The Song Remains the Same (46 page)

I had never cared less about helping people in my life, which was just so wrong. I’d gotten into this profession to be of service to others. Now, I just wanted out.

For so long, I’ve deluded myself into thinking this is what I need to live a fulfilling life. Even in the beginning, I ignored all of my internal protests just to prove to myself that I could.
I don’t even know how it is that I’m good at this.

Tired and aching from wearing heels for hours, I entered the duplex and sagged against the wall for a moment. The scent of Alys’s homemade lasagna wafted toward me, and I sniffed appreciatively.

Since the guys were shipping out the next day, we figured it’d be best to have a low-key evening with just the four of us. Jason was taking Sheri out for a super romantic evening, and Connor was still in the studio, doing some last-minute production with Freedom to Speak. Flipper and Viv were off somewhere, doing gods-knew-what. Romance between those two was just bizarre on a good day.

Clickety-clacking in my heels down the hall, I walked into the kitchen to see Phil with oven mitts on, waving the steam off the bubbling casserole, and Alys was tossing a salad. X was dutifully watching them while smoking a spliff.

“Hey, Baby Girl,” the redhead said, waving the spliff. “Come hit this.”

Phil’s eyes snapped to me, taking in my attire. “Where the hell were you dressed all fine like that?”

“I had to meet the new recruits today and give a presentation, remember?”

“Dressed like the sexiest secretary on the planet?” His compliments never failed to warm me to my soul even if they were a bit uncouth.

“Yep.”

Plopping my ass on the stool next to X, I took the joint. Phil scowled at me, which meant he was getting a chub and wanted me to do something about it. I wanted to do something about it, too.

Dinner was nice, if not strained with our sexual tension. I could almost reach out and touch it, as if it were a living, breathing entity squished between us at the table.

With the table cleared and the dishes in the dishwasher, Phil took my hand and led me upstairs to our bedroom.

This time,
he
was in control. Fierce passion twisted his face, yet every move was calculated, each touch meant to reach into the very center of my being. Last night had been frenzied. Tonight, our last night for the next week and a half, he wanted something that would carry us through our time apart.

What have I forgotten?

He stretched over me, filling me, straining to reach beyond the sexual haze we’d been drowning in and caress the emotional black box inside me. It wasn’t about getting off. He wanted the connection that we’d forgotten about in this weird deluge of carnality.

“I’m so proud of you. You know that, right?”

Deviating a bit from the normal dirty talk,
I thought wryly.

“All the hard work you’ve been doin’, givin’ all of yourself to the people who need you, and still findin’ the strength to walk away from it and follow your dreams…”

“You’re the one who has made it all possible,” I told him. “Without you…”

“Without
you
, I’d be a hot mess. I’d be lost. You’ve given me everythin’ I’ve ever dreamed of. You’ve shown me who I really am, who I want to be. So, whatever I can do to give you everythin’ you’ve ever wanted, I’m more than happy to give it.”

“Damn it, Phil!” I gasped, fighting the urge to weep.

Smiling, he sweetly kissed me while framing my face with his hands. “You’re my every fantasy come true…”

“It’s been a while since your last visit,” Mom says.

I’m filled with a sense of peace at the sound of her voice. My eyes close against the brilliant sunlight, and my head is full of the scent of those flowers that forever bloom here.

“You’ve been happy,” she says, and I smile. “That’s why you haven’t needed us.”

“I always need you,” I tell her, opening my eyes. “I’ve never not needed you, Mom.”

On my left, the air stirs, and the grass rustles as Grandma takes a seat. Her hand is soft as she takes mine.

“And we need you,” she tells me. “We need you to be strong. Because what is ahead of you is going to test your strength and your faith in all you’ve achieved.”

“Some things happen to us for a reason,” my mother tells me. “These things make us worthy, make us strong, even though it feels like we are at our lowest, weakest point.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, fear creeping into my chest.

Above me, the sky fills with black clouds, rolling and writhing about.

Grandma places her hand upon my stomach, and as I look down, I see that I am swollen, bloated in pregnancy.

“Some things are meant to teach us lessons, and lessons can be painful. See it through to the fullest, but don’t let it take you down with it, or you will lose everything.”

“And don’t tell him—at least not until it’s too late,” my mother warns me. “Most of all, do not be afraid. We are with you.”

Drenched in sweat, shivering, I woke up groggy and ill. Checking the alarm clock, I was about half an hour away from the buzzer waking me up. Alys and I would be boarding a plane to New York and catching the connecting flight to Saskatoon in just a few hours.

My stomach wriggled unpleasantly, and I booked it into the bathroom to dry-heave. Weakly, I clung to the bowl, clammy and feeling drained of energy.

It all made sense now, and I couldn’t believe I’d been so careless. There was no excuse for it. It didn’t matter that I’d been swamped with work, that I was in a million different places in my head all at once. The signs had been there, like being fucking horny as all hell.

I’m a goddamn doctor! How did I not realize what was going on in my own fucking body?

“This is so messed up.” I groaned into the bowl.

I’d forgotten to give myself my birth control shot four weeks ago.

Phil had done it. He’d knocked me up.

Phil

“What the fuck is this shit?” X screamed from the bunks.

A fuckin’ week and a half, and already, we were going apeshit. Leaving our women behind had been bad enough, but bickering with each other on top of it, or maybe it was because of it, just made the situation that much worse. I knew I was grumpy as fuck without my Baby Girl.

“What the fuck are you doing in my bunk?” Connor yelled back.

Now
, I was intrigued. X and Connor got along really well, so it was a surprise that they were having it out. Craning my neck around the corner—I had been looking for some food in the fridge—I saw the two gingers facing off.

“What’s goin’ on?” I called down the hall.

“This motherfucker has pictures of my
wife
taped up in his bunk!” snarled X.

“So?” I asked. “Are they nudies?”

“No!” Connor protested.

Man, was he blushing hard.

“Shit, X, if they ain’t nudies, then what’s the big deal?” I asked, shutting the fridge and heading toward them.

“I have photos of Kenna and Lili taped up in there, too!” said Connor. “They’re my sisters!”

“Sisters?”
hissed X, getting all up in Connor’s face. “I
know
how you look at Alys—”

“Fuck you, douche!” Connor yelled back.

Before I knew it, X launched his ass at Connor, and they both went down, punching and smacking each other.

“Jace! Flip!” I called out, reaching down and hauling X off Connor. “What the fuck is wrong with you, man?” I asked my best friend.

Connor got up, his lip oozing blood.

“I’m sick of his ass!” screamed X just as Jason and Flipper came down from the upper deck.

Wiping the blood off his lip with the back of his hand, Connor looked at X in surprise. “What?”

“You heard me! You fuckin’ come in and fuckin’ mess around with our sound, fuckin’ trying to show us up with your fancy fuckin’ trainin’ and college degree—”

“Shut up, X. You’re way out of line,” said Jason. “Don’t listen to him, Connor.”

“Are you high or somethin’?” asked Flipper.

“No! I’m fuckin’ pissed that he has a picture of my wife taped next to where he lays his head! It’s fuckin’ fucked up!”

“What horseshit.” Flipper snorted. “They’ve only known each other all their lives, X. Why does it bother you so much now?”

Both gingers flushed clashing reds.

Holy shit. Why
does
it bother X so much?

Connor had a sweet spot for Alys. I’d seen it when Alys had run off with X and gotten hitched. But Connor never showed any other signs that he was hung up over her, and he never let his feelings get in the way of the band. Hell, the motherfucker had groupies lining up to fuck his brains out in every stop we’d made. He would take advantage of them, too.

Sheri glanced down the hall from the front of the bus. “Is everything okay?”

“No!” shouted X. “I want this motherfucker off the bus!
Now
!”

“What?”
the motherfucker gasped.

“Seriously, man, what have you taken?” asked Flipper, pawing through X’s bunk, looking for wrappers or baggies or the substance itself.

X reached out and slapped Flipper’s hands out of his shit. “Knock it off! I ain’t on nothin’! I just want this asshole off our bus—”

“It’s his bus, too,” I said, getting pissed.

X was being flat-out irrational. “Fuck that shit! Either he goes, or I go—”

“You shut the fuck up!” shouted Jason, pointing an angry finger under X’s nose. “Connor ain’t some pissant piece of douchery! He’s one of us!”

“It’s fine,” said Connor quietly.

My heart went out to my brother. He hadn’t done a damn thing wrong. This was all in X’s head, and he knew it. But those words…those fuckers cut deep.

“Have Mack pull over. I’ll stay on the roadie bus.”

“No,” I said.

This whole situation was being blown out of proportion.

“It’s okay,” said Connor, reaching into his bunk and grabbing his stuff. “It’ll be better if I go.”

X shoved his way past all of us and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Jason poked his head in Connor’s bunk. “It’s just a picture of her on the last tour, the one where we stopped at the Redwood Park place. What’s his deal?”

Straightening up, Connor shrugged, saying nothing.

“You don’t have to go, man,” I told him.

His eyes looked into mine, and I got so homesick for my Baby Girl. It was like being kicked in the nuts.

Seven hours. Just seven hours before I get to hold her again.

“No, it’s probably best I go. Have Mack pull over, yeah? It’s no big deal.”

“Sure it is,” Flipper said, getting all feisty. “He has no reason to talk to you like that. You’re our brother.”

Connor nodded, but he took his shit and made his way to the front of the bus all the same. The rest of us didn’t want him to go, so he was taking matters into his own hands. He had Mack radio the roadie bus to pull over at the next rest stop.

“Man, what are we supposed to tell your sister when we get her from the airport?” I asked him as Mack slowly maneuvered off the highway.