The Song Reader (32 page)

Patrick was desperate for this vacation. The last year had been a constant struggle to deal with the demands of teaching and the
demands of his research, not to mention the never-ending drama of the political squabbles in his department. How Lila was able to keep her distance from everything unsavory about academia was something he never really understood, though he admired her for it. She kept up with the paperwork, taught her students, and went to the necessary committee meetings—all while remaining passionately engaged in her own work in American literature. One time she told him that she could read these books a thousand times and still see new meanings in them.

Did it ever bother him that Lila was so into her books? Both of them had always worked constantly, but over the last year or so he’d been struck by the fact that they weren’t even having sex much anymore. To be fair, whenever he made his interest clear, she’d put aside her books and papers, take his hand, and lead him into their bedroom, but he felt vaguely uneasy that she never seemed to initiate sex or particularly miss it. But he put this out of his mind by reminding himself that his wife was good to him in so many other ways: from offering a sympathetic ear for his problems with his department to keeping in touch with his father whenever he was too busy or stressed to do it himself. After all the years they’d lived together, she still woke him up nearly every morning with a smile and a kiss and the coffee made. He continued to consider himself lucky.

And her devotion to literature was one of the things he’d never stopped loving about her. It was also one of the reasons she was so popular with her students and colleagues. Her enthusiasm was infectious. Even Patrick’s coworkers in the math department knew they could never come to Lila and Patrick’s apartment without leaving with an armful of books they just
had
to read. Strangely enough, these mathematicians did read a lot of Lila’s suggestions. She seemed to have that effect on everyone.

Everyone, that is, except her brother and his wife. With Ashley,
Lila didn’t really make an effort, but with Billy, she tried as hard as she did with anyone, and yet her brother never seemed to get around to reading any of the novels and plays she left for him. Why she read absolutely
everything
Billy suggested to her was a mystery, but then most of Lila and Billy’s relationship had remained mysterious. They had lunch together alone about once a month; Lila said they spent most of their time discussing “things that happened when we were younger.” He didn’t ask for specifics; he assumed it had something to do with their parents dying. Lila had told him they’d died in a car accident right before she’d started college.

At the shore house they rented that summer, Lila was determined to make progress on Billy’s latest obsession, a novel called
Gravity’s Rainbow.
Every free moment, Lila had her nose stuck in that enormous book, including one morning when they were out on the beach, under the three umbrellas it took to shade the group: one for Lila and Patrick, one for Billy and the kids—twelve-year-old Pearl, William, who was five, and ten-month-old Maisie—and one for Ashley, who was taking a nap. The girls’ names had been picked by Billy, literary names, which Ashley had agreed to because they were pretty, but she put her foot down for their son, insisting on naming him for his father rather than some imaginary person. Billy acquiesced, but insisted they call their son William, not Billy.

It would have been impossible for Billy to read at the beach while watching out for William and little Maisie. He was a good father, or at least he always seemed like a good father from Patrick’s point of view. He didn’t drink; he never hit his kids or even raised his voice to them. Of course, he must have grown tired of running around after them, especially at the shore, where there was always the danger of drowning or getting stung by a jellyfish or at the very least falling down and getting a mouthful of sand. So Lila’s suggestion that Billy let her take care of the kids for a while should have been welcome. She was trying to help. What was wrong with that?

Over the years, Ashley had alluded to Billy having a temper, saying, “He’ll get mad if we don’t” about minor things like what time they would eat Thanksgiving dinner or whether they would have sparklers on the Fourth of July. Lila rolled her eyes at these claims, insisting her brother had never gotten mad about something so trivial in his life. But here he was, that day on the beach, not only angry with Lila but shouting at her.

“If you don’t want to read
Gravity’s Rainbow,
just say so.”

“But I do want to read it. I told you it was—”

“ ‘Oh, I like this novel, Billy.’ “ His tone was sarcastic. “ ‘It’s really good.’ “ He picked up William, who was small for his age; Pearl had already escaped to her mother’s umbrella, lugging Maisie with her. “Why can’t you keep track of what’s important?” He came close to his sister and hissed, “Was it really just entertainment, Lila? Is that all it was?”

“Of course not,” she said. “I don’t know why you’re saying this to me.”

Patrick had seen his wife flinch when Billy made fun of her voice, and now he noticed that Lila was about to cry. So he stepped in, even though he was nervous, not so much about Billy turning on him—though in truth, over the years, he’d grown a little tired of Lila’s brother’s caustic “wit”—but about how his wife would react to him interfering in her relationship with her brother. He’d never done it before, but then he’d never felt like the situation so clearly demanded something of him.

“She was only trying to be nice,” Patrick said.

“And ‘nice’ is so important, isn’t it?” Billy flashed him a mean smile. He knelt down in the sand, placing William beside him, still clutching the silent boy by the wrist. “All hail the new God of Nice, the most important quality in the modern world—more important than goodness, more important than depth, and much, much more important than truth.”

Lila was standing motionless, still watching her brother. Patrick took a breath and hoped he wasn’t blushing. Had he really said anything close to what Billy was accusing him of? “I don’t think being nice is more important than goodness and truth. I think it’s unfair to categorize my position that way.”

“Of course, because that wouldn’t be nice, would it?”

Billy was staring up at him. Finally Patrick shook his head and blurted out what he was thinking. “This is beyond ridiculous.”

“Aha,” Billy sputtered. “So you do disappoint your god on occasion. Good to know.” He waited a moment, then stood up and gave Patrick a smile that looked oddly genuine. His voice sounded normal now, too, and entirely sincere. “I knew I loved you for a reason, O brother-in-law of mine.”

Patrick was thoroughly confused, but his primary reaction was relief that this hadn’t escalated further. He knew if Billy ever pushed him too far, he’d have to act, but what could he do, punch Lila’s brother? He’d never punched anyone in his life.

“Well, now that that’s settled,” Ashley said, yawning, sounding annoyed, “I’m going to take the kids back to the house for a while. Maisie is hungry and William must be, too. Pearl can help me get them some lunch.”

“I’ll go with you,” Billy said. “I’m starving.” He glanced at Lila, but his eyes settled on Patrick. “How about you guys? Are you coming along?”

“In a few minutes,” Patrick said.

“Why wait?” Lila said cheerfully. “Let’s all head back together.” She put her right hand in Patrick’s and her left hand in Billy’s. As if she were trying to glue the three of them together after her brother’s outburst. As if she were trying to show she didn’t take sides, even if one of the “sides” was her own. Patrick was even more confused, and he tried to talk to Lila about it when they were in their room, changing out of their sandy bathing suits. She’d just
gotten naked and she was shivering from the sudden blast of cold from the air-conditioner vent over by the dresser. He took her in his arms and told her it wasn’t right that Billy had yelled at her.

“He wasn’t yelling at me,” she said, stepping back. “I know it sounded like that, but Billy has always been exuberant. It’s just that he’s so passionate about everything he cares about. It matters to him in a way that it doesn’t to most people.”

It wasn’t the first time she’d explained away her brother’s bad behavior by some claim that Billy was different from most people—but it was the first time that Patrick didn’t buy it. This wasn’t Billy’s caustic wit or even just teasing. Her brother had gone off on her for no reason. It was a completely irrational way to behave.

But when he told her so, Lila insisted Billy did have a reason to be upset. That book was very important; some of her colleagues had been teaching it for years. Thomas Pynchon was one of the world’s greatest authors, and
Gravity’s Rainbow
was his masterpiece. Naturally, Billy cared that Lila read it as soon as possible. He wanted to discuss it with her before they went back to Philly on Saturday.

Patrick stood back and looked at his wife. “Okay, but why couldn’t he have been civil about it? Why didn’t he just say, ‘No thanks, keep reading’?”

“Because he felt alienated from me.” She threw her terry cloth robe on. “And that always hurts his feelings.”

“What about your feelings?” He felt frustrated as he wondered if he even understood what had just happened. “I thought you were hurt, too?”

She thought for a moment. “I was, but I should’ve known he’d react that way. I was being stupid.”

He hated Lila’s use of the word “stupid,” which she never applied to anyone but herself. He said, “You are not stupid,” firmly and forcefully, too forcefully, in fact. He sounded angry. No
wonder Lila fled into the bathroom. They never talked that way to each other.

He dressed in silence, dreading an awkward lunch with Billy and his family. Lila had put on the cheerful pink-and-white sundress that he loved, but as they made their way into the kitchen she was quiet and distant and clearly still upset. Thankfully Billy, who was undoubtedly perceptive, despite whatever else he was, noticed immediately and insisted on blaming himself for the problem. He not only apologized, but he thanked Patrick for bringing him to his senses. A few minutes later, while Billy and Ashley were getting the kids settled at the table, Lila walked over to Patrick and hugged him. “I’m sorry, honey,” she whispered in his ear. “I didn’t mean to put you in the middle of this.”

“It’s okay,” he told her and smiled.

And it was okay now. His wife was back to herself and Billy had taken responsibility for causing the conflict. This was all Patrick wanted, or at least all he could think of to expect.

And it stayed fine the rest of the week. There were no more outbursts from Lila’s brother. If anything, Billy was friendlier than usual. He went so far as to insist that he would love Patrick’s take on
Gravity’s Rainbow,
too, since the author had studied science and used frequent math references. “I’m sure you’ll understand it on a level that I simply can’t,” Billy said. “Only if you have time to read it, of course. I know you’re working on an important proof. Lila told me about it.”

It wasn’t that important, really a minor result in his field, but at least it was a result and those had been in short supply for Patrick since he’d agreed to chair the calculus committee. He did need to work on it, but he started
Gravity’s Rainbow
the next morning, intending to relax a bit, too. Unfortunately the book was far from relaxing. He put it down before the vacation was over, and left it at page 57, never to pick it up again.

And the next spring, when the idea of renting a shore house came up again, Patrick surprised himself by surprising Lila with tickets to Paris instead.

Over the years they’d been together, Lila had often defended both Patrick and his profession by calling the idea that mathematicians don’t have feelings a “ridiculous pop-culture cliché.” He appreciated her support, though he suspected it might be true that, like himself, many mathematicians were a little uncomfortable with emotional complexity. Part of it was the job itself, which demanded that you check your feelings at the door to concentrate on a reality completely outside of yourself. One of his grad school professors had posted a sign on his wall: “Mathematics doesn’t care about what you want to be true or what you think might be true but only what
is
true.” Of course, discovering what that truth was could be immensely difficult, but that there
was
truth to be discovered was a given. Thousands of years of mathematics—and every single engineering and technological breakthrough—were hard to argue against.

Patrick considered his marriage to Lila to have turned out very well by and large, and not least because it had proven to be such a low-drama affair. Unlike some of his colleagues’ wives and girlfriends, Lila had never once demanded that he demonstrate his love by intuiting her feelings—and a good thing, too, because even on the rare occasion when he tried to, he usually couldn’t get there. His wife’s relationship with her brother, especially, had continued to be mostly incomprehensible to him. This was despite the dozen or so times he’d put aside a problem he was working on to google the topic of bonds between twins. He never gained any useful information, though each time he read that twins ran in families, he found himself vaguely hoping that he and Lila would never have them.

He did want children, though, and he didn’t understand why Lila kept putting it off. Most faculty couples tried to get pregnant as soon as the wife got tenure, if not before. Lila had had tenure for nearly four years when she and Patrick took a trip back to St. Louis, to visit Patrick’s father and babysit Patrick’s cousin Jason’s kids. Jason and his wife, Doreen, had an active toddler and a three-month-old baby and they desperately needed a break. They were going on a trip to California to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary.

Patrick had always been close to his cousins on his mother’s side, and Jason had been his best friend throughout high school. The two of them had stayed close over the years. Lila liked Jason and his wife, but Patrick was still impressed and grateful when she didn’t hesitate to agree to use her spring break to help them out. Admittedly, she was worried she wouldn’t be able to keep a toddler and a baby happy, but Patrick understood since he felt the same way.