The Skeptics Annotated Bible (256 page)

14 And the women said unto Naomi, Blessed be the LORD, which hath not left thee this day without a kinsman, that his name may be famous in Israel.

15 And he shall be unto thee a restorer of thy life, and a nourisher of thine old age: for thy daughter in law, which loveth thee, which is better to thee than seven sons, hath born him.

16 And
Naomi took the child, and laid it in her bosom, and became nurse unto it.

(4.16) “Naomi took the child, and laid it in her bosom, and became nurse unto it.” In the first chapter of Ruth (1.11), Naomi is too old to conceive, but now she functions as a wet nurse.

17 And the women her neighbours gave it a name, saying, There is a son born to Naomi; and
they called his name Obed: he is the father of Jesse, the father of David.

(4.17)
“They called his name Obed: he is the father of Jesse, the father of David.”
152 Has any Moabite ever entered the congregation of the Lord?

18 Now these are the generations of Pharez: Pharez begat Hezron,

19 And Hezron begat Ram, and Ram begat Amminadab,

20 And Amminadab begat Nahshon, and Nahshon begat Salmon,

21 And Salmon begat Boaz, and Boaz begat Obed,

22 And Obed begat Jesse, and Jesse begat David.

Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.
—
1 Samuel 15.3

First Samuel for Skeptics

There are a few Bible verses that everyone should know. One of these is 1 Samuel 15.3, where God orders Saul to kill every Amalekite “man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.” Saul failed to kill everyone and everything, so God gave Saul’s kingdom to David, who was always happy to kill anyone for God.

But there are other great stories in 1 Samuel. Did you hear the one about how David bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins? Or how God smote the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts? Or how he asked them to make him five golden hemorrhoids? There’s lots of other stuff like that that you just won’t find anywhere else.

Here are some of the highlights:

• God smites the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
  5.9
  
• He asks the Philistines to make him five golden hemorrhoids.
  6.4-5
  
• He kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark of the Lord.
  6.19
  
• “I will make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes.”
  11.2
  
• The spirit of the Lord comes upon Samuel so he hacks some oxen in pieces and sends the pieces to all the coasts of Israel.
  11.7
  
• God orders Saul to kill every Amalekite “man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.”
  15.3
  
• He repents of having made Saul king since Saul refused to carry out God’s commandments (i.e., Saul refused to commit complete genocide on the Amalekites.)
  15.11
  ,
  18
  
• Saul is haunted by “an evil spirit from the Lord.”
  16.14-16
  ,
  23
  ,
  18.10
  ,
  19.9
  
• David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins (twice the asking price).
  18.25-27
  
• Killing those that “pisseth against the wall.”
  25.22
  ,
  25.34
  
• David kills all the Amalekites again (see
  15.7-8
  where Saul kills them all the first time).
  27.8-11
  
• Saul has a witch bring back Samuel from the dead.
  28.8-15
  
• After being completely killed off by Saul (
  15.7-8
  ) and then David (
  27.8-11
  ), the Amalekites invade again.
  30.1
  

1
Now there was a certain man of Ramathaim-zophim, of mount Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah, the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephrathite:

2 And
he had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah
, and the name of the other Peninnah: and Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

(1.2)
“He
[Samuel’s father]
had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah.”
16 Is polygamy OK?

3 And this man went up out of his city yearly to worship and to sacrifice unto the LORD of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, the priests of the LORD, were there.

4 And when the time was that Elkanah offered, he gave to Peninnah his wife, and to all her sons and her daughters, portions:

5 But unto Hannah he gave a worthy portion; for he loved Hannah: but
the LORD had shut up her womb.

(1.5)
“The Lord had shut up her
[Hannah’s]
womb.”

6 And her adversary also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the LORD had shut up her womb.

7 And as he did so year by year, when she went up to the house of the LORD, so she provoked her; therefore she wept, and did not eat.

8 Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?

9 So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the LORD.