The She-Hulk Diaries (44 page)

“That’s a good rhyme. She had our life planned out—the houses, vacations, clubs, careers, all of it. She wanted me to franchise Manic Quantum Mechanics and change the curriculum to something that wouldn’t get us sued every time a cannonball accidentally crashed through an abandoned grain silo,” he said, brushing my hair back. “But I don’t want to live carefully, and I don’t want a showplace instead of a home. I want a comfortable house where you don’t have to worry if you knock something over with a football. I like couches that are long enough to stretch out on, and I have old LPs and instruments everywhere. My original artwork is by my brother’s children. Amber wanted me to buy art as an investment.”

“Ellis, you seem to have the delusion that women only want to marry you for your money.”

“You dated Tony Stark, so I thought you might have expectations.”

“One, I dated Tony because he can be really funny and because I loved to watch him invent things. I didn’t have to hide who I was with him; in fact he often urged me to come out as a superhuman. We were always working together, and it seemed like a natural component of that relationship.” I realized that I’d often tried colleagues with benefits before. Maybe the fact that I hadn’t gone for Fritz’s offer was a sign of my maturity. “Also, Tony loves fast cars.”

“
I
have a fast car.”

I grinned. “I know, and we’ll be taking that baby out for a spin… and more… later. Back to the subject. Two, I’m more comfortable in jeans than designer gowns. Three, when I have a job, I’m an extremely highly
paid attorney. Four, I own a collection of swords and weaponry so priceless that even GLKH accountants couldn’t put a value on it.”

I pulled him close and shifted. His hands gripped my growing form as my summer dress shredded to reveal my spectacular green body. “And, five, you are my most precious possession, Ellis Tesla.”

Later, when he was naked, sweaty, and gasping on the ground, I changed back and nestled in his arms. When his breathing normalized, I said, “Ellis, tomorrow we’ve got to go back to the city. What’s next?”

He wove his fingers in mine. “Because my wedding was canceled on short notice, I wasn’t able to get the refund for the wedding hall. I have the hall and the caterer…”

“I love you, but I’m not going to marry you so soon!”

“And I’ve loved you since I saw you dancing by the stage, but my proposal will be more romantic,” he said. “I thought we could use the hall for a banquet and games event. We can have sword fights and an archery contest. Jordy and I have been drawing up designs for a trebuchet that launches casaba melons with a high degree of accuracy. I think it’s time for a reunion of Fringe Theory. We can mix up a batch of Rocket Fuel.”

“That sounds genius. Genoa and Donner would love it, and Mavis could come for the day events. I’ll invite Ruth from the Mansion, and my friend Rene and his wife love your band—how big is the hall?”

“It holds four hundred. Less with jousting, flying melons, and a mosh pit. Let’s say one hundred and fifty comfortably, and I’ll invite some of the kids who’ve gone through my school,” he said, “After that, well, I’d scheduled two weeks off for a honeymoon.”

Jealousy blazed through me. “You want me to go on
Amber’s
honeymoon?”

He smiled. “
I
didn’t even want to go on Amber Hammerhead’s honeymoon. She had us booked at a resort in Latveria, and now I know it was because of Dirtbag Slime Mold Rug Guy.”

“So what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that you never came with me to Paris when I asked. Gin, will you go with me to Paris?”

“It depends. Say something dirty to me in French and I’ll take it under advisement.”

It has been six months since I began my Valentine’s Day Resolutions. As the General said, real change requires continual effort. Here is my status report:

• COMPLETE! Got a job as my human self at one of my top dream law firms.
  
• COMPLETE! Develop friendships and participate in normal activities. Genoa and I are great pals and we are currently drawing up a proposal for Tender Discoveries Legal Historical Theme Park. Fritz, Amy, and Nelson are excited to help with our project. Medieval barbers and pirates!
  
• REJECTED: Avoid shifting unless urgently required. I pay the dues of being a superhuman, so I’m going to enjoy the perks.
  
• COMPLETE! Find a boyfriend. He’s sexy, employed, makes me laugh, and I love love love him because he’s OMG! amazing!
  
• IN PROGRESS! Seek balance in work environment, i.e., have fun and learn how to speak up for myself. I’m confident I’ll get there.
  
• IN PROGRESS! Find another apartment. Sadly, my record as a tenant has not improved. When Ellis learned how many places I’d destroyed, he suggested that I keep a separate place when I need to get my ya-yas out as She-Hulk, but stay with him when I’m Jen and Gin and Jennifer. When I went to the subterranean lair to shovel out the debris, I discovered that the guest bedroom suite had survived because paranoid Hawkeye had built it as a bomb shelter within a bomb shelter. It’s not ideal, but I’d already been prepared to compromise for a living space. I brought in a mini-fridge and a microwave. I couldn’t ask for better access to the
  tunnels and secret passageways, giving me an easy escape whenever I need to get to a party or rescue the world.
  

Next week, Ellis and I are hosting our first big weekend party, with the reunion of the Fringe Theory. He’s writing new songs. There will be jousting, sword fights, and, yes, catapults and trebuchets launching various types of melons and squash. Food trucks will provide snacks around the clock. Bruce accepted my invitation when he learned that things will explode,
kabam!
Then we’re going on to Paris, a goal that I was planning to put on next year’s Valentine’s Day Resolution list, so I’m already ahead!

Karl will be hosting a party for Shulky at his château and doing a photo shoot with her. With me. With us. Rene says I need serious work on my bifurcated personality, but I’m in no hurry. There are some things you can’t put a timeline on.

QUIRC has decided that they want me back, but Holden is trying to lure me away to head his new division of Alternative Life Form Law, which will represent clones, cyborgs, androids, and robots. It’s extremely tempting, but as I tell my clients, “Consider all your options rather than rushing to make an important decision.” Because life offers more possibilities than you can imagine.

Marta Acosta
is the author of the comic Casa Dracula series,
Nancy’s Theory of Style,
and
Dark Companion,
a young adult gothic. She has a degree in creative writing and English and American literature from Stanford University and was a frequent contributor to the
San Francisco Chronicle
and the
Contra Costa Times
. She lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her family and rescued dogs.

www.martaacosta.com

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The Library of Congress has catalogued the original print edition of this book as follows:

Acosta, Marta.

The she-hulk diaries / Marta Acosta.—First edition.

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-4013-1101-8

1. Women heroes—Fiction. 2. Superheroes—Fiction. I. Title.

PS3601.C67S54 2013

813’.6—dc23

2012042184

eBook Edition ISBN: 978-1-4013-0494-2

Cover design by Will Staehle

Original trade paperback edition printed in the United States of America.

www.HyperionBooks.com