell Harriet. And yet I can’t, I can’t, I
can’t.
And David. It’s the end of my relation with both of them.’

‘You underrate them.’

‘But it is clear, isn’t it – I’ll
have
to tell them now -before Luca starts asking for Daddy. It is clear. Just tell me, would you?’

‘It’s very interesting,‘ said Monty. ‘Yes, I imagine so, but let’s think. Suppose Luca could be persuaded to keep quiet-’

‘He’s not a rational being. He’s a force. One couldn’t treat him as predictable.’

‘I should have thought forces were more predictable than rational beings. But come, he’s just a little child.’

‘He’s a demon. He’s come here to ruin me. Oh it’s not his fault –’

‘All right, one thing at a time. We assume Luca is fatal. Now let’s consider your state of mind. Don’t you find that you, a bit, want to tell?’

‘No!’

‘Won’t it be a relief in a way to pull everything down on top of you?’

‘No, it won’t! That’s just abstract. I’ve got to decide whether tomorrow morning to say to Harriet—’

‘Don’t think of the decision,’ said Monty, ‘think beyond it. After all, we’ve talked about this before, it’s not a new idea.’

‘It is a new idea, as
real
as it’s new. I’ve never really imagined what it would be like. David’s face, Harriet’s tears – Oh God –’

‘Don’t be so tragic. Try to be intelligent. I admit I am fascinated by your dilemma. Are you not now simply being forced to do what you ought to do, and ought you not to be grateful? You always said it would have to come out sometime, and why not now when there’s a motive?’

‘Mephistopheles as usual. We’ve had this conversation before. I don’t think it is what I ought to do, ruin Harriet’s happiness.’

‘You’ve already ruined it’

‘Ruin David’s exams. Of course it’ll have to come out sometime, but why now? There’s still not enough reason —’

‘Yes there is, because of Luca. You’re lucky to have your hand forced.’

‘But it’s not being forced, as you said yourself. Luca may there may be nothing more – I’ll ask him not to – Oh God, I hate myself.’

‘You speak as if you were losing your virtue now, but it was lost long ago. Anyway, your virtue doesn’t matter here. What matters is the general happiness. You’re not really thinking about Harriet —’

‘Since I knew about Luca coming here, I’ve thought of nothing but Harriet and David —’

‘No, no, you’re thinking about yourself. Now try to picture it —’

‘I can’t, I can’t —’

‘You’ve told Harriet. Well, what will she do, what can she do? She’ll have to accept the situation. She won’t divorce you, you know that.’

‘It’s simply the fact of her knowing —’

‘Exactly. So you haven’t thought. You’ve been telling me for years what hell it all was, leading a double life. The new scene may be hell too but at least it will be different and it may conceivably be better. You’re so obsessed with the loss of your virtue – not even that, that’s serious, but that’s done – with the loss of your reputation, you aren’t thinking how the others may save you.’

‘Save me?’

‘Yes. Harriet can save you.’

‘You mean forgive me? That’s impossible. Simply her knowing would divide us absolutely. Anyway I don’t want to be forgiven, such feelings would just be obscene. And even if Harriet could forgive me, David never could, ever, ever, ever. There isn’t – there isn’t – the machinery – for me to be forgiven – by David – it doesn’t exist.’

‘Let’s think about Harriet Harriet is a wonderful woman, intelligent and strong and good – an angel as you’ve often said – and she loves you. Why not cast yourself on to Harriet’s love like people used to cast themselves on God? Stop thinking about your sins and your reputation and think about Harriet’s love.’

‘It’s such an outrage against her love. I can’t rely on her just where I’ve hurt her and damaged her most.’

‘I don’t see why not. You’re thinking about yourself again, you can’t seem to stop. Anyway, if you tell, you won’t be making yourself morally worse, you may even be making yourself morally better.’

‘What I need is for all this not to have happened at all.’

‘You need what all sinners need, a salvation which blots out the fault You just happen to be luckier than most sinners since something like that is just conceivably possible in your case.’

‘I don’t know what you mean – You’ve never said this to me before. You encouraged me to go on.’

‘I didn’t encourage you to. You were determined to. I just listened.’

‘You encouraged me. It amused you. Anyway, what the hell, I wish I was dead.’

‘You can’t go through the looking-glass without cutting yourself.’

‘Sorry. I’m drunk. I drank a hell of a lot of whisky over there. I kissed Harriet and sent her to bed, and she told me not to work too long – Oh God, perhaps it’s the last time – and I was reading them their book – it’s all so precious – and I’ve destroyed it for ever.’

‘And you must think about Emily too.’

‘I’d like to kill Emily.’

‘Imagine you’ve told. What will Emily do?’

‘Celebrate. I don’t know what she’ll do.’

‘Of course, you must resign yourself to losing the initiative.’

‘You’re loving every moment of this, aren’t you. I wish I’d never said anything to you. Sony. I know I’m behaving like a child, wanting to be told what to do. I suppose I want to be convinced that it’s inevitable.’

‘You need a salvation which will redeem your fault. Your two victims can provide it. No one else can.’

‘You mean Harriet and David.’

‘I mean Harriet and Emily.’

‘You don’t understand. I’ve never really – conceived they both exist – one or the other – but not both.’

‘I know, I know. This is your ordeal. Simply Harriet knowing.’

‘I feel if Harriet ever knew about Emily the world would simply end in a huge explosion.’

‘Your ordeal is that it won’t. You’ll all go on existing, sleeping and eating and going to the lavatory.’

‘It’s unthinkable. Literally. Like modern physics. I can’t think it.’

‘Blot yourself out Give yourself to them, really give yourself. You may find that, surprisingly enough and little as you deserve it, they may look after you.’

‘It isn’t a matter of Harriet saying "I forgive you", even if she did. It’s cosmic.’

‘Only for your consciousness.’

‘I live in my consciousness.’

‘Why be resigned to that? You imagine even now that you will sort out your life as an emperor sorts out his kingdom and that it all really depends on you. Don’t play it so tragically. Life is absurd and mostly comic. Where comedy fails what we have is misery, not tragedy. You don’t exist all that much, anyway. Your breaths are numbered. Of course you can’t solve it all now by a rational act of will. And of course there are deep automatic retributions for any wrong-doing. Because of what you have done things will happen later which can’t possibly be foreseen. But don’t look on yourself as a tragic hero. Think about right acts, right moves. You ought to tell Harriet. That has always been so. Now you have a chance to take the idea seriously. Let the value of truth help you, let it shed light. Would it not be a relief and a simple good thing to tell the truth?’

‘I can’t feel the value of truth here,’ said Blaise. ‘Perhaps that’s what corruption is. Anyway I’ve always felt that I must digest my own scandal.’

‘You’ve always known that it would come out sometime. You will act when the pain and the fear become too much. Perhaps that is now. Better move before you get used to the new pain and the new fear.’

‘You are right. I will tell Harriet tomorrow morning. Oh God help me —’

‘Better tell her in a letter,’ said Monty.

‘Why in a letter?’

‘Because in a letter you can use your intelligence. You speak as if there was just one huge fact to be revealed. But there are many lights in which you can present the situation to her and many lights in which it can be seen Of course you will he a bit to both women, that can hardly be avoided —’

‘Perhaps you’d like to compose the letter for me!’

‘I will if you like. Seriously. I mean, for instance you can tell her that you no longer love Emily, that she’s a burden to you, that you only stuck to her out of a sense of duty – if that’s true – and even if it isn’t.’

‘Mephistopheles, Mephistopheles—’

‘Well, intelligence does help in hell. It helped Milton’s characters. Once you can start thinking about the situation instead of being crushed by it you’ll immediately suffer less.’

‘What else should I say in the letter?’

‘Talk about the children and their rights and the importance of their happiness. Two children, two separate unavoidable problems.’

‘That makes sense, I suppose.’

‘Good. You’re thinking.’

‘No, I’m not. I couldn’t write this letter. You’ll have to write it.’

‘All right, I’ll make a draft. Make Harriet see it as a set of soluble problems, not just as one huge enormity. And tell her you rely on her love. Come, do cheer up. You may be the wickedest man in England, but even wicked men perk up occasionally.’

‘I do feel a little better.’

‘You may even find yourself closer to Harriet in the end.’

‘If I thought that I could bear anything. But – you know, I’d better see Emily first – it may not be necessary at all – you said yourself – I’ll see Emily tomorrow and decide after that.’

‘Let me go with you to Emily.’

‘Why? To satisfy your curiosity at last?’

‘That, yes. But I feel you need a witness, a second. You know what will happen if you see Emily and then decide. You’ll just fall back into the old double state of mind.’

‘If I tell Emily I am going to tell Harriet – then I suppose I shall have to tell Harriet. At any rate it —’

‘You know, I’ve never advised you at all and I’m not really advising you now.’

‘Oh, yes you are. Will you write that letter for me?’

‘Yes, yes —’

‘Why am I feeling better?’

‘Because you’ve set yourself some little tasks which still don’t commit you to anything. Because you’ve decided somewhere in your mind that it’s not necessary to tell Harriet after all.’

‘But it is necessary?’

‘It is necessary, I think.’

‘Maybe you had better come with me to Emily’s.’

‘By the way, please don’t ever tell Harriet that you told me about Emily. Let her think I only found out after.’

‘Why? You seem to be worrying about your reputation now.’

‘It would hurt her to think I’d known all along, and deceived her.’

‘Oh, Christ Magnus Bowles. What about him?’

‘Let him be. For the present anyway.’

‘You mean don’t tell Harriet he doesn’t exist?’

‘She’ll have enough nightmares without that crazy little jape.’

‘I can never make out whether you are bottomlessly cynical or not. Actually Magnus is the only bit of style in the whole thing. The rest is low, vulgar and low. You’ve always seen me as a rather vulgar man, haven’t you, Monty?’

‘I would not use that terminology.’

‘Well, whatever bloody terminology. I am vulgar. Even my sins are in rotten taste.’

‘In the case of sin, it is ultimately the stuff and not the style that stupefies. I doubt if Harriet —’

‘I wonder if you see yourself as consoling Harriet?’

‘You know how I see myself at present .You are lucky that I know
you
exist and am able to talk to you.’

‘Sorry. Sorry. You’ve been damn good to me, Monty, throughout this ghastly business. You’ve been my therapist my tutor. I am grateful, you know. Have we decided anything or not?’

‘Yes. Go to bed. I’ll draft the letter. I’ll go with you to Emily.’

‘The blasted dogs are barking. Perhaps I’ll find Luca in my bed. That child always was a sort of practical joke. I wonder if I can really face it all? What will it do to my mind? How mysterious the psyche is, there’s no science of it really. Morality baffles sdence, chucks everything about. Christ, I’m drunk. I wonder if I shall ever be a doctor?’

‘Why not? Hold on to anything you know is good. That, Harriet’s love. Especially Harriet’s love.’

‘You know what Harriet said about Milo Fane? She said he was going soft and getting all sentimental and high-minded.’

‘She said that? Ah well. Milo is gone, there’s no more Milo any more. Go now, go. Don’t tell Harriet about me and Magnus. And don’t hate me for all this later, will you? Go, go, good night. No, wait. I will lend you an umbrella.’