The Sot-Weed Factor (36 page)

This Hicktopeake, then, bade us well come to his Kingdom, the w
^ch
he did call Accomack, and lay'd before us a sumptuous meale. I observ'd him, while that we ate, and I sweare him to be the comliest, proper, civill Salvage we incounter'd. I din'd well, as is my wont, and also Walter the physician and the souldiers, but our Gentlemen shew'd smalle appetyte for Salvage cookerie. Burlingame, in especiall, shew'd little stomacke, for a man of his corpulencie, and who had been erst so lowd of his bellie. The meale done, Hicktopeake deliver'd him selfe of a smalle speech, again bidding us well come to his towne, and offering to replenishe our supplies ere we left him. It seem'd to me then, he shew'd a curious eagernesse, that we s
^hd
tarrie somewhile with him, but I learn'd not the cause of it at once.

On my enquiring of him, the extent of his Kingdom? Hicktopeake reply'd onely that it was of considerable breadth, and ran awaye up the countrie, untill that the land grewe wider. This territorie he rul'd conjoyntlie with his Brother, one Debedeavon, called by the Salvages, the Laughing King of Accomack. Debedeavons towne, we learn'd was farther inland, where he liv'd with his Queene in a goodlie house. I ask'd then, Where was Hicktopeakes Queene? meaning no more then a courtesie by my question. But seeing his face grewe all beclowded, I sought to change the topick, and inquir'd, Why was Debedeavon call'd the Laughing King? Whereupon, albeit I knew not why, Hicktopeakes wrath did but increase, so that he was scarce able to contain him selfe. I sawe no frute in farther inquirie, and so held my peace, and smoak'd of the tobacco that was then past round.

Hicktopeake at length regayning somewhat of his controll, he did command my partie to be given lodging for the night, and I consented, for that the skye was lowring, and bade fowle weather. The Gentlemen and my selfe, were given place in Hicktopeakes howse, that for all his being King, was but a single roome of large dimension. All did forthwith set them selves to sleep, save Burlingame, who ever hownds my steps, and sleeps not save when I sleep also. The King & I then smoak'd many pipes beside the fyre, in all silence. I knew well, he was desirous of speaking farther to me, but that after the manner of the Salvages, he tarry'd long ere commencing. For this reason I yearn'd that Burlingame s
^hd
retyre, that we might speake privilie, but this he w
^d
not, maugre my hints & suggestions.

At last Hicktopeake spake, and talk'd a great while of trifling things, as is the Salvages wont. Then he said, in substance (for I am here Englishing his speech), Sir, ye doubtlesse mark me a batchelor, for that no wife attendeth me in my house, or at my board, and farther, that upon thy enquirie, Where was my Queene? I mayde thee no replie. Yet in this thou art mistaken. Queene have I in sooth, and of surpassing comelinesse, that I have onely latelie had to wife. Yet wife she is not, for is it not the first requirement of a wife, that she seeke not farther than her wedded spouse, for her felicitie? But my Queene, she findeth me deficient, though I mark my selfe a man in everie wise, and she goeth about unsatisfy'd. And Queene she is not, for is it not the first requirement of a Queene, that she doe naught but what will shewe the greatnesse of her King? But my Queene, from her dissatisfaction with my manlinesse, doth ever seek pleasure in the howses of other men, thereby bringing disgrace upon my head; and stille she goeth unsatisfy'd, by her own pronouncement. Now this is an evill thing, for that not only doth this woman dishonour my selfe, and keep me for ever wearie, but also she fatigueth all the young men of my towne, and old as well. She is even as is the leech, that having tasted bloud, can never drink his fille; or as the owle, that devoureth all the myce of the field, and goeth yet hungrie to her nest. My Brother, Debedeavon, maketh much of this matter, and laugheth at me still (wherefor they call him, the Laughing King). A wife he hath, that he keepeth well satisfy'd, and hence regardeth him selfe my better, as doe his people mine. (Yet is his wife a mowse, and lightlie fill'd, for that oft have I try'd her my own selfe, the while my brother fish'd.) Therefore I aske of thee of the faire skinne this, that ye assaye to please the Queene, or teach her to be pleas'd even with that w
^ch
she hath alreadie, to the end that peace & honour may reign in my towne, and my Brother mock me no farther. For I judge of thy dress, thy strange vessell, and thy manlie bearing, thou art no common man, but a doer of wonders.

Thus spake this Hicktopeake, and I heard him with amazement, for that most men, that c
^d
not satisfye there wives, were loath to own there deficiencie to another man. Yet I did admire his truthfullnesse & candour, & his generositie, in inviting my selfe to attempt, what he c
^d
not doe. With as much of grace as I c
^d
muster, I accepted Hicktopeakes offer, whereupon he shew'd me a doore of his howse, the w
^ch
he said, open'd upon the chamber of the Queene. Then he lay'd him selfe down next the fyre and slept, onely fitfullie, as well a man might, that hath granted leave to another to go in unto the wife of his bed.

No sooner was the King asleep, then I straightway made for the doore, and w
^d
have fulfill'd his everie wish, had not L
^d
Burlingame prevented me, and catching hold of my arme, declar'd, That he did protest my doing this thing. I enquir'd, Why did he protest? seeing that I knew him for no Catholick Saint. Whereto he reply'd, That be that as may, he purpos'd to doe the thing him selfe, for that I had receiv'd the favours of Pocahontas, and had deflowr'd that same maide by scurrilous subterfuge, whereas he had enjoy'd naught of her, nor had layn with woman, since that he set sayle from London. Moreover, he declar'd, That s
^hd
I refuse him this favour (albeit he was in my debt for his scurvie life), he meant to noyse the truth about my eggplant receipt all over Jamestowne, and London as well.

Hereupon I told him, That he c
^d
plough the Salvage Queene all he chose, I car'd not, and said farther, That were she halfe the Messalina good Hicktopeake made her out, it w
^d
want more man then tenne of Burlingame, to pacifie her. This said, I bow'd him to the doore, and joyn'd my snoaring fellows at the fyre. Yet I went not to sleep my owne selfe, but rested awake & smoak'd tobacco, thinking, That in all probabilitie my nights adventures were not done.

At length Burlingame return'd, much out of humour, and upon my enquiring of him, Was the Queene so lightlie pleas'd? he but broke wind at me, and seeing the King stille slept, call'd her divers kinds of whoore & peddle-bumme. He w
^d
, he said, have gone into her, for that she had receiv'd him with friendlinesse enow, but that when he stoode all readie to doe his carnall work, she had demanded of him, Where was his monie? and he having naught to offer, save a parcell of tobacco, she straightway turn'd upon her bellie, and w
^d
no more of him. Whereon he had left her.

I did laugh greatlie at this tale, and said to him, that he w
^ld
ever fare ill in conquests of women, for that he was put off so lightlie. And it was a happie thing, for both our heads, that Powhatan erst had set my selfe to pierce his daughters nether armour, and not him. By way of answer, Burlingame but broke wind againe, and said, That if I wish'd to make good my boasts, the doore was yet unlatch'd, and the Queene yet flatt upon the grownd. For him, he w
^d
nothing farther of the whoore, be she Queen or scullerie maide.

I hi'd me then without losse of time to the Queenes apartment, leaving Burlingame at the fyre to stewe in his owne cowardice. Directlie my eyes grewe us'd to the dark, I made out the Queene her selfe, once more upon her back. She was a passing comelie Salvage, I c
^d
see, with gracious features, shapelie limbs, and a smalle flatt bellie, and her papps & other appurtenancies were such, as to whett any mans lust. Upon her directing me, in Salvage jargon, to doe my wille, I prick'd up like a doggs eare, at smelle of meate. I presented my selfe as
C
^apt
J
^no
Smith of Virginia, deeming it a beastlie thing, to swive a woman without first exchanging cordialities. But to this she pay'd no heed at all, onely shew'd me, by certaine movements, she mark'd such pleasantries a waste of time. Therefore I hasten'd to undoe my selfe, and had clipp'd her on the instant, but that she stay'd my ardour; and poynting to that place, the w
^ch
she had in Salvage fashion pluck'd bald as a biskett & bedawb'd with puccoon paynt, she demanded first some payment, saying, That she was not wont to bestowe her charms for naught.

This troubl'd me not a whitt, for that I was us'd to dealing with both whoores & Salvages. I fetch'd up my breeches, and withdrewe therefrom a fistfull of bawbles, that ever charme the Salvage eye. These I gave her, but she flung them awaye, and demanded something more. I gave her then a smalle charme, that I had got from a dead Moor, the w
^ch
was said to have magick powers, but this neither she deign'd to accept. After that I offer'd the slutt a lewd figure done in ivorie, a smalle coyne inscrib'd in filthie Arabick, and the pledge of twelve yardes of Scotch cloth, to be deliver'd on the next boat from London -- all to no availe. She w
^d
have six lengths of
wompompeag,
she said, or nine of
roanoke,
for her favours, and naught besides, for that her other lovers were wont to pay that summe for her bodie, she being the Queene. I made replye, That I had no Salvage monies on my person, nor meanes of acquiring any, but w
^d
she grant me satisfaction of my lust, I w
^d
send her a pound Sterling from Jamestowne, enough coyn to purchase a bakers dozen tarts in London. But the Queene w
^d
none of my pound Sterling, and rolling on her bellie, let goe a fart w
^ch
had done honour to Elizabeth her selfe. I did declare, That C
^apt
J
^no
Smith was not put off so lightlie, and when that she reply'd as before, I vow'd to have my fille of her regardlesse. There is a saying amongst the worldlie French, that when a man cannot eate thrush, he must perforce make doe with crowe. I tarry'd no longer, but straightway work'd upon the Queene that sinne, for w
^ch
the Lord rayn'd fyre upon the Cities of the Playne. . .

When that I had done, I drewe away and waited for the Queene to call her bodie-guards to fetch me, w
^ch
I suppos'd she w
^d
forthwith. For a space she lay a-panting on the grownd, and when at last she had her winde, tooke from her necke tenne Strings of
wompompeag,
w
^ch
she presented me. She then declar'd, That she had got love enow that night, to give her payne till the new moone. So saying, she felle into a swoone-like sleep, and I retir'd to the other roome, to chide Burlingame for his want of fancie. This he took in his wonted ill humour, for that I had the better of him yet againe. . .

I did sleep late into the daye, and when I woke, found Hicktopeake in his royall chaire, with all his Lieutenants round about. He had bade them be silent, the while I slept, and on my rowsing up came forward, and embrac'd me, and declar'd I s
^hd
be second in rule over his towne, and have the comeliest Salvage of his tribe to wife, for that I had restor'd his peoples peace. I enquir'd, How was that so? and he made answer. That the Queene had come to him that dawne. and begg'd forgivenesse for her infidelitie, and swore that so satisfy'd was she of me, she never w
^d
againe goe a-roving from the Kings bedstead. Onely, he said, he fear'd her resolve might not endure for long; it must needs have been by meanes of some uncommon virilitie I had pleas'd her, and I was leaving his towne anon.

With that I led him aside, and related to him privilie the simple trick I had employ'd, assuring him, that he c
^d
doe the thing as well as I. For so smalle was the puddle, any frogg seem'd greate therein. Hicktopeake had never heard of such a practice (w
^ch
I had learnt from the scurvie Arabs), and he listened in amazement. Naught w
^d
then suffice but he must put his learning to the test, and so he hi'd him selfe apace from out the roome.

While that he was gone thus a-wooing, I gather'd together my companie, and told them to make readie our vessell, for I design'd to sayle that selfe same morning, to take up the course of our explorations. They did set to at once, all save Burlingame, that grows'd about the shoarline kicking pebbles, and we were neare readie to sayle, when Hicktopeake came out from his howse. He embrac'd me againe, this time more warmlie then before, and begg'd me stay in his towne for ever, as his Prince & successor. So had he woo'd the Queene, he said, she w
^d
be three days rysing from her bed, and costive the week. But I declin'd his offer, saying. That I had businesse elsewhere to attend. After much debate he did resigne him selfe, and gave me leave to goe, presenting me & my companie with all manner of Salvage gifts, and food & water for our vessell.

Thus at last we did set sayle once more, and headed for the maine, and whatever lay before us. I was a trifle loath to goe, and w
^d
fain have tarry'd some smalle space, for that Hicktopeake did declare to me his intention, of journeying to the towne of Debedeavon his Brother, and there so ploughing Debedeavons Queene, after the manner he had learnt, as to confound his Brother for ever. Whereupon he, Hicktopeake, s
^hd
be the Laughing King of Accomack. W
^ch
forsooth were worth the witnessing. But the favour of Kings is a slipperie boone, lightlie granted & as lightlie forsworne, and I deem'd it more prudent to absent my selfe betimes, while that I was yet in his good graces, then to linger, and perchance weare out my welcome there in Accomack. . .