The Simple Dollar (13 page)
Authors: Trent Hamm
During much of my early professional career, I hung out with a group of guys who spent money like it was water. They were constantly buying gadgets, dropping an ever-escalating amount of money on games, and indulging in all kinds of different expensive activities. One night, it might be an all-night gaming session. Another night, it might end up with an expensive game of poker. We might stop by a bar, or go to a driving range. There was always something going on that would cause money to slip through one’s fingers like water.
What made the situation worse is that, if a person chose not to participate, they were goaded and belittled by the rest of the group. Taunts were delivered and names were called until you “manned up” and dropped your money on something wholly unnecessary.
Most of the conversation in the group was extremely negative as well. Insults were constantly hurled at anyone not a part of the group. Negative stories about other people were pretty much the lingua franca of our circle. Often, we would cut each other down, as a well-placed insult usually elicited high fives from the other members of the group.
On one level, it was fun. I could just relax and let out all of the angst inside of me built up while trying to plow forward in a challenging career. Yet, I began to realize that this black hole of money and negative feelings was changing me as well. It was causing me to generally feel more negative about everything. It was causing me to spend money without really caring about the future.
Eventually, I walked away from this circle of people. I just stopped hanging out with them. Instead, I started spending evenings at home with my wife and infant son. I started seeking out new relationships in my life and rebuilding old ones.
Take a look at the people around you—the people you choose to spend your time with. Are the conversations with them positive or negative? Do you spread gossip and relish in the crumbling lives of others? Or do you support each other and encourage success and positive results? Do your friends constantly engage in activities that drain your pocketbook? Or are your friends truly happy with an afternoon just hanging out at each others’ homes?
I’m not suggesting at all that you should end your relationship with a long-time friend because you go shopping and gossip together. Instead, I suggest simply exploring other areas in your life and see where they lead.
It was the end of our wedding reception, and Sarah and I were worrying about several last-minute details. Yet, as he had been all that week, my best man, John, was right there. He just looked at me and said the same thing he’d said many times already that week. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” Sarah and I left, and John stayed behind, once again taking care of the little details and giving us the freedom to enjoy this day with as little worry as possible. As Sarah and I walked away, I looked over my shoulder and saw him taking down some decorations, and I realized that the more friends like John I had in my life, the better my life would be.
June 2003
On the flip side of that negative relationship coin is positive relationships—ones that reinforce your positive traits. Positive relationships are based on exchanging value with one another and encouraging each other’s best attributes.
Catherine Krikorian, a mortgage underwriter from Bellevue, WA, is adamant that personal relationships laid the foundation for her career and saved her through economic downturns. “I can’t think of any job that I have had over the past 20 years that I landed just because my resume was the best fit. I always knew someone that got me an ‘in.’ Mind you, there were many people interviewing for the positions, and I was eventually hired on my own merits because I interview well and I am good at what I do, but would I have even had the chance to interview without that contact? I can guarantee you with the last two jobs, especially with the recent real estate implosion and the many underwriters out of work, the answer would have been ‘no.’”
4
In my own life, I’ve found this to be true. The John I mention in the previous anecdote has been my closest friend (besides my wife) over the last fifteen years of my life. No matter what I happen to be doing in life, he takes the time to listen to what I’m saying and offer genuine and useful advice and help. He rarely speaks negatively of anyone and usually finds the positive in any situation. He’s also very content to engage in activities that don’t require money to be spent—in fact, John can often be found at our dining room table playing a board game with us.
The difference between John and the circle of friends I described earlier is that John cares about
me
, whereas the others care more about
gratification.
In the other circle, I am easily replaceable because I don’t truly matter. If I’m unavailable, they’ll just call someone else to go out on the town with them. If I’m unavailable, John will immediately ask what he can help with. In the other circle, negative expressions toward others is rewarded and, over time, leads to a more negative sense of the world. With John, positive expressions toward others is rewarded and, over time, builds into a more positive sense of the world.
Most of us have a mix of negative and positive people in our lives. The easiest way to maximize the value of the positive people and minimize the impact of the negative is to simply make the choice to spend our free time with the positive ones. Instead of heading out to go shopping with the gossip girls, have a movie night with some of your other friends. Instead of heading out to the golf course for another afternoon of drinking and betting and insults, go play ultimate frisbee at the park with some of your other friends. You’ll find that, over time, your outlook on life and attitudes toward money will change in a positive direction.
Another vital aspect of bringing positive relationships forward in your life is that positive relationships constantly contribute opportunities and value to your life. A positive friend, upon seeing an opportunity you may be interested in, will immediately strive to inform you of that opportunity—and, similarly, as your attitude becomes more positive, you’ll do the same. If you need help, a positive friend will come forward to help you instead of turning away at when you need it most.
I left a meeting with my academic advisor, who had informed me that the job market was incredibly poor for people graduating this spring and that only a small handful of people in my major had found any sort of work—mostly with pretty low salaries. I had sent out dozens of applications and resumes and letters, but had so far only received one bite—and it required moving to a new part of the country by myself, leaving behind my family and the woman that I loved and would eventually marry.
I trudged back to work in the research lab, wondering what was going to happen. When I arrived, my boss was waiting for me with a big smile on his face. “Your work here has been excellent over the past several years. Would you like to work on a new project for me after you graduate? I think it’s something you’ll be interested in.” A wonderful job, delivered at my feet thanks to my effort in building a positive relationship.
March 2002
Most of the time, our relationships are formed by circumstance. We’re related to these people. We work with these people. We live near these people. Our children are friends with their children. We went to college together. We go to the same church. We’re in the same book club.
I call these groups
cohorts
. Within each cohort, there’s usually a wide mix of people, both negative and positive. Quite often, though, our friends within a given cohort happen to be the first people we “clicked” with in some way. We found a common interest with the guy two doors down at the neighborhood barbecue. We started hanging out with the “after-dinner drink” group because someone invited you on your second day of work.
The best way to slowly transition your relationships from negative ones to positive ones is to explore each of your cohorts. Get to know a wide variety of people at your church, not just the group that you first befriended. Have dinner with the parents of each of your child’s friends, just to get to know them. Plan
another neighborhood barbecue and make it your goal to meet as many of the people who attend as possible.
As you meet more and more people, you’ll find more and more people that you click with on some level. As you begin to connect, ask yourself:
Will this new person I’m connecting with improve me as a person?
Is that person positive, complimenting and helping people, or is that person negative, spreading gossip behind their back? Does that person offer helpful advice to you, or do they look down their nose at you? Does that person enjoy spending time with people no matter what the activity or are they always chasing the latest thing?
As you discover more positive people around you, make an effort to deepen your connection with them. Invite them over. Help them with projects. Ask for their advice and ideas, and offer your own to them freely. From such a seed, a powerful positive relationship will bloom. By osmosis, that positive relationship will affect your life in countless positive ways.
Even more compelling, having positive relationships in many different cohorts can radically benefit your life. People from different cohorts will be exposed to different information and different opportunities and, by the nature of a positive relationship, they’ll want to share that information and those opportunities with you.
The relationships that fill your life have a profound impact on your personal and financial success. Positive relationships open opportunities; negative relationships close them. Thus, one major step that any person can take to improve his or her personal and financial position is to open the door to as many positive relationships as possible. Here are five ways to begin doing just that:
- Explore your cohorts.
Make an effort to get to know as many people as possible that you already have something in common with. Have conversations with people you don’t know very well in the workplace, at church, at group meetings, and in the neighborhood. Unless you open yourself up to finding new relationships, you’ll have a very difficult time establishing more positive relationships. - Evaluate the people you meet and build relationships with the positive ones.
Are these people positive or negative people? Do they speak well of others? Do they offer genuinely useful and helpful information? Are they enjoyable to be around? One good way to delve into this is to ask for their opinions on various subjects and listen to whether they offer positive, helpful information or negative, useless information. Focus on building relationships with the interesting, positive people you discover by inviting them over for events and engaging them in regular conversation and interaction. - Focus on being more positive.
If you have information you know will be useful to people in your life, share it. If someone asks for help, give it to the best of your ability. Reduce (or even eliminate) the amount of negative information you share about others. Most importantly,
don’t worry about what you will get in return for it.
What you’ll get, over time, is a positive reputation and a set of positive relationships that will help you when you need it. In the end, positive people tend to attract other positive people. - Mix positive people in different cohorts.
Introducing the positive people you know from different cohorts to each other often produces a multiplying effect. Positive people are often able to make each other better, and not only have you been able to easily improve two people you’re connected to, you also happen to be one of the things they have in common. You’re the one that connected them, and they’ll remember you for that. One effective way to do this is to have a dinner party at your home in which you invite positive friends from different cohorts who may not all know each other, giving you the opportunity to make introductions and perhaps helping the people you care about to build new, valuable relationships. - Don’t lament negative relationships that end.
Quite often, negative relationships are replaceable. Rather than missing you, a negative person will simply find a replacement in their social circle without any real damage to their self-esteem. Quite often, the manner in which a relationship ends—with silence or with a flurry of negativity—gives a great indication that the relationship wasn’t about valuing you at all, which is a relationship you’re better off without.
I wasn’t supposed to be the one speaking, yet there I was, presenting and flipping through the slides. The responsibility had fallen to me. I was scared to death. Every single person in that room had more knowledge of this stuff than me. I could have said no. As I looked at the two people sitting in the back of the room, I realized why I had said yes. One was my former boss, the one who had opened the door to this job for me. The other one was a loyal coworker, the one person who had come through time and time again and made this project work, even through some desperate crises and adversity. I looked at the two of them, took a deep breath, and kept on delivering my first presentation.
October 2002
My father worked for thirty-five years for the same company. He was loyal to them through restructurings, layoff periods, downsizings, drastic changes to their retirement plans, constant management shufflings, aborted technology shifts, and countless other obstacles. Today, he sits at
home retired, watching the news and hoping the company doesn’t go under, dragging his pension down with it.