The Secret Healer (14 page)

“It suits me just fine,” Madlen confessed.

“Good.” Brother Simon took out a piece of parchment paper and slid a pen and inkpot over to Madlen. “Let’s begin.” He opened up the Bible. “Do you see these letters? Try to write them on the parchment.”

Madlen’s hand shook a little. Then she picked up the pen.

Chapter Seventeen

In the next few weeks, Johannes was at Agathe’s house so often that Roswitha had to plan meals to include one more person. Madlen and Johannes spent practically every free minute together. Sometimes it even bothered Madlen when she had to break away for another lesson with Brother Simon. But she was curious, absorbing everything he showed her. Soon she was able to read complete sentences. Writing, however, was significantly harder. Agathe watched with joy as Madlen blossomed, even as she noted her anguish when the news of more fatalities spread. But since her solemn promise to her aunt, Madlen didn’t even visit any of the stricken, let alone heal them. Secretly, she missed it. But being an accomplished dressmaker, learning to read and write, and spending time with Johannes pleased Madlen so much that she could successfully chase away those gloomy thoughts. One night, as she lay alone in her bedchamber, unable to sleep, she teared up when she thought of her beloved brother, Kilian. Her longing to see him seemed overpowering. What wouldn’t she give to spend just a single moment with him again?

“Can you ever imagine moving away from here?” Johannes asked, holding Madlen’s hand in his as they sat on a boulder near the Rhine. The snow had melted weeks ago, and sun rays beamed down, announcing the coming spring.

“Out of Worms?” Madlen gazed at the harbor. “No, not really.”

“And if I must go?”

“Must you?”

Johannes shrugged. “It’s possible.”

A shiver ran down Madlen’s spine; she didn’t know what to say.

“Maria. Would you come with me?”

She shrugged. “I can’t.”

He laid a finger on his lips. “Would you consider coming with me as my wife?”

She looked up, her eyes wide open in surprise. “Do you mean it?”

“Yes, I want to marry you.”

She pressed her lips together as she thought it over feverishly. “What do your parents say? We’re not in the same social class. And what about Agathe?”

“Don’t worry about my parents or Agathe. Do you want to marry me?” Johannes searched her face.

“Yes,” she whispered.

Overjoyed, he pulled her close, kissed her, wrapped his arms around her, and squeezed her tight for several minutes. Again and again, his lips sought hers, until neither one of them could breathe.

“You’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”

They sat there for a long time. Only when it got dark did Johannes bring Madlen home. They said good-bye with a long kiss at the front door. Madlen finally broke away from his embrace and went inside. As she closed the door, she giggled when she heard Johannes emit a cry of jubilation.

“What’s so funny?” Agathe said as she stepped out of the sewing room.

“Agathe.” Madlen hugged her aunt’s neck. “I’m so very happy.”

“I’m glad. Can you tell me why?”

“Johannes wants to marry me.” Madlen was almost a little scared what her aunt’s reaction would be. But after a split second, she shouted joyously.

“Really?” She hugged Madlen and hopped up and down with her. “I’m so thrilled for you. He is a wonderful man. I’ll give you a dowry. Maybe not as much as a person of his standing might expect, but enough.” The women embraced again happily.

“Thank you so much.” Madlen gave her aunt a peck on each cheek. They shared the news with Roswitha when she came out of the kitchen.

“You deserve to be happy,” Roswitha said as she stroked Madlen’s hair. “And if my Sander doesn’t ask me soon, I’ll sort him out good and proper.”

That evening, the women drank so much spiced wine that they suffered terrible headaches the next day. But even that wasn’t enough to diminish their joy. They imagined the wedding celebration, along with the proper dress and the food that would be served. Only for a second did the thought occur to her that Johannes didn’t even know her real name. Would this be her downfall? She didn’t want to think about it. She wanted to enjoy the lovely moment.

“But we’ll miss you so much here,” Agathe said with a smile.

“Why?” Madlen seemed puzzled.

“Well, you’ll be living in your new husband’s house.”

“I never even thought about that.” Madlen’s expression became serious. “But I don’t want to leave.”

“That’s part of married life.”

Madlen seemed pensive. “But I can still keep on sewing dresses, right?”

“Of course. You’re a very talented seamstress.”

“Then I’ll spend my days here and go back to Johannes in the evening.”

“I don’t think it’s that easy,” Roswitha warned. “Who’s going to run the household when you’re always here?”

“A maid?” Madlen suggested stubbornly.

“We shouldn’t worry about this. The most important thing is that you have a man you love. You do love him, right?”

Madlen’s face turned red. “More than I can say.”

The wedding took place just two weeks later. It wasn’t too lavish, just a nice gathering at the Goldmanns’ house, focusing on the young pair instead of fostering business contacts, as was often customary in these social circles. Johannes needed a few days to persuade his parents to give him their blessing to marry a woman below his family’s social standing. When they agreed, Madlen was overjoyed. Her only regret was having to lie to everyone about her past. She had talked about this for a long time with Agathe, and they both came up with a detailed, though false, history of Madlen’s life that they would strictly adhere to.

Johannes agreed, per Madlen’s request, to get a foothold as a lawyer in Worms. So far, it had been difficult because of the ongoing city wars. People had little reason to have their legal affairs clarified when the decision could become invalid under the next leader. So Johannes contented himself by assisting his father with business negotiations; he was also quite happy to spend time with his new wife.

When Madlen first stepped into Johannes’s bedchamber on her wedding night, she was very nervous and insecure. Shouldn’t this be one of the happiest moments of her life? Finally, she could be as close to Johannes as she had secretly wanted over the past few weeks. But when the time came, she would have liked nothing better than to rip open the door and run away.

He put his finger under her chin and kissed her tenderly. Madlen stood frozen, unable to return his kiss or lay down in her new husband’s arms.

“What is it?” He looked at her in wonder. “Did I do something wrong?”

She shook her head; no longer able to suppress her shivering.

“Are you cold?”

She shook her head again.

“Have you lost the power of speech?” He wrinkled his brow. Finally, he broke out into a large smile.

“I don’t know . . .” She paused.

“Do you love me?”

“Of course, I do.”

“Good. Then everything will take care of itself.”

To her surprise, he walked over to a chair next to a window. He took off his shoes, then his hose, and finally his doublet and shirt until he stood completely naked. Madlen hardly knew where to look. Without hesitation, he walked over to the bed. Only when he slid under the covers did she look at him again.

“We’re married, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to force you to do anything. If you want to stay where you are, you can. If you want to stay dressed or lie next to me here, you can do that, too. Do whatever feels comfortable.”

“Are you angry with me?” She was on the verge of tears.

“Why would I be angry?” He tapped on the other side of their marital bed. “Though it would be easier to talk if you sat here. I promise I won’t try to get nearer to you unless you say so.”

She sat on the bed shyly.

“That’s better.” He smiled. “I’ve never met a woman like you. Heaven forbid that I would ever do anything to hurt you. I love you, and you say you love me, too.”

“I love you with all my heart,” she whispered.

“Do you remember the day on the river when I asked you to marry me?”

“Yes.”

“We sat there for a very long time. You leaned on me, and I held you in my arms.”

“I remember.”

“Would it be better if you leaned on me, and I simply held you? Nothing more.”

Madlen took off her shoes and slid closer to Johannes until he put his arms around her.

“That’s nice.” Madlen sighed.

“I think so, too.”

They were quiet for a while as Madlen stroked his arm tenderly. “Can I get under the blanket? I’m cold.”

Without a word, Johannes lifted the blanket. His nakedness made a shiver go up and down her spine. She moved closer to him, and he put his arms around her again. Madlen’s skin tingled. She felt her heart beat faster. She wanted to slide her hand down his naked body. She felt his breath on her ear, and she tilted her head to the side to kiss his neck. His body tensed and he cuddled up closer. Madlen turned until he loosened his embrace and their lips met. They kissed each other tenderly, and Madlen began to explore his body with her fingertips. He let it happen, then stroked her dress, gently massaging her breasts. Suddenly, Madlen jumped out of bed and stripped off her clothes. She took great pleasure in seeing how much her nakedness excited her husband. He slid down lower and lifted up the blankets. Madlen accepted the invitation, pressing her body tightly against her husband’s. Their hands slid over each other, and Madlen enjoyed it in a way that she would have never thought possible. Johannes slid down deeper, then kissed her breasts, letting his hand glide down to her crotch. She did the same, felt his stiff member, and her desire became so intense that she drew his pelvis closer to her. He lay over her, breathing heavily. Slowly, his manhood inched inside her as Madlen groaned. She lifted her pelvis, forcing him to push himself in even further. His slow, deliberate thrusts grew faster. Johannes took possession of her and she embraced him, pulling him in even deeper. After several strong thrusts, she felt him release himself inside her. He dropped his head on her breasts for a moment; then he lifted his head to gaze into her face.

“I love you,” he breathed and kissed her on the mouth. Then he rolled underneath her, took her in his arms, and held her tight.

Everything around Madlen spun so much that it made her dizzy. She had only one desire: for this moment to never end.

Chapter Eighteen

“You’re what?” Madlen said, her eyes wide. “But Roswitha!”

The maid looked at her with tears in her eyes. “I know.” She sobbed violently. “We’re not married. It was a weak moment.”

“And what does Sander have to say about it?”

“That’s the problem. He doesn’t want to hear about it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? It’s his child, too.”

Roswitha howled. “He says I’m not the right woman for him.”

“And he realizes this now that you’re pregnant? What a pig.” Madlen snorted with rage.

“He never intended to marry you? Or not now, under the circumstances?” Agathe asked.

She howled again and shook her head, not saying another word.

Madlen put her hand protectively over her stomach. She’d been married to Johannes for a little over three months now. A few weeks ago, she felt a change in her body for the first time. Her menstrual cycle had stopped, and she woke up every morning feeling sick to her stomach. Sometimes it was difficult to reach the large washbowl before she threw up on the floor. Initially, she’d been too shy to tell Johannes, which was just as well because she wanted to be sure. Still, he had observed her as she remained sitting on the edge of the bed, too dizzy to stand, and he saw her stomach gradually softening. When she finally shared the joyful news, he was so thrilled that he hugged her almost too tightly, whirling her around.

It was with a heavy heart that she now learned of Roswitha’s desperate condition. She’d been blessed with such luck since she’d been forced to leave Heidelberg, though she still missed her brother. But what hadn’t she gained in Worms? Aunt Agathe was one of the kindest people she’d ever met. She knew now that the resentment her father harbored for Agathe was his alone. Then there was the opportunity to save so many lives, to learn so much. And now she could read, though writing was still hard for her. Finally, she had found love and happiness with Johannes, for whom she carried a child. Could there be anybody in the world who led a fuller life? It seemed unfair that so much had been given to her as Roswitha sat sobbing because she had trusted the wrong man.

“What do you want to do now?” Madlen stroked Roswitha’s head lovingly, sinking into the chair in front of her.

“I don’t know.” She sobbed. “No one will want me now. I’ll have to raise this baby by myself and die alone.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that,” Agathe cautioned. “I always wanted children, and the Lord saw fit not to give me any.”

“I want children, too, once I have a husband,” Roswitha said with tears in her eyes. “But I don’t have one, just this bastard in my womb from a man who would have died if Maria and I hadn’t helped him.”

“It’s a shame,” Agathe agreed, sparing Roswitha a scolding for giving herself to a man before marriage. It wouldn’t change anything now. “But it’s useless to cry over it.” She laid her hand on Roswitha’s arm. “You can continue to work here. Neither one of you will go hungry. And one of these days, you’ll meet a man who won’t mind that you made a mistake.”

“We all know that won’t happen. I’ve been used and discarded. And that’s how everyone in Worms will see it.”

“But if you go away, we won’t be able to help you,” Madlen argued, baffled that Roswitha would seek salvation outside the city.

Roswitha continued to sob. “I can’t have this baby!”

“You have no other choice,” Agathe sighed.

Roswitha looked up. “That’s not true.” She looked at Madlen for a long time. “You know how to do it, don’t you?”

A shiver ran up and down Madlen’s spine. “No.”

“But it’s my only hope,” Roswitha pleaded.

“I don’t know how.” Madlen looked at the floor.

“You know.” Roswitha’s face went dark. “I asked you how you knew to calm Sander with a candle. You said that you had seen it done at a birth. I knew even then that it wasn’t the whole truth. You know about woman problems. I never revealed to anyone who the secret healer was, even when everyone in town searched desperately. You can help me get this bastard out of my womb. Do it!”

Madlen’s face turned red as she looked at Agathe helplessly.

“How dare you!” Agathe sprang out of her chair. “This is how you thank Maria for saving Sander, because you said that he was the love of your life? You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Roswitha howled. “Please, forgive me! I’m so sorry. I’m desperate. Please!”

Madlen’s cheeks got red; her heart beat quicker. Roswitha had threatened her. She had felt safe in this house, but now her throat closed up just thinking about being found out. She stared at Agathe.

“Maria and I are on your side. I forgive you because I can understand your desperation. But you’ll regret it if you ever threaten either one of us again. Whether you have a baby or not, I will throw you out of the house and leave you lying in the dirt. I’ll make up a nice story, accusing you of theft, or even worse. Do you hear me?” Agathe’s eyes sparked with anger.

“I’m so sorry,” Roswitha murmured.

“As you should be.” Agathe lifted her head. “Look me in the eyes. I want to see that you know how serious I am.” Agathe was enraged.

Roswitha didn’t dare look at her mistress. “I’m so sorry.”

Agathe regained her composure and scrutinized Madlen. Her niece pressed her lips tightly together. It was clear to see that Roswitha’s words had scared her.

“I’m too upset to continue with you right now,” she said harshly. “Go in the kitchen and see about your duties.”

The maid got up, her legs shaking. “Please, please, forgive me.”

“Go! I don’t want to see you right now.”

Roswitha lowered her head, sobbing as she ran out.

“I’m scared,” Madlen said, when Roswitha was out of hearing range. “What if she tells somebody?”

“She won’t.” Agathe nodded in the direction of the door. “The only ones who know your secret are Sander; Mechthild; her mistress, Otilia; her daughter, Reni; and Roswitha. I’ve known Otilia for many years now. She and her daughter wouldn’t say anything. As far as the others, I can handle them if need be, but I’m sure that won’t be necessary. Roswitha was looking for a way out. Sometimes people say things that they don’t mean in desperate times.”

“I hope so. What if Johannes finds out?”

“You will have to lie, and very convincingly,” Agathe stated simply. “If the rumor comes up and he or another member of his family says something to you, laugh. What nonsense! You’re a seamstress. That’s all.”

Madlen’s heartbeat calmed down, yet her fear lingered. The idea of losing everything made her shudder.

Agathe read her mind. “Nothing will change, believe me.” She patted her niece’s hand. “Having said that . . .”

“What?”

“If it were really possible for you to gather herbs that would purge Roswitha’s womb, it would fix many things.”

Madlen froze.

“Even though no one admits it, our Roswitha is not the first and won’t be the last woman who goes against God’s plan and gives herself to a man before marriage. Roswitha could find someone else to give her something. But she might be in better hands with you.”

Madlen admired Agathe for continuing to look out for her maid. Would she herself have mustered such magnanimity on a day like today?

“I think I can help her.”

Agathe nodded. “Good.” She winked. “But we won’t say anything just yet. She needs to calm down a bit and think about what she’s done.”

The rest of the day, Roswitha scurried through the house as quiet as a mouse, minding her duties; she didn’t say a word to either Agathe or Madlen, who tended to their dressmaking as usual. In the afternoon, Brother Simon came by for a lesson, but she was hardly in a condition to focus on her studies.

“You seem distracted,” Brother Simon pronounced. “Is there something the matter?”

“It’s nothing really.” Madlen put her hand on her stomach. Brother Simon’s face brightened.

“Is that what I think it is? Are you expecting?”

Madlen smiled. “It’s still very early on. Please pray that the Lord sends us a healthy child.”

The monk nodded. “That is the greatest gift the Lord could ever give. Blessed be thy womb.”

“Thank you.”

“Would you prefer to end our lesson for today? I believe it’s proving to be of little value for you.”

“Yes, I think we had better leave it.”

He stood. “Of course. I’ll be back as usual in two days, but it won’t be too long before there will be nothing else I can teach you.”

“I can’t believe that, but I’m thrilled that I’ve made so much progress.”

Brother Simon pushed his chair under the table. “Until next time, take good care of yourself.”

Madlen smiled and showed him out before entering the sewing room where Agathe worked. “Brother Simon’s gone.”

“So. Did you learn much?”

“Not really. My mind was elsewhere. Roswitha’s words kept going through my mind. Brother Simon thinks I’m distracted because I’m expecting.”

“So, you told him?”

“He guessed.”

“Would it calm you to speak to Roswitha again?”

“Yes, please.”

Agathe loudly summoned Roswitha. She must have been crying for hours. Her eyes were red and her eyelids swollen. She came to the table shaking. Agathe indicated with a nod for her to sit.

“Did you think about everything?”

Roswitha nodded but didn’t dare look at either woman. “I deeply regret it.” She put her trembling hands on the table and kneaded them nervously.

“We still want to help you,” Agathe continued in a soothing tone. She was tempted to lecture the maid once more, but decided to let it go.

“Really?” Roswitha looked up.

“Yes.” Madlen took a deep breath. “Although we forgive you, don’t you dare do anything like that again!”

Agathe looked over at her niece in surprise. She would have never thought her capable of such ferocity. Still, it was good for Madlen to have her say.

“Of course not.” Roswitha shook her head.

“Good. Now we must take care of this difficulty.”

The maid looked up, hopeful.

“If you are sure, I can give you something that will purge your womb.”

“Really?” Roswitha’s eyes opened wide. She looked between Madlen and Agathe.

“Yes, but it will be painful, very painful. And sometimes women bleed profusely, but their unborn children continue to grow in their wombs.”

“Then what?”

“We can try the herbs first. Should that be unsuccessful, there is another way.” Madlen took another deep breath. “We can remove it, but it’s not going to be pleasant. You need to be prepared.”

“Nothing can be worse than this bastard in my belly, which I am doomed to hate.”

Madlen bit her lip to keep from speaking. The hatred with which Roswitha spoke of her unborn child made her stomach twist.

“It must be done as quickly as possible. The spice merchants arrive tomorrow. We’ll go to the market and buy the herbs together. If all goes well, it will take between three and five days for the womb to expel the baby.”

“Thank you.” Roswitha lowered her head. “I know that I don’t deserve your help.”

“In the future, think about what you’re getting yourself into,” Agathe warned. “We’ll help you this time, but I will not tolerate this in my house again.”

“You must know.” Madlen held her chin. It was difficult to say. “Even if everything goes well, some women are unable to have children in the future.”

“What?” Roswitha’s eyes widened in shock.

“It doesn’t happen often, but it can happen.”

The maid chewed on her fingernails. “But I want children. One day.”

“You have to make a decision and live with the consequences.” Agathe gave her a serious look.

Roswitha gulped. “I want to do it.” She bit her lower lip. “Maria, will I know afterward whether I can have children?”

“If we use only herbs, there’s no danger. However”—she hesitated—“if we turn to more extreme measures, anything’s possible. But yes, I’ll know after.”

“And you’ll tell me right away?”

“Yes, I promise you.”

It took four days to prepare everything. Madlen searched a whole day for decaying wheat, which forms an ergot fungus. This fungus combined with arnica and a large amount of rosemary and sage would cause cramping and bleeding that would lead to a miscarriage. After Madlen had mixed everything together, she prepared a warm brew for Roswitha, which she drank in one big gulp.

“What happens now?” She looked at Madlen nervously.

“Carry on as you normally do. Walk as much as possible. In a few hours, I’ll prepare some more brew. But nothing will happen today or tomorrow, other than slight discomfort. As soon as you feel your stomach cramping, sit in a warm bath. That will intensify the contractions. At that point, you shouldn’t leave the house. I’ll stay with you and see it through.”

Roswitha’s entire body shivered as she held her hand out to Madlen. “I’m afraid.”

“I know, but nothing will happen to you. I’ll look after you.”

Roswitha broke out into tears. Madlen took her in her arms until she calmed down again. “Come on. We’re going for a walk. Tell me something about yourself.”

Over the next few hours, the women walked up and down the stairs, moving throughout the house, carrying out their ordinary duties. Madlen tried to distract Roswitha as best as she could. Agathe sat quietly in her sewing room. She didn’t want to be a part of what was happening. Even though she was the one who suggested the procedure, it was still repugnant to her: a God-given life would meet its end through no fault of its own.

Roswitha drank four large cups of brew all day into the evening. The disgusting herbal concoction made her feel sick. She couldn’t feel any changes yet, only dread of what was to come. After returning home late that night, Madlen slept restlessly, as Johannes snored next to her. She had lied to him and said that Agathe had more dress orders than ever before. She would need to go back to work early in the morning. Johannes reminded her not to wear herself out in her delicate condition. Besides, it was no longer necessary for her to work. Her husband earned more than enough, but Madlen insisted on continuing, and Johannes didn’t want to force her to stop. When their first child was born, she would have to abandon her sewing anyway. He could bide his time until then.