The Scarlet Thread (21 page)

Joshua. I wonder what he thinks about that.

Aunt Martha was very quiet when James left.

I asked her if something was wrong. She said I

must be careful where James is concerned. I did

not ask why. I know.

A mere look from James touches something

deep inside me. When he is close, my heart

pounds and I can scarse draw breath. Thomas

Atwood Houghton loves me and I feel nothing

at all.

I am in a terrible quandary. I dont know what

to do.

This morning, I was feeling so restless. Perhaps

it was a portent of what was going to happen.

Joshua was fussing and Aunt Martha needed

rest. So I took him out for a walk. Everything is

in bloom. I think the scent of spring went straight

to my head. I walked far from the road and let

Joshua play in a small meadow.

James followed me. I thought I imagined him

at first standing at the edge of the wood, watching me. He has been so much in my thoughts

of late. I cannot get him out of my head no

matter how much I try. I try to think about

Thomas and our approaching wedding, but my

heart betrays me and it is James who comes

to mind. But James was not conjured by my

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imagination. He was real. All too real, as it

turned out.

James came to me, and while Joshua played,

sat with me in the soft grass amidst the flowers.

He spoke of casual things at first. I did not stop to

think why he came upon me as he did. I was so

pleased to see him. Pleased and afraid. My stomach was trembling and my heart pounded so hard.

I asked him about his travels to New York and

the Carolinas and England. I delighted in his

voice and the look in his eyes as he talked. It

made me sad in part, too. I kept wondering how

long it would be before he left again, breaking my

heart as he did before.

James took my hand.

I said it was not proper for him to do so. He

said he did not care what was proper. He said I

could not marry Thomas Atwood Houghton. He

will never make you happy, he said. I told him

Thomas was a good and kind man. James said

that may be, Mary Kathryn, but you are not in

love with him. I said love will come in time.

James said it took us no time at all. I knew I

should leave right then, but instead, I said I did

not know what he meant. He told me not to lie.

He said we both knew the moment we saw each

other in the mercantile. He said Thomas knew it

too. I said I did not know what he was talking

about and he said he would show me.

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gave me. It was not chaste or gentle. James shook

me so badly inside I could only think to get away

before I was consumed by the fire he set inside

me. I pushed him away and got up. I told him he

could not court me like Sally Mae Grayson.

I ran to fetch Joshua, but James caught up

with me. He said he never wanted to marry Sally

Mae and it was an awful pity Matthew did. I told

him to let go of me. He said he would hold onto

me as long as he lived. You belong to me, Mary

Kathryn McMurray. You have since you were a

child and well you know it. I told him he was a

bad bargain. And he said not as bad a bargain as

it would be if you marry a man you do not love.

I shud of run then. But I didn’t and he kissed me

again. When I could get my breath back, I told

him to leave Galena. He said he would leave

when I was ready to go with him and not before.

I said he was crazy. He laughed and said he was.

Crazy in love.

And now, here I sit in the quiet of my room,

trying to think of a way out of this mess I am in.

Aunt Martha has been weeping all afternoon.

Thomas came to call this morning and I told him

I could not marry him. I told him why. He said he

would give me time to come to my senses. I said

I should have stuck with my senses in the first

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place and never agreed to marry him. I told him

I never intended to hurt or anger him. I admire

and respect him as a dear friend. I said I did not

love him. He said it was not love I was feeling for

James Farr. He said I should marry him and put

away childish fantasies and passions. He said he

would leave me alone to think about what I will

be giving up.

I feel guilty for breaking my word to him. It

would be worse if I married him and broke my

heart and his and James in the bargain. But

Thomas does not see things the way I do.

I went down on my knees before Aunt Martha

and tried to explain. She said she knew very well

what had happened. She said you are your

mother’s daughter, Mary Kathryn. She said some

men are like strong wine that go straight to a

girl’s head and then they spend the rest of their

lives paying for the pleasure. If you do this thing,

Mary Kathryn, your life will be a trial. James will

take you into the wilderness. She said she had

hoped and prayed for better to happen to me than

happened to my mother.

James and I have been married for seventy-three

days, nine hours, and fifteen minutes and I have

not suffered one bit! He has made me so happy

I have had no time to write. I have delighted in

every minute with James.

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Aunt Martha who insisted pastor perform the

ceremony. He did not want to do it, but Aunt

Martha said I must be joined to James before the

Lord and if pastor refused, it would be on his

head when we went off and lived in sin together.

So he did the ceremony short as he knew how.

Aunt Martha, Betsy, and Clovis stood up with

us. No one else came. I am a pariah once again,

but I do not care. We are living in a small cabin

on the edge of town near the mill and I see little of

people anyway. James said we will go live in Chicago as soon as he has enough money to get us

there.

This rented cabin is just fine. James makes me

happy. When he holds me, I forget everything but

how much I love him. I dont care what they all

say.

James has taken work at the sawmill. He leaves

early in the morning and does not come home

until sunset.

There is little to do in this small cabin and only

Joshua to keep me company. I spend most of the

day thinking about James and waiting for him to

come home. I have started a little garden.

James brought Aunt Martha. He is worried about

me because I have been sick so much of late. Aunt

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Martha made me chamomile tea and we talked

for a long time about many things. She asked me

Questions. Some of them surprised me they were

so personal. She kissed me like Mama used to and

said I was not to worry. Everything is fine, she

said. She called for James. When he came in, Aunt

Martha told us what was wrong with me.

I am going to have a baby this winter.

Or die trying.

I am afraid. I never been so afraid before. Not

when Mama died. Not even when Papa kicked

me out of the house with winter coming. I was

not this afraid when I tended Sally Mae during

her last hours on this earth. But then what happened to her wasn’t happening to me. Now I

wonder if it will.

Sally Mae was a fine one for letting her passions rule her and so it appears am I. James

knows how to make me happy. He said that is the

way it is supposed to be between a man and wife.

He said it says so in the Bible. I asked him where.

He could not show me but swears its true. I do

not dare ask pastor. He thinks I am a Jezebel and

treats me so. I will go to hell if he has anything to

say about it and he talks to God all the time.

I cannot tell James about my fears. James

knows something is wrong but he will only

worry. I learned early worry changes nothing.

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not tell her either I was so ashamed. She agreed

to take Joshua when my time comes. She said

she would keep him until I was settled with my

new baby. I know now even Aunt Martha

thinks Joshua is mine. She mustve thot I wuz

lying when I told her Sally Mae had him. I

cried. I could not help it. She asked me why

but I would not say. It hurts when people think

the worst of you. I told her if I die I want

Joshua to stay with her forever. She said I am

strong and healthy and should have no problems. It was on my tongue to tell her Sally Mae

was strong and healthy, too. Aunt Martha says

I must trust the Lord. She said God loves you,

Mary Kathryn Farr.

I have no reason to trust God and little proof he

loves me. I could not tell Aunt Martha that. She is

so
convinced
and she would ask Questions. Even if

I told her the whole truth, she probably would

not believe it. She would probably think I was

lying about the trouble like she thinks I lied about

Joshua. Sometimes I have difficulty when I think

on the matter. When I think of Papa, I remember

the way he used to be when Mama was alive.

I wrote a letter to Thomas Atwood Houghton

and asked him to forgive me. Maybe my mind

will be at rest if he does. Right now, I feel all

manner of demons coming to rest upon my head.

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It has been a month and Thomas has not

responded to my letter. I went into Galena yesterday with James. I asked him to take me to church

with Aunt Martha. So he did.

Only pastor spoke to us. Briefly. About the

weather.

I reckon God feels the same.

The leaves are turning red and yellow. Joshua is

my comfort all day while James is gone.

Aunt Martha came yesterday day to visit. I did

not feel up to talking much.

Aunt Martha came back this morning. She

brought books with her. She said just because

I am married does not mean I must let my mind

go to waste. I am glad of her company. While

I study and write lessons, she plays with Joshua.

Henry James Farr was born at sunup on December 11. He entered the world with a strong pair of

lungs.

James fainted dead away before his son was

born. He lay on the cabin floor, no use to me at

all. I washed Henry and wrapped him in the cotton blanket. More came from me. It seemed it

would not stop. I have never been so weak. By

the time I washed myself, changed my nightgown,

I had barely the strength to crawl back into bed.

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