The Sky Is Dead (5 page)

“You know most of it is just talk to make them look good.”

Harry won’t look me in the eye. “Is it? They seem to know what they’re talking about, and I see them with their tongues down each other’s throat all the time.” He lapses into moody silence, and this time I wait. “I haven’t even kissed a boy.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Yes. I want to know what it’s like.”

I lie down and stare up at the sky. “Then go find one to kiss.”

“I don’t want to kiss any boy. I want to kiss you,” he hisses.

Like I didn’t know that! I’m not blind. I know Harry’s been working his way toward this for weeks. We’ve known each other four months, and he has been hinting for at least half that time. Before the school summer holidays, I could see him begging me with his eyes to kiss him, but I ignored the pleas. After his exams, he went to America to visit his dad for over a month. I’d hoped while he was out there he’d find a holiday romance, but when he came back, he was waiting for me again, tall and tanned, his brown hair sun-bleached and shaggy, and the need was still hot in his eyes.

“I’m not going to kiss you,” I say, not looking at him, and certainly not looking at his mouth.

“Why not? I’m not that ugly, am I?”

I roll over to look at him. “Now you’re being fucking stupid, Harry Cooper. The last thing you want is your first kiss from a loser like me.” I’m taken aback by the fierce expression he turns on me. “What?”

“
You’re
the fucking idiot if you think what you are makes any difference to the way I feel about you.”

His voice gets louder, and I can see a couple of mums look over. “Harry….”

Harry shakes his head furiously. “No, you can stop right there. If you don’t want me, then say so, but you don’t get to tell me how I feel about you.”

“For Christ’s sake, Harry, shut up.” The kid is bellowing it to the whole park.

“Don’t you tell me to shut up!”

For fuck’s sake!
I get up.

“Where are you going?” he asks, sounding uncertain now.

“I’m getting us away from the mums.” I keep walking, knowing he’ll follow me.

“So why won’t you kiss me?” He’s like a dog with a fucking bone.

“Because you don’t want to kiss someone who never cleans their teeth.” I’m suddenly yanked to a halt.

He swings me around to face him. “You’re worried about bad breath?” he asks incredulously.

“You mean you’re not?” I counter. “You wanna remember your first kiss and passing out from stinky breath?” I’m trying to lighten the mood but from the look on his face, I failed.

“God, you’re….” He stomps about ten paces and then spins round to face me. “You really are a fucking idiot, Danny.” Then he leaves me, and I stare after him.

I shove my hands in the pockets of my jacket as I watch him go, not sure whether I should run after him or not. In the end I decide to let him go. He’ll be back, and if not, maybe that’s for the best. I’m getting too comfortable, too dependent on him. It’s time to let him go.

I
WAKE
the next day to find a small plastic bag by my ankle. My hand shakes as I look inside. Someone knows I’m here, and more worryingly, I didn’t wake up when they left the bag. I pull out a new toothbrush, toothpaste, and a bottle of water, plus a large bottle of mouthwash.

The shit. He’s not leaving me any fucking excuses. He wants me to kiss him. I wrestle with the cardboard and plastic wrapper of the toothbrush.

“Could’ve left me some bloody scissors.”

I think briefly about dumping the whole lot and going back to sleep, but he wants me to kiss him, and I’m wrapped around this kid’s little finger.

It takes a long time to clean my teeth, and I wince at the amount of blood I spit into the basin of the gents. My mum would have had kittens and dragged me off to the dentist. I rinse with the mouthwash, pulling a face at the taste.

It’s not just my teeth. I need a shower as well. The thought of Harry close to me when I stink makes me feel nauseous. Being dirty is part of my life. I’ve given up trying to stay clean. But I can’t touch Harry when I’m so filthy and for once, I decide to make use of the facilities at the shelter. If I get there early enough, there might be some hot water left.

I am early enough to get a hot shower, and even to wash my hair, not that washing the matted dreads makes much difference. Ben is at work, but Greg hands me a note asking if I’ll look at the curtain rail in the women’s room, as it’s loose. It makes me feel good I can help in a small way.

My afternoon is spent much like the one before, dozing in the park, but this time there’s a frisson of anticipation, excitement curling in my gut again. I’ve cleaned my teeth again—just in case.

I wake up when I hear a thump next to me. I open one eye to see Harry digging around in his backpack.

“Hey,” I mumble.

“Hi.” He sounds distant, and I realize I’ve got some making up to do. Jeez, I didn’t think I’d get the chick-flick moments with boys.

I sit up and smile at him. “Thanks for the stuff.”

Harry nods. “Cool.”

“I’ve used it.”

“Cool.”

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

He turns a cold eye on me. “You gonna kiss me now?”

“Here?”

Now I see a tiny crack of a smile. “Not unless you want us to get beaten up.”

I shake my head. “Why don’t we wait a while until the mums go, then find somewhere quieter?”

I see him wanting to argue, demand that I take him somewhere quiet and kiss the hell out of him, but my idea makes sense and Harry’s a sensible guy.

When I do lead him to a corner of the park that’s out of sight, he’s vibrating next to me. I pray to the God I don’t believe in that I can do this right, because I’ve only ever kissed one boy. I never let a john kiss me.

Once we’re out of sight, I turn to face Harry and cup his face. He closes his eyes and tilts his head, waiting patiently.

“Are you sure you want it to be me?” I ask.

“Yes.”

Nothing else. Just yes.

I place my mouth on his and feel him shudder in my arms. It’s not like being kissed by Steve, who topped me from our first fumblings. Harry needs guidance, needs me to press and coax him to open his mouth. Our first kiss is little more than a press of lips. But the second, third, and fourth… each one is different. We explore each other’s mouths sweetly and gently, mash our lips together with a clack of teeth, nip and lick until he moans. This isn’t Disney. It’s wet and imperfect, but it’s Harry’s first time and I’m going to make sure he remembers it for all the right reasons.

He’s hard, unconsciously rubbing against my hip. I’m hard too, turned on by the boy in my arms. But that can wait. I don’t want to push Harry too far. I shove him up against a tree to change the angle of our kissing. I don’t think he even notices, lost in the feel of our loving. He’s put his hands on my arse, and he’s pulling me as close as he can.

I decide to break the kiss before it gets too heated. The park in daylight is not the place to be giving each other hand jobs or blow jobs. Harry whimpers as I step back, chasing my mouth as we part. I rub his swollen lips with my thumb.

“There are too many people around. We need to be careful.” His eyes slowly focus again. “Okay?” He nods and takes his hands off my backside. I step back and grin at him. “So, do you think that was okay for your first kiss?”

Harry licks his lips. “Not bad. Not bad at all.” He pulls a face and presses down on the tent in his jeans. “Might need to wait before we go back out there.”

“Me too.”

It’s hard not to lose it when he looks down at my erection. Jogging bottoms hide nothing. When he licks his lips again, I have to turn away before I’m begging him to suck me off. From the look in his eyes, Harry’s soon going to be asking for more than a kiss. He’s only sixteen. Just sixteen. Legal.

Sixteen Harry might be, but the boy is anything but sweet. His gaze drops again to fix on the tent in my joggers, and he reaches out to touch it. His touch, gentle as it is, makes me hiss. It won’t take much to make me blow. He snatches his hand back as if he’s done something wrong, and his cheeks burn red.

Fuck it! I take him by the wrist and put his hand back where it was. He swallows audibly and flattens his palm against the bulge. I reach out to do the same to him, cursing that he’s wearing jeans and the thicker material stops me feeling him fully.

“Can’t do too much here,” I say, my voice a hoarse whisper.

He nods, but he doesn’t stop touching me. I’m almost at the point of throwing caution to the wind when I hear rustling of leaves, and a small dog charges through the trees. We step back, moving our hands away guiltily. The dog stops to size us up, decides we’re not interesting, and runs away. Harry looks at me, clearly wanting to resume matters, but my heart is pounding too hard.

“It’s too light,” I say. “Too many people around. Can you come back this evening?”

He nods although he’s clearly disappointed. “I’ll be back about seven.”

The park has open access, so he doesn’t have to climb a gate to reach me. Since Harry started the sixth form, his mum is more relaxed about him going out in the evening. He spends most evenings with me, until about nine, when I walk him back to his house.

Before I can respond, he steps forward and kisses me again. He’s still not confident, but the touch of his mouth lights a fire in my belly. I pull him against me and mash our mouths together. We are both panting when we finally pull apart, and it’s the hardest thing to let him walk away from me.

T
O
GIVE
myself something else to think about, I hang about at the shelter, talking to Lil and Billy. I notice Lil’s looking thin and drawn, and Billy is sitting real close to her. I bring over three mugs of hot chocolate and sit with them after dinner. Lil looks tired, and Billy draws her in for a hug. Even though it’s stupid, envy coils in my gut at their obvious closeness.

Since Steve’s betrayal, I’ve never wanted to get close to anyone. There has been a growing anger in me at the way I lost everything and Steve lost nothing. My parents cared so little about me they threw me out for one kiss. Steve cared so little he got a girlfriend even before I was out of the picture. I know he was sixteen, but so was I, and I loved him and needed him. I watch Lil and Billy, and hurt just a little more.

When I take the mugs back to the counter, Greg looks over at the couple and I follow his gaze. Billy is stroking her face and she’s leaning into the caress.

“I think the doc ought to look at Lil,” I say. “She’s been a bit pale lately.”

Greg shakes his head. “He already has.”

“What is it? Anemia?” It’s a common problem for the homeless, with our poor diet.

“You know I can’t tell you that.”

No, he can’t, but between the sadness in his face and the way Billy is acting, I get the feeling Lil’s got more wrong with her than a simple blood disorder.

“Is it serious?” I ask.

“It’s up to Lil to tell you, but, yeah, it’s serious.”

It’s more than serious, but I don’t find that out until later.

I wander back to the park just before seven. Harry is already waiting for me under my bush. It makes me laugh how at home he’s made himself, wrapped up in one of the hospital blankets.

“Hi.” I flop down beside him with a grateful sigh.

“Hi.”

Before I can breathe, Harry rolls me onto my back and straddles my thighs.

“Wow, you happy to see me?” I ask, grinning up at him.

“Always,” he says and bends down to brush my lips.

I wrap my arms around him to kiss properly, but Harry squeaks, and I let him go.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Something’s digging into my ribs.” He pats my pocket.

“Oh!” I pull out the toothbrush and toothpaste. “I wanted to be prepared,” I say, embarrassed.

He grins at me. “How sweet.”

I try and push him off, aware my cheeks are burning, but he doesn’t let me go. “You
are
sweet,” he says.

“Girls are sweet. I’m not a girl,” I growl.

He deliberately rolls on my groin. “Yeah, got that.” The little fucker is going to have me creaming my joggers.

“Thought you wanted a kiss.”

He thrusts against me again. “I want to do more than kiss.”

I catch hold of his hands, which are fumbling at my waistband. “Wait.”

Harry frowns, but he does stop. “What now?”

“You’re sixteen. I’m not going to… to….”

“Fuck me? You don’t want to fuck me?” He tries to get off me, but I’m still holding his hands. “Let go of me.”

“No. Stop struggling. I just want to talk to you.”

“You don’t want me. You just said so.”

I close my eyes in exasperation. “Harry, you’re sixteen….”

“And boys my age fuck. We’ve already had this conversation.”

“They
talk
about fucking—a lot.”

“You were with Steve.”

“Steve and me, we’d been friends for years.”

He looks at me uncertainly. “You’re telling me I have to wait for years before you’ll fuck me?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Then….”

“I get fucked to earn money,” I say, more harshly than I intended, because I feel him flinch.

“You’re a hooker?” He tugs on his hands and this time I let him go. He rolls off me and brings his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them defensively.

This isn’t the way I intended the evening to go. I sit up and shuffle over to him, then pull him into a hug. “I’m not a hooker, but, yeah, sometimes I need money and this is the way I earn it.”

“Can’t you get a proper job?” Harry sniffles, and I realize he’s trying hard not to cry.
Way to go to stamp on a kid’s dreams of a first time, Danny.

“No, not like most people. I need somewhere to live. An address.”

He looks up, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Don’t you want a home like everyone else?”

“We’ve had this discussion,” I remind him gently.

“But….”

“But nothing. To get a home I need to get into a program, and to do that I need to give up my independence. And I’m not going to do that. Not now. Not ever.”