The Siren (35 page)

The Ocean apologized to Aisling, Miaka, and Elizabeth for what She was about to ask them to do, but explained that She was at a point where She could not do this Herself. She paused. They all looked at each other, then me. They all knew something was wrong, but only now, at the Ocean’s casual exclusion of my name, were they positive that something was me.

She explained that a year ago I fell in love with a boy.

I looked down. I could feel their eyes darting towards me.

She explained that this was why I had been grieving, not because of Jillian, though that still bothered me. It was this boy who had trapped me in sadness. He was where I had gotten my missing necklace, and he was why I had left Miaka and Elizabeth alone in Florida. She said She had watched him for a long time now and knew that he loved me, too. This only added to the problem.

I wondered how long She had known he loved me. I had only known for sure for a few minutes. It seemed particularly cruel to hold that detail from me.

She explained that She hated that we were both sad, but thought that it would all resolve itself when She found him drowning.

Miaka covered her mouth, clearly saddened.

That was, She explained, until I jumped in and saved him.

Aisling’s head whipped around at me.

I had clearly broken the rules. I took a life that belonged to Her, I had risked Her secret, and I had put them all in jeopardy. I had to be punished.

I saw Elizabeth tense up. She was the closest to me.

The Ocean explained that the problem with this was that She loved me.

They all noted this with stunned faces. I don’t think they realized She was capable of that. After all, hadn’t I just thought it was impossible?

Yes, She loved me, and that had clouded Her judgment. Usually, She felt that She had been consistent over the years, but She wasn’t sure that what She would do would be fair when it came to me. The only way to be impartial was to put it to a vote. She was handing the decision over to them. She just didn’t trust Herself.

We reflected our shock in one another’s faces. How could She put this on my sisters? How could that be fair? It was the height of cruelty to ask them to do this job.

“Does Kahlen get a vote?” Miaka asked this aloud for our benefit. That was a good question. She always asked the good questions.

No, I did not get a vote. It seemed wrong that I should get a say in my own punishment to Her.

Without further ado, She explained the options. The first was that I could have fifty years added on to my sentence. She wouldn’t mind me staying on, but She was afraid that I would keep finding ways back to him. She was surprised at how well I had done it this time. This would be a continual danger. If he saw me in twenty years, and I hadn’t aged a day, it would raise questions. She was afraid it would come down to one of the other two options: Either Akinli needed to die, or I did.

I fought back tears. I wanted to be brave. I knew if the girls had to make this choice, I wouldn’t make them feel bad about it. I think I may have shaken a little, but no tears gave me away. That old familiar coat— on fire, filled with weights, and now full of glass shards inside to cut me to pieces every time I put it on— slid painfully into place. I couldn’t burden my sisters with my sadness.

She gave them a few minutes to choose. Personally, I didn’t know what I would have chosen. Definitely not to have Akinli die. But I didn’t know if it would be worse to just die myself or live sixty-eight more years knowing how much I’d hurt him.

She told them to decide: more time, my death, or Akinli’s.

The silence grew.

I kept my head down for a long time, afraid that my eyes would give something away or make them feel too guilty about what She was asking them to do. And it was an order, if they denied Her, they’d go along with me. I couldn’t wish that on my sisters.

Finally, my curiosity got the better of me. I looked around the circle. Miaka’s head was bowed, and she looked anguished. Elizabeth was biting her nails, staring into the sky with a furrowed brow. But when I turned to Aisling, she was staring at me.

We’d never had such a serious moment of contact. She was searching my face, my eyes. Maybe she was trying to guess which one of these options I wanted most. I tried to make my face read “anything but him.”

Time was up. The Ocean asked Miaka what she felt was fair.

“More time. I don’t want to see Kahlen lose another person she loves. And I can’t stand to see her die. Not like this. And now that we know, we can watch her; we could stop her from going,” she said. “I’m sorry, Kahlen.”

I half smiled at her. This wasn’t her fault.

Next was Elizabeth. The Ocean asked her what she felt was fair.

Elizabeth looked up at me quickly and then back down.

“I’m sorry, Kahlen. I think… I think maybe he should… go. He was already supposed to have died. And if you live like this for fifty plus years… you know you’d try to go back. I can see it in your face. And every time you would just end up here. Eventually, you’ll lose your life. And you worked so hard for your second chance…”

At that I started crying. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The façade fell to the ground, and I refused to even try to put it back on. Akinli’s death because of my mistake was torture. I wanted to say that if he went, I wouldn’t be staying much longer myself. He was immeasurably important to me, and I would
not
be separated from him like that. I held my tongue to spare them any more pain. I wouldn’t lie about my sadness anymore, but I couldn’t add to theirs.

The Ocean turned at last to Aisling. She asked what she thought was fair. Aisling stared down for a while. Then I could see her chest heaving; her breathing was picking up. She stood, unable to control herself. She started pacing. Finally, she drove an angry foot into the water and answered with a yell.

“Since when is any of this fair? Your concept of fair is ridiculous! Kahlen hasn’t hurt You or me or any of us. This boy has no idea. If You really cared about what was fair, You’d let this whole damn thing go. How in the world can You expect us to judge her for something we all want? That is
not
fair!

“If You want to make some sort of twisted verdict, if You need payment, fine. Tack on Your fifty years. But give it to me. I’ll serve the rest of my time and hers. If You wanted to be fair at all, You’d give the time to me, since I’m the only person here who would actually want it!”

 
CHAPTER
17

Stunned. I was stunned. We all were. We gaped at Aisling trying to make her statement make sense. Everything about it seemed wrong. First, the fact that she spoke more than a sentence or two was completely out of character. Second, that she spoke to the Ocean so forcefully was dizzying. Not just the action itself, but because it was in my defense. And beyond all that, she was willing to stay in this in-between life for longer than she had to. To take it on for me. It was a mystery.

Aisling looked completely unashamed. Her face was unapologetic as she surveyed our shock. I couldn’t comprehend it all, try as I may. Thankfully, without waiting for an invitation, she spoke.

“When I was taken, I was eighteen. I was traveling up the coast from Karlskrona to Stockholm. I had just finished visiting my mother and father, and was on my way back to be with my daughter.”

“Daughter?!” Elizabeth exclaimed, voicing all our disbelief. Even the Ocean seemed shocked at this word. How had She never known?

“Yes, daughter. She was eleven months old at the time. She was supposed to make the trip with me, but she got sick just before the trip. She seemed strong enough by the time we were supposed to go, but I didn’t want to risk it… Best decision of my life by far.

“She was the result of a brief affair with a boy who I loved and was sure loved me. But the moment he found out I was pregnant, he disappeared. I don’t know what happened to him. I can’t even remember his name now. I kept the baby a secret from my family as long as I could. They were ashamed. I think we had been wealthy or prominent maybe... They sent me off to live with my aunt and uncle in the north. They had no children of their own, and didn’t mind my company. And when Tova was born, they were so pleased to have her there, too.”

Aisling’s eyes were alight with the word. Tova, her daughter.

“I thought about her father a lot in the beginning. But after a while, I realized he was the one missing it all. I would have loved him all my life. I would have given him a huge family. But he gave it all up. He gave up a loyal wife and the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. I was the lucky one. I had her all to myself.”

Aisling was smiling, glowing with the memories of her daughter. I had never seen Aisling smile without malice behind it. All along I had thought she was beautiful, but with this hope behind her features, she was absolutely captivating.

She was right, that boy was an idiot.

When she came out of her reverie, she continued.

“A while after Tova was born, I think my mother was overcome with the guilt of kicking me out. I think I was the only daughter, but I can’t remember anymore. I think she missed me. So we had arranged for Tova and me to come back and visit. Of course, even when Tova got sick, I wanted to make amends with my family. I had hoped in the future we could all be together. So I went without her. I left my baby behind…”

Aisling’s voice broke. She held her delicate hand up to cover her mouth and hauntingly beautiful tears glistened in her eyes. The careful, hard demeanor she had built over nearly a century crumbled in front of me. She was not the horrible person I had thought her to be. Aisling simply ached with a longing that I could partly understand, but still, somehow not. I knew what it meant to be away from the person you loved the most, but I had never been a mother.

“When the ship went down, I refused to give up. I wasn’t going to leave her without a mother if she definitely had no father. He wasn’t coming back, so I had to. I was going to get back to my girl. And when I was asked in the dark of the water what I would give to live on, there was no question. I had something unparalleled when it came to things worth living for. When it’s your child…” She shook her head. “Until then, you just can’t understand. All I could think was ‘Tova. I have to live for Tova.’”

That’s
how she did it. Aisling would not be in this situation at all if she had simply thought, “I have to live for my daughter.” Her beauty and youth would not have saved her had her wishes only taken a slightly different route. The Ocean would never have kept a parent.

It was the same as me thinking of Alex and Tommy. The Ocean didn’t know if they were brothers or boyfriends, only that they mattered to me. Tova could have been a sister, a cousin, a friend. And Aisling, after obviously being betrayed in her life, was just naturally more guarded— a quality I obviously lacked.

“When I realized that living didn’t mean that I got her back, I was furious. I was so angry. And then anger melted into sadness. I just had to be away from the others. I had to be alone. Poor Marilyn! She tried to live with me, but I was so distraught, I couldn’t take her company. I really liked her, but I was just so
angry
. I’ll always regret that— that I couldn’t tell her why. But at least I get to explain it to you.”

Aisling looked around at us, at her sisters, finally being able to enjoy us. She wasn’t hiding anything anymore. She was glowing in her new freedom.

“It was then, while I was by myself, that I realized I could watch her from afar. I didn’t have to be front and center to be a part of her world. So, since almost the very beginning of my sentence, I’ve kept this secret. Bigger than Kahlen’s, huh?” she said that last line with another one of those life-filled smiles. I actually giggled. Despite the insanity of everything happening around me, I had to laugh at Aisling’s first joke in a hundred years. I kept waiting for the Ocean to react, but She stayed still. For now.

“It’s been hard. I’ve had to stay away from the Ocean when we weren’t serving, and when we were I had to guard my thoughts. I knew if I didn’t keep this to myself I’d lose it all. I’m sure you’ve all thought I hated you. That was never the case, and I apologize. It was just easier to watch her and stay anonymous by myself. It was better for you to not know, so I had to make you
want
to stay away. It’s been a lonely life to live, but at least I got to see my Tova.”

I thought about that. How lonely had I been even with my sisters and the Ocean as my companions? I still felt so lost sometimes. Aisling had
nothing
to fall back on, no one to talk to. She probably never pursued things the way Miaka, Elizabeth, and I did. She sacrificed everything— her sisters, her Mother, her time, her ambitions— everything for her daughter.

“How did you do it? What did you see? How… just how?” Elizabeth begged. I was waiting for the Ocean to interrupt, to say She’d heard enough. But She listened, too.

“Well, I pick up and move to neighboring towns pretty regularly. I have an array of makeup and wigs I’ve collected. Of course, not speaking was hard, but I learned sign language, and that helped.”