The Skeptics Annotated Bible (56 page)

50
And Joseph fell upon his father’s face, and wept upon him, and kissed him.

2 And Joseph commanded his servants the physicians to embalm his father: and the physicians embalmed Israel.

3 And forty days were fulfilled for him; for so are fulfilled the days of those which are embalmed: and the Egyptians mourned for him threescore and ten days.

4 And when the days of his mourning were past, Joseph spake unto the house of Pharaoh, saying, If now I have found grace in your eyes, speak, I pray you, in the ears of Pharaoh, saying,

5 My father made me swear, saying, Lo, I die: in my grave which I have digged for me in the land of Canaan, there shalt thou bury me. Now therefore let me go up, I pray thee, and bury my father, and I will come again.

6 And Pharaoh said, Go up, and bury thy father, according as he made thee swear.

7 And Joseph went up to bury his father: and with him went up all the servants of Pharaoh, the elders of his house, and all the elders of the land of Egypt,

8 And all the house of Joseph, and his brethren, and his father’s house: only their little ones, and their flocks, and their herds, they left in the land of Goshen.

9 And there went up with him both chariots and horsemen: and it was a very great company.

10 And they came to the threshingfloor of Atad, which is beyond Jordan, and there they mourned with a great and very sore lamentation: and he made a mourning for his father seven days.

11 And when the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites, saw the mourning in the floor of Atad, they said, This is a grievous mourning to the Egyptians: wherefore the name of it was called Abel-mizraim, which is beyond Jordan.

12 And his sons did unto him according as he commanded them:

13 For his sons carried him into the land of Canaan, and buried him
in the cave of the field of Machpelah
, which Abraham bought with the field for a possession of a buryingplace of Ephron the Hittite, before Mamre.

(50.13)
“In the cave of the field of Machpelah”
85 Where was Jacob buried?

14 And Joseph returned into Egypt, he, and his brethren, and all that went up with him to bury his father, after he had buried his father.

15 And when Joseph’s brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him.

16 And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying,

17 So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil: and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him.

18 And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants.

19 And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God?

20 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

21 Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

22 And Joseph dwelt in Egypt, he, and his father’s house: and Joseph lived an hundred and ten years.

23 And Joseph saw Ephraim’s children of the third generation: the children also of Machir the son of Manasseh were brought up upon Joseph’s knees.

24 And
Joseph said unto his brethren, I die
: and God will surely visit you, and bring you out of this land unto the land which he sware to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.

(50.24)
“Joseph said unto his brethren, I die.”
Contrary to the prophecy (48.21), Joseph died in Egypt, not Israel.

25 And Joseph took an oath of the children of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you, and ye shall carry up my bones from hence.

26 So Joseph died, being an hundred and ten years old: and they embalmed him, and he was put in a coffin in Egypt.

If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and … if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.
—
Exodus 21:20-21

Exodus shows the quirkiness of God. Who else would:

• Show off by turning staffs into snakes and sending blood, frogs, lice, flies, and boils to punish people?
  
• Kill all the firstborn children (and animals) in a kingdom for something that the king did? [And he only did it (whatever the hell it was) after God hardened his heart ten times.]
  
• Give instructions for buying a slave, selling a daughter, or taking a second wife?
  
• Command you to kill witches, heretics, disobedient children, and Sabbath breakers?
  
• Punish children for their parents sins (unto the third and fourth generations)?
  
• Tell you to kill your brother, friend, companion, and neighbor?
  

Only the God of the Bible does such things. And if you can still believe in him after reading Exodus, then your heart has been sufficiently hardened by him.

Here are some highlights:

• God teaches Moses some magic tricks.
  4.2-9
  ,
  7.8-11
  ,
  7.17-20
  
• He hardens the Pharaoh’s heart.
  4.21
  ,
  7.3
  ,
  7.13
  ,
  9.12
  ,
  10.1
  ,
  10.20
  ,
  10.27
  ,
  11.10
  ,
  14.4
  ,
  14.8
  
• He tries to kill Moses.
  4.24-25
  
• God’s first plague on the Egyptians: Rivers turned to blood. (Pharaoh’s magicians knew this trick, too.)
  7.17-22
  
• Second Plague: Frogs. (Pharaoh’s magicians do likewise.)
  8.2-7
  
• Third Plague: Lice. (Pharaoh’s magicians couldn’t do this one!)
  8.16-18
  
• Fourth Plague: Flies.
  8.21-24
  
• Fifth Plague: God kills the cattle.
  9.3
  
• Sixth Plague: Boils.
  9.9
  
• Seventh Plague: Hail.
  9:19
  
• Eighth Plague: Locusts.
  10.5
  
• Ninth Plague: Darkness.
  10.21
  
• Tenth Plague: God kills firstborn children and animals.
  12.29-30
  
• God drowns the Egyptian army.
  14.27-28
  
• God punishes the children for the sins of their fathers (unto the third and fourth generations).
  20.5
  ,
  34.7
  
• Instructions for for buying a slave, selling your daughter, and taking a second wife.
  21.2
  ,
  7
  ,
  10
  
• You must kill those who curse or strike their parents (
  21.15
  ,
  17
  ), worship another god (
  22.20
  ), or break the Sabbath (
  31.14-15
  ,
  35.2
  )
  
• It’s OK to beat a slave as long as he lives a day or two “for he is his money.”
  21.20-21
  
• God’s law on abortion. (It is not murder.)
  21.22
  
• God tells every man to slay “his brother, companion, neighbor.”
  32.27
  
• “And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made.”
  32.35
  
• God shows Moses his “back parts.”
  33.23
  
• God’s name is “Jealous.”
  34.14
  

1
Now these are the names of the children of Israel, which came into Egypt; every man and his household came with Jacob.

2 Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah,

3 Issachar, Zebulun, and Benjamin,

4 Dan, and Naphtali, Gad, and Asher.

(1.5-7)
Population explosion!
The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to more than a million (Ex 12.37, 38.26, Num 1.45-46) in about four hundred years.

5 And
all the souls that came out of the loins of Jacob were seventy souls
: for Joseph was in Egypt already.

(1.5)
“All the souls that came out of the loins of Jacob were seventy souls.”
83 How many were in Jacob’s family when they came into Egypt?

6 And Joseph died, and all his brethren, and all that generation.

7 And
the children of Israel were fruitful, and increased abundantly, and multiplied, and waxed exceeding mighty; and the land was filled with them.

(1.7)
“The children of Israel were fruitful, and increased abundantly, and multiplied, and waxed exceeding mighty; and the land was filled with them.”

8 Now there arose up a new king over Egypt, which knew not Joseph.

9 And he said unto his people, Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we:

10 Come on, let us deal wisely with them; lest they multiply, and it come to pass, that, when there falleth out any war, they join also unto our enemies, and fight against us, and so get them up out of the land.

11 Therefore they did set over them taskmasters to afflict them with their burdens. And they built for Pharaoh treasure cities, Pithom and Raamses.

12 But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew. And they were grieved because of the children of Israel.

13 And the Egyptians made the children of Israel to serve with rigour:

14 And they made their lives bitter with hard bondage, in morter, and in brick, and in all manner of service in the field: all their service, wherein they made them serve, was with rigour.