The Sex Education of M.E. (27 page)

“She’s getting examined by another doctor.” His voice was cold; his eyes suddenly distant.

“What will happen?”

“What do you mean, what will happen?”

“She was drinking and driving. She endangered the life of a minor. She…”

“Endangered the life of a minor might be a bit strong.” Merek’s eyes narrowed on me. I hadn’t witnessed this side of him before.

“Mitzi is barely eighteen.” My defensive mama-bear claws were about to scratch.

“And she made the decision to go with Cassie.” Merek stared at me, his expression incredulous. He had a point; I just couldn’t see it clearly.

“Who should not have been taking her anywhere on a school night,” I retorted.

“Cassie did not intentionally harm Mitzi.” His tone changed. He practically growled.

“I didn’t say she did it on purpose, but she’s twenty-one, and Mitzi is not. She’s a college student and Mitzi is not. She shouldn’t have been drinking and driving.”

“You don’t think I know these things?” he snapped.

“I do. I just...” The words struggled to be released.

“You just what, Emme? Say it.” His voice rose and I looked around me to see if people were watching us. I don’t know what I intended to say. I just didn’t want this to be happening to my daughter, that’s all. And for that fact, I didn’t want it to be happening to his. Our girls were each hurting and arguing with each other wasn’t going to stop their pain.

“I wasn’t going to say anything else,” I replied, lowering my tone and my eyes.

“But you want to, don’t you? You want to tell me I’m a bad father. You want to say that if I had been home, this wouldn’t have happened? Well, if I recall, you were with me,” he barked. If we hadn’t been at the apartment, fulfilling my fantasies of sex, he would have been home, and so would I. Would it have stopped the accident from happening? Maybe. Could it have happened at any other time? Quite possibly. I wasn’t thinking clearly, though. I couldn’t focus on the what-ifs or could-haves because the fact was, it had happened.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare say that to me. If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else.” My lips clamped shut. Funny thing about words. Once they are out there, you can’t take them back. A million sorrys and a thousand apologies do not reverse those things once released. I knew this to be true from all the little things Nate had said, and didn’t say, over our twenty years together. You cannot take words back.

“I think it’s best if we each deal with our own child tonight.” He turned away from me.

“Me too,” I agreed, even though I disagreed. Merek had come to mean a great deal to me, and while I was mad at the result of the accident, I wanted his support. I was upset that my daughter had been in an accident. I wanted someone to hold me, tell me she would be okay, and I wanted it to be him. Biting my tongue, literally, I spun away from him and returned to Mitzi’s curtain. It was only then that it hit me, he never asked about Mitzi. My head shook in disappointment. Maybe I was wrong about Merek, after all. Maybe it was just sex.

“I think children are a hard limit for me,” I said to Gia three nights later, as she sat on my back deck in the cool, fall evening. Mitzi returned to school for half a day and she was exhausted. I was paranoid as the reality of the accident hit me. She could have died. I could have lost another family member and I would have never forgiven myself for not being home. My guilt cup ran over, flooded the floor, and drained me.

“Honey, this could have happened at any time. You could have been home, and she could have said they were going to the mall, and then not gone,” Gia chastised, recalling the ways of teenagers. A parent never gets the full truth of where they go.

“I’d just like to think that Mitzi knew better,” I sighed.

“Mitzi knew you wouldn’t like her going out with Cassie, to a college party, on a school night,” Gia looked down the bridge of her nose at me, as if she wore glasses. “She’s not stupid. She’s responsible. But she’s also young and foolish and things happen.”

“Well, this could have cost her life,” I admonished.

“It could have, but it didn’t,” Gia said, looking away from me. “How long are you going to hold it against her? And him for that fact?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, spinning to face her direction.

“You haven’t returned his calls, have you?” Gia questioned.

“I hate that you know every move he makes.”

“I don’t know if he is or isn’t calling you. What I know is you and I bet he is calling, and you aren’t answering.” She gave me her scolding look again. “And that fact that you hate I might know more about him than you, proves you care about him. You’re interested.”

Damn it
. I hated that she was right. Merek had been calling me, and I hadn’t responded to his calls. I was filled with disappointment at his lack of concern for Mitzi, when I had been interested in Cassie. I was disappointed that he hadn’t agreed with my initial assessment: Cassie was in the wrong taking Mitzi to a party and drinking when she was underage. But mostly, I was disappointed in myself that I wanted one more orgasm from a sexy man, and I’d ignored my phone when my child needed me.

I exhaled deeply.

“If I date a man with children, how do I get past the difference in parenting beliefs? Parenting skills? Opinions?”

“You don’t get past them; you accept them for what they are. Differences in opinion and skill.”

“What if I don’t love his children? What if I don’t like them, even? What if they don’t like me?” My voice rose with each question.

“Emme, who cares? Are you dating the child? No. Are you marrying the man?” She paused for effect. “I didn’t think so. You’re dating. You’re trying each other out. Some things you’ll agree on. Some you won’t. You have to decide which ones you can live with and which ones you can’t.”

“Children are a hard limit. I can’t live with ones who will be reckless with my child.” I reached for my glass of wine and gulped the sweet fall taste of the red. I loved the change in season, which meant a change in temperature, clothing choices, and specialty flavors.

“Was Merek reckless with Mitzi?” She paused again. She was right. It wasn’t Merek who caused the accident.

“Let’s back up for a second. What if it wasn’t Cassie? What if it was Kevin, her boyfriend?”

I snorted in doubt.

“Just hear me out,” she continued. “The point is this was an accident. A senseless, risky accident, that could have been worse, but thankfully wasn’t.” She crossed herself. “And it could happen again, but God willing, it won’t. Mitzi is a smart girl. She won’t make the mistake of getting in a car with someone she questions has been drinking twice. She also won’t try to go to a college party on a school night again. Or she might. She’s eighteen, Emme. She’s growing up.”

Gia was right. In every word she sputtered was the truth, but I had trouble shaking my own guilt and the fear of what could have happened. My phone buzzed on the patio table and I quickly reacted by flipping it to glance at the screen. Merek Elliott. I hit ignore.

“Stop ignoring him,” Gia bit, irritated at my hasty action. “I’ve never known you to be like this.”

“Be like what?” I snapped.

“Judgmental. He’s trying to talk to you and you’re shutting him out. Don’t you think he’s hurting, too? His child was in that accident. His child caused it. You want comfort and sympathy for what happened to Mitzi? Maybe he needs it for Cassie. You said he has fears she’ll be like her mother. This is confirmation of his greatest fear, if she’s drinking and driving and acting irresponsible. And he can’t control her any more than you can control Mitzi. They are maturing adults that don’t always have the judgment necessary to make good decisions.”

I stared at my dark-haired friend, who was flirty and fun, and loved life more than anyone I knew.

“How did you get so wise?” I inquired. Her children weren’t as old as mine.

“I remember being young,” she remarked. I stared at her. Had I forgotten? Merek popped into my head; he certainly reminded me what it was like. The copious sex, the subtle attention, and the surprising compatibility was so refreshing, I felt young again. Was I making myself new? Yes, by living my life and taking the risk to be with Merek, but just like sex, this newness took two. Merek had been the key instrument to helping me experience what I wanted to experience in order to be young again. I couldn’t lose him. I didn’t want to let him go.

In front of Gia, I clicked on Merek’s number. My eyes didn’t leave hers as I stared her down and waited for the line to ring through to him.

Five. Six. Seven rings
. I was ready to hang up when a breathy “hello” crossed the line.

“Merek,” I said softly.

“Emme,” he exhaled. The line remained silent after that, as if saying each other’s name in recognition was all we had left to say to one another.

“How’s Mitzi?” he asked, and the simple question chipped away at my hardened heart.

“She’s sore, but doing better. I made her go to school so she doesn’t get too far behind. She’s exhausted. Maybe I pushed her too hard,” I sighed, squinting up at the fading evening light. “How’s Cassie?”

“She’s grounded for life,” he attempted to joke, but I didn’t laugh in response. He choked through the phone. “She’s sorry for what happened.” Silence filled the line again. “I’m sorry, too,” he breathed.

I sighed softly, my shoulders sagging. “Me, too,” I whispered.

“Why are you sorry?” he asked, with a surprised tone.

“I said too much in my anger. In my fear.” I paused and twisted my lips. I didn’t know what else to say. Gia’s eyes weighed on me, and when I gazed sideways at her, her lips tweaked into a small smile.

“Are you home?” he asked.

“Yeah, Gia’s here.”

“Can we come over?”

My eyes shot up to Gia. “Who’s we?”

“Cassie and I. She has something to say. I’d appreciate it, if you’d hear her out.”

My heart thudded in my chest. My eyes still connected with Gia’s as she questioned me, mouthing:
What?

He wants to come over with Cassie
, I mouthed back. Her smile deepened as she sat back in the chair with a thud. She slowly shook her head in disbelief as she stared out into my yard.

“Okay.”

They arrived roughly ten minutes later. Cassie moved with slow, exaggerated steps and the second she saw the black and blue marks on Mitzi, she burst into tears. Reaching out for Mitzi, they hugged like long lost friends. Cassie muttered her apology over and over into Mitzi’s shoulder and Mitzi stroked Cassie’s hair. My heart shattered at the sorrow. I had to believe the accident scared Cassie as much as it frightened Mitzi.

When the girls pulled apart, Cassie glanced at her dad before facing me. Tears still slipped down her face as she took a deep breath.

“I wanted to say how sorry I am for what happened. It was stupid. I should have never been drinking and attempting to drive home. Mitzi was so worried she’d get in trouble and I didn’t want her to be late. I wasn’t thinking.” She gazed over at her dad.

“Please, don’t be mad at my dad,” she started and Merek gasped. “Cassie,” he warned.

“It’s not his fault. It’s mine. I know it. It was my mistake, so please don’t take it out on him.”

“Cassie,” Merek choked.

“I haven’t ever seen him like this. He smiles all the time. He’s always talking about you. He’s…happy. Don’t be mad at him,” she pleaded.

“Cassie,” Merek stammered again then interrupted her plea. “This isn’t why we came here,” he addressed me, his voice full of confusion. We stared at one another. My eyes noticed the dark circles under his and the addition of wrinkles around them. Worry was written on his face and the irritation with Cassie’s outburst etched over his forehead. He rubbed it, shaking his head in frustration. Suddenly, his head snapped upward.

“Cassie wanted to apologize,” he said. “I wanted to see that Mitzi was doing better.”

In all the time they’d been there, I hadn’t said a word. It was as if my mouth couldn’t form a syllable. I didn’t know what to say to either of them.

“I’m feeling better,” Mitzi offered, a tear slipping from her eye. “I’m sore and I’m tired, but I’m doing better,” she said to Cassie and Merek before looking over at me. We still stood just inside my living room, hardly out of the front entrance.

“Cassie’s license has been suspended. She’s enrolling in therapy,” Merek added.

“Dad,” Cassie admonished, her eyes lowering at the mention. Merek’s lids closed in defeat.

“I think it’s very brave of you to face your issues,” I said to Cassie, surprising us all. Merek’s eyes shot open. Cassie’s head popped up. Mitzi’s face softened. “It’s very hard to face our fears, sometimes. It’s even harder to admit we have them,” I said, glancing in the direction of Merek, but afraid to meet his eyes. “Sometimes we just have to plow forward, to work past the past.”

Cassie stared at me, her head slowly nodding. I didn’t know what else to do, but to reach forward and hug her to me. She was stiff at first, arms dangling at her side. I only intended a quick embrace, but when I pulled back, her arms encircled my waist and she held me to her. My hand dropped to rub up and down her back, and I felt the words more than I heard them whispered: “I’m sorry.”