The Sound of Laughter (24 page)

*1
Everything seems big when you're sixteen.

*2
Well, it said 'annual' on the banner hanging between British Home Stores and the Cenotaph, but it turned out to be the first and only drama festival that Bolton ever had.

*3
I don't know if any of you ever had a best room. We lived in a two-up two-down terraced house. The place was cramped enough without my mum putting one room aside for best. We were only ever allowed in the lounge for special occasions, like birthdays and Christmas. It was ridiculous.

*4
Mr Donaldson our PE teacher would take it upon himself to stop the traffic on the busy main road as we all crossed. We'd find it highly amusing because more often than not he'd get a beep from an impatient motorist which was usually followed by some abuse like 'Move, you wanker'. Fair play to Mr Donaldson, he always stood his ground. Well, he did until the wing mirror off a passing lorry clipped the back of his head and sent him arse over tit into the gutter. The nuns rushed him to hospital with concussion and thankfully PE was cancelled for a fortnight.

*5
I've just hit rock bottom on the whole nun-naming thing.

*6
My nephew recently found a box of LPs in the attic and said, 'Wow, look at the size of these CDs, Grandma.' We all laughed because it'd hadn't occurred to us that he wouldn't have seen one. He'd never actually seen a record player before or ever heard of cassette tapes. And when I attempted to explain the concept of the 'eight track' to him he just left the room, laughing and shaking his head. Mind you, so did everybody else in the seventies.

*7
Ironically, Bolton jumped up dramatically from having three screens to thirty six when two multiplexes opened in the space of six months.

*8
Toby, I apologise if I ruined your material but that's just how I remembered it.

*9
Years later I was lucky enough to discuss Paul J Russell's stand-up career with the comics he used to boast about, Ben Elton and Alexie Sayle. They both separately confirmed my suspicions, that Paul J Russell died on his arse many a night.

*10
When I eventually left Victoria Management, they threatened to chase me through a small claims court for an outstanding bill of £29.60 for tea and coffee money. It must be thirsty work being an agent.