The Secret Life of Luke Livingstone (15 page)

‘He wears dresses, though.’

‘Mm.’ She considered this fact. ‘And that has to stop. You can hardly be expected to find a man attractive when he’s cavorting around in a petticoat—so no more of that kinky stuff, thank you very much. That’s not negotiable. I’ll bet he’s having second thoughts already and doesn’t know what to do about it. Go and see him, Eilish! Tell him his bridges aren’t burned. Good Lord, you’ve been together long enough. You must know how to get through to him.’

You can see for miles from the top of that hill. The miniature houses of East Yalton looked chaotic, straggling around the limestone church with its square tower. Beyond them lay fields and woods, and Gareth’s farmyard. I could just make out the roof of Smith’s Barn.

‘The last time I came up here was with him,’ I said. ‘New Year’s Eve. We opened a bottle of bubbly and stood right here, by this marker. We didn’t need a watch to know when it was midnight.’

‘Fireworks?’

‘Spectacular! All over the countryside, all at once. Mind you, it was bloody freezing.’

It had been all I could do to get Luke to come with me up the hill. He’d been going through a low patch. Even getting out of bed had seemed an effort.

‘Another year gone,’ he’d said, as we huddled together under his overcoat.

‘And another begins!’ I reminded him, and began to prattle on about my plans for the year ahead. I was used to these dark moods of his; they were just a part of him. I honestly thought the right strategy was to be Tigger to his Eeyore. Was that where I went wrong?

Now, standing by the trig point, I found myself gazing at the roof of Smith’s Barn. Perhaps he’d already come home. I imagined walking into the kitchen to find him waiting for me; and that, by some miracle, he was his rational, handsome, male self again.

Sixteen

Luke

The Bathgate Road surgery was jammed between a pawnbroker and a betting shop. It had eight GPs, and a receptionist so short she could barely be seen above the counter. She said I had to fill in a form since I was a new patient. My hand shook uncontrollably as I wrote. The waiting was over. In a few minutes’ time I was going to say the words out loud.

The receptionist smiled warmly when I handed back the form. Of course she did: I must have appeared a well-turned-out, well-spoken chap, more than welcome in her waiting room. I wondered whether she’d be so polite if she knew what I was.

‘You’ll be seeing Dr Ford,’ she said, and gave me a ticket with a number on it, as if I were in the delicatessen at a supermarket. My number was sixty-six. People sat on plastic chairs, staring at breakfast TV on a large screen. I stood, chewing around my thumbnail and trying to distract myself by reading the message boards. There were notices for carers of dementia patients, for diabetics, for people who didn’t speak English. There was one for teenagers who thought they were gay, and others offering help with depression and addictions and eating disorders. I could see nothing at all for people whose bodies didn’t match their minds.

Once, long ago, I thought my body and my mind might be in harmony after all. I was young, and it was summertime. Eilish and I had booked five days in a little hotel in the Dordogne. We were—I apologise for the cliché, but there is no better way for me to say this—madly in love. Madly, but also sanely. Before her I’d had several girlfriends, all of whom complained that I shut them out. Eilish was unlike anyone I’d ever met. She quelled my inner conflict. With her, I could be a man.

I wasn’t yet a partner at Bannermans, and was expected to be at my desk from eight in the morning until all hours of the night; sometimes all night. At the time I was working on a merger with a corporate partner called Benjamin Rose. I liked and trusted Benjamin—I still do—and he was the one person I told about my plan to propose to Eilish. He laid a fatherly hand on my shoulder and suggested a little jeweller’s shop he knew off Chancery Lane.

‘Off you go,’ he said, in his rumbling voice. ‘No time like the present.’

The ring was an antique, with three emeralds. It could have been made especially for Eilish, with her green eyes. I bought it on sale or return (the jeweller winked at me, said he was sure it wouldn’t be returned) and smuggled it back to my desk. For the rest of the day, I felt the box next to my hip, but my mind kept sneaking away, leading me to Thurso Lane and pointing accusingly at the suitcase I kept under my bed. That’s where I kept my precious stash, gathered over the years; those things that brought comfort when masculinity became unbearable.

I didn’t need it anymore. It had to go.

That night, I carried my treasures out into the wilderness that I called a back garden. I pushed them into a dustbin, doused them with petrol and set them alight. I even did a little victory dance around the fire. I’d beaten the addiction. I would be a man forever.

I so wanted it to be true. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be happy. Who doesn’t?

The electronic board was flashing:
66
. Hoof beats in my chest.
Come in, number sixty-six, your time is up. Come in and confess your shame.

Dr Ford had sparse hair and an air of near-retirement. ‘Morning, Mr . . . er, Livingstone. Take a seat. What can I do for you?’ he asked, looking me over with professional politeness. He’d be seeing nothing unusual, just a pair of chinos and a stripy shirt. Men who looked and dressed like me were probably two a penny to him.
Prostate?
he’d be thinking.
Heartburn?

I gripped my knees. Then I did it. I said the words.

‘I believe I have gender dysphoria.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Gender dysphoria. I identify as a woman.’

He coughed. ‘Are you joking?’

‘No.’

He leaned back in his swivel chair. ‘You don’t look remotely like a woman.’

‘I know that, but nevertheless . . .’ I remembered the script. I’d canvassed BK in the chatroom before this visit, and knew what I wanted to achieve. ‘I would like you, please, to arrange for me to be referred to a gender identity clinic. I believe I’ll need a psychiatric assessment.’

‘And what would be the point in my doing that?’

I was taken aback. I hadn’t expected open hostility from a GP. ‘I’ve battled with this for decades,’ I said. ‘I’ve had depression. I desperately need help. Please help me.
Please
help me.’

‘Look,’ said Dr Ford, pinching his nose between forefinger and thumb. ‘I’m not au fait with the terms you people like to use, but let me tell you that this is an emotional problem, not a physical one. Are you married?’

‘Yes, but—’

‘Sex okay?’

‘Why is my private life relevant?’

He rolled his eyes in exasperation, as though I were a rebellious teenager. ‘There’s no point in your coming to see me if you disregard my advice. I assume you have a problem with erectile dysfunction?’

‘No.’

‘It’s very common at your age. I can help you with that.’

‘No thanks.’ I’d stopped feeling nervous. ‘This has nothing to do with my sex life.’

‘D’you have children?’

‘They’re adults now.’

‘Lucky you,’ he said. ‘Many of my patients have no family at all. They go through life completely alone—which is what you’ll be if you don’t snap out of this nonsense! What are your children supposed to think when their father swans in looking like Dame Edna Everage?’

Keep calm
, I told myself.
Don’t storm out.

‘Now.’ Ford was jabbing his biro in my direction as though trying to take out an eye. ‘In my professional opinion, you haven’t given this enough thought. I can examine you if you like, give you a clean bill of health.’

‘Not necessary.’

‘I can also take some blood tests, to exclude some kind of hormonal imbalance.’

‘That won’t help.’

‘Then let me give you some advice. What you are experiencing is a midlife crisis. I think you need to take more exercise. What about cycling? Many men of your age find that taking up cycling has all sorts of benefits. Good for your waistline, your fitness levels and your libido. You could join a club. A colleague of mine has found a whole new lease of life. He’s just cycled across the Andes.’

‘Are you going to refer me or aren’t you?’

He was typing now; he wanted to be rid of me. I sensed deep anger in the man. ‘I can give you a private prescription for Viagra. That should sort out any little, er, problems with sexual function.’

‘No thanks.’

‘Don’t be a fool, Mr Livingstone. You don’t want to lie on a slab and have your genitals chopped off! You don’t seriously want them to turn your bits inside out?’ He shuddered. ‘Of course you don’t.’

‘I’m not necessarily looking for surgery.’

‘What, then? Female hormones? You can buy those over the internet, as I’m sure you know. I expect you already take them, do you? If so, stop. D’you know what effect they’ll have? They’ll shrink your testicles—it’s basically castration. You’ll lose your sex drive and you’ll grow breasts. You’ll become a she-male.’

‘A
what
?’

He curled his upper lip. ‘A she-male. Neither one thing nor the other. For heaven’s sake! Go home to your wife, be grateful for what you have, and let me get on with my job.’

I almost gave up. I got to my feet, wanting to be out of that room. Then I stopped.

‘Actually, no. I’m not leaving,’ I said, sitting down again. ‘Not until you refer me to someone who
will
help. I’ve waited an entire lifetime to have this conversation. I don’t think you have any idea how difficult it’s been for me to walk in here and tell you about myself. If you don’t know how to refer me, look it up. That’s what I do when I’m out of my depth in my professional life.’ Then—riding on a sudden wave of inspiration—I added, ‘I’m a solicitor. I hope I don’t have to make a complaint.’

I sat glaring, expecting an explosion. Perhaps the tiny receptionist would turn out to be a karate expert and I’d be thrown out bodily. Ford tapped his pen on the table. When he finally spoke, he did so without looking at me.

‘All right. I have a colleague in this practice who seems to collect people like you. I’ll speak to her. She’ll be in touch.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I’d like you to leave now, please. There are a lot of genuinely sick people in my waiting room.’

I stood up. My hand was on the door handle when he fired his final shot. ‘Mr Livingstone.’

I looked back at him, wondering what further insults he had in store.

‘Be careful what you wish for,’ he said.

Seventeen

Eilish

I stood in front of the wardrobe, staring at my clothes. I didn’t want to look as though I’d tried terribly hard. Heavens, I certainly didn’t want him coveting my outfit! Perhaps that was what he’d been doing, all these years? Maybe I’d been no more than a mannequin in a shop, modelling all the things he longed to wear. Then again, I had to make some kind of effort. I needed to guard my remaining self-respect.

The linen trousers and a loose shirt. They would do. Smart, but not too feminine.

Luke had been gone about three weeks when I took Stella’s advice and suggested we talk face to face. He sounded hopeful and offered to come out to Smith’s Barn. He needed to be in the village on Wednesday evening anyway, he said, for a school governors’ meeting. Perhaps he could drop by?

‘I’d rather we talked in no-man’s-land,’ I said.

‘We’re not at war, are we?’

We are, I thought. Of course we are.

‘Meet me at Paddington,’ I said. ‘We can find somewhere for lunch.’

I was slipping on the shirt when a splash of primrose yellow peeped out at me from the far end of the wardrobe. My breath
caught as I dragged it from its hanger, a sundress with a very full skirt. This old friend! I supposed it was terribly dated—eighties—but, oh, it took me back.

This dress. A hotel terrace in the Dordogne, the smell of strong coffee, and a table with a blue linen cloth. And Luke saying, ‘Um.’

I remember being mesmerised by a bird as it glided in the ravine, far below us. I could see the sun on its wings. The river was a glittering thread of silver, half-hidden by skeins of mist.

‘What is that bird, Luke?’ I’d asked, pointing. ‘A kestrel?’

He was trying to pour coffee from a ceramic pot, and the lid clattered. ‘Probably. Look. Um. I’m not sure how to . . . Blast!’ The lid came off and a small flood of coffee spilled onto the tablecloth.

‘Tut-tut,’ I said, laughing at him as he dabbed furiously with a napkin. ‘Can’t take you anywhere.’

‘You can’t,’ he said, reaching into his pocket. ‘Look. Bit soon, I know, and you’ll probably say no, but I’ve got to ask at least, because I can’t imagine a future without you.’

Three decades later, I stood in our bedroom and surveyed the ruins of my dreams. I could still see the dark liquid spreading across that sky-blue cloth, and the wings of a hunting bird as it wheeled and balanced in the haze. I could still feel the magic, raising the hairs on my arms. I could still see Luke’s anxious smile as he held out the box.

I’ll never forget this moment, I’d thought, as I took it from his hands. Never.

The ring was too big, but I wore it on my thumb until we got back to London and I could have it altered. He’d chosen it himself: emeralds, he said, to match my eyes—but, of course, if I didn’t like it I could choose another.