The Skeptics Annotated Bible (165 page)

31 Moreover ye shall take no satisfaction for the life of a murderer, which is guilty of death: but he shall be surely put to death.

32 And ye shall take no satisfaction for him that is fled to the city of his refuge, that he should come again to dwell in the land, until the death of the priest.

33 So ye shall not pollute the land wherein ye are: for blood it defileth the land: and
the land cannot be cleansed of the blood that is shed therein, but by the blood of him that shed it.

(35.33)
“The land cannot be cleansed of the blood that is shed therein, but by the blood of him that shed it.”

34 Defile not therefore the land which ye shall inhabit, wherein I dwell: for I the LORD dwell among the children of Israel.

36
And the chief fathers of the families of the children of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, of the families of the sons of Joseph, came near, and spake before Moses, and before the princes, the chief fathers of the children of Israel:

2 And they said, The LORD commanded my lord to give the land for an inheritance by lot to the children of Israel: and my lord was commanded by the LORD to give the inheritance of Zelophehad our brother unto his daughters.

3 And if they be married to any of the sons of the other tribes of the children of Israel, then shall their inheritance be taken from the inheritance of our fathers, and shall be put to the inheritance of the tribe whereunto they are received: so shall it be taken from the lot of our inheritance.

4 And when the jubile of the children of Israel shall be, then shall their inheritance be put unto the inheritance of the tribe whereunto they are received: so shall their inheritance be taken away from the inheritance of the tribe of our fathers.

5 And Moses commanded the children of Israel according to the word of the LORD, saying, The tribe of the sons of Joseph hath said well.

6 This is the thing which the LORD doth command concerning the daughters of Zelophehad, saying, Let them marry to whom they think best; only to the family of the tribe of their father shall they marry.

7 So shall not the inheritance of the children of Israel remove from tribe to tribe: for every one of the children of Israel shall keep himself to the inheritance of the tribe of his fathers.

8 And every daughter, that possesseth an inheritance in any tribe of the children of Israel, shall be wife unto one of the family of the tribe of her father, that the children of Israel may enjoy every man the inheritance of his fathers.

9 Neither shall the inheritance remove from one tribe to another tribe; but every one of the tribes of the children of Israel shall keep himself to his own inheritance.

10 Even as the LORD commanded Moses, so did the daughters of Zelophehad:

11 For Mahlah, Tirzah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Noah, the daughters of Zelophehad, were married unto their father’s brothers’ sons:

12 And they were married into the families of the sons of Manasseh the son of Joseph, and their inheritance remained in the tribe of the family of their father.

13 These are the commandments and the judgments, which the LORD commanded by the hand of Moses unto the children of Israel in the plains of Moab by Jordan near Jericho.

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
—
Deuteronomy 23.1

God really lays down the law in Deuteronomy. And he insists that you follow it, exactly as written without adding to or subtracting from it. The law applies to everyone for all time. No excuses. (See 28.15-68 for a list of things God will do to you if you refuse to obey.)

Of course the first thing you’ll have to do is kill people. Lots and lots of people.

Here’s just a partial list:

• Kill any prophets or “dreamers of dreams” if they say or dream the wrong things.
  13.1-5
  ,
  18.20
  
• Kill everyone with religious beliefs that are different than your own. (Including your family, friends, and neighbors)
  13.6-10
  ,
  13.12-16
  ,
  17.2-7
  
• Kill rebellious or disobedient sons
  21.18-21
  , adulterers
  22.22
  , and rape victims if they fail to cry out loud enough.
  22.23-24
  

Besides killing, though, there are some other things that you must do:

• Destroy the altars, images, and places of worship of those with different religions.
  7.5
  
• Cut off a woman’s hand if she touches the “secrets” of a man who is fighting with her husband. “And thine eye shall not pity her.”
  25.11-12
  

And then there are a few miscellaneous rules and guidelines:

• If you see a pretty woman among the captives then just take her home and “go in unto her.”
  21.11-14
  
• Rules for a man with two wives: “one beloved, and another hated.”
  21.15
  
• How to dispose of a hated wife.
  22.13-22
  
• Women that wear men’s clothing are “abominations unto the Lord.”
  22.5
  
• Don’t “wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woolen and linen together.”
  22.11
  
• Women, be sure to keep the tokens of your virginity. Otherwise the men of your city may stone you to death.
  22.13-21
  
• A rapist must buy his victim from her father for 50 shekels.
  22.28-29
  
• You can’t go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.
  23.1
  
• A bastard can’t attend church “even to his tenth generation.”
  23.2
  
• God’s rule for wet dreams.
  23.10
  
• How to shit in the woods so that God doesn’t step in it.
  23.12-14
  
• How to divorce your wife if you find “some uncleanness in her.”
  24.1-4
  

If you don’t obey all of these laws, God will (among many other things) smite you with hemorrhoids, madness, and blindness, burn or starve you to death, have some animals eat you, and snakes bite you. If you still refuse to obey, he will have your wife raped and force you eat your own children.
28.15-68
,
32.23-25

Any questions?

1
These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel
on this side Jordan in the wilderness, in the plain over against the Red sea, between Paran, and Tophel, and Laban, and Hazeroth, and Dizahab.

(1.1)
“These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel.”
135 Who wrote the Pentateuch?

2 (There are eleven days’ journey from Horeb by the way of mount Seir unto Kadesh-barnea.)

3 And it came to pass in the fortieth year, in the eleventh month, on the first day of the month, that Moses spake unto the children of Israel, according unto all that the LORD had given him in commandment unto them;

4 After he had slain Sihon the king of the Amorites, which dwelt in Heshbon, and Og the king of Bashan, which dwelt at Astaroth in Edrei:

5 On this side Jordan, in the land of Moab, began Moses to declare this law, saying,

6 The LORD our God spake unto us in Horeb, saying, Ye have dwelt long enough in this mount:

7 Turn you, and take your journey, and go to the mount of the Amorites, and unto all the places nigh thereunto, in the plain, in the hills, and in the vale, and in the south, and by the sea side, to the land of the Canaanites, and unto Lebanon, unto the great river, the river Euphrates.

8 Behold, I have set the land before you: go in and possess the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give unto them and to their seed after them.

9 And I spake unto you at that time, saying, I am not able to bear you myself alone:

10 The LORD your God hath multiplied you, and, behold, ye are this day as the stars of heaven for multitude.

11 (The LORD God of your fathers make you a thousand times so many more as ye are, and bless you, as he hath promised you!)

12 How can I myself alone bear your cumbrance, and your burden, and your strife?

13 Take you wise men, and understanding, and known among your tribes, and I will make them rulers over you.

14 And ye answered me, and said, The thing which thou hast spoken is good for us to do.

15 So I took the chief of your tribes, wise men, and known, and made them heads over you, captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, and captains over fifties, and captains over tens, and officers among your tribes.

16 And I charged your judges at that time, saying, Hear the causes between your brethren, and judge righteously between every man and his brother, and the stranger that is with him.

17 Ye shall not respect persons in judgment; but ye shall hear the small as well as the great; ye shall not be afraid of the face of man; for the judgment is God’s: and the cause that is too hard for you, bring it unto me, and I will hear it.

18 And I commanded you at that time all the things which ye should do.

19 And when we departed from Horeb, we went through all that great and terrible wilderness, which ye saw by the way of the mountain of the Amorites, as the LORD our God commanded us; and we came to Kadesh-barnea.

20 And I said unto you, Ye are come unto the mountain of the Amorites, which the LORD our God doth give unto us.

21 Behold, the LORD thy God hath set the land before thee: go up and possess it, as the LORD God of thy fathers hath said unto thee; fear not, neither be discouraged.

22 And ye came near unto me every one of you, and said, We will send men before us, and they shall search us out the land, and bring us word again by what way we must go up, and into what cities we shall come.

23 And the saying pleased me well: and I took twelve men of you, one of a tribe:

24 And they turned and went up into the mountain, and came unto the valley of Eshcol, and searched it out.

25 And they took of the fruit of the land in their hands, and brought it down unto us, and brought us word again, and said, It is a good land which the LORD our God doth give us.

26 Notwithstanding ye would not go up, but rebelled against the commandment of the LORD your God:

27 And ye murmured in your tents, and said, Because the LORD hated us, he hath brought us forth out of the land of Egypt, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us.

28 Whither shall we go up? our brethren have discouraged our heart, saying,
The people is greater and taller than we
; the cities are great and walled up to heaven; and moreover
we have seen the sons of the Anakims there
.

(1.28)
“The people is greater and taller than we … we have seen the sons of the Anakims there.”
Giants in the promised land.