The Seventh Miss Hatfield (21 page)

When I arrived at the old gentleman’s door, it was closed but not completely shut. This meant I couldn’t see everyone who was in there with Mr Beauford and Henley, but I could hear much of what was said without intruding too much on their privacy.

‘What were you thinking, overdoing it like that? You know you can’t do everything you once were able to do.’

‘Son, I’m dying.’ I winced at Mr Beauford’s raspy voice and the bluntness of his words. ‘I’m dying. I know it.’ He paused, trying to catch his breath. ‘Henley, send for the chaplain again.’

‘Hold on, Father, the physician should be here within the hour.’

‘No.’ Mr Beauford’s voice was suddenly surprisingly strong. ‘My chaplain,’ he demanded. ‘A physician can’t help me now.’ He wheezed out a breath and said more softly, ‘All I can do now is prepare to meet my creator.’

‘Wilchester’s already driven the automobile into town to bring the physician back here,’ Henley said, talking over his father as if he couldn’t hear what he said. His voice was low and calm to reassure him, but I could hear just the trace of a quaver in it.

I felt torn; part of me wanted to rush in to be at their side, but I knew that wasn’t my place. It was mainly Henley I wanted to comfort, but, in a strange way, I did care about Mr Beauford, too. I certainly didn’t want him to die, not while Henley still appeared to need his support so much.

I heard Eloise’s voice say soothingly, ‘Now, now, Mr B, you need some chicken broth to keep your strength up. I’ll go and fetch a nice cup of that for you, and you must drink a lot of water, too.’ She clucked her tongue on her way towards the door, as though she knew her advice was likely to be ignored. I quickly stepped aside to stand more within the hallway so as not to appear to be eavesdropping.

‘Miss.’ Eloise nodded as she passed me and headed towards the kitchen. I nodded back at her, then followed her to see if I could locate Nellie or young Hannah. Neither of them was to be found, so I asked Eloise if she knew their whereabouts.

‘No, mum, I don’t, to be sure,’ she replied. ‘But I have a feeling that perhaps Miss Christine has enlisted their services in some way. If I had to guess, that is,’ she added as she began preparing Mr Beauford’s chicken broth.

‘Thank you, Eloise,’ I said as I hurried out of the kitchen, unsure where to go next. Eliza! I thought, and headed towards her room. I knew she’d have heard the commotion and would probably be worried. I knocked lightly and said her name, and she called out for me to enter.

I went in and sat down by her side and quickly brought her up to speed regarding Mr Beauford’s health. Once I’d told her what little I’d been able to deduce, I added, ‘I’m afraid he’s taken a turn for the worse, Eliza. He’s asked for his chaplain and the doctor’s on his way. I knew you’d be wondering what the hubbub was all about.’

‘Thank you for coming to tell me, Rebecca, but I guessed what was going on. I’ve been up here saying prayers for Mr Beauford ever since I heard the first steps running down the hallway.’ Her face was radiant, as though her prayers had pulled some Divine Illumination down from the heavens and filled her up. I stood to leave, but she called out to me. ‘You should know that Christine can’t bear to be around people who are ill. When I had scarlet fever, our parents shipped her away to stay with relatives because she gets so upset whenever anyone’s sick. I think she may have taken one or two of the servants with her and headed out in the carriage. I’m sure I heard it leave, and I don’t know who else might have taken it. I don’t know where she might have gone, but I’d suspect to a rooming house in the local town somewhere. She’s quite a coward.’ She almost smirked.

I realized that not only did Eliza pity her sister in some ways, she was also repulsed by her in others. ‘Thank you for telling me that, Eliza – I’ll let the others know where she’s likely to have gone, just so they don’t worry about her.’

‘Oh, people would be wasting their time worrying about her,’ she muttered. ‘She always lands on her feet.’ Then she looked right at me and raised the volume of her voice to make sure I heard every word that followed. ‘I’ve only told you this so you can comfort Henley in her absence. I know she’s kept the two of you apart. I can’t see how he looks at you, but I can feel it and hear it in his voice when he talks to you. He needs support now more than ever, and she runs away. Truly a coward,’ she added with disgust.

‘Thanks, Eliza,’ I called over my shoulder as I headed out, running nearly headlong into Henley, who was obviously looking for me.

‘There you are,’ he said, and without thinking, we embraced.

‘I’m so sorry, Henley,’ I said. ‘I know your father’s ill—’

‘Yes, I assumed you did. Would you like to take a walk with me? I could use some fresh air.’ He stepped back, but I could tell he was a bit calmer after having connected with me.

‘Of course – just let me grab my cloak, as it’s nearly sundown.’ I darted into my room, snatched up my cloak and closed the door behind me as I exited. ‘Let’s go.’

As we walked, Henley’s demeanour grew noticeably more peaceful. I thought he would want to speak about his father’s condition, but he was more focused on convincing me how much he’d missed me the past few days. I didn’t want to hear this; I was still determined to make my getaway that evening, and becoming all worked up emotionally was not going to make that any easier. The sensation in my stomach pulsed and throbbed, making me feel unnatural and strange. I knew I couldn’t delay much longer.

‘Henley, please, can we simply talk about your father? This isn’t easy for me, and I know it’s hard for you on so many levels. I must leave tonight, my friend.’ I looked up into his eyes. ‘I have it all planned out. You’d be proud of me, putting it all together on my own—’

I was startled to see his knees buckle beneath him as he fell to the ground, holding his head in his hands and openly sobbing. I immediately sat down beside him, putting my arms around him and rocking him like a small child. ‘There, there,’ I said, ‘shh, shh, now, it’s going to be all right.’

He was sobbing less, but still finding it hard to catch his breath as we rocked slowly back and forth. ‘I … I simply couldn’t bear it if you left tonight, Rebecca. That would be the cruellest blow of all. Not tonight, I beg you.’ His soft sobs began again, and I couldn’t stand to think of hurting him any more, not with his father’s death so imminent. He must have been taken more severely ill than I’d guessed.

‘Of course I won’t leave you now,’ I consoled him. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. Very, very selfish of me. I cooked up the scheme earlier, before your father fell ill. I was just determined to carry it out tonight, no matter what. I’m so sorry. I give you my word that I’ll not leave until you feel stronger.’ I wasn’t sure how long I could last before I absolutely had to go, but surely I could withstand the pain for one more night, at least.

Henley’s sobs had stopped and he sat up. I pulled out my handkerchief from my sleeve and dabbed at his tear-stained face. He grabbed my hand, and before I knew it, we were kissing passionately, seated right there on the ground. I wanted to stop, but I wanted to continue more. I’d never been kissed like this before, so I didn’t have anything to compare it to. It was as if the kiss itself was made of fire and it burned right through to my very core. For that moment in time, there was no one and nothing but me and my beloved Henley. Inexperienced as I was in matters of the heart, something told me this kiss was extraordinary, and that was why I had to pull away.

I was totally lost in the moment, lost in my love for him, but still aware I mustn’t make any promises I knew I couldn’t keep, and this kiss was one of them. Something within me snapped and I realized I had to stop him – stop us – from making a grievous error. I pulled away, disengaging myself from his arms. It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, reaching to pull me back to him. ‘Oh, my sweetheart, my dearest – I’m mad about you. I love you, Rebecca, and I know you love me. I’ve never been kissed that way before. And I never want to be kissed by anyone other than you ever again.’

I knew I loved him, too – in fact my body fairly ached for him; but things had already progressed much further into the danger zone than I’d ever wished or intended to allow. I got up and held out both hands towards him, keeping him at arm’s length.

‘We must stop, Henley. This is getting out of control,’ I warned.

Standing and moving closer to me once again, he smiled his devilish grin. ‘That’s how I want it – don’t you, Rebecca? We’ve had to be in control so much of our lives. Let’s say hang it all and just do what we want, and everyone else be damned.’ His eyes were flashing with excitement, and I knew I could give in to his wishes all too easily unless I put some distance between us, and quickly. He began to come closer and I felt my knees go weak, but my elbows somehow got the springs back in them and pushed him away, hard. I decided if he believed I was angry, he’d respect my wishes.

‘Stop it now!’ I commanded and pushed him again, this time so hard that he lost his balance and sat down on the ground. He was obviously shocked.

‘Rebecca, love, how have I offended you?’ he asked, hanging his head in shame. ‘I’ve hurt you, and I’m–I’m so sorry.’

‘You’re going to marry Christine! Isn’t that your intention? She’s gorgeous, wealthy, your father approves … That’s who you’re betrothed to, and that’s who you shall marry. You’ll always belong to her.’ I hoped my angry act had fooled him. He did look bewildered at first, but then he burst into laughter.

‘You think Christine’s perfect? Her head is full of nothing but air; she drives me insane with the continual drivel that spouts from that so-called perfect rouged mouth of hers. She babbles incessantly and I detest that. I no more intend to marry her than I would marry Wilchester!’ he declared. ‘I’ve just been placating Father, to make him happy. But I assure you, there’s no way I shall ever walk down the aisle with that creature who you appear to think is the epitome of perfection.’

While he was talking, I started walking back towards the house, knowing he wouldn’t dare show physical affection to me once we were within sight of the servants. ‘Well, that’s all well and good for you to say now,’ I threw back over my shoulder, ‘but you and I don’t belong together, no matter what. It simply can never be.’

At that, he ran around and blocked my progress, making eye contact with me but this time respectfully keeping his hands to himself. ‘You can’t fool me, Rebecca,’ he said softly. ‘I meant it when I told you I’ve never been kissed like that before. I felt it surging from the tips of my toes, all the way up my body until my hair felt like it was standing on end. And I know you felt it, too. It’s impossible you couldn’t have. I don’t love Christine. Even if I’d never met you, that would still be God’s honest truth. But from the first moment I laid eyes upon you, my darling, darling Rebecca, my heart has belonged to no other. How could you not know that?’

I took a deep breath. I was afraid I might start crying and lose my resolve, so I quickly pushed my way around him and began running towards the house.

‘Tell me you love me, too, Rebecca. I know you do. Please, please say it …’ Standing helplessly on the path some thirty yards from the house, he called after me desperately. I ran up the stairs to the porch, shaking my head and sobbing angry tears, determined not to stop until I’d reached the relative safety of my bedroom and locked the door; feeling ashamed that I’d broken my promise to myself never to let our relationship get to this point, and terrified at what I’d have to do next.

The following morning, I took my breakfast in my room. Nellie, who had at least temporarily escaped from Christine’s demands, brought me my tray when I told her I was ill and didn’t want to intrude upon everyone else. I don’t know whether she believed that or not, but I didn’t really care. I wasn’t ready to see Henley yet, and didn’t know if I ever would be. The only time I ventured out was to go down the hallway to Eliza’s room, just to let her know I hadn’t abandoned her. She asked about Henley, but I found ways to change the subject pretty quickly, only commenting that I’d heard Mr Beauford was holding his own. Nellie had told me that, since Mr Beauford had taken a turn for the worst last night, Father Gabriel barely left his side. She said the family physician floated in and out of the old man’s room several times a day, usually shaking his head from side to side as though he didn’t know what else he could do, and that Mr Beauford might depart at any moment.

‘Then I shall continue to pray for him, I swear,’ Eliza said, ‘and for Henley, of course. I pray for you, too, Rebecca,’ she said softly, ‘even though I don’t think you believe in the power of prayer. Or maybe even in God.’ She paused. ‘I’ve come to love you as a sister, Rebecca, and God loves you, too, more than you know. You’ve brought me much comfort, and I’ll be forever grateful for having met you. I’ll see you in heaven someday, I know it. It doesn’t matter whether you believe or not, you see,’ she added. ‘God loves you either way.’ Then she fell silent, and I could see her lips moving in inaudible prayer. I left her room quietly.

If she only knew that I was the one thing God didn’t intend to create. I was coming to believe that my very existence went against nature itself, and for that I knew I would not be welcome anywhere.

I had no sooner returned to my room when I heard a gentle knock at the door. It was Henley. His voice held such a tone of entreaty that I couldn’t help but lean against the inside of the door as I imagined he was leaning up against the outside. ‘Rebecca, please. Rebecca, won’t you please come out? I need you. I promise not to touch you. Please? Father has asked to see me, and the doctor says it’s most urgent. I must go to him now, and I’d like to have you by my side.’ His voice caught in his throat. ‘If I ask nothing of you ever again, would you please come downstairs with me now?’

How could I not open the door after that? I took a deep breath and very slowly looked outside. He looked dishevelled in a way I’d never expected to see my handsome Henley. He had what Cynthia’s father used to call a dark five o’clock shadow, and I knew he hadn’t shaved for at least two days. His clothes were all rumpled, and I could swear he must have slept in them. I didn’t care. He was still my Henley, and he needed me. I reached up and smoothed down his hair a bit.

‘We can’t have you going in to see your father looking this rough.’ I clucked my tongue. ‘I’ll go with you, yes, of course.’ And though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t say it to him, I knew it was the only thing that would give him the strength to go and see his father upon his deathbed. I took a deep breath and said, ‘And yes, Henley, you’re right.’

He looked at me with a puzzled expression. ‘Right about what?’

‘That I love you, Henley,’ I said very softly. ‘But we must away to your father now. We’ll talk about that later.’ I took his hand, more like a playmate than a lover. ‘Come along, now.’

We descended the stairs like that. There was no passion flying between us as there had been the last time we were together, only the familiar comfort of being in the company of a good friend, as it had been at the beginning of our acquaintance.

When we arrived at Mr Beauford’s door, Henley motioned that I should come inside. I’d have preferred to stay in the hallway, but his eyes implored me. I sat upon a small chair close to the door where Henley could see me, but Mr Beauford would be unaware of my presence. Father Gabriel gave Henley a nod in my direction, as if to question why I was in the room, but Henley merely held a finger to his lips to tell him not to let his father know I was present. Father Gabriel nodded to me as he left the room, so now it was only Henley and his father, with me watching from a distance.

‘Henley, my dear boy,’ Mr Beauford began in a quaking voice.

‘I’m here, Father,’ Henley said, taking his father’s trembling hand.

‘Please sit down, son,’ the old man continued. ‘There are things you must know before I die. Things I’ve withheld from you for far too long.’

Henley’s face creased with concern as he pulled a chair close to his father’s bedside.

Mr Beauford looked up at the ceiling, as though he could see someone floating up above him. He nodded to the invisible figure and said quietly, ‘Yes, I know. I’ll tell him now, my dear.’ Then he turned back to Henley and began. ‘Henley, first I must tell you that I’m not your natural father. Not your biological father. I’ve raised you and loved you as my own, but your mother became pregnant with you by her husband, your real father.’

Henley’s world was visibly rocked and he pulled back from his father in disbelief. We both hung on every word Mr Beauford uttered next.

‘I loved your mother with all my heart, more than I can possibly tell you. I proposed to her, but she accepted the affections of another. Heartbroken, I vowed never to love again. We lived in the same town, and one rainy night she appeared on my doorstep with a tiny baby – you, Henley – wrapped in many blankets. I quickly ushered you both inside and brought you to sit by the fire. Your mother told me that your father, who had joined the Navy, had lost his life at sea when his boat was caught in a terrible storm.’ Mr Beauford paused to take a drink of water from the glass on his nightstand. Henley was in such a state of shock that he couldn’t even hand him the glass, but watched as though he was hearing an awful tale about someone else’s life. I knew in a strange way how he must be feeling, since I too was now living the life of another.

Mr Beauford took a shallow breath and continued his halting story. ‘Your mother wanted me to take you in and raise you as my own child, saying she couldn’t stay. I told her that she wasn’t in the right mind to make such a momentous decision, not so soon after receiving the news of her husband’s death. I begged her to stay the night at least, so we could talk in the morning. Your mother struggled, but soon agreed when I swore on my life that I would raise you as my own.’ He looked up at the ceiling again, as if to let whoever he’d spoken with just before know he’d be joining them very shortly. ‘When morning came she was gone, leaving you behind. She’d written me a note, asking me to keep true to my promise if I’d ever loved her. I sent the police looking for her – I didn’t know what she was going to do and I was scared at the possibilities, but they never found her. She was presumed dead, although they never found a body. They thought it might have been suicide, but that’s not Ruth. Not her. But you see, Henley, I’d promised your mother that I would take care of you for the rest of your life. I said I’d make sure you didn’t go without anything, but I know I haven’t provided the emotional support you needed. I know that now, son.’

Henley visibly jerked back upon hearing the word ‘son’, as though it was a dagger in his heart. He hadn’t said a word this entire time, and I knew he’d forgotten I was witnessing the whole thing as well. Now he only asked one simple question. ‘What was my real father’s name?’

‘Benton,’ answered Mr Beauford. ‘Your parents were George and Ruth Benton.’ He paused for a moment, because his voice was growing steadily weaker and softer. ‘I have to tell you, Henley, that though I’ve done my best to provide everything you’ve needed in the way of food, clothes, shelter and education, when Ruth … went away, I became obsessed with finding the secret to escaping death, so that I could keep on looking for her. I know she’s still alive, still looks exactly the same as she did that first night I met you. It’s as if she’s managed to stop time. And I know your mother’s waiting for me – I’ve seen her. I’ve seen her right there!’ Mr Beauford feebly pointed towards the window, but Henley didn’t even glance in that direction.

Henley’s lips turned pale as he saw Mr Beauford get riled up, but the old man was blind to everything but the vision only he could see. He continued as Henley shut his eyes.

‘Ruth’s waiting for me. I just had to beat death. That was all I had to do.’ Mr Beauford’s hands started to shake as they clasped each other, as if hoping to find comfort. ‘Son, I’m dying. And only now do I realize I’ve wasted my entire life in the pursuit of this folly.’ I saw Henley cringe again at the word ‘son’. ‘All I want is your forgiveness. I should have been focusing my attention on you, since you were the only part of Ruth that remained here on this earth. You, my son—’

Henley angrily jumped to his feet. ‘I am not your son! You … you old hypocrite!’ he screamed. Mr Beauford shook his head as if he didn’t understand the words Henley was using. ‘You’re nothing but a liar. You just use everyone around you … If you see my mother in the afterlife, tell her she should be happy that she left when she did.’ He stormed out of the room, not even seeing me. The force of his anger nearly pushed me off my chair in his wake.

‘Son – Henley!’

I glanced back to see Mr Beauford sink into his pillows. Buried in a mound of comforters, he looked like a small child; vulnerable and afraid of something he didn’t know and couldn’t understand. I shut my eyes, trying to rid myself of that image. So this was death.