The Secret Diary of a Princess a novel of Marie Antoinette (33 page)

'
My darling little sister,

How are you? I hear that you made the most beautiful bride imaginable and that King Louis is already rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of having you live with him at Versailles. My poor husband is his favourite grandson you know and they write to each other often, usually about the most mundane subjects imaginable but occasionally about you, my dearest one. I do not know what it is about my husband that makes his grandfather so fond of him but suspect that it is due to his Mama being King Louis' favourite daughter. She was dead long before I came here but I hear that she was very fat, exceedingly arrogant and extremely and resolutely French. Make of that what you will.

Anyway! I have news! I am sure that this will come as something of a shock but I am expecting a baby. Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, I said 'baby'. I am told that the small person is due to make their appearance sometime in November, which is not so long is it? I have waited this long before telling anyone because I wanted to be sure and also because I just could not bear the idea of all the fuss that Mama will make about the prospect. It could not be kept secret for much longer though as I am already beginning to grow large and ungainly.

Ferdinand is beside himself with joy, of course and brags of the coming infant in the most embarrassing way. He is so happy though that I cannot bring myself to stop him and so I endure as best I can.
 

I have written to Karl to let him know. I do not know how he will take the news. Let me know if you hear anything from him? Joseph wrote to tell me that you were staying with Elector Max at Nymphenberg. How envious I am! If only things had been different...

I must go now. Much love to you, my darling! I think of you always.

Your Amélie.'

Friday 4
th
May, Freiberg, afternoon.

We have just arrived at the city of Freiberg after what has been the most extraordinary and exhausting week of my entire life as my cortège crossed Germany, enjoying the hospitality of several towns along the way. Never before have I beheld such adulation and although I know that it was mostly inspired by the love that my mother inspires I hope that at least some of the shouts, cheers and applause were just for me. It feels wrong and sad that I may never see any of these places again and am only seeing them now as I prepare to say goodbye.

The best part of the week was the two days that we spent in Günzburg with Papa's sister Princess Charlotte of Lorraine. She was very kind to me and made many lovely comments about how similar I am to my dear Papa and how he would often talk about me in his letters.
 

'You would think that having so many children would have made him quite
blasé
by the time you arrived but it was quite the reverse,' she remarked with a gentle smile over dinner. 'He was as proud of you as he was of any of your siblings and often remarked that out of all his children you were the one that he treasured the most as you were the most like him in every way.'

As you can imagine, it made my heart burst with pride to hear this.
 
Oh, Papa, how I wish that you were here now. I am so sure that things would have been totally different if only Papa had not died when he did. I am sure that Mama would never have made poor Josepha go down into the crypt and so she would not have caught smallpox and so Carolina would not have gone to Naples and might have gone to Parma instead and on and on it goes. Amalia might even have been allowed to marry her Karl and I... I do not know what the future would have held for me but perhaps I would not be here now, almost at the end of my journey to France but instead still safely at home in Vienna, basking in the love of a father that was cruelly taken from me before his time.

A letter from Mama was waiting for me when we got here, full of the usual exhortations to remember my duty, never forget for an instant who and what I am, be gracious to all who approach me and to '
above all smile
'. The letter also contained the interesting news that my brother Leopold and his ugly Spanish wife have had yet another baby, this time a perfect little girl who is to be called Maria Anna. How wonderful. I hugged myself as I read this, dreaming of a time when it will be me whose babies are joyfully announced to all the family.

'
I expect that you already know about your sister Amalia's pregnancy? I am very pleased indeed as I know that she has had much to try her in her time at Parma. Pray God that she will have a safe delivery. I hope to hear happy news from France before long also
.
We all do.
'

Sunday, 6
th
May, Schüttern Abbey in the Black Forest, late.

I am so exhausted. The journey has been incredibly long and at times it seemed as though we would be on the road forever but now, amazingly the end is in sight and here we are at the enormous old abbey in Schüttern on what is to be my last ever night on Hapsburg soil. I can hardly believe that it has finally come to this, that my new life is finally about to begin.

I am both terrified and excited.
 

Tonight we attended a very formal dinner in the huge stone vaulted dining hall and I hid my yawns behind my hand as the local dignitaries gave several speeches, all lauding my beauty, wisdom, grace and other manifold charms. I caught the Abbé's eye during one particularly fulsome speech and we shared a smile across the room. I am so glad that he is coming with me to Versailles; I will need a friendly face there.

Afterwards my ladies wrapped my cashmere shawl around my shoulders and we took a turn around the gardens with Mops prancing at our feet, admiring the beautiful roses and splashing each other playfully with water from the several fountains. Anna and Clementina did their best to distract me and to keep the mood as lighthearted as possible but there was a weird and heavy atmosphere in the air as we walked around the formal parterres and it was hard to ignore the fact that this is to be our last night together for tomorrow they will be returning to Vienna while I go on to France.

'I will miss you all so much,' I whispered to Clara as we walked together, arm in arm. 'I wish with all my heart that you could come with me.' I admired our reflection in a basin of water, thinking how lovely we looked in our pretty dresses with our blue eyes shining like stars in the light cast by the dozens of flambeaux that lit up the gardens and a delicate flush that owed nothing at all to rouge on our soft cheeks. I wish that I could be young forever and ever.

'Oh, I wish that we could come with you too,' Clara replied, giving my arm a friendly squeeze. 'Perhaps one day we will be permitted to visit you? How I long to see Versailles and Paris! Oh, Paris! Imagine!' She lifted her green silk skirts and swished them from side to side, clearly imagining herself in the finest Parisian fashions. 'How lucky you are, Antonia!' My old name slipped out and for once I did not correct her.

I pretended to pout. 'Do you want to visit me or the dressmakers?' I didn't really mind; I am excited by the prospect of the legendary Parisian shops as well. Just think of all those shops and all those designers that will surely be vying with each other for the chance to dress me.
 

Clara laughed and kissed my cheek. 'You of course!' She sighed then. 'Although I can't wait to see the shops as well.'

I took her hand and held it to my cheek for a moment. 'Promise me that you will come and visit?' I was dreading the moment when we would have to say our farewells and they would leave my side forever. I am sure that I will make new friends at Versailles but they won't be real friends will they? They won't know what I am really like. They will only be interested in staying close to the crown, in trying to ingratiate themselves with Madame la Dauphine. Never again will I be entirely sure that
 
people like me just for myself.

'Of course I will!' She smiled, unaware of the dark path that my thoughts had taken. 'You just try keeping me away!'
 

'I could even try to write!' I said with a laugh.

'Now, now, let's not push our luck shall we?'

Monday, 7
th
May, early morning.

The abbey is silent but for the sound of Clementina softly snoring in the adjoining bedchamber. I am too excited to sleep and am sitting up in bed with my diary on my knees and little Mops resting his head against my leg. I hope that the Versailles dogs will be kind to him. Poor little Mops, it is an upheaval for him as well. I wonder what he thinks of it all?

You will never guess what happened earlier! My ladies had just left the room after preparing me for bed and I was still sitting in front of the dressing table mirror idly running my fingers through my loose hair and admiring the way the silver threads that ran through my pink gauze wrap shimmered in the candlelight when I suddenly heard a rattling sound that I quickly realized was down to small stones or soil being thrown against my window, which look out over the Abbey gardens.

I hesitated for only a few seconds before leaping up, pulling the heavy purple velvet curtains apart and peering out into the darkness determined to see who was responsible for such an appalling affront.

'Down here!' I heard a male voice hiss. 'Do not be alarmed, Antonia.' I could have recognised that voice anywhere and instantly my heart leaped within my bosom.

'Karl.' I could just make out his pale face in the shadows beneath me. 'What on Earth are you doing here?' I clutched the lovely but rather diaphanous wrap to myself, fully conscious of the impropriety of what we were doing and praying that no one was observing us.
 

'I came to apologise,' he whispered so quietly that I had to strain my ears in order to hear him, 'and to say goodbye.' I heard the sound of flower stems snapping beneath his boots as he shifted impatiently. 'Can you come down? I would come up but I fear that it may lead to scandal.' He laughed softly.

'And my coming down to you won't?' I snapped. It was on the tip of my tongue to refuse him, as we both knew that I should but the hammering of my heart drowned out any last vestiges of sense and I found myself agreeing to meet him. 'I will come down as soon as I can. Wait there.' I ran back into the room and quickly fastened a red taffeta cloak over my nightdress, hiding my fair hair underneath the fur lined hood and then slipping my bare feet into a pair of black leather shoes.
 

I felt tremulous with anticipation and excitement and knew that I would have to act quickly before I totally lost my nerve. I opened the door and went out into a long tapestry lined corridor that led to a stone spiral staircase at the far end, which I knew went down to a door leading out to the gardens below. To my intense relief there were no guards on duty and the corridor was entirely empty and silent, lit only by the moonlight that flooded through the high arched windows on the opposite side.

I took a deep breath then silently closed the door behind me, pulled the cloak close and ran down the corridor as swiftly as possible then down the dark staircase, across the small stone floored vestibule at the bottom, out of the heavy door and into Karl's arms.

'Let me go!' I pulled back. 'Why did you come here?' He looked very pale and his long tawny hair hung loosely about his shoulders, giving him a wild, disordered look that was most attractive although I did my best to ignore this fact. 'I did not expect to ever see you again.'

Karl sighed. 'I wanted to say sorry for behaving so badly when I saw you last,' he said somewhat inadequately. 'I had no right to make you feel awkward or to cause a row between you and Joseph.'

I raised my shoulders defensively, not wanting to talk about any of that. 'You didn't and besides that is all in the past now.' We walked across the lawn to where I knew a small classical styled pavilion stood. 'You don't have anything to apologise for.'

We stepped into the pavilion and I sat down on a bench beside the window, dreamily gazing out across the moonlight bathed garden and thinking, irreverently, how romantic all of this would have been if only I had not been on my way to marry someone else and Karl had not been my sister's lover. 'Why are you here?' I asked again. 'It is a long way to come just to say goodbye.'

'Not really,' Karl replied with a grin. 'You have only ever seen me dressed up like a fool at court balls or hanging about your family like some sort of lapdog haven't you? You have not the slightest idea of what sort of man I am really, Antonia.'

'Oh?' I looked at him now with renewed interest, taking in his mud splattered leather breeches, his elderly boots that had clearly seen many years of service, the crimson fur edged coat with slightly threadbare elbows that he wore with such careless aplomb, the heavy sword that hung from his waist. 'You are a soldier.' It was a statement of fact. He was right; I had never seen him as he really was.

'Yes.' He came to me then and took my trembling hands in his. 'I am not willing to be a despised plaything to your family any more, Antonia. Do you understand me?' He pulled away and began to pace the floor. 'Your mother thought that I wasn't good enough for Amalia, even though we were in love, even though I would have done anything for her. I offered her everything that a man can offer and still your mother thought it right to sell my girl abroad to some weak little princeling who dresses in a monk's habit and rings bells for fun. What sort of a man is that?' He spat the words out and I cowered back in my chair. 'I was treated like nothing, like a pathetic nonentity.'