The Secret Wife (18 page)

She flinched as if he’d slapped her. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” He glared at her. “Can you honestly tell me you didn’t hate making love with me?”

“Yes,” she said earnestly. “Hate is the wrong word. I was scared and confused. Sometimes you frightened me. I wanted to take things at a slower pace. I wanted to figure out what was going on and not have to worry about losing control.”

Defeat tasted bitter. Elissa didn’t want him and he hadn’t been able to find it in himself to want anyone else. “We haven’t made love in five years,” he said. “It doesn’t get much slower than that. As for not wanting to lose control, you’ve got it all wrong. Losing control is the point.”

Elissa watched him go. It took her a moment to figure out he looked odd because she was watching him through a film of tears. She brushed at her eyes, refusing to give in to that particular weakness.

Everything had gone wrong, she thought grimly. For a moment she’d thought she’d gotten through to him. Then she’d messed everything up.

Old feelings of inadequacy flared up, leaving her feeling small and stupid. What was wrong with her? Why was she incapable of getting even one thing right? She loved Cole and she wanted him back. So the first thing she did was alienate him.

She returned to the sofa and sank onto the cushions. The kissing had been incredible. She’d felt things she’d never experienced before. Her body had glowed as if touched by fire. She’d wanted his hands everywhere. Yet when he’d touched her breasts, she’d reacted badly. Why? He’d never mistreated her or hurt her. Sometimes lovemaking had been uncomfortable, not truly painful. What was she so afraid of?

She closed her eyes and remembered the past. Remembered being with Cole in bed. Her face flushed as she recalled his intensity. Despite the dark, she could feel how he focused on her. The sensation of inadequacy returned. She’d never known what to do and always felt that every move was wrong. She hadn’t liked being naked. How much time did he spend analyzing her physical flaws? Cole had wanted her to touch him, but that had been difficult, too. Touch him where? How? What if she did it wrong? What if she disgusted him? In the end it had been easier to turn away.

“You’re a fool,” Elissa said, covering her face with her hands.

How could she fix what she was doing wrong when she wasn’t even sure what the problem was? She loved him, but she’d loved him before and it hadn’t been enough.

She raised her head and frowned. Last time, love had fought with fear and the fear had won. This time she was determined to change the outcome. She might not know much about sex, but she knew enough to know that Cole had wanted her and for a while she’d wanted him back. What she had to do was figure out a way to capitalize on the desire and keep her fear in check. She was going to have to find a way to get back in his bed. Once there, she would have a fighting chance of finding her way back into his heart.

Chapter Eleven

F
or the third time in as many hours, Cole left his bed, crossed to the open window and stared out into the darkness. The storm had passed, leaving behind cool air and bright stars. He gazed at the heavens as if God would provide him with answers.

He shook his head. No point in praying for miracles at this point. His life, along with his marriage, was long past saving. Now he would have to learn how to endure without her. He would have to find a way to exorcise Elissa from his being and exist in a gray and hollow world. How hard could it be? He’d managed the task five years ago. By now he should be an expert.

Perhaps those lessons would return to him in time, but for now there was only the hurt and the shame.

You frightened me.

His hands clenched into fists. He who had only wanted to love her and please her had instead invoked fear. He was a monster. The worst kind of man—one who terrifies women.

Self-hatred swept through him as powerfully as the passion had just a few hours before. He tasted the acrid flavor, wondered how long it would be until he could look himself in the eye.

What had gone wrong? Had he been so eager to have her in his bed that he’d misread the signals? He felt like some emotionally deformed creature who should be locked away from polite society, left alone to pay the price for crimes, both imagined and real.

A logical part of his brain reminded him that he hadn’t done anything wrong. Elissa had kissed him back. She’d touched him and had encouraged him to touch her. At no time had he forced her. When he’d put his hands on her breasts and she’d wanted him to stop, he had. He’d behaved like a gentleman.

The logic should have worked. In his head he believed the words. But in his gut he knew they were false. If his wife, if the woman who had sworn before God to love and honor him for the rest of their lives, found him so abhorrent, he must be a monster.

He closed his eyes against the beauty of the stars and remembered a night long ago. Their wedding night, when Elissa had walked into the bedroom in a beautiful, sheer white gown. She’d looked as pure as the virgin she was, as otherworldly as an angel. Yet glimpses of her barely concealed flesh had reminded him she was very much a woman.

She’d been exhausted from the preparations for the wedding and the day itself. At the time he’d thought about telling her they could wait, but when she came and stood before him, rational thought had fled.

He remembered taking her in his arms and kissing her. She’d kissed him back, but not with her usual passion. Still, when he’d hesitated, she’d urged him on. It was their wedding night. It was right that they make love.

Even now he could remember the exquisite pleasure of entering her. How perfect she’d been, how tight. He recalled the barrier of her innocence, her slight cry of pain when he’d broken it, her tears and her blood.

Now he realized he should have waited until the next morning. He should simply have held her all night, letting her get accustomed to their newfound intimacy. When they were both rested, he should have kissed her until she was mindless with passion, then he should have pleased her in other ways before entering her.

But he hadn’t. That one night had set the pattern for the rest of their marriage. A marriage where Elissa “offered” and he took. No matter how he tried to give back, she refused to let him please her. The more she withdrew from him, the more desperately he needed her, until they were caught in a cycle that had only one escape.

He leaned against the windowsill. Nothing had changed. He would be a fool to let himself think it had. All he could do now was make sure he didn’t repeat the same mistakes he had tonight. He would avoid her both physically and emotionally. He would distance himself until she was gone, then once again he would learn to live without her.

At least he’d protected himself in one area. This time he’d managed to keep from falling in love with her again.

* * *

Saturday morning Elissa and Millie lingered over breakfast. “We should really start our day,” the older woman said cheerfully, but made no move to leave the table.

“Agreed.” Elissa’s response wasn’t quite as perky, but then she wasn’t glowing the same way Millie was. Obviously her friend had enjoyed the night in her husband’s arms. Her eyes were bright, her expression a combination of contentment and self-satisfaction.

“Or we could have another cup of coffee.”

“That sounds great.”

Millie chuckled and reached for the pot. They were the last two people in the dining room. The children had eaten quickly, then rushed out to begin their last full day of the program. The adults had followed more slowly.

Millie looked around at the groupings of tables. “This is a wonderful facility. The children have enjoyed their time here. As no one else is going to know to say it, I will. Thank you for paying for this.”

Elissa shrugged. “I’m happy to do it. I get so much pleasure out of watching them here, I almost feel selfish. I’m really giving them things because it makes me feel good.”

“That’s a fine reason to be charitable. Most of us do find joy in helping others.”

Elissa sipped her coffee, then cupped her hands around the mug. “I didn’t expect to,” she confessed. “The joke in my family is that my sisters and I are like the three bears. One too hard, one too soft and one just right. When the money we’d earned from the show was first put in trust, I was terrified. My parents were divorced and my mother was already thinking of remarrying. My father lived an extravagant life-style that eventually killed him. He’d always said I was his favorite, the one most like him, and I knew when I inherited the money I was going to die, too.” She looked at Millie. “Pretty silly, huh?”

The older woman leaned forward and touched Elissa’s arm. “No, it’s not. It’s very sad. From what you’ve said about your mother, you were never close to her. So you never discussed your fears with her, did you?”

Elissa shook her head.

Millie’s blue eyes darkened with compassion. She made a tsk of concern. “Then your reaction is perfectly understandable. How old were you? Thirteen, fourteen?”

“About that.”

“Cause and effect make sense to children. They don’t always understand that life is more complex than that.”

“Thank you,” Elissa said, grasping Millie’s hand and squeezing. “My sisters have teased me about my fear of money, and I’ve outgrown most of it, but no one has ever made me feel my reaction was normal.”

“You forget I have four children of my own. I’m an expert.” Millie smiled. “So you’re not as terrified as you were?”

“Not at all. Originally, I thought when I inherited the money I would simply give it all away. Fallon is the ‘just right’ sister and she had a sensible plan. Keep some, use some to travel, give some to charity. Kayla wanted to live it up until the money ran out. She’s come to her senses, too. So while I plan to help the orphanage, I’m also investing a portion of the money.”

Millie leaned close and lowered her voice. “Why do you keep it a secret from Cole?”

“For a lot of reasons. I didn’t tell him when we were dating because I thought he’d resent it. Then after we were married, I felt guilty for keeping the information to myself. I never found a good time to tell him. Now I’m afraid if he knows he’ll keep me around for what I can give the children, instead of keeping me around because I can make a difference with what I do and who I am. Or he’ll hate me for being ‘Lady Bountiful’ and toss me out on my butt.”

Of course, after last night she would be lucky to last the week. No doubt he would fire her as soon as they returned to the orphanage.

Elissa nearly groaned in frustration. She’d so wanted things to go right. If only…

She shook her head. She was finished with if onlys. Now was the time for action. Just as soon as she figured out what that action was supposed to be, she was going to do it.

Millie released Elissa’s hand and leaned back in her chair. “It’s really none of my business, and you must feel free to tell me so if the question makes you uncomfortable, but is there any chance of a reconciliation?”

Elissa resisted the urge to bury her face in her hands. Instead she offered her friend a shaky smile. “You don’t know how much I wish I could tell you yes, but I don’t think so. I was never a very good wife, and time away from Cole hasn’t seemed to have improved my skills.” She stared into her mug of coffee. “I still love him, but that’s not enough. It never has been. No matter how I try not to, I continue to fail him.”

“I don’t understand, Elissa. Fail him how?”

“I, um…” She could feel a blush climbing her cheeks. If this were anyone but Millie, she wouldn’t be having the conversation at all. But Millie could be trusted. Even more, Millie had years of experience, not to mention four children, three of whom were married. No doubt the older woman had some excellent advice to give. Elissa knew she had to do something. If she didn’t figure out a way to change, she and Cole were destined to keep repeating the mistakes of the past.

“Is there another man?” Millie asked quietly.

Elissa jerked her head up and stared. “Of course not. There never has been.” She laughed low in her throat. “No, having an affair isn’t the problem. Quite the opposite. You see, I can’t figure out how to please my husband in bed.”

The words hung between them. Much to her credit, Millie’s only reaction was to sip her coffee.

“Please him how?” Millie asked after a moment. “Cole is a very passionate man. I’ve caught him looking at you a time or two, which is what promoted my question about a reconciliation. I know he still feels desire for you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Elissa shook her head. “It’s not that,” she whispered miserably. “I don’t know what to do. I never knew what to do. I was a virgin, and while the kissing part had been nice, I never cared for the rest of it.” Her face was on fire, her voice trembling, but she forced herself to continue. “He always wanted me to participate, to initiate lovemaking and to touch him. I never knew what to do. So it was easier to let him just do it and get it over with. Sometimes it was easier to turn away.”

“And now?” Millie prompted.

Elissa traced small circles on the Formica table. “Now I want things to be different. But I’m still afraid. Last night we were kissing and everything was great. Then he touched me and I sort of froze. Before I could relax, he reacted to the rejection and said a lot of horrible things. I tried to explain, but how can I when I don’t understand it myself?”

“Elissa, it’s so easy. I promise you can make this work, but first I have a couple of questions.”

“All right.”

“Do you want Cole back in your bed?”

“Yes. Though I’m not sure what to do with him when I get him there.”

Millie smiled. “We’ll figure that one out later. My second question is do you find Cole physically appealing? Can you close your eyes and imagine yourself being with him, both of you naked and touching? Does that picture bring you pleasure or make you uncomfortable?”

Talking about it made Elissa want to squirm, but she dutifully closed her eyes. She remembered kissing him last night, how her body had tingled and heated until she ached with an unfamiliar need. She remembered straddling his thighs and wanting to press her center against him, rubbing back and forth. It wasn’t difficult to shift those memories, changing the images until they were both naked.