The Skeptics Annotated Bible (867 page)

Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost.
—
Acts 5.9-10

There are lots of firsts in the Book of Acts: the first transporter operations (
1.10-11
,
8.39-40
), the first speaking in tongues (
2.4
,
10.45-46
,
19.6
), the first communists (
2.44-45
), the first prayer-caused earthquake (
4.31
), the first Christian couple scared to death by God (
5.5
,
10
), the first holy prison breaks (
5.19
,
12.7
,
16.26
), the first shadow healing (
5.15-16
), the first handkerchief healing (
19.12
), the first person blinded by Jesus (
9.8-9
), the first person blinded by a Christian (
13.8-11
), the first talking ghost (
13.2
), the first vow-induced shaved head (
18.18
), the first (and only) school mentioned in the Bible (
19.9
), The first naked Jewish exorcists (
19.13-16
), the first Christian book burning (
19.19
), the first boring sermon casualty (
20.9
), the first Holy Ghost-delivered girdle message (
21.10-11
), The first dust-throwing, naked, murderous Jewish mob (
22.22-23
), the first hunger strike (
23.12
), and the first (and only) poisonous snake on the island of Malta (
28.3-6
).

Highlights:

• While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) tell the disciples that Jesus will return in the same way he just left them (by beaming up/down via transporter).
  1.10-11
  
• Whoopie! It’s Pentecost: A mighty wind comes, cloven tongues of fire sit on top of heads, everyone acts drunk and talks in languages they don’t understand.
  2.2-13
  
• Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in "the last days."
  2.17
  
• Imagine no possessions: The early Christians were the first communists.
  2.44-45
  ,
  4.32-35
  
• Peter and God scare Ananias and his wife Sapphira to death.
  5.1-10
  
• The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter.
  5.15-16
  
• Holy prison breaks.
  5.19
  ,
  12.7
  ,
  16.26
  
• The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away.
  8.39-40
  
• The road to Damascus (three different versions)
  9.3-6
  ,
  22.6-10
  ,
  26.13-15
  
• Jesus blinds Paul.
  9.8-9
  
• Peter has a dream in which God shows him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." A voice says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat."
  10.10-13
  ,
  11.5-10
  
• More speaking in tongues.
  10.45-46
  ,
  19.1-6
  ,
  
• If a husband believes, his whole family is automatically saved.
  11.13-14
  ,
  16.31
  
• The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms"
  12.23
  
• Paul and the Holy Ghost make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind.
  13.8-11
  
• The blasphemous, envious, murderous Jews.
  5.30
  ;
  7.51-52
  ;
  9.17-18
  ;
  10.39
  ;
  12.1-3
  ;
  13.45-46
  ,
  50
  ;
  14.2-5
  ;
  17.5
  ,
  13
  ;
  18.5-6
  ,
  12
  ;
  20.19
  ;
  21.17-40
  ;
  23.12
  ,
  27
  ;
  26.21
  
• The Holy Ghost forbids Paul to preach in Asia.
  16.6-7
  
• Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul.
  19.12
  
• The first Christian book burning.
  19.19
  
• Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons.
  20.9
  
• After listening to Paul’s speech, everyone took off their clothes, threw dust in the air, and told the soldiers to kill him.
  22.22-23
  
• The first hunger strike: "The Jews banded together, and bound themselves under a curse, saying that they would neither eat nor drink till they had killed Paul."
  23.12
  
• Paul’s Malta snakebite story. (There are no poisonous snakes on Malta.)
  28.3-6
  

1
The former treatise have I made, O Theophilus, of all that Jesus began both to do and teach,

2
Until the day in which he was taken up
, after that he through the Holy Ghost had given commandments unto the apostles whom he had chosen:

(1.1-2)
“The former treatise have I made
[the gospel of Luke]
, O Theophilus, of all that Jesus began both to do and teach, Until the day in which he was taken up.”
447 Did Luke include everything that Jesus did?

(1.3, 9) Jesus ascended into heaven 40 days after his resurrection.
428 When did Jesus ascend into heaven?

3 To whom also
he shewed himself alive
after his passion by many infallible proofs, being seen of them
forty days
, and speaking of the things pertaining to the kingdom of God:

(1.3)
“He shewed himself alive … forty days.”

4 And, being assembled together with them,
commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem
, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me.

(1.4)
“
[Jesus]
commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem.”
412 Where did Jesus tell his disciples to go after his resurrection?

5 For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.

6 When they therefore were come together, they asked of him, saying, Lord, wilt thou at this time restore again the kingdom to Israel?

7 And he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power.

8 But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and
ye shall be witnesses
unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and
in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.

(1.8) “Ye shall be witnesses … in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.”
352 Should the gospel be preached to everyone?

9 And
when he had spoken these things
, while they beheld,
he was taken up
; and a cloud received him out of their sight.

(1.9)
“When he had spoken these things … he was taken up.”
(1.10-11) While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) stop by to tell the disciples that Jesus will return in the same way he just left them (by beaming up/down via transporter).

10 And
while they looked stedfastly toward heaven as he went up, behold, two men stood by them in white apparel
;

(1.10)
“While they looked stedfastly toward heaven as he went up, behold, two men stood by them in white apparel.”

11 Which also said,
Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven?
this same
Jesus, which is taken up from you into heaven, shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven.

(1.11a)
“Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven?”
This verse was used by a Dominican friar to discourage the use of Galileo’s telescope. (Notice the pun on Galileo’s name in “men of Galilee”.)

(1.11b)
“Jesus, which is taken up from you into heaven, shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven.”

12 Then returned they unto Jerusalem from the mount called Olivet, which is from Jerusalem a sabbath day’s journey.

13 And when they were come in, they went up into an upper room, where abode both Peter, and James, and John, and Andrew, Philip, and Thomas, Bartholomew, and Matthew, James the son of Alphaeus, and Simon Zelotes, and
Judas the brother of James.