The Shameful State (3 page)

And that half-wit National Outranso who thinks this is all a big joke: I'm educating our people and all you can do is giggle from under Foni Sènso's beret. You must take me for that ex-President Jlanso Zenno who used to throw himself in front of young girls, with joined hands and hernia: you're a mulatto, mulatto girls drive me crazy. With Africa, clenched between their thighs. But let's get back to the subject at hand and let's not forget what a nasty world we live in: men, ah men! Always trying to conquer the world with their tools. But God rules, ah yes, my brothers and dear fellow countrymen, if we can still breathe this evening as we're breathing it's because God is with us. Because, and the evidence is clear, at two o'clock tonight,
you know who
tried to seize power with the help of a dozen or so little mechanics and a handful of demons who work with those god-damn TVs, what bullshit; do you really think, my brothers and dear fellow countrymen that you can seize power with big plans? But in that gang there was also a woman ah! Mother! And by all accounts she's as beautiful as the Queen
of Sheba. And he started fondling his big greasy herniated balls, gently massaging them as we applauded, as our cries made their way to the heavens: Long live Lopez! Long live National Mom! He stroked his hernia in a premeditated fashion, “But before I fully expose them to your anger, my brothers and dear fellow countrymen, children of my loins, let's take stock of the situation: I'm no Gasparde Mansi who got his balls chopped off by some girl because he held sexual audiences in his office, I'm no Oustanno Ludia who killed people as one does a chicken, and I'm certainly no son-of- a-bitch Orenso Gemma whom you made a hero of the nation just because he left behind three hundred and twelve mulatto girls and seventy-five Black ones just like him; I am Lopez, National Mom's son, five years at the helm, now tell me, who have I killed?” We all shouted out: “No one! Long live Lopez, long live National Mom, down with crocodiles.”

He was in full flow by now and these occasions meant a lot to his hernia. The story of my hernia is linked to the history of the fatherland, but don't worry, it's not a sad story. I am the spiritual son of Alberto Sanamatouff . . . and the story lasted until three in the morning and my brothers and dear fellow countrymen you come on back now at eleven tomorrow so we can discuss the fate of the mutinous rebels and agree on appropriate sanctions. In the meantime, my hernia is tired. Before we headed home, we overheard him whisper to brother Carvanso: “I'm thirsty, it's tough being a bachelor,” and Carvanso saying:

“Mr. President, we have to watch out for the media.”

“Ok.”

He left on foot, shadowed by his aide Colonel Vauban, in charge of his personal security detail, and made his way up rue Felicio-Danarassi, avenue Panglos, past the Touré-Diakaté Market, then rue de la Pompe, Oreillidos Alley, and recounted the story of ex-Colonel Vadio who did what he did and no one did a damn thing about it, then the one about ex-National Loujango who got a long way in the science of looking the other way and what was done to him? When he reached the Corbanni-Suaze Bridge, he stood there for ten
minutes watching the water running below: after all, I'm no Alvaro Diosso who for God's sake managed to study for his thirteen diplomas while president. The people are stupid and will remain that way.

“Yes, Mr. President. But the shirt need not fear the hot water.”
¹

His heart filled with shadows, the heart of a prophet, the heart of a father, in the majesty of the human dream, from where you can contemplate our late General Also de Nonso donning his tiger-hunting gear, with full military stripes and plumes, gold tassels, exotic, magical medals heavy as gates, row upon row of military decorations across his chest because my people expect things to be eye-catching; ah Vauban, this is the country for people who are eye-catching. He starts telling Vauban the tragic story of our late brother Grabanizar during the shameful years of the Labinto regime that our people went and made a hero of the fatherland; we live in a nasty country and there ought to be a sign with gold-leaf lettering as you enter the port of Zouhando-Norta:
Nasty country
. That's how it is Vauban, since there are no wars, our infantrymen wreak havoc. Havoc because we're the world center for cowardice, the world capital for shame and sin, because we're the masters of lying and maliciousness Mom. . . . As for Vauban, listening attentively to him, with his pale courage that tried to save the world, you can see how much he loves this land while National Lopez, kaki giant that he is, sporting the nation's drama, the country slung over his shoulder, and that's enough bullshit, up rue Nolavinto, rue Fantar, past the café Les Rate-Bonheurs, over
to the other side of the Place de la Patrie, to the sound of Plazzinni Delaroux's music, you'd think that Delaroux guy was French but he's actually the product of racial mixing: French face, American manners, walks like an Arab, but with a body typical of our region; today, he's performing in the Oulanso-Mondia Gardens, in heavily accented French:

Open your body

To this fear

Of the world

The earth is a public good

But your own turn is now

So make sure you don't miss it

In life

Accomplish your part

In this flesh between heaven and earth

For us the future is now

Sing your nerves and dance your heart

There aren't that many ways

Of being alive

Long live you and so long live me

“My people are so beautiful when they dance to my poems!”

“They are, Mr. President.”

Rue Fortio, rue Amela, rue Fontaine, this city, ah this city, rue Foreman, boulevard ex-Duchaillu. . . . He reaches the banks of the “Rouviera Verta” and God damn it this city's stunning at this time of day! He then starts telling the story of how that pig Oxbanso, on the very day I appointed him Minister of Imports, tried to sleep with National Mom, but I didn't kill him for that. You see Vauban, this is Satan's village, only he whom you love can betray you. . . . His slippers are covered in mud. A dead dog has been abandoned in the middle of the road; doesn't anyone work around here:
he moves the dead dog out of the way. Zamba-Town, a city in the south, even hotter at midnight than at noon, with its muddy swamps, breeding grounds for mosquitoes, where those who've managed to escape the stifling heat of their hut make love out in the open which is why you can hear the darkness groaning panting weeping and coughing. Zamba-Town, its symbolic hand extended out in peace, rue Gaza and the lingering signs of the latest curfew (now lasting sixteen months). And on the opposite bank of Lake Oufa: the Cité-du-Pouvoir, as exquisite as a love dream, oh how beautiful my hernia is, a monument built to them: thirty-five million dollars and now a patrimony of the state, a valued possession for them to enjoy today and in the future when my hernia has passed away. Well done to the nation!

It's still not quite that hour when the loudspeakers left behind by our late Colonel Pouranta Ponto start pouring my speeches into my people's ears; this innovation is hardly new, it was National Laountia's in fact, and Manuelo Sanka kept it up. Entire districts yelling because people have the shameful habit of changing stations when I speak, I ask Colonel Minister of Borders to install loudspeakers in every district, and to make sure they're all functioning properly while my hernia is at work, because it would be utterly shameful for a people not to listen to their president's speeches; make sure they're installed, Carvanso, and blasting so that they can hear me in their shameful wild animal sleep, so that they can hear me as they mount their wives, curse me and plot against me, as they insult me; at least make sure they can still hear me and let my voice deflower them, if they won't love me at least they can fear me, know me, smell me.

“Yes, Mr. President.”

Rue des Toudonides, rue Whitman, rue Delaronzo: Eckerd Drugs,
open till Midnight
 . . . his skeletal face starts to look like a mummy, he's scouring the different districts, he can feel a tickle tickle in his hernia, hang in there Vauban and I'll show you this country, fuck yeah: isn't it great here! A light rain had started to fall, wetting his denim uniform, he
shrugged his shoulders: ever since I got a taste of that White woman that's all I want now, but tell me, old moldy dick Vauban: Why do you prefer men? And he launches into the anecdote about my war against Russia: eleven months in the rotten forest, without love, soulless, and I swear, Vauban, testicles are the next heart.

It was now Wednesday. The meeting got underway on time. You're going to laugh, yes, for sure you are, because Colonel Martillimi Lopez made Africa and the rest of the world laugh too. No no and no again: I wouldn't have seized your crappy power if my predecessor hadn't taken it upon himself to piss all over the fatherland's business, if he had just left you to starve to death rather than killing you off like rats, if he hadn't squandered seventy percent of the budget on Russian scrap metal. Here, that's the way things are—you visit any household you like at night and you'll hear the story of the late Colonel Martillimi Lopez, Commander-in-Chief of love and fraternity, and each version will have its own tone, saliva, dates, places; each household will allow their imagination to run wild, but this is the true story of the life of Colonel Martillimi Lopez, the son of our National Mom, as it is told by those in my ethnic group, with their taste for myth, amidst gales of laughter, Mom's very own Lopez who now lies in state in a stone casket in the National museum, his right eye permanently open, let him look at the fatherland for centuries to come, watch over us from his father's rotting sleep, let him protect us from tyrants, his dead person's gaze will continue to germinate in the memories of our children's children, it is the very symbol of our past, God is great! And this dead eye that watches over us is a miniature of the nation. No more bullshit, my brothers and dear fellow countrymen: let us love Lopez. He was a hundred times better than Dolsano Maniana is today.

1
. Sony Labou Tansi's experimentation with language is a defining feature of his pioneering corpus of works. A range of devices are used, including subversions of well-known proverbs or translations of these from the original Lingala directly into French. Attempting to explain each and every translation choice would be futile. In this particular instance, however, the original French text read “L'eau chaude ne brûle pas le linge,” a direct translation from the Lingala “Mai ya moto etumbaka elamba te”—the closest equivalent phrase in English might very well be “Don't let yourself be intimidated.”

“M
Y HERNIA IS SAD TODAY
.”

He grabbed the sides of his baggy kaki shorts and hoisted them up toward his belly-button, rearranging his big greasy herniated balls in their sack that reeked of corn beer and mustard.

“My brothers and dear fellow countrymen, my hernia is sad today.” Not really sure why, but we applauded. That happens when you're in a crowd: one person does something and everyone joins in. Long live Lopez, Long live National Mom! And he says it again: “My hernia is sad.” All of a sudden, I'm pretty sure, his handsome face looked much older.

“Ah, Mom! My hernia is sad. All because Cataeno Pablo, that shameful national, that sellout, but how could an insect like that Cataeno Pablo betray us in this way, how could he, how could he? Barely for the price of a tin of sardines, how shameful for us . . .”

Vauban, the head of personal security, stood at his side as he delivered his speech to the nation. His hernia was sagging, giving off a nauseating stench of eggplant and spices, scales were breaking out all over his body in protest at the sweltering heat, and there was also a hint of sugar and the aroma of wormwood, and a smattering of sour urine along with the musty vapors of his nocturnal juices, that kaki odor, a terrible noxious smell. He spoke loudly, our tricolor
colonel did, barricaded off from his nights as national lover, conqueror of virgins! Let my people sing and dance: I adore them with the love of a mammal, Lopez one Tuesday night came directly into the world making mystical sounds, right in front of the Pope, and was then raised in poverty and total destitution, National Mom wiped his backside with a hemp rag, just regional Lopez at the time of Sanamatouff, then later Lopez of my ethnic group under Faramento, and today Lopez that my people sing and dance to, Lopez of my people who don't want me to step down because of the prestige I embody, Lopez for peace, after all I gave the people back to the people, the world back to the world, Lopez aimed at swine like Cataeno Pablo, that miserable national
who who who
went into hiding with Laure and her mother, Cataeno Pablo whose meat we were going to distribute here today to those of you at this meeting, to
you the national
, and not to the you of expatriates who shamefully support the rebel command by handing them seventeen Mauser-52 rifles and eleven Sten guns. Come to think of it, is mister the diplomat in charge of the Belgian embassy and all its “flemishings” here today? Close down their diplomacy, close it down right now and take the first plane in the first direction, and if you don't want to, in the name of Lopez, I'll ship you to His Majesty of the shame of the “Flemish” who have always pecked at us, go ahead and close it down, and I'll also ask the whole Flemish colony settled throughout my hernia to leave the sovereign territory and return to their native Flemishything, in the name of the Revolution, in the name of National Mom and in my own name too, and the same decision of my hernia goes for Italy, yes, my brothers and dear fellow countrymen, Italy has also been mixed up in Cataeno Pablo's harebrained nationalist ideas, Italy, and Cuba as well: same crisis, same sanctions, and in two days time, my brothers and dear fellow countrymen, if you lay hands on a “Fleming,” Italian, or Cuban, you have my full p . . . , you have my full permission to waste him. To conclude, my brothers and dear fellow countrymen, I'm going to bring out five “Pablosard” rebels captured by the nation's
infantrymen, I'm going to have them come up to the mic, so that it's not only my hernia making decisions. I'll ask some questions, and you can decide as to the severity of their actions and the punishment they deserve. (A pause). My brothers and dear fellow countrymen, I'm being told there are in fact six and not five, bring them up. And my God National Mom, what do we have here? This young girl too? No no no: such a delicious creature, but why on earth mother? No no no this can't be so! We've all witnessed his hernia swell when he gets angry, but the swelling quickly dissipated, now come closer my girl, but how on earth does a girl like that, barely twenty years old, with that kind of body, as juicy as they come, and those thighs my God, National Mom, oh my goodness, and those fleshy breasts, a girl who should be able to cage every man in her dreams, imprison every man in her vertiginous bodice and the magic of her thrusts, go figure my brothers and dear fellow countrymen, unless one has been badly fucked, as is often the case for most of the girls in the area near the lake. Just how is it that Flora and the Mona Lisa, brought together in this way, just how is it that such a beauty can come into the world . . . “Like this!” someone shouted out from the crowd. And just like that they were silenced for centuries upon centuries, and that'll teach you to have big mouths and to use them as instruments of hate: get rid of the corpses and go ahead and tell your god-damn TVs that the President's speech claimed several lives.