The Secret Lives of Hoarders: True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter (13 page)

Jackson told Mike about his “messy house” early in their relationship, but he never let Mike see it. They dated for about a year before Mike decided to begin pushing Jackson to open up about his issues. Although his hoarding was a big issue in his life, it didn't define who he was. Still, Mike's approach was the best. By confiding in Jackson that he cared about him and that he was concerned about the direction the clutter was going—and offering to help however he could—he acknowledged the problem but didn't force the issue prematurely.

Even with an early-stage hoarder like Jackson, it took a good six months of conversations for him to get comfortable talking about a possible cleanup. Mike would mention the house, and tell Jackson that they needed to deal with it to move forward. Jackson would agree in theory, but not set a date or timeline, and then Mike would back off. Or Mike would ask to see the house, but Jackson wouldn't commit. They were both nervous to press the issue because they didn't want it to interfere with their new relationship.

Mike kept working on Jackson. The two watched programs on television about hoarding, and they even came to hear me give a talk on hoarding at a home show in their town. Finally, Jackson agreed to talk to a professional cleaner. In the meantime, the two had moved into Mike's house, and they realized that they needed to sell Jackson's house.

Although Jackson had agreed to make the phone call, he kept putting it off. Finally, Mike encouraged Jackson to just pick up the phone and call. He reassured Jackson that he loved him and that he would be there to support him. Getting Jackson to make that call was the breakthrough that the couple needed. Once Jackson and I talked, Mike backed off and let us plan the cleanup.

In talking to a hoarder, it helps to focus the conversation on the clutter, not the person. Hoarders are then able to separate themselves from the mess. They can begin to think of themselves not just as a hoarder, but as a person who does (or can do) many other things as well. Most important, they can let go of the defensiveness that is preventing them from moving ahead.

This process can take months. Mike had an advantage in that he was living with Jackson and had time to build other aspects of their relationship. They spent a lot of fun time talking, cooking, and going out—activities that had nothing to do with hoarding. An important part of hoarding recovery is forming and growing outside relationships and finding healthy substitute behavior, which is what Mike and Jackson were working on without even realizing it. Then every once in a while Mike would mention the house. And when Jackson tried to ignore it or change the subject, Mike would remind him gently that he was going to keep bringing it up until they dealt with it.

Kathy, Roger's sister, had quite different challenges. Of his two sisters, she had always gotten along with him best, so it was Kathy who was likely to get him to open up more in conversation.

After their parents' deaths, as Kathy and her sister were trying to deal with the estate, Kathy took the job of staying in touch with Roger, starting with weekly phone calls when she would always make a point to encourage Roger to take care of himself: eat well and get out of the house for some exercise or just to engage with other people at any level. She would also update him with any information she was getting on how to de-clutter and, of course, ask him when he thought he would be ready to start a cleanup.

Kathy knew her brother well and sensed that he would be comfortable at least talking about the cleanup with her. She had good instincts on how hard to push him and what he might be open to hearing. Most important, she cared deeply about him and was committed to his well-being over the long term. That's ideal for the contact person.

In conversations with hoarders, it helps to focus on the potential future, talking about how the hoarder's life might look later, or about the process of organizing and de-cluttering, which is much less threatening than using the term “hoarding.” Talking about the future, but keeping the conversations positive and not about existing hoarding behaviors, is difficult but important.

Early-stage hoarders usually aren't in complete denial, so introducing the topic is not as difficult. With late-stage hoarders, one has to be more careful about language. Hoarders at this point don't trust many people, if anyone. They have been judged and rejected for hoarding more times than we can count. Their self-esteem is pretty low and they are emotionally fragile. Discussions with late-stage hoarders have to be carefully worded to be positive and supportive and avoid judgmental comments that will cause the hoarder to shut down.

While most initial contact is made by family members, sometimes an impartial outsider can talk about the hoarding with no emotions attached to those discussions. A social worker and a cleanup expert can be the bad cops to the family's good cops. The early involvement of a third party serves as a foil for the family members—someone for the hoarder to lash out at so the family relationships stay intact.

Mike knew that Jackson was ready to call in help because Jackson had started talking about his future and about how he wanted his life to look. He confessed to Mike that he knew he had to deal with the house at some point. The two were making plans to share their lives together, and Jackson's house was a major obstacle.

Jackson was living in a “perfect past,” with his Blondie memorabilia and a big collection of designer clothing. He was hanging on to a time that had made him happy, and he wasn't ready to let that go until he saw that he could have a fulfilling life in the present.

Hoarders are ready to tackle their issues when they start openly talking about what they miss out on in life, and what they want back. Instead of obsessing about why family members have kept them from seeing their grandchildren, for instance, they start to focus on the simple fact that they miss the grandchildren. They may admit that they want to see them, and at their own house instead of at the home of another family member. When the conversation changes from blaming others for the situation to expressing a wish for something positive, like more time with the family members, it's safe to give a little push—encouragement that says, “I am giving you my help, love, and support. If you really want to change, then now is the time.” It can be as simple as asking, “What can we do to help you get your life back?” The hoarder has to decide what that action is.

Candace, the former advertising executive we met in Chapter 2, was an exceptional worker who started her cleanup even before her helpers arrived. She talked with me on the phone, and because she was eager to start, we mapped out a plan before I visited the house. She had recently stopped drinking and said that she was ready to channel her energy into something positive.

Candace had boxes and piles of paperwork—mostly bills and other mail. She was willing to start there, sorting through each pile and box one piece of paper at a time, in search of old checks, overdue bills, and other important financial documents.

But Candace's OCD kicked in, and she wanted to make final decisions about every single piece of paper as she went through it all. In the interest of speed, it was a lot more efficient for her to group like items together, then sort through those after the major cleanup was over. So she put all of the bills in one bin, checks in another, family photos in a third, and trash in a fourth. By the time the cleaning crew arrived, three days later, Candace had already gone through ten boxes of paperwork completely on her own. She had four fifty-gallon trash bags of old mail to shred.

Brad and Ellen were also able to do a lot of the work on their own. I gave them a plan for staying clutter-free, which included a “ten-minute sweep” through the house every night. They focused on that and managed to get the house de-cluttered, and keep it that way.

Many hoarders can work hard all day long and keep working even after the cleaning crew has gone home. Others need supervision, frequent breaks, and take a more passive role in the actual cleanup process. In planning any cleanup it is very important to take into account both the hoarder's ability and his or her willingness to help. The hoarder should have a sense of being in control as much as possible, but that is determined by what he or she is physically and mentally able to do—and how sensitive the team is to the hoarder's needs, wants, and limitations.

How involved can hoarders be, and more important, how involved do they
want
to be? Can they carry boxes and items? Or should they sit quietly and “direct” the cleanup, deciding where things should go while others do the actual moving? Does the hoarder have health issues that may cut the workday short? When does the hoarder's day usually start—early or late? Empathetic team members will work with hoarders to build a plan that they feel good about.

I expect the hoarders I work with to give me 100 percent effort. Their 100 percent may not produce as much output as mine, but I want to know they are giving me everything they have. Sometimes a hoarder is so physically unwell or emotionally stressed or completely passive that he or she can only sit in a chair and say yes or no—and that's fine, as long as the hoarder is not showing signs of passive-aggression or simple resignation, which could result in some serious backsliding down the line.

In my experience, I have often found that hoarders who are argumentative or bossy—some might called it spirited—work hard once they've bought into the concept. But if a hoarder is particularly stressed or anxious, the cleanup may go more slowly, and the hoarder needs to stop frequently in order to get himself under control. This kind of development requires continuing patience and support.

During Roger's cleanup, his sister Kathy was always careful to say “we” when she was setting timeline goals and expectations. That way if the goals weren't met, she could say, “
We
failed,” and share the responsibility with Roger. Hoarders have had so much failure in life already that they tend to easily assume more.

She was also quick to praise Roger, not the team, every time he took a step closer to the goals. Roger was certainly aware of his failures; he had been hearing about them his entire adult life. Kathy emphasized his accomplishments and abilities, and didn't dwell on his failings. She became his coach, and encouraged Roger to see himself as a strong person who had the power to change his life.

From the earliest planning stages, hoarders should feel like they are equals in the process, because that establishes mutual respect. It also confirms a shared responsibility for the whole process. Hoarders who feel equal to the cleanup crew know that there are expectations for them, and they are a lot more likely to meet them when treated with respect instead of contempt or sarcasm.

The cleanup person's job is to equalize the relationship through both words and actions. My crew shares stories of our own flaws and mistakes. When I tell stories about how my gambling got me into deep trouble, I follow that up by telling the hoarder that I know what it feels like to need help. I say that I'm there to offer support, not judgment.

We back that up with our actions. The house may be the hoarder's mess, but equality means that everyone—hoarder and crew—steps up and takes on the responsibility for the cleanup. It's one thing for cleaning helpers to
say
that they won't be judgmental, but it's much stronger to reinforce that by standing next to a hoarder and helping empty a refrigerator full of rotting food.

Working side by side with a hoarder, without judgment, is like a continuation of the dialogue. It shows the hoarder that he or she has value and something worthwhile to offer to others.

At the start of every job, my crew and I thank the client/ hoarder for letting us help. This may sound odd, but we feel that it is important to acknowledge that the hoarder has made a choice to let strangers into his or her home, and that important decision initiates an entire change process.

For years hoarders have been told (or perceive that they have been told) that they are losers, slobs, messy, and out of control. They need to take control back in order to gain self-worth. Late-stage hoarders in particular have usually hit a point in life where they've failed at a lot of things. They've spent years beating themselves up. They've lost control of their house, of their possessions, of their relationships, and sometimes their jobs, diets, even personal hygiene. A cleanup is usually their first opportunity in years to impose control on their world, and to prove that they can be winners.

By having a sense of control over the cleanup, a hoarder earns back self-respect. Suddenly the hoarder has a team of supportive people in the house, listening to what the hoarder says. Instead of someone badgering the hoarder to throw items away, and complaining about the mess, people are handling things with care and asking where to put them.

Positive reinforcement throughout the process underscores the idea of the hoarder taking control. Hoarders aren't used to it, and it may take a while before they begin to hear and internalize compliments. But they need to feel confident, positive, and in control in order to maintain a clutter-free house.