The Secret Lives of Emails.docx (16 page)

Have I mentioned that these are
service providers
? Some people are arguing that they are merely utility providers. The argument boggles the brain. Calling these great innovators utility providers would drown the cats in seventy-plus years of regulations. Ask yourself this. Do you want to drown cats?

Making them utility providers would say they are no different than water or power providers. Classifying these magnificent beasts as such would deny the great services that they provide. They are not just simple access points for the Internet. They provide services such as free email accounts and virus protection. They are more than happy to let you know exactly how much data you have consumed. They have customized search pages, and they will sometimes even send people out to your house to fix your Internet.
These are unique services that no one else could possibly provide.

To continue, these great service providers are always on the lists of every customer satisfaction survey that rates customer satisfaction. They are ranked based on the splendid services provided, and if you flip that list upside down, they are always at the top in satisfaction of those said services.”

Frustrated, Brittany muttered under her breath, “No one under seventy-years old uses those bullshit services. And the seventy-year olds only use it because they don’t understand how shitty it is.”

The mouse continued.

“Allowing Net Neutrality to become the law of the land will crush future innovation because . . . well, just because. Net Neutrality won’t work because of the limited bandwidth available. It isn’t fair that the fat cats should have to keep upgrading their networks to handle more traffic. Net Neutrality is simply not in the best interest of the people. We don’t even have to explain why that is the case. It just is.

In conclusion, the Internet currently sucks. Making Net Neutrality the official law of the land will make it worse, and the only people with our best interests in mind are the service providers. As in the past, they will continue to always have the best interests of the people in mind. Just consider other fat cats that manufacture cars, food, clothing, and technology. Or the ones who run the banks and financial institutions. We bet you can’t find any examples in recent times where they acted in
their
own
bests interests over the interest of their subjects, I mean their customers.”

The mouse glanced through the notepad for anything else to say, and finding nothing more, it sat down. The old white man who had been leading the discussion spoke up again.

“That was quite wonderful. Let’s hear the proposals from the real job creators,” he said as he gestured to the cats. “Oh, ummm . . . there appears to be only five of you now. Did someone need to leave early?”

Juvenile court gets surprisingly juvenile

~

Emal and Brittany turned their attention to the table, and sure enough, there were now only five enormous cats instead of six. The largest cat spoke up for the group.

“No problems. We just decided to have a merger. In the interest of the people, of course,” he said.

“That’s wonderful. I am sure those two will be happy together. Just to play devil’s advocate here real quick, will their merging create any competition problems? Don’t get angry at me; I am just asking because the communists will,” the old white man said.

“No problems there. We are very careful to keep out of each other’s territories. In fact, 96% of the country can only choose between two of us. We don’t want to confuse them with too many choices. It’s in their best interest,” the fat cat said.

“Makes perfect sense to me. I understand drug cartels operate the same way, and we all know how successful they are. Please, what is your proposal to improve the Internet for the world?”

“Thank you. Our proposal is quite simple. We are calling it Freedom Net because people really like the word ‘freedom.’”

A dozen old white men started nodding in agreement, muttering the word “freedom” to themselves.

“Firstly, our proposal keeps us classified as service providers, as opposed to utility providers; the reasons for which were aptly demonstrated by our former colleagues who now run the FCC. We provide unique, spectacular services that no one else could possibly accomplish. Therefore, we couldn’t possibly be a simple utility company. Our customers greatly appreciate the specialized services we provide and are strongly opposed to people crushing their freedoms. In fact, in survey after survey, an overwhelming majority say they do not want people crushing their freedoms.”

A dozen more old white men began chanting “freedom” to themselves.

“Secondly, our proposal will allow us to innovate the Internet by creating special lanes to prioritize traffic. Currently, if a customer’s pacemaker needs to send vital data to their doctor, it gets in line behind the other junk in the tubes. This is simply dangerous to customers who have pacemakers. There are at least a dozen people in the entire world that this threatens. Certain communists have suggested that we want to create fast and slow lanes. That is a gross oversimplification. We want to innovate by creating turbo lanes. These lanes will allow us to reach agreements with content providers to improve their services in ways they didn’t even know they needed to improve. These turbo lanes are vital to innovate the Internet. We don’t want to have to choke companies’ data in order to force them to pay us extra. We’ll do it, of course, but we would prefer that the shakedown method simply be legal.

There will still be another lane of traffic, of course, but we certainly won’t be calling it slow. The content providers and customers that choose not to pay extra for the turbo lane will simply get what we call “the leftover lane.” Whether it will be slow or not will be a matter of opinion. Compared to dial up Internet of the 90’s, it will be pretty fast. These grand innovations will allow new startup companies based in people’s garages to jump to the top of the pile by paying for access to these turbo lanes. They wouldn’t have to languish in Internet obscurity waiting to be recognized for the unique service they provide. In fact, it won’t even matter if their service is good or bad as long as they have the money to pay for the turbo lane. Our Freedom Net proposal is really the only proposal that stays true to our country’s ideals.

That is all.”

The cat, who hadn’t even gotten up for his speech, started licking his paws and purring as applause poured down from the lawmakers’ seats. The standing ovation, with chants of “freedom,” went on for quite some time. Emal felt the rage radiating off of Brittany as the cats bowed and purred. One of the old white men stood up and quieted the dozens of lawmakers who were still present. He addressed what were now four cats, two more having decided to merge at some point during the applause.

“Thank you so much for your proposal, fat cats. I am always amazed at the ideas you’re able to provide us measly lawmakers. Without your willingness to write laws for us to pass, who would have the time? Does the FCC have any counter arguments they wish to voice?”

“No, sir,” said the last mouse very, very quietly. The other mice had all disappeared at some point during the speeches. “We certainly agree with what our former colleagues have said and don’t think Net Neutrality has anything else to provide at this point.”

“Well, should we have an official vote?” Judge Kelly asked the room.

Unable to contain herself any longer, Birttany leapt onto the bench, gesturing at all the old white men and fat cats, and yelled, “What the hell is wrong with you people?”

“Silence,” yelled Kelly, banging the gavel fiercely on the podium.

Brittany hurdled the railing and stood on the mice’s table while old white men jeered at her. The cats did nothing but lick their paws.

“This entire hearing is a farce. It’s a kangaroo court. It’s an illegal meeting with no one to represent the people of the Internet. You Old White Men are supposed to represent the people but are instead in the pockets of your donors. Why do you need to defend these cats that have grown so fat on their own? Regulating fat cats will not kill the Internet. The Internet will die because you got together in some back alley where you agreed to do these cats’ bidding. Freedom died when the government and its agencies became ruled by economic power instead of justice.”

One of the old white men collapsed in shock and another covered his eyes as he began chanting stock quotes to himself.

“Make her go away,” another old man yelled. “I am not responsible for my urges when a woman stands in front of me in a skirt and slightly unbuttoned shirt.”

Brittany continued unabated as Kelly continued to bang on the gavel. Brittany also ignored Nancy, Joe, and Frank when they came into the room, looking for an excuse to shoot someone.

“This plutocracy before you has killed anything remotely resembling free enterprise, and now you want to use your power to kill the Internet. You will silence the voice of the people by influencing who can speak and to whom. You fat cats, straw men, cowardly mice—who have all been eaten—and kangaroo judges cannot claim to want a fully separate state and economics, as your favorite quote says, and yet run to each other to protect yourselves from the power of the people. The people can’t self-regulate service providers when you give them no choices. The protections should be for the people. Not these fat cats.

You cannot claim to be blind justice when you are counting stacks of money as it is stuffed in your back pockets. Where is the justice in preventing unfettered access for all people to the greatest invention of humankind? Gore bless Al Gore. The Internet brings together the collective wisdom, and stupidity, of the entire world—everyone from the ignorant fools who post duck-faced selfies, to the group funding sites that help children with cancer who have no health insurance. You can even get
Veronica Mars
made into a movie by using the power of the Internet.

The utility the Internet provides to people is endless. And that’s the key for you, isn’t it? For all your talk of freedom, you want to remove choices. Well, I for one won’t let you. I am one of the people. Hear me now!”

Brittany had been pacing on the table, but as she roared the last part, she attempted to jump across and attack one of the half sleeping cats. Kelly, Frank, Joe, and Nancy had all heard enough and were on her before both feet had left the table. They all crashed into the wooden railing in a confusing tangle of limbs and shouted curses. Emal scrambled to the railing, leaning over to pull bodies off his friend and received another blow to his nose for his trouble. He cried out, “Mentor,” through his once again bloody nose as the old white men continued to jeer and Brittany was pulled to her feet by Frank, Joe, and Nancy. Kelly rushed back to the podium and began banging her gavel again until there was silence.

“Death! By the powers vested in me, I sentence her to death. Take her out back for deletion,” Kelly shouted.

“I have a right to be heard! The people of the Internet have a right to be—”

Brittany wasn’t able to finish her sentence because a hand covered her mouth and she was ushered out the back door. Kelly brushed herself off, straightening every stray piece of fur before speaking again.

“I’m so sorry for the interruption. That is why we don’t give the people a chance to speak at these things, am I right?” she said to the laughter of the assembly who were returning to their seats. “I believe we were about to finally settle the matter of Net Neutrality vs. Freedom Net. Let’s have a tally for the approval of Freedom Net.”

Emal sat in stunned silence as all the old white men shouted, “Yea,” in unison. Then, quicker than you might expect the old men to move, they filed out of the room through another set of doors. The cats calmly gathered their possessions, one of them spitting a mouse tail onto the floor, and left. Emal and Kelly were alone in the room.

Emal had been in the Internet for a day. In that time, he had run into a brick wall and become aware of his surroundings. He had been attacked by cats, made a friend in Jeeves, lost a friend in Jeeves, made a new friend in Apollo, found a mentor in Brittany, been shot at by the FCC’s lackeys, lost his mentor, and witnessed the death of the free Internet. With all these things in his head, it was no wonder that Kelly had to bang the gavel again to get his attention.

“My dear. Yes, you. It’s time for your deletion, I’m afraid. Well, I suppose I should sentence you first . . .”

“Wait!” Emal shouted in desperation.

“Oh! What is it dear?”

“Can we take a quick recess? I . . . I really have to go to the bathroom,” he spat out.

“Well, I don’t think that will matter very soon, child,” Kelly said.

“Yes, but I don’t want to soil myself after I die.”

“Quite thoughtful of you. Certainly you can use the bathroom. Just go out those double doors we came in, and there’s a bathroom in the hallway, my dear. Oh, but keep in mind, you can’t actually escape your fate, so I shall expect you back in five to ten minutes,” Kelly said.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Emal hurried into the hallway and went straight for the doors they had been brought in. They wouldn’t budge. Other than the one that read “Urination Station,” he noticed there were no other windows or doors. Sighing, Emal decided to go in anyways.
At the very least, I won’t soil myself after I’m dead.