The Sinner (52 page)

I never hated her more than I did at that moment, when she
stretched out on the bed. I knew my finger and the candle wouldn't
be enough this time. She usually liked to talk and have a cuddle
afterwards. If I wanted to make her really tired, I would have to do
it with my tongue ... The very thought of it made me feel sick.

That was when I realized that everything was topsy-turvy. I
didn't live for her; she lived my life through me. Father used to
call her his little bird, and that's what she was like, a bird pecking
the best bits out of my miserable life. All she left me was a sense
of disgust.

Maybe it was only the champagne that made my head spin.
Maybe it was the thought of Johnny, whom I'd walked out on. I felt
I was burning up inside as I kissed and caressed her. Johnny would
have been doing that to me, had I stayed with him.

So I proceeded to tell her the truth - all of it. No real boyfriends
so far, just a well-meaning wimp. No red-hot sex with randy
Casanovas, just a few lukewarm, beer-flavoured kisses. And now
this uniquely different boy who had turned my legs to jelly.

She lay still and listened to me. When I started to weep she
put her arms round me. I felt her hands on my back. She pulled
my T-shirt out of my waistband, slid her hands beneath it and
stroked my back. "It's all right," I heard her whisper. "It's all right,
sweetheart. I'm sorry. I'm a terrible burden to you, I know, but not
for much longer. Not for much longer, sweetheart, I promise you."
She slid her hands beneath my arms and cupped them around
my breasts. I didn't want her to touch me like that. I wanted to feel Johnny's hands there, yearned for Johnny's whispers, Johnny's
kisses, Johnny's body.

I can't recall if I told her that, but I must have done so because
she suddenly let go of me and said: "You can have him, sweetheart.
Go get him, and I won't ask you afterwards what it was like." She sat
up. "Know what we're going to do now? We're going to Johnny."

She always said "we" when she meant me. I couldn't help
thinking of the kindly student nurse she'd told me about, and how
she'd longed for a cuddle from Mother when things were really
grim. And the only person she'd had was me.

I felt sorry for having said such mean things to her. She couldn't
help it, but I couldn't help falling in love. I was nineteen! It was
normal for a girl of nineteen to fall in love with someone. I couldn't
spend the rest of my life inventing imaginary men and showing my
sister what it was like to be made love to by them. I wanted to know
what it was like now, at that very moment.

I wanted to be able to come home afterwards and tell my father:
"Now I know what you've been missing all these years. Forgive me,
father! Forgive me for all the vile things I've said and thought about
you. I think I was simply disgusted with myself. But that's all over
now I'm a woman, a real woman. I've been to bed with a man, and
it was wonderful."

All I wanted was to live, to lead an entirely normal life with a
man whom I loved and who loved me. With a father who was
happy and contented in his old age.

He would never again have to tell stories about Buchholz in
order to forget the little children he'd shot in Poland. If he'd been
on his own there, lie would never have done it, I felt sure. And I
wanted him to realize that lie was as little to blame for the holes in
Magdalena's heart as I was. I wanted him to forget it.

He was only to think of the children I might some day put on
his lap, so he could tell them old stories about the railway. I wanted
him to be proud of me. I wanted him to stop regarding his children
as his punishment - to stop wishing that he'd denied himself for
once and bided his time, so Magdalena would never have been
born.

She smiled at me. I was a bit woozy from the fizz, from my
thoughts and emotions, and I felt so depressed, so wretched inside.
"We", she'd said. That meant I was to drive back to the Aladdin and
leave her alone with her own wretched thoughts and emotions.

"It wouldn't be right," I said. "Not on your birthday."

"That's just it," she retorted. "That's just why it would be right.
You must help me to get dressed and. . ."

That was when I grasped what she meant. "You're crazy," I said.
She'd scarcely been out of bed all week - she hadn't even come
downstairs for meals. Three visits to the bathroom, that's all. I'd
given her a bed-bath and held a bowl for her to clean her teeth.
She couldn't stand up, even when I helped her. It was impossible.

She didn't see it that way, and she could be very stubborn when
she wanted something.

"Don't make a fuss, Cora. If I tell you it'll work, it will. I'm fine,
I've been resting all week. I've even put on a bit of weight, hadn't
you noticed? Look at my legs. If I'm not careful, I'll get fat. I'm
fine, really, I'm not just saying that. I wouldn't suggest it if I knew
it was impossible." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Or do you
begrudge me an outing? The Aladdin is your personal preserve
- you'd sooner I stayed in bed, is that it?"

"No, that's not true."

"But it looks like that. Or are you scared? You've no need to be,
I know what I'm capable of" She laughed softly. "There's plenty
of time, we've no need to rush. If your Johnny meant what he said,
he'll wait - he'll still be there at midnight. Help me get dressed, dab
a bit of rouge on my cheeks and paint my nails for me. We can do
them last - they can dry on the way there."

"You can't leave the house," I said.

"Of course I can," she insisted. "I'll have to if we go to America;
it's the same thing. You'll have to help me downstairs, that's all. In
the car I'll be sitting down, and I can easily manage to walk the few
yards from the car park. Once we're inside, I'll sit in a corner and
watch you dancing with Johnny."

She must have noticed that the idea didn't appeal to me, because
she added: "No, I won't watch you. It's your night. I'll sit with his friend. You said he had someone with him. What's he like? The
friend, I mean?"

"Not bad," I lied. `An amusing type. He goes by the name of
Tiger." I hadn't mentioned that tonight was the first time he'd
picked up a girl, and I thought it better not to mention it now

"Sounds interesting." She grinned. "Does he have stripes and a
long tail?"

We both laughed. "No idea," I said. "I've never seen him with
his clothes off."

She was still laughing. "Maybe I can take a peek at him if
you go off with Johnny." She looked up at me with her head on
one side. "It'll be fantastic, you'll see. You'll have a great time, I
know"

I still felt reluctant, but what she'd said about America was right.
Besides, I thought it might act as a test run.

She wanted to wear my dark blue satin blouse and the white skirt
with the scalloped hem. The skirt was almost transparent, so her
legs showed through the lace. She really had put on weight. Her
legs were slender, but not thin any more.

"I'll amuse myself till you get back," she told me while I was
helping her to get dressed. "Have a good time, sweetheart. I will
too. You've no idea how long I've been wanting to go to the disco. I
never thought I'd manage it this year. What a birthday this is!"

She wanted dark red varnish for her nails, so you couldn't see
how blue they were. In the car she asked me how much money we
really had.

"Only thirty thousand," I said. "Not ninety. I'm sorry."

She shrugged. "Thirty thousand is a tidy sum, though. How did
you manage it?"

This time it was my turn to shrug. "I saved it. I always bought
the cheapest stuff"

She gave me a funny sidelong glance but said nothing. I was
driving slowly and carefully. I was scared of having an accident because of all the champagne I'd drunk, and I was also worried
about her. Terribly worried.

"Forget about me," she said. "This isn't the first time I've gone
for a drive. Driving to the hospital is more tiring. It's much further
too, but I've always survived so far." She was laughing again.

And then, when we got out in the car park, I really did forget my
fears. It wasn't as full as usual, but my heart gave a leap when I saw
that the silver Golf was still there. Covering the few yards to the
entrance was no problem. I put my arm around Magdalena's waist
and we took it very slowly. She came to a halt just outside. "Hang
on," she said. "Let me savour this for a moment or two."

It was rather breezy, so I couldn't hear how fast she was breathing.
"Too much for you?" I asked.

"Is it hell! Let go of me, or they'll think you're carting a tailor's
dummy around."

I let go of her but remained poised to catch her if necessary. She
took one step and then another, not even holding onto the wall.
Then she turned to me and laughed. "You see? I feel absolutely
fine."

When I saw the smile on Johnny's face, I felt absolutely fine too.
He and Tiger were sitting at a table talking. There was no sign of
the unknown girl. Johnny wasn't surprised by my reappearance.

I didn't care for the way he stared at Magdalena and smiled a
different smile from the one he'd given me. He obviously fancied
her - any man would have. She was a picture, thanks to my
handiwork.

She was as aware of this as I was. `Just so there's no misunderstanding," she said, "I've only come to look at a wild animal. I'm told
there's a tiger running around loose in here. Mind if I sit down?"

Tiger grinned from ear to ear. He nodded eagerly and made
room for her. Magdalena held onto the table with both hands. "I'm
rather unsteady on my pins," she said. "I've been lying in bed all
day. Not a good idea, bad for the circulation."

She sat down beside Tiger, and I sat down besideJohnny. Having
grasped that she was off-limits, he put his arm round my shoulders
and gave me a squeeze. "So the lullaby didn't work," he said.

Magdalena heard this. "I'm a bit too old for lullabies," she said
with a laugh.

I felt embarrassed - I'd forgotten I'd told him that. Johnny
wanted to dance. The DJ was playing an old number by the Beach
Boys. He took me in his arms and said: "You don't look alike in the
least. Is she really your sister?"

"No," I told him. "My sister's asleep in bed. She really is quite
ill. That's Magdalena; I bumped into her in the car park. She
suggested pulling your leg a bit."

"I see," was all he said.

I don't know how long we danced. Only a minute or two, it
seemed to me, but it must have been half an hour or more. When
we returned to the table Magdalena complained that the music
was a drag. "Don't they have anything by Queen?"

"Queen be damned!" said Tiger. "Would you like to hear a really
good group? Live?"

"Why, got one up your sleeve?"

"In a manner of speaking," said Tiger, "but only a third of it.
I play keyboard." He indicated Johnny. "Bass guitar. We left the
drummer behind. Frankie didn't feel like making a night of it, he
never does. He's scared his parents will turn up unexpectedly."

Almost in the same breath, he said: "Hey, guys, how about giving
him a surprise? This place is dullsville. Let's go and make our own
party - let's drag Frankie away from his books."

Magdalena leaped at the idea. I didn't want to drive too far after
all the champagne I'd drunk, but Johnny said they'd take us and
bring us back afterwards.

Magdalena leaned on Tiger on the way out, not that it aroused
comment. Being taller than him, she draped one arm around his
shoulders-much to his satisfaction-as if she'd known him for years.
The two of us got in the back with Johnny and Tiger in front.

I was terribly anxious on Magdalena's account. I felt it was
wrong, what we were doing - wrong and far too risky - but it was
also exciting because of Johnny. He kept turning around during
the drive. He didn't say anything, just gazed at me as if we were
alone together in a bedroom or somewhere.

I took no notice of our route, and I can't recall what the house
looked like. I only know the two boys got out when the Golf pulled
up. Each of them reached into the back and held out his hand.
Johnny pulled me straight into his arms. Tiger helped Magdalena
out.

He treated her very nicely and considerately. While they were
sitting at the table on their own she'd told him she'd been in bed
with gastritis. He said she was in safe hands with him. He was
studying medicine, he said, and so was Frankie. Frankie was a
grade-A student - he'd be bound to become a top consultant some
day, like his old man. She told me that before she ... I think she
told me in the car, but I don't remember.

They got to the front door first. I didn't notice whether Tiger had
a key or had to ring the bell, but he and Magdalena were inside
long before us. I had my eyes shut, and Johnny was propelling me
backwards as he kissed me. "Mind the step," he murmured, picking
me up. He didn't put me down until we were inside the hallway,
that huge white hallway.