The Secret Keeping (11 page)

“No,” Sharon stated when she had finished. “Not tomorrow.” And then she left.

All Helaine ever knew after that was that her arms were always empty.

The beautiful waterfront flat, when it was her place, before Sharon moved in, when it was not yet haunted by anything. She wept recalling it and fell asleep.

The next morning she cleaned the hellhole, from time to time stopping in her labors to wonder over a miscellaneous tie or a checked cotton button-down, a man’s sock, tie clip, the like. No accounting for the hosiery. She threw them all in the trash where they belonged and tried not to bother herself about it. It was quite a way to stay on top, Sharon Chambers!

Now, alone in the newly clean space, Helaine weighed the possibility that she might be punishing herself.

In the mirror she saw the puffy eyes, the creases which every year became more and more important to her features. They were unhappy lines. Picking up after a messy lover, accepting sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths.

Who kept count? Feeling trashed all the time. Perhaps she was too old at last. Grays were hiding amongst the blond. She left them alone.

She had only vaguely considered it before. The age difference. Over a decade. All their differences. She picked up the phone and called a cab. It was not a relationship. It had not become one. It was a series of episodes, but not a relationship. Mere episodes. Some breathtaking, others, many others, just too shabby to dwell on. A relationship to some, but not the one Helaine had hoped for, not the one that had been promised, not the one which she felt entitled to have by now. It had all gone into free fall. She heard the cab honking below and locked the door behind her.

_____

The “heart specialist.” The “Love Doc.” That’s what the public called Dr. Kristenson. She didn’t need her practice anymore. She could live off reprints and royalties and lecture fees if she wanted to. Or write another book. There were offers for that, as well.

But everything she practiced and preached had gone into Keeping Mr. Right. So far nothing new could be added. Besides, there might come the day when the book would fall from the best-seller list. There would still be her private practice should that happen.

Rainy days. She was always prepared for them. She had worked hard and enjoyed doing it, but maybe Kay was right. Maybe she had pushed herself too hard. Six days a week since, oh, forever. She was tired.

And in a certain sense the book she authored made her feel like a hypocrite now. Now that she had reached the chasm of forty. Mid-life, the hormonal peak, and she hadn’t had sex in months. Who knew when Sharon might get around to it? A great abyss spread before her and it grew wider by the day. The great abyss, at the bottom of it the bracken pool of her love life. She had written the bible on this. Take your time. Work it out. Fidelity. Mutual Respect. What a hypocrite! And she was always eating her own words over it. That didn’t help to restore her either.

How is it possible to be an expert and still end up with the same big nothing that drove others to seek her advice? Shouldn’t she be prefacing everything she said these days with an I-dunno-but?

Or was it worse than that? After all, she did help her clients. At least fifty percent of them saved their relationships. Fifty percent wasn’t bad. Could it be that she didn’t practice what she preached? Was she in denial? Was she too laissez-faire about her own needs?

The final chapter, putting your lover on notice. Hadn’t she done that the last time? Sharon had been gone then five months without a word and had slithered back to the waterfront without calling her. Helaine had discovered her there on one of her midnight searches.

“Why didn’t you let me know?”

“I was going to. I just got here.”

The flat was already in shambles and Helaine realized it had taken more than a few hours to accomplish that. But no, she had not pursued it with her. No, she remembered that she hadn’t. Instead she had struggled not to cry in frustration.

“Five months, Sharon?” Her voice was squeezed tight. “Why? Why didn’t you call? Or write?”

“Helaine…I was working.” Sharon paced around her. “I have to work harder than the younger ones. My career is on borrowed time.”

Oh, we’re on that again, Helaine thought. Once more she had bit her lip. Wasn’t it right at that point she had warned her, put her on notice? “But five months Sharon? Who would wait for you that long? Without a word?”

She would. Even longer.

They locked eyes.

“You would. Even longer.”

She didn’t respond. Helaine watched Sharon stripping off her clothes.

“How badly did you miss me, Dr. Kristenson?”

There was a bruise on the perfect skin, on the back of the arm. It worried Helaine and she forgot to be angry. She relinquished her position, let the naked woman lead her by the arm to the bedroom. “Are you all right?” she asked, fingering the bruise, her clothes coming undone, falling to the floor like autumn leaves.

“I fell, that’s all. Some of these shoes.” She licked at Helaine’s throat. “If men had to wear them we’d all be running around in really sexy high-tops.”

A joke? Sharon had made her laugh. She didn’t believe her though. The model was too graceful to trip and it would have been newsworthy if she had. “That’s a pretty nasty fall.” She said, kissing it gingerly. “Does it hurt?”

Sharon flipped Helaine onto her stomach. “No,” she whispered into the blond hair. “Where does it hurt you, doctor?”

Helaine spread her legs and Sharon quickly satisfied her from behind. Nothing of substance was discussed after that. Oh, that’s right.

_____

Dr. Kristenson sat in her office, the blinds drawn, thinking, thinking, thinking. It wouldn’t be against the rules to grab a bite to eat on a Friday evening. It wouldn’t be against the rules to have dinner at Frank’s Place.

_____

“She’s back?” Robert asked as he set the table.

“No. Why would you think that?”

“I can usually tell, Helaine. You get that look.”

He got the girl. The one at Frank’s Place. Helaine knew it by the desperate look in her blue eyes.

Desperate because he was already playing hard to keep. She smiled grimly. “Oh? What look is that?”

“You know. The one Caesar had.” The silver clattered beside the plates. “When he said eh you brute.”

“Hah!” She wished her well, hoped she’d survive her mistake.

“You know what happened to him, Helaine?”

“Please. You tell me, Robert.”

“He died.”

“Very funny,” interrupted Kay. “You forgot the knives, Robert.”

“What makes you think I forgot them?” he said with an affected voice.

They laughed as he headed for the kitchen.

“How is work?” Kay inquired as she counted the place settings. “Robert, you forgot a plate, too!”

“The same. Always the same. You wouldn’t believe the lies that people lead, Kay.” She circled the table, absently pulling at the backs of the chairs and pushing them in again.

“You’re so lucky to hear them, though. It must be great fun keeping all those secrets.”

Helaine agreed. “I love my work.”

“Did I hear Sharon’s back?”

“No.”

“I invited Jon,” Kay said. “I didn’t think you’d mind.”

The phone rang in the kitchen.

“He’s been very depressed lately,” she added. “She gets almost half of what he makes, you know.”

Helaine nodded. She knew.

“And I think he’s unhappy with his work, too.”

Well, that’s because he’s a liar, Helaine thought. “I’ll talk to him, Kay.”

“I guess it’s all the more reason not to get married,” Kay said wistfully.

“Or to stay that way if you are,” Helaine responded.

“I guess that’s right, too. Robert! We need another plate!”

“Two more,” he announced as he entered the dining room. He added the extra plates and silverware.

“Who else?” Kay asked.

“Anna called. She changed her mind when she heard you came alone, Helaine.” He was amused by her expression.

“Anna?” Helaine repeated, raising her brows inquisitively.

“Yes. Anna.”

“But Robert, that makes thirteen!” Kay complained. She didn’t like him meddling and doubted his strategy.

Helaine took the news in stride and smiled graciously. “Well, that’s nice. I haven’t seen Anna in years.”

“I know. That does make thirteen, doesn’t it?”

“It’s like the last supper, honey,” Kay worried.

“Uh-oh.” He wore an especially irreverent grin. “You know what happened to him, don’t you?”

“You’re going to hell, Bob,” Kay reproached with a smirk.

The doorbell rang and he headed in that direction. “But you can call me Robert,” he said, over his shoulder.

They watched expectantly.

“It’s God, Kay, and he’s really hungry!”

“She!” the ladies corrected in unison.

“Ugh!” he replied, yanking at the door, “can you imagine?”

“Happy birthday!” came voices from the hall.

“Welcome to the resurrection!” he shouted back. “Shall I hold your coats?”

“He loves these occasions,” Kay said. “We’re one knife short!”

“I’ll get it,” Helaine offered. She heard him introducing her as Dr. Kristenson and it was a good excuse to hide in the kitchen.

“This is Joan and Michael,” he called out after her. “And that was Dr. Kristenson,” he said turning to the young couple. They laughed identically, already.

“Please,” Helaine said, returning, “call me Helaine.” So they did. Kay called for her from the living room and she excused herself.

“That is Dr. Kristenson?”

“That’s her!” replied Robert.

The door again.

Kay and Helaine had rounded up more chairs. “Get the door, Robert,” said Kay between breaths.

“Okay. Get the wine, then.”

A buzzer went off in the kitchen.

“I think the meat’s done, Kay!”

“We’ve both read your book, Dr. Kristenson.” Another couple, middle twenties, newlyweds. “Please call me, Helaine.” There was Jon. He didn’t seem too depressed. “Excuse me,” she said with a pleasant smile which Jon thought was meant for him. “Kay,” she said, “I think you should check the meat. The buzzer went off.” The doorbell rang. “Kay,” Robert called, “did you check the meat?” Kay was pouring the wine. “It’s not done yet. Can you get the door?” “White or red, Helaine?” Robert went to the door. “There’s dark beer in the kitchen, Jon.” Jon headed for the kitchen. “Red,” someone answered behind her. “White, Kay.” A couple more couples. “Guess who’s here,” Kay quizzed as she poured a glass of red for Helaine. “Hello, Helaine…”

The world’s most impossibly sexy voice. Helaine knew it anywhere. The door again. She felt a hand touch her elbow. “Excuse me,” she said to the newest couple. She couldn’t remember their names. “Hello, Anna,” she said, wishing this wasn’t happening, “you’re looking quite well,” she added. Anna smiled, “you look wonderful, Helaine.” “I can’t find any beer,” Jon complained. “Oh, wonderful,” Kay replied, “ask Robert where he put it.” “Wonderful?” Helaine repeated, “I haven’t heard that in a long time.” She reached out to stop Kay. “I think there’s beer in the crisper, Kay.” Kay nodded. “In the crisper, Jon,” Robert shouted over his shoulder. “Happy Birthday!” “Gee, I didn’t think to look there.” Helaine laughed nervously and sidestepped Anna, off to the kitchen again. Kay cracked open the oven and the room filled with the smell of lamb. “Mmmmm,” said Robert, “did you see Anna?” “Mmmmm,” said Jon as he cracked open a beer.

“Mmmmm. Yes, I saw Anna,” Helaine answered. Jon shot her a glance and she ignored it. “God, you look wonderful,” he said. She smiled gratefully. That’s twice tonight. She should go while she’s still ahead? “Thank you.” “Helaine, can you help me with the oven?” She didn’t want to get burned and hesitated. “I’ll do it,” Jon volunteered. “You know Stan, don’t you Helaine?” Robert reintroduced the hush-it-up attorney. “Yes, of course, we’ve met.” She held out her hand and he took it. “It’s nice to see you again, doctor.” “Please, call me Helaine.” He nodded politely. “I see you’re doing very well with your book.” She reclaimed her hand with a smile. “I’ve been very, very lucky,” she replied. “Indeed,” he said in return. “Excuse me,” she heard herself saying again. It was too hot in the kitchen. “Beer or wine, Stan?” “There’s dark beer in the crisper,” said Jon.

“Beer,” she heard Stan decide as she left the kitchen. She passed through the crowded dining room into the empty living room and took a deep breath of the quiet. “You’re back.” She was not alone. “Anna?” She was tired and hungry, a little drunk. Not up to this right now. “Where’s your cover girl?” Anna asked. Helaine sighed wearily. “I don’t know. Have you seen her?” she replied. She really didn’t know where the woman was.

Anna laughed. “Actually, I did,” she said, setting her glass down. “In a recent centerfold.” Her hand rested on Helaine’s shoulder. “Is that right?” Helaine answered. She wanted to beg out of this one. “How was she?” she retorted. Anna felt her slipping away and tugged at her sleeve. “I wouldn’t know that.” Helaine felt caught and blamed Robert for it. She attempted to laugh the woman off. Anna kissed her. “What are you after, Anna?” she asked, casting a glance toward the dining room. “Why don’t you return my calls, Helaine?”

Helaine exhaled. Impossibly sexy. Impossibly stupid question, too. “Because I wasn’t sure what you wanted,” she lied. Stupid answer. Anna grinned and leaned close to whisper what she wanted. Helaine cleared her throat and stepped back. “Is there anyone else?” Kay shouted to Robert. “No. Everyone’s here, Kay. Put the food out.” Helaine was starving and thankful for a reason to leave the room. “No, Anna, I can’t.” She made to leave. “Couldn’t hurt,” Anna teased. “Just for fun?” The food was being served. Fun. “I’m sorry, Anna. I couldn’t.” She left the living room and took her seat at the table, dismissing the proposition out of hand.

_____

“Happy birthday, Robert. Thank you, Kay. I had a wonderful time tonight.”

“Goodnight, Helaine.”

“Don’t forget dinner, Friday.”

“That’s right, Kay.”

“You pick the restaurant,” Robert prompted. “Surprise us.”

“Okay. Friday. Goodnight.”

_____

Only a woman knows what it takes to be a man.