The Sorrow King (16 page)

“
Am I afraid?” He coughed. “I think I would have to say yes and no. How’s that for ambiguity? Some days I’m . . . terrified.”

“
What are you terrified of?”

“
Everything. Everything that moves. Everything that can be thought. I wake up and wonder, ‘Is this how it is?’ And when I think life is exactly the way it is, the only logical answer I can think of is that it’s only going to get worse.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
I mean, I just muddle through my days, waiting to go to sleep and, granted, things have become a little more interesting, there’s still a part of me that knows my life is not going to get any better. Soon I’ll be out of school and then I’ll be expected to make it on my own and I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I’m equipped for the real world. And I just imagine living every day feeling like that and it terrifies me. What if something happens to my dad? He’s all I have left. What if something happens to me? I’m all he has left. He’d be devastated. I’m the only thing he’s
ever
had. And now I’ve met you and I really like you but I wonder if you really like me and even if you told me you did I would probably just think you were saying that to make me feel better about myself or something.

“
I know I’ve been through some tough stuff the past couple of years and sometimes I think that’s maybe why I feel the way I do . . . I just don’t know. I don’t know if everybody feels this way or if it’s just me.”

He took a deep breath and put his arm around her, pulling her closer into him, liking her heat. He took another shaky breath and continued talking. “Take right now, for instance. I
should
be happy. With as much as I’ve wanted to talk to you since the first time I saw you, I should be ecstatic. And still, there’s something inside of me. Some kind of . . . looming despair or something. Maybe a bit of impending doom. Like any happiness I have might just one day be blown all to hell. All I want is a happy ending but, you know what? There are no happy endings in hell. Then I think maybe how I feel doesn’t have anything to do with what happens around me. And that scares me too. What if it’s just chemicals and brain functions and stuff that determine how we feel? Does that mean I could have everything I ever wanted and still be completely miserable?

“
And then there are days when I’m not afraid of anything. There are days when I know whatever is going to happen is going to happen and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop it. And I know whatever happens, I can weather it, because I’ve done it before. Some days, it’s like I
want
it to happen. I sit on the couch and watch TV and think I want the world to end. Some days I think that’s exactly what we need.

“
But mainly, I just fear for the human race. It’s like people just keep getting dumber and more insensitive and I wonder what it’s going to take to make them open their eyes and realize, in the end, we are all each other has. And, taken individually, most of these people are probably beautiful but, as a group, I think we’re a lost cause.”

He stopped, scanning his brain, probing to see if he was fully vented. Pulling a cigarette out of his pocket, he mumbled “Sorry” and lit it, expecting Elise to pull away and wrinkle her nose. Instead, she said, “Well, you’re a regular cheerfest.”

“
Are you sorry you asked?”

“
No. I feel like I know you better.”

No,
he thought.
You still don’t really know me at all.
Instead, he said, “Is that a good thing?”

“
To know you? It’s what I want.”

“
What about you? Are you ever scared?”

“
I’m not afraid of anything.”

“
So how ’bout you go climb that water tower?”

“
Well, I’m afraid of heights.”

He laughed out a mouthful of smoke, tossing the cigarette away, not really wanting it.

“
I guess I’m afraid of just about everything too,” she said.

“
Well, we’ll make a good couple, won’t we? We can get married, board ourselves up in the house and put the telephone in the freezer.”

They sat on the bench for a long while after that, not saying much of anything, practically dozing. He told her what Drifter Ken had said about the water tower, since it was right there in front of them. Elise responded with a “Hm.” Eventually, it started to rain. Softly coming down, the rain contained an icy chill.

“
I think I better be getting home,” she said.

“
I’ll walk you.”

“
You don’t have to. It’s raining.”

“
It’ll just make it feel warmer when I get back home.”

It took about twenty minutes to get back to her house from the park. Neither one of them wore a watch or had a cell phone so they had no idea what time it was. They stopped at the end of the walk that led to her front door.

“
I have something to keep you warm on your way home,” Elise said, pulling Steven toward her by his soaked shirt.

She pressed her full pink lips against his and he automatically felt himself harden, his hands going from his pockets to her back, pulling her greedily against him. He had never really kissed a girl before and didn’t have any idea how it worked. Pressing his tongue into her mouth, she responded and he didn’t know how sex could be any better than this. He was so aware of her—breasts pressed against his lower chest, her hands playing with the back of his hair, his hands sliding down to her ass and pulling her middle against him. They stood that way, tongues and lips working together, for quite some time. When the kiss finally broke, they looked at each other differently. The look had gone from appreciation to hunger, maybe even longing.

“
And now I have to say good night,” she said.

“
That was nice.”

“
Yes it was.” Then she pecked him on the cheek and that meant as much to him as the previous marathon.

“
Good night,” he said.

“
Good night.”

Standing in the rain, he watched her walk up to her house.

Connor sat in his chair, reading a book but unable to concentrate on it. He was trying to wait up for Steven and whenever he thought he was getting tired and would have to go to bed, a new weal of anger woke him up.

Elise was right. The kiss really warmed him. He kept replaying it in his head, still not fully believing it. His body shook and he wasn’t sure if it was from cold or from exhilaration. Reaching the door to his house, the only thing he really thought about was getting into bed and relieving himself of what throbbed against his thigh.

He opened the door and jumped as Connor whipped his gaze toward him.

“
Jesus,” Steven said. “You scared the hell out of me.”

“
What do you think you’re doing to
me
?”

“
Okay. Look, I’m sorry.” Part of Steven still wanted to punish his father but he was afraid if he didn’t tell the truth his father wouldn’t let him leave the house. While the truth would come out eventually, he didn’t see the harm in having a bit of fun with the man. He was, after all, floating.

Steven looked down at the floor, using his serious tone. “Look,” he began. “I think it’s time I come clean. I haven’t just been going for walks. I’ve been attending meetings . . .
Secret
meetings. Jesus, I don’t know what they’re going to do to me if they knew I told you about this but I can tell you’re really at your wit’s end. I’m pretty sure that, because of my indiscretions, I’ll be the next suicide.”

“
You’re sick,” Connor said and Steven didn’t really know or care if he was joking.

“
Okay, I was kidding. I really don’t mean to worry you, Dad, but . . . Well, there’s this girl.”

Connor nearly guffawed. “I think the suicide coven story was more believable.”

“
Whatever . . . There’s no reason to be jealous just because I’m more of a man than you are.”

“
Now, I don’t think either one of us are really men. If there is a girl, I have only this to say—use protection. And if you
are
just going on walks around the neighborhood then be careful of whose windows you’re peeping into and please please please let me know you are leaving and please please please give me a rough approximation of your return so I do not have to wait up for you or at least so I know how long I have to wait up because I do so worry and please please please make that time something earlier than . . .” Connor checked his watch. “Four-twenty in the A.M. ’Kay?”

“
I’ll try. Good night, old man. By the way, I’m pretty much blowing off school the rest of the week.”

“
You should go.”

“
There are like two weeks left. I could get zeros on everything and still end up with Bs.”

“
But grades are important.”

“
Not for community college and, besides, it’s too late for this. Good night, again.”

“
Good night.”

He went into his room and turned on some music to fall asleep to.

Fourteen

The Evolution of Teen Romance

For Steven, things seemed to get pushed aside over the following weeks. He felt like he was crawling around in someone else’s skin and that was a feeling he welcomed entirely.

At school, he did not really speak to Elise other than an occasional “Hi” or nod of the head. Sometimes, if both of them knew no one was paying attention to them, they would briefly reach out and grab each other’s hand. Just the slightest friction of skin on skin was enough to send shivers through his body and help him happily through the rest of the school day.

The atmosphere at school had changed. It was something like morose hesitation. The school had become a place of research. The principal had invited no fewer than three psychiatrists in to question and council the students. In the week following Mary’s death, there were a few camera crews set up outside the school, hoping to catch a student on his way to or from the building so they could get a few words from this potential suicide. Students who had been friends of the deceased were more on edge than usual, knowing they could be called away at any time to be interviewed by one of the psychiatrists. There was very much the feeling the students were fish in an aquarium and Steven was unsure of the truth in the image they presented to the outside world. Even if it hadn’t been for Elise, he would have done his best to look a little less depressed, not wanting to be dragged away by one of those beard-wearing sharp-eyed doctors.

Given the time of year, it was an interesting and contradictory air. Just weeks away from graduation and summer break, the halls were usually more ebullient. Now a weariness painted the fluorescent hallways. Kids wanting to survive the year and each of them wondering how many would meet back here next year.

Steven missed as many days as possible, placing much more importance on what happened after school.

He came home from school and napped. When he woke up, he ate dinner with his father. Then, after dark, he went in search of Elise. He usually started out for her house but he always met her before reaching it. And each time he saw her, coming down the sidewalk, his skin prickled with ecstasy. He was still not used to getting things he wanted and he held her hand, maybe just a little too tightly, afraid she would disintegrate in front of his eyes.

And from that point, they established their own routine of lazy walking and conversation. They both enjoyed reading and watching movies. He brought her books he told her she had to read. She usually finished them in about a day and he wondered if she actually read them or just said she did to please him. But he knew the answer to that. If she didn’t like something, she told him.

Being around Elise sent his hormones into a rage. She had set her boundaries fairly early. After the first kiss, they had concluded each night the same way, the kisses becoming a little longer, a little wetter, a little
more
. He wondered why they always had to wait until they were saying goodbye in order to kiss. One night, while they were on the bench in the park, he began kissing her and she had responded at first. Wanting to take it just a little further, he slid his hand under her shirt, momentarily feeling her skin against his palm before placing it on the thin fabric of her bra. She had broken the kiss and scooted away from him.

“
When I want to give myself to you, I’ll give all of myself. Okay?”

He wasn’t exactly sure what that meant so he mumbled a weak apology and realized her staving him off only intensified his desire.

So they kissed each night and he put all his passions into that kiss. It was painful when they broke apart. Consequently, he had turned into a chronic masturbator, going home and spilling his desire over his hand each night. He didn’t really know why neither of them had gone back to each other’s houses. They seemed more content to aimlessly wander the night. Elise said it was because her parents wouldn’t let any boys in the house, especially not so late. Steven knew Connor wouldn’t mind, but if he took Elise home then they would probably exclude his father from conversations and Steven thought that might make him feel even lonelier and he didn’t want to do that.