The Shore of Women (19 page)

Shadow motioned with his head, and I saw that he wanted to speak to me alone. We rose and walked down the hill until we were out of sight of the others. “Wanderer has spied the tracks of horses not far from here,” Shadow said. “He saw them the other day.”

I tensed. “Horsemen.”

Shadow shook his head. “These weren’t the tracks of horses ridden by men. Those ridden by men make deeper tracks. These are horses without men, and Wanderer thinks of capturing another horse or two, but he also believes that the presence of that small herd might lure horsemen to this region.”

“Then we may have to fight,” I said.

“That isn’t what Wanderer wants. He believes that we might be able to make a truce with such a band.”

“I have seen such men,” I said. “I saw them strike, just outside the Lady’s enclave. You heard what Wise Soul said when we met him. No truce is possible with them—they kill without mercy. We can only be stronger than they are.”

“I’ve lived among such men. They may not be so willing to strike at us when they know we have horses, too. We would not be so easy to kill as a band without horses. And we have an aspect of the Lady with us. They may want a truce with us so that She will protect them as well. Life would be much easier for us if we had no enemies nearby.”

“I was with a band of horsemen who sought truce with others. The Lady punished them.”

“I know of that, but Birana is with us now.” There was an odd tone in Shadow’s voice as he spoke of her. “This is what I want to say to you, Arvil. Birana begins to divide us. When She smiles at Cloudgazer, Firemaker glowers. When She speaks kindly to me, Ulred frowns. And you are the one whom She favors the most.”

“I am not. She avoids me now.”

“Do not deny what I say. I see how She looks at you even when She doesn’t speak. It is as if She has known your soul before somehow.”

“I can do nothing about that.”

“I speak to you as your true friend,” Shadow said as he put an arm around my shoulders. “We cannot live with such feelings building inside ourselves. If we make truce with others, they may come to our camp. They too will seek Birana’s goodwill, and such feelings may build inside them. We cannot have that.”

I wondered if I could now speak to Shadow of what I knew. “I must ask you something,” I said. “What if—what if Birana is not what She seems?”

“But I have seen that already.”

I pulled away from him, startled.

“Do you think I’m a fool?” he said. “I see the truth. Wise Soul has come to it also, and Wanderer as well, for Wanderer has seen many things and heard many tales. We say nothing in front of the others, but they will come to see it.”

“What have you seen?” I asked.

Shadow did not say what I had expected to hear. “Birana lives among us in a body of flesh and bone,” he murmured. “She is an aspect, and yet in some ways She is weaker than we. She has asked us not to pray in shrines or wear the Goddess’s crown, and that means we are deprived of the Goddess’s special blessing in the holy state. Yet that desire is still with us. I know what this means, and the others will soon see it as well.” He paused. “We must seek such blessings with Birana Herself. It is why She wears this body. We must each enter the holy state with Her in turn, and then we’ll ease the feelings inside ourselves and be truly bound to Her. Those who become bound to us by truce can also receive Birana’s blessing, and we will see that no one is favored above another.”

I gaped at him. “You’re wrong. She may smile upon us from time to time, but She resists even a touch.”

“It is a test, Arvil. The Goddess is testing us. She is waiting for us to see what we must do. Birana has said we cannot go to shrines while She is with us, so we must go to Her. How do you think we can be called and given boys otherwise? Birana will bless us, and through Her, the Lady will summon us to Her enclave. She wants us to see this holy way for ourselves. She’s setting barriers in our path to see if we are brave enough to overcome them.”

How could I tell Shadow about my mission now? He plucked at my coat. “This is why I’m speaking to you,” he went on. “She favors you, and I have seen that you have courage. It is you who should seek Her blessing first, and then the rest of us can follow.”

“She will strike me down for it.”

“She won’t strike you down. I would go to Her myself, but I am still a boy, and it is a man who should receive Her blessing first.”

If I did this, if I went to Birana, I might never break her spell. “I must think,” I said.

We climbed back to our camp. Birana was upon Flame, watching as Hasin drew his small bow and aimed his arrow at a tree. He let it fly and it struck near the root. Birana smiled. “Try again,” she said in our tongue, then repeated the words in the holy speech.

I shouldered my quiver and picked up my spear and bow. My knife and sling were in my belt, and a waterskin as well. It was time, and I did not know how soon I could return after finishing my deed.

I took a breath and walked toward her. “I must speak to You, Lady.”

“Speak, then.”

“Not here,” I said in a low voice. “There are things to say that You might not wish the others to hear.”

I was taking a chance. She gazed at me for a long time, then said, “I’ll ride down the hill. Follow Me.”

Flame carried her down the hill slowly. Firemaker glanced at me angrily as I followed. When we were out of sight of the camp, Birana stopped. “Get on behind Me.”

I slipped my spear under the straps across my back and then mounted. I sat with my back straight and my arms tense, conscious of Birana’s waist under my hands as Flame trotted down the slope. I had not been this close to her before. I felt only the cloth of her coat, but my mind dwelled on what lay under the garment. She needed no weapons against me, for my longing had already weakened me.

Ulred was on guard at the bottom of the hill. He saluted as we passed, but seemed surprised to see me riding with her.

We rode east. I felt a chill in the air, winter’s farewell and a reminder that the cold would one day return. I could pull her from the horse, finish her before she knew I had struck.

“I suppose,” she said, “that you think I’m not pleased that you went to the enclave and returned safely. I couldn’t tell you before, but I am.”

I said, “You don’t often speak to me now.”

“I must be careful. I don’t want the others to think I like you more, especially after that fight.”

“Do You?”

“No.” She reined in Flame. “Get off, you can walk. I’ll ride.”

I slid off and walked at her side. She was silent until Flame stopped to graze on a few green shoots. “I thought I would never be able to let one of you touch Me without getting sick. I suppose I’m getting used to you.”

“Surely the Lady can prevent an aspect’s illness.”

She tossed her head and her hood fell away. She had tied her brown hair back with a leather thong, but a few strands curled around her face. “You’re smarter than the others, Arvil. Wanderer and Wise Soul probably know more, and Shadow’s no fool, but I think you’re quicker. Maybe you’re too clever.”

“Not too clever, just clever enough.”

“What did you want to tell Me?”

“That I know you are not what you seem.”

“Be careful, Arvil.”

I stepped back. “Let there be truth between us. I do not say this in front of the men, but to you alone.”

“You didn’t say it in front of them because they would have torn you apart for speaking that way to me.”

“Can you be so certain of that?”

She lashed me in the face with the reins. I threw up an arm. “Don’t get Me angry.”

“My only wish is to serve the Lady.”

She seemed bewildered as she gazed down at me, as if she were wondering what I knew. “I thought…” she began. “I thought you might be someone I could talk to more freely.”

She did not sound like an enemy, like one who sought to ensnare me in evil. I narrowed my eyes. I had my weapons, and our camp was safely distant, yet I hesitated.

Ulred had seen me ride off with Birana. The others had seen me follow her down the hill. If I returned without her, I would have to explain that. I practiced a few stories silently. Another band attacked us. I rejected that, for there would be no signs of such a band, and I would have to explain how I had escaped. The others might not forgive me for my carelessness.

She was thrown by the horse. But she rode too well, and Flame was gentle. The men would be suspicious if I did not come back with her body.

She was called by the Lady and ascended with Her to the heavens. That was more promising, but I wondered if I could tell such a story convincingly. I thought of what Shadow had said to me and did not think he would believe such a tale.

“What are you thinking about?” Birana asked when we stopped again.

“Nothing.”

“Wanderer and Shadow told me about you. You were with a settlement that was destroyed. I imagine those men must have thought they were wiser than they were. You’d better remember that.”

“I know only what I need to know.”

“And what is that?”

I readied my spear. I would bring this into the open and see what weapons she had; I was now sure that she had none. “If you will stand before me,” I said, “I shall tell you what I know.” She did not move. “Are you so frightened of me that you cannot do that?”

I was ready to pull her from the horse before she could ride away. Instead, she dismounted. “I don’t fear you. What can you know?”

“That you are not of the Lady,” I answered. “That you are not a true aspect and not part of the Unity.”

“You learned something in the city!”

I forced myself to look directly into her eyes and saw her fear. “Do you think I can’t reason?”

“You betrayed me! I should have known you would! You weren’t strong enough, you… I should have…” Her throat moved as she swallowed. “I can ride back and tell the others to kill you.”

“They may not listen. They begin to question the meaning of your presence among us. Shadow spoke to me of that today. Can you be certain that they won’t listen to what I have to say?”

“Why are you telling me this? Do you think you can win some power over me?” Her face was pale; her hand trembled as she held onto Flame’s reins. “I don’t want to be here. I shouldn’t be here—I should be dead. I don’t know how long I can bear it. Sometimes I wish I would never wake up, and other times, I wish I would, so I could find out it’s all a dream.”

I shivered. She was speaking as though she knew what the Lady had ordained. She was telling me she knew my purpose. She wanted to die, she had accepted that. I gripped my spear.

She backed away, then mounted Flame. I did not move, could not move to stop her. She kicked the horse with her heels and galloped south. I dropped my spear and readied my bow, but could not shoot. Birana disappeared below a rise in the land.

I picked up my spear and ran after her. Lady, I prayed, do not make me do this. Tell me it is only a test, and that Birana cannot die. I suddenly knew that to see Birana lying dead would cause a pain that might burst my heart, and then it came to me that this feeling was one of Birana’s weapons. She had unmanned me.

I tracked her to the stream. She had tied Flame to a sapling and was sitting on the bank. She might have ridden far, and yet she sat there, waiting.

I went to her side. “I can’t run,” she said. “Where would I go?” She turned toward me. Her eyes were rimmed with red, and tears streaked her face. The sight of those tears made me tremble—made me despise myself for causing them.

At that moment, I understood at last that she was one like me. I could have slain her then, but did not, for I was gazing into another imprisoned soul reaching to me for help. If the Lady had heard the thoughts racing through my mind at that time, She would have destroyed me, yet I stood there and lived.

“Arvil,” Birana said, “tell me what you think I am.”

“The Lady broke your spell,” I said. “Your name was torn from my lips. I was told that you are an evil one sent to deceive us, to lure men from the right way.”

“Is that what you believe?”

I would speak the unholy thoughts inside me. “I think that if the Lady is all-powerful, She wouldn’t suffer you to come among us for such a reason, for there is wickedness enough in the world to test us and many ways for us to fall into evil. When I was in Her realm, I had a vision of a room with strange objects where my guardian lay bound in a silver web. It wasn’t a place where souls reside, but another place, and it showed me that the Lady is not what She seems. I see you among us and although you wear Her form, your body has the weaknesses of ours. Birana, I was sent out here to kill you.”

Her eyes widened; she covered her throat with one hand. “And will you?”

“How can I kill you? You are one like me; I see it now. You live in our world, and something in you calls to me.” I looked toward the sky. “What has the Lady done to us? Is it She who has cast a wicked spell on the world? Has She led us to falseness and made us believe it is truth?”

I was not struck down. The Lady did not appear with Her weapons of fire to destroy me. The murderous impulse She had planted inside me was gone, but speaking those dread words tore at my soul. The world I knew had vanished. There was nothing left to guide me.

I fell at Birana’s side and wept. The cries of a beast came from my throat. I wept for my lost faith and my wretchedness, then felt a hand on my brow.

“Arvil,” she said, “you glimpse the truth.”

I sat up. “The Lady may not be what She seems,” Birana went on, “but the Lady is powerful nonetheless. She can still destroy.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “She’ll want to destroy me, to be certain I’m dead. I wish I didn’t want to live so much. Even out here, I want to live.”

“You aren’t safe here,” I said. I was thinking of what I had witnessed on the plateau and what the Lady might send here against us, but I was also thinking of what Shadow had told me. “Others in the band are coming to question your nature. Shadow believes that you came among us to give us the blessings the Lady sends those who wear Her crown in shrines.”

Birana started at that and drew away from me. “What can I do?” she whispered. “I might escape you. I might ride away on Flame and never set eyes on you again, but how will I live out here? Another band might kill me. Even if they don’t, they’ll come to see what I am, as your band is beginning to see. If the city knows I live…” She gazed out over the stream. “It might be better for you if you killed me now and found a story your band could believe.”