The Samantha Project (12 page)

“I don’t know where you’re going with this, Sam. It’s just a car.” Colin was not picking up on the suspicion in my voice, probably still in shock that I would go to the dance.

“Don’t you think it’s strange? That they’re just sitting out there in the cold?”

“How do you know people are sitting in there?”

“I saw a cigarette hanging out the window.”

“Sam, do you think that maybe you need to get out of the house?” he asked cautiously. I knew he was hinting that I shouldn’t be home sitting in my room that night, reliving the exact moment of the accident.
 

And he was right. I couldn’t relive that moment. I needed that one-week anniversary to come and go so I could move past it. But it seemed wrong to go anywhere. Like I was wasn’t being respectful to my parents. I knew Mom and Dad would disagree. They would say that staying home and reliving their accident wasn’t healthy.
 

My parents were always very rational about death. As scientists, they described death as a part of the life cycle that should be accepted, not mourned for months on end. I could almost feel Mom nudging me to get out of the house.
 

“We don’t have to go out, Sam. We can just go to my house if you want.”

“Okay. And you’re right. I probably shouldn’t be here tonight.” I went up and hugged him. “Thanks, Colin. You always know what I need.”
 

He gave me a kiss and hugged me closer. I could feel his happiness; I was glad to be the cause of it. I resolved to do more of that in the future. Colin was always there when I needed him. And I had never given him enough credit for all that he did for me.

Colin and I went to his house and watched a movie, but my mind was on the accident the whole time. The more I thought about it, the more guilt I felt. What was I thinking? I should be home, mourning them, I thought. What kind of person am I?
 

By the end of the movie, I felt sick to my stomach and made Colin take me home. We watched TV without talking. I tried to hide my guilt and sadness from Colin but after a few hours, I couldn’t do it any more.
 

Tears started running down my face and wouldn’t stop. Colin held me close. “It’s gonna be okay, Sam,” he whispered. “You’re gonna get through this.”
 

I fell asleep in his arms.
 

“
The girl’s not ready. It’s too soon.” A man in a white lab coat was standing over me. My eyes felt heavy and I struggled to keep them open.

“Then MAKE her ready. Give her some drugs and do the procedure. The meeting is in a week. There’s no time to wait.” Another man stood over me. He looked important, wearing a dark tailored suit.

“But you know what happened before. Something could go wrong. And we don’t know how she’s going to react. What if she—” The man in the lab coat looked frightened, but the fright seemed to be aimed more at me than the man in the suit.

“She’s a teenage girl for crying out loud. What the hell is she going to do to us?” The man’s face was growing red with anger and impatience. “This is experimental research. You never know what will happen until you do it. Now get started.”

“Yes, sir. We’ll prepare her today and do the procedure first thing in the morning.”

The man in the suit smiled, “Now that’s the attitude I’m looking for. You should be enjoying this! Most scientists only dream of the opportunity to be a part of something so big.”

I felt my head clear. I opened my eyes more and saw nothing but white. White walls, white floors, white sheets on a bed. I looked down and saw myself in the bed, arms and legs clamped down at each end, unable to move. I pulled hard on the metal clamps, then screamed. But no sound would come out.

I bolted upright and looked around. No white walls. No white anything. It was just a nightmare, I told myself. I was in my own bed and still in my jeans and t-shirt. Colin must have helped me up to my room before heading home.
 

I looked out the window. The sun was just staring to rise. It was Saturday, so the streets were quiet.
 

I went downstairs, where I found Dave having breakfast.
 

“Sam. You’re up early. Want to sit with me?” Dave looked like he’d only had a few hours of sleep.

“Okay.” I poured some coffee and sat down across from him.

“So you went over to Colin’s last night?” I could tell Dave was trying to avoid the whole one-week anniversary issue, but I wondered what he thought of me, hanging out at my boyfriend’s house a week after my parents’ accident. I felt ashamed of myself.

“I watched a movie over there. He rented some sci-fi movie. That one where the aliens try to take over the world and a small town mechanic somehow saves everyone.” I rolled my eyes, taking a sip of coffee. “It was dumb.”

“All those sci-fi movies are dumb. The science in those movies is completely inaccurate.”

“Because it’s fiction. Nobody wants to see a movie about what real scientists are doing.”

The small talk was driving me crazy. I had to clear the air.

“Uncle Dave, I know what you must be thinking. About me going out last night. It was wrong.” The guilt came flooding into every cell of my body, and I started crying uncontrollably. “I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know what I was thinking!”
 

My sudden outburst took Dave by surprise. He quickly got out of his chair and wrapped his arms around me.
 

“How could I be so selfish? I’m an awful person. I should have been home, thinking about them, mourning them.” I could barely get the words out between sobs.

“No, Sam. You did nothing wrong. Do you think that’s what your parents would have wanted? You sitting and crying alone in your room all night? Of course not. They wouldn’t want you to stop living your life. They wouldn’t want you stuck up in your room for the next six weeks or months or however long.” His tone was stern, just like my parents would have wanted it to be. He was taking charge, being the parental figure that I needed.
 

“Listen to me, Sam.” He held my head up to look at him. “You can’t let guilt eat you up inside. It wasn’t your fault what happened. I know you, and I know you’ve come up with a thousand things you should have done that you’re sure would have prevented this, but you’re wrong. You understand me? You are not responsible for this.”
 

My sadness turned to anger. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling! And of course I could have prevented this! I was the one who told them to go out that night! If I had just let them stay home, they’d be here right now!” Saying it out loud made me feel even more guilty.
 

Dave grabbed my hands. “No, Sam.” His voice was forceful. “This was not something you could control. It was a—” He hesitated. “It was an accident. A horrible accident.”

“Just get away from me. Don’t you have to go to work or something?” I yanked my hands from his and turned away.

“It’s Saturday. I’m spending the day with you. You’ve been alone in this house all week. It was wrong of me to let that happen. Work can wait. I don’t care what happens with my job. I don’t care if I get fired. I promised your parents I would take care of you if anything ever happened to them, and I’ve been doing a terrible job. And for that I’m truly sorry, Sam. I’ve disappointed them. And you. But that’s going to change.”

I looked up at Dave, seeing the commitment on his face. It was true. The past week, he hadn’t been there for me. He’d spent every minute at work. But I could feel now that something had changed

The rest of the weekend, Dave and I spent together at home. Dave turned his cell phone off and never once checked his email. I called Colin and Allie and explained that I needed some time alone with Dave.
 

On Monday morning, Dave and I met at the kitchen table for breakfast. We both knew that we weren’t ready to return to normal life. We knew, without even saying it, that we needed more time to grieve.
 

The week went by slowly. He didn’t go to work and I didn’t go to school. Each day, I started opening up more to Dave. He was right about my guilt. It had been destroying me since the accident. As the week went on, I started to accept the painful truth that I actually couldn’t have prevented my parents’ deaths. That it was an accident. It wasn’t fair, but it was life and sometimes life sucked.

By Friday, two weeks post accident, Dave and I made dinner together and afterwards he told me stories about Mom and Dad when they were younger. They were stories I’d never heard about their early years of marriage. I realized that Dave was a link to my parents’ past, the only link I had.
 

I went to bed early that night because I wanted the moment of the accident to come and go while I slept. The next morning, I felt like a small weight had been lifted off my chest, letting me breathe. It was just enough to make me feel an ounce of hope for the future. That maybe I could survive this tragedy.
 

I went to the kitchen to find Dave reading the paper. He hadn’t checked in at work all week and actually seemed okay with that. Maybe he
had
been fired and was searching the want ads, I thought, as I sat down next to him.

“Good morning, Sam. What do you want to do today?”
 

“Maybe you should check email, you know, in case there’s trouble at work.”
 

He looked up from the paper. “Why would I do that? It’s Saturday. I can check it later.”
 

“But aren’t they gonna be mad that you missed so many days?”

“Not your concern, Sam,” he said in a parental tone, returning his gaze to the paper.

“What are you reading?” I decided to change the subject.

“Real estate section. Wanted to see what houses are going for in my neighborhood.”

“You’re selling your house?”

“Well, only if you want me to stay here. I’m guessing you don’t want to move to my place. This is the only home you’ve known.”

“I guess, but I’ll be going to college soon, so it’s really not fair to say you have to sell your house and live in this one.”
 

“We don’t have to make a decision right now. But I should really sell my place anyway. It’s too big for me. I need to downsize.”

Downsize? I was now certain that he’d been fired. Either that or my parents didn’t leave behind enough money and Dave thought he had to pay for my college.
 

“Dave, are you having some money problems? Or did something happen with your job?”
 

“Of course not. There you go again, worrying about everything. What did I tell you about that?” He smiled, putting the paper down. “Let’s talk about something else, like the food situation. I regret to say that the food from the church and Colin’s mom has run out. Now you’re going to have to rely on my cooking, which is limited to frozen dinners, canned soup, and spaghetti. And sometimes I even screw those up.”

I smiled, remembering an incident when he actually burned a frozen meal by overcooking it in the microwave.
 

“Maybe we should go to the store,” he said. “Between the two of us, we should be able to find something we can make.”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll get ready while you finish breakfast.”
 

Just talking about doing something like grocery shopping made me feel somewhat normal again. Like I might actually get through the day without feeling weighed down in darkness.
 

I went up to my room to get ready. I opened my bedroom blinds to see bright sunshine melting the piles of snow at the end of each driveway, making a mess in the street. I squinted at the brightness, then noticed that the bright gleam of light was reflecting off a car’s mirror. It was the black sedan again. It was so shiny and clean that it stood out against the other cars on the street, which were covered in dirt and melting snow.

I looked closer to see if people were inside, but the windows were too dark. Something about it made me nervous and a shiver went through me.
 

“Sam, are you ready yet?” Dave was knocking on the door.

“Almost, just a few minutes. I’ll be right there.”

I pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt. I met Dave at the door and we headed to the car. I looked for the sedan but it was gone. “Uncle Dave, have you seen that black car with New York plates? It’s been on our street for weeks.”

Dave stopped suddenly and looked around. “No, I haven’t.” He seemed anxious. “Get in the car, Sam. Now.”

“Yeah, that’s where I’m going. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just hurry and get in the car.” He sped out of the driveway, constantly glancing in his rear view mirror.
 

“Why are you driving so fast?”
 

“I’m not. Why don’t you turn on the radio? Put on whatever you want.”

He was acting very strange. It reminded me of the reaction he had had to the man that showed up at my house after the memorial service. I realized that I’d forgotten to ask him about that.
 

“Hey, who was that man at our house the day of the memorial service? He had a hat on and he never took his coat off.”

“What man? I don’t know who you’re talking about.” Dave’s tone wasn’t convincing.
 

“It seemed like you were mad at him. Like you didn’t want him there.”

“What? No. I wasn’t mad at anyone.”

I wanted to ask him more about it, but I could tell that Dave wouldn’t give me any answers. Whoever that guy was, Dave didn’t want me knowing anything about him.

We did our grocery shopping and then came home and made lunch. Later that afternoon, I called Colin. I hadn’t talked to him for days.

“Is it really you?” Colin kidded when he answered the phone.

“Yeah, it’s me. Do you want to come over tonight?”

“Like you have to ask. Of course I want to come over. I haven’t seen you all week.”

“I know. And thanks for giving me some time. Dave and I really needed it. We’re getting along a lot better now. And I actually feel a little better.”