The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (27 page)

Surprisingly, it was not underpaid immigrant landscapers that supporters of a mandated minimum wage were trying to protect, but rather scores of overly ambitious women who had developed an enormous appetite for joining their male counterparts in the ever-expanding workplace. The time-honored tradition of cooking, cleaning, and satisfying your husband's every sexual desire was on the way out.
AS MORE AND MORE WOMEN MOVED AWAY FROM THEIR TRADITIONAL ROLE OF BABY INCUBATOR AND FULL-TIME HOMEMAKER, ATTENTION BEGAN TO FOCUS ON WHAT A FAIR AND JUST WAGE SHOULD BE.

The state of Massachusetts enacted a law that provided a wage floor for employees with or without external genitalia. This floor was the first time that any state government dictated the value of an American worker.

Over the next eleven years, fourteen more states, the District of Columbia and the, “We want to be part of the union; we don't want to be part of the union,” conflicted island of Puerto Rico all jumped on the wage-mandating train. Most of the governments set up regulatory boards that ensured that the lowest allowable wage was equal to the local cost of living. For example, the wage calculation may turn out to be $0.55 an hour in Atlanta while it equals out to two tacos and a bean burrito in Puerto Rico.

This explosion of enthusiasm for government-backed higher wages resulted in the business community fighting back to protect their ability to pay women a discouraging low wage. They felt so strongly about the inequality of women's efforts that they began arguing their case to abandon minimum wage laws in front of the Supreme Court in 1923.

POINTING TO THE “FACT” THAT A WHITE MALE CAN DO THE WORK OF TWO WOMEN AND A BLACK MAN, NEW JERSEY'S FINEST COURTROOM ATTORNEY AND MY COUSIN VINNY LEAD VINCENT GAMBINI CONVINCED THE SUPREME COURT THAT THE ENFORCEMENT OF WAGE FLOORS WAS DISCRIMINATORY TO HARD WORKING WHITE MALES.
This argument proved to have some legs, as the Supreme Court struck down minimum-wage laws, and the ability to pay peasant-like wages to women quickly returned, exotic dancers being the exception.

A decade and a half later, sympathizer to the poor President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Fair Labor Standards Act, which was a federal law that required American workers to receive a minimum of twenty-five cents an hour for their time and effort while at work. Critics claim that the minimum wage hurts small business owners, while proponents claim it helps motivate workers. But if you are cleaning up shit in a McDonald's bathroom for minimum wage, the motivation bird has probably already flown the coop. Although the federal minimum wage has been adjusted over the last several decades, Florida farmers have continued to enjoy their agricultural exemption and continue to pay the illegals picking their citrus the original twenty-five cents an hour outlined in 1938.

In 1919, at the end of World War I, a defeated and disgruntled Germany signed the punishing treaty of Versailles. This treaty proved to be unpopular with the German government, as it limited their military, gave away large amounts of their land, and worst of all, set a curfew and limited drinking at their Oktoberfest celebrations.

In 1933, the rising German “politician” Adolf Hitler, fan of the “drink till you puke and then drink some more” routine at past Oktoberfests, found these terms unacceptable. In short, he was pissed. When the current German president died in 1934, Hitler and the Nazi Party installed themselves as the government. As soon as Hitler gained power he bailed on the Treaty of Versailles, announced he hated Jewish people, and began drafting a strong German Army via conscription. Sensing trouble, the United States quickly passed the Neutrality Act, just to let everyone know which side we were on.

At this point, global order began to break down. Mussolini's Italian forces took over Ethiopia in 1936 for their bountiful crops and easy-to-cultivate land. Proving there was something in the air, Spain orgasmically erupted into civil war that same year, and Joseph Stalin, strong-arm dictator of the Soviet Union, began a purge of resistance in his Communist house of pain.

In 1939, the Nazi's took over the unpronounceable nation of Czechoslovakia. And although there was no full-scale war, Germany and Italy signed the so-called Pact of Steel, guaranteeing both countries' leaders would take the new Cialis once a day to ensure things were rock hard when needed. Hitler followed this up by signing a nonaggression pact with Russia in 1939, effectively covering Germany's ass from being attacked on both sides.

With war now seeming more likely than not, Britain readied its armed forces on August 31, 1939. The very next day, Germany invaded Poland. Britain, France, Australia, and, thankfully, New Zealand immediately declared war on Germany. Making sure there was no confusion, the United States again publicly stated its neutrality. With the United States playing Swiss, our friendly neighbors to the north declared war on Germany on September 10, 1939. Inspired by how quickly they crushed the resistance in their own country, Russia joined Germany in double-teaming Poland, who went down like a nympho on ecstasy. Satisfied but not completely satisfied, the Soviets quickly turned and invaded Finland, as war raged on all throughout Europe.

Germany followed up its confidence-building early victory by attacking Denmark, Norway, France, and Belgium, to name a few.
LIKE HUGH HEFNER DOES WITH WOMEN, GERMANY WAS TAKING ON COUNTRIES THREE AT A TIME.
Italy, no longer hiding its red, white, and green colors, declared war on Britain and France in June 1940. Also in June the Germans took Paris, and by August, Hitler's forces began their first bombing missions of London.

By 1941, things were Mike Ricci ugly. Showing no signs of slowing down, Germany sent its first troops to Africa and began invasions in Greece and Yugoslavia. Hitler then ignored his earlier agreement with Stalin and instead invaded his vodka-appreciating country. The confused and defense-deficient Soviets quickly signed a mutual-assistance agreement with the British. In August, the United States finally dipped its toe into the water and signed the Atlantic Charter with Great Britain.

DEPENDING ON YOUR AGE, PEARL HARBOR IS EITHER YET ANOTHER MEDIOCRE BEN AFFLECK MOVIE OR ONE OF THE SCARIEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE.
On Sunday December 7, 1941, Japanese warplanes bombed Pearl Harbor and the U.S. Naval Headquarters on the Hawaiian island of Oahu. The battlefield of World War II had spilled over onto American soil. The war was about to change.

Americans were outraged by the attack and the surprise nature of it. There was an infusion of volunteers for the U.S. military. The United States and Britain immediately declared war on Japan, and Germany, in turn, declared war on the Unites States. As the United States and Britain joined forces, the tide started to turn in favor of the Allies. By November 1942, even the Russians were starting to show some fight against the Germans.

By 1942, German and Italian troops were surrendering in Africa. Allied troops took over Sicily. Italy, showing all of the conviction of a fat man at a dessert bar, soon surrendered to the Allies and then declared war on Germany, their former ally. On June 6, 1944, American troops needed to establish a foothold in Europe to begin their operations. After much debate, Normandy, France, was chosen as the spot of choice, despite its being well fortified by German forces.

Allied troops stormed the beaches of Normandy, where they met unthinkable resistance. Before engaging, General Eisenhower was said to give the simple but inspiring command, “Full victory — nothing else.” The cost of admission into this horror flick was thousands of American lives. The beach stormers paid the price for their victory. As the plaque in the Eisenhower museum reads, “Almost 133,000 troops from England, Canada, and the United States landed on D-Day. Casualties from the three countries during the landing numbered 10,300. By June 30th, over 850,000 men, 148,000 vehicles, and 570,000 tons of supplies had landed on the Normandy shores.”

By August 25, 1944, the Allies had liberated Paris as more and more allied victories became the norm. Disappointed with the direction his attempt for world domination was going, Hitler decided he couldn't win, and on April 30, 1945, he conveniently committed suicide.

As news of his timely death spread, Germans everywhere were eagerly surrendering. Despite the writing on the wall, Japan kept on fighting, and on August 6, 1945, the United States dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan. As the message was not sinking in, America dropped a second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, Japan, on April 9, 1945, and Japan surrendered.