The Space In Between (8 page)

THEY WERE PLAYING reruns of our
reality show that night. I couldn’t help but watch. How did my life get like
this? Shutting off the television, I sat in the dark hotel room and stared at
my hand that had driven through a portrait a few months ago. The fucked up
truth was I appeared a lot more like my father than I ever wanted to. That
thought was messing with my brain. Reaching into my wallet, I pulled out my
wedding band and ran it through my fingers. I kept thinking about what Jesus
had told me in the clinic about Iris. “What your wife did had nothing to do
with you.” But was that true?

I wondered if I had been there for Iris after the two
miscarriages, instead of at the bar drinking, how different things might have
been.

My mom was an artist. Growing up in a house with an artist
and an alcoholic, was quite interesting. I remember one night my father wanted
her to stop painting her ‘fucking pieces of shit’ and cook him dinner. It was
three in the morning, which was when mom said she found her inspiration.
Looking back, I realized she was really up at three a.m. to make sure the
asshole came home from the bars and didn’t end up in a ditch somewhere. I’d sat
and watched him yell at her, spit at her, and belittle her from the top of the
stairs.

“You stupid bitch. Stop wasting our money on this garbage.”
He yanked her from the canvas and started saying things that could fuck up
anyone’s mind. He threw her painting and raised his hand as if he were going to
slap her across the face.

My stomach twisted as I watched my mom cry and beg him to
stop drinking. When I saw that hand of his hovering over her, I leaped up and
screamed, shoving him away from her. The taste of the blood dripping from my
upper lip was a surprise to me when he shoved me across the living room floor.
The way my father’s eyes shifted to a person I’d never known terrified the
living hell out of me. “Stop it!” I heard Mom cry as she raced over to me and
stroked my hair. “Are you all right, Cooper?” Tears were streaming down my face
and I shook my head. That night and many other drunken nights, were forever
captured in my brain. A memory photograph book I wished would vanish.

That was the first summer I went to stay in Wisconsin. My
mom had packed me up and sent me on an airplane by myself. Ever since she’d met
my asshole of a dad her connections to her family faded. He moved her away from
everything she knew and kept her to himself in his home state of South Carolina.
Mom didn’t think much of it—she was in love. But on the day she called my uncle
for help, he was more than willing to allow me to spend the summers at their
home. Before she sent me off the first year, she handed me a Polaroid
camera—that camera changed my life.

My father was the alcoholic, yet it appeared my mother was
the one with the illness. Dad was her sculpture and she was trying to shape him
into something he wasn’t. I wondered, if she would have gotten on the plane
with me, how different things might have been.

I slid the wedding band back into my wallet; I wasn’t ready
to part with it yet. Shit. I was going to let her be the first to text, but
sitting in the dark hotel room with nothing left but memories was too much. I
was in need of some forgetting.

Fuckin’ A.

Soda pop.

HE LIGHTLY STROKED the side of my
face with his hand, my arms and legs intertwined with his. His body heat
against mine made it easy for me to not want to move from that hotel bed ever
again. This time it was different. He kissed me harder, deeper. His arms
forcefully flipped me over as his mouth covered every inch of my body. He was
trying to forget a lot that evening. I didn’t mind. It made it easier for me to
forget, too.

“I should get going…” My mind started racing trying to
figure out how I would exactly get home. Ladasha and I had just paid rent, and
I only had a few dollar bills left after the taxi ride over here. I didn’t know
it would cost that dang much and now I was completely…

Oh my
….One moan and my worries about money
disappeared. Cooper started to touch me in ways that made everything better.
The way he massaged every single inch of my body with only his thumbs made me
want to scream his name for the rest of my life. His hands traveled to my
stomach, sending shivers throughout me.

“Coop…” I whimpered as I closed my eyes. I heard a muffled
growl on my neck as he continued to kiss me lower and lower…Down, down, down...

My back was ready to arch at his command as he climbed on
top of me. My hips thrust towards him, begging for more attention. I didn’t
want to stop him. I ran my fingertips across his back, pulling him closer to my
body. His lips glazed over mine as he lifted my thighs.

His sweet whispers turned me on more and more each time. “I
want you so bad,” he hissed as his tongue explored my breasts. My lips parted
in time for him to slide his tongue inside. He lifted my hands and held them
tightly against the mattress.

My quiet moans grew louder as the two of us grew closer to
one another. His eyes locked with mine for a moment’s time before we both shut
them and let our heat fuel our connection. The world became a blur. There was
nothing wrong on this earth within that moment and time. For the feeling of
seclusion alone, I could see myself never leaving Cooper’s side.

For the next two rounds of Cooper Davidson that occurred
after the passionate kiss, I forgot all about my money worries. And I forgot
about all my demons that were trying to eat at me each and every day. Soon all
that was heard was our light breaths of exhaustion.

Best freaking soda pop of my life.

But it was time to go home. Before he could try to get me to
stay a few rounds longer, I stood up and started to step back into my clothing.

“Let’s get breakfast tomorrow,” he proposed. I rolled my
eyes to the ceiling and continued to get dressed. “Come on, you need to eat.”

“Not with you.” I laughed.

“Come on, doesn’t that sound good?” He stood up and wrapped
his arms around me, nibbling on my ear as my eyes closed. That
felt
good.
“Eggs, bacon, muffins…Come on, Andie.”

My mind filled with the image of Derrick calling my name for
the last time ever. I had shivers running through me—unnerving memories taking
over my brain. My eyes opened and a wave of coldness washed over me as I
whispered, “Panda.” Cooper stepped back, unsure how he had offended me. I
smiled and shrugged my shoulders as I put on my jacket. “It’s nothing
personal.”

“It’s definitely personal.” He could see the hurt in my
eyes, but I ignored his expression and walked towards the door. Crap. How was I
getting home? All I knew was I couldn’t stay here any longer. Not with the way
my emotions were lighting up. I stepped into the hallway and started walking
down towards the elevator, but froze when my arm was grabbed.

“Here, take a taxi home,” Cooper said, handing me cash. I
felt ashamed and shook my head.

“You don’t have to pay for what we did.”

Cooper narrowed his eyes and looked at me as if I were
crazy. “I’m not. I’m paying to get you home safe.” He wrapped my head in his
hands and kissed my forehead. I tried to hold the tears back. But I didn’t take
his money; it felt way too soon to be taking anything from him.

I pushed it back to him and smiled. “Thank you, but I’m
good.” My voice cracked as I said it and continued walking. A guy held the elevator
for me and I got the feeling I would be taking that elevator ride and walk of
shame quite often.

A SIGH OF relief filled my body as I
stepped out of the hotel building and saw a taxi waiting a little ways down the
street. Walking over to it, I had to tap on the window. It appeared the driver
had snoozed off, and he was startled when he opened his eyes to see me.

“Hey, sorry. Are you running? I could use a ride.”

He sat up in his seat and smiled a warm grin to me. He was
an older man, probably in his fifties or sixties. He nodded at me and told me
to hop in. Sliding into the back of the taxi, I gave him directions and allowed
my body to sink into the hard cushions as I closed my eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

I opened my eyes to find the driver speaking to me. What was
he talking about? He was looking at me through his rearview mirror, eyes filled
with worry. He motioned to my eyes which had tears falling. Crap. I quickly
wiped them and gazed at his identification at the front of the car. His name
was Joe, and he was a complete stranger, asking me what was wrong. Did I really
look that broken?

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to pry. It’s just…You’re such a
young girl. No need to look so sad.”

He had no clue. I gave him a short smile, informing him that
I was fine. It turned out I was a liar.

“I’ve been there before, too. A dark place. You wonder how
things are ever going to be all right, ya know? But they will be. You gotta
trust in the process. No one can be sad forever. Not even you.”

I wished I could believe that. But sitting in the taxi, I
was growing sick, watching the amount of money add up on the clock. When Joe
pulled up to my apartment building, I sighed. I was five dollars short. I would
have to run upstairs to borrow some cash from Ladasha.

I stepped out and went to hand him the money, telling him I
would be right back with the rest. He pushed the cash back to me. “Keep it.
Take care of yourself, all right? And if you ever need a ride, give your ol'
buddy Joe a call. I know how easy it is to get lost in the Big Apple, and I'm
pretty good at helping people find their way home.” He handed me his card,
delivered me a warm grin, and pulled off.

After that night, Joe became my official driver for my
nightly flings with Cooper. He never charged me, which was sweet, but he also
never judged me, which was even sweeter. He spoke to me about his wife, how
much he loved her, how much she cared for him. He spoke of their struggles and
how they worked through the issues no matter what. They had been married for
almost forty years, and he prayed for forty more.

I wondered sometimes if I would ever get married.

DERRICK STOOD ON stage in front
of the microphone, looking handsome as ever. When he performed he became the
song, transforming into the lyrics, fully committing to the words. I just
turned twenty-one, so I was filled with excitement to see him perform for the
first time in a bar. He was so amazing up there. Such a natural.

A few of his friends filed in and surrounded me, looking
as proud as I was to see him up there. His best friend Steve slugged me in the
arm and before I could smack him, he pulled me into a hug.

“Welcome back home, soon to be Mrs. Stevens.” Steve said
as he sat down next to me.

“Thanks. Good to be back, as always.” My eyes looked up
to Derrick who was grinning in my direction and I turned to Steve, “Does he
ever talk about how he misses me?”

Steve picked up his beer and rolled his eyes. “Don’t do
that Andie. I’m not your messenger boy.” I fed Steve my best puppy dog eyes and
whimpered. “He wrote you a new song.”

My eyes widened with excitement. I loved when he wrote
songs about me. I bit my bottom lip and looked up to my baby. “He loves me,
huh?”

Steve cleared his throat and nodded, chugging his drink.
“The best way he knows how.”

Derrick finished his song and spoke into his mic. “A big
thanks to everyone coming out tonight for your love and support. Now I’m gonna
take a small break and go have a drink with my future wife.”

He slid in next to me and kissed my neck. “You did
amazing.” I beamed with pride.

“I’m so happy you’re here. I called you earlier, but it
went to voicemail. Figured you weren’t going to make it.” He smiled and picked
up my cell phone.

“Of course I was going to make it, don’t be dumb.” I
warned him. Kissing my nose, he went searching through my phone. “What are you
doing?” I wondered out loud.

He held up his finger to me and began speaking into my
cell phone. “Hey! You have reached the voicemail of the soon-to-be Mrs. Andie
Stevens. She cannot get to the phone right now, but leave her a message and
she’ll call you back! Bye!”

I smirked at his corniness and grabbed my cell phone back
from him.

Mrs. Stevens. I could get used to that.