The Stage (Phoenix Rising #1) (23 page)

“I’m the fire in this story?” he asks, matter-of-factly. His eyes are glazed over as if reliving the worst moments of my life brings back feelings for him, too. “Aren’t I?” I nod. “You don’t want to see me for three months, Mia?” I blink.

“Maybe it’ll be long enough for you to forget about me,” I say, knowing that a little piece of me will die inside if he does. I think that’s why I don’t submit to him. Why I don’t let myself feel. If I let myself truly become his, give him everything; if I did and he left me, I’d never be the same. He shakes his head ‘no.’

“If that’s what you think, you don’t know me at all.” I close my eyes. His boots move across the floor, the door opens, and he goes away down the too bright hallway.
It’s okay
, I tell myself. It’s not right to let the fire consume you. Fire is angry and fueled by energy around it. To persist, it overcomes everything around it. It always leaves scars behind.

Sometimes, you just need the grass.

*     *     *

I’ll never, for the life of me, forget the look on his face as I started to walk past him at the bottom of the stairs for the last time. He took my hand in his and said, “Don’t disrespect me again with this shit about me forgetting you.”

“Kolton,” I try.

“I’m waiting for you to catch up,” he whispered as he pulled me into his chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rubbed my nose along his chest ever so lightly. It hurt. Real bad. But rock stars don’t settle down, not really. And he’s smothering me. It’ll never work.

He’d negotiated that Deloris come for the full break and that Manny drives us home. It’s over an eight hour drive and I’m preoccupied with the scent of him still on my skin and on my clothes the entire time.

It’s like some other life when we walk in the door of our old apartment. It’s clean, but the air inside is old. I open the back door to the patio to bring in the cross breeze, just like my mom always did. She said it so often,
cross breeze
, sometimes I can feel her in the air.

That night, Manny runs to get us Taco Bell before he heads back. I offer to let him stay, but he makes some excuse about Kolton needing him, and then he goes.

I move out of the master bedroom and make a bed for myself on the couch so Deloris can have some privacy. I braid Riley’s hair and we play Jenga on the fold out dining table. In fact, it’s embarrassing how we live. An old thrift store couch, card table that I covered with a pretty tablecloth, and a small TV that sits on a particle board stand from Wal-Mart. Even the plates I picked up at Goodwill seem weird in comparison to those shiny white ones at Kolton’s house.

As I snuggle into the old lumpy brown couch, I take out Kolton’s phone and perk up when I see a message from him. It says,

K-Royce Private

8:02 PM

Did you get home okay?

9:15 PM

It’s weird being home.

9:16 PM

Because home is here with me.

I can’t answer him. It’s a nice thing he said, and he’s right. His house feels more like home than here. I haven’t caught up with him because deep down I don’t believe the things he’s said can be true. I believe he’s ahead of me, on many levels. But, as far as we’re concerned, I don’t think he really knows where he is on the journey.

*     *     *

I still take Kolton’s phone everywhere with me. I know he has some tracking thing on it so he always knows where I am. It’s reassuring and I feel like he’s with me—like I’m safe, as stupid as that sounds.

Riley, Deloris, Kaya, and I plop down in our modest apartment to watch the premier of
The Stage
. Really, it’s beautifully done. What I didn’t know was that, during the silhouette auditions, the cameras they used were those green cameras that can see in the dark. It gives the audiences at home the dramatic irony of knowing what we look like, while the judges don’t.

It’s weird watching myself walk out onto the stage, remembering how scared I was to fail. And how little I knew about how much this show would really change my life.

I hold Riley’s hand as they switch to our story and the interview, edited to include news footage of us on the lawn with our voice-overs talking about our parents’ deaths.

When I hear Riley start to sniff, I hold her tighter. I love her so much. She’s all I have and I want to make the best life for her that I can.

When I looked around, Deloris and Kaya have tears in their eyes, but I have to remind myself, them showing our story is all for ratings. It’s really obvious I’m being painted as the underdog. The music starts, and, as I start to sing, Kolton is the first to push his buzzer for me.

I’d wondered, and now I know.

*     *     *

After Riley and Deloris go to sleep. Kaya and I are still hanging out when I check Kolton’s phone to see what he thought of the show.

K-Royce Private

11:02 PM

Out of the ashes she rose.

Wings stretched. She’s on her toes

She showed me her scars

Love like the stars

Put your arms up, hands in my hair

So I can feel it when you stare

Those eyes they’ve seen me now

When I look up, Kaya is making popcorn and staring at me from under the cabinet that separates me from the kitchen.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” she asks. I shrug in the universal signal for not wanting to share.

“Nothing.” I avert my eyes. I don’t want her to try and guess.

“Well. Let’s start with, uh, you have a nanny, a body guard. Like, who’s paying for that? And you’re walking around like a love-sick puppy who’s lost the love her life or something.” The sound of the kernels popping as she says it grates my nerves.

“The show provided Deloris. She felt it was best not to skip out on Riley since she’s lost so many people already. They’re really close.”

“You’re the girl in the car, aren’t you?” And I feel my eyes glare at her from my side of the room.

“Kaya,” I say. “Don’t make me try and lie to you. Just do us both a favor and don’t ask me about it anymore. Okay?”

“But, I’m your best friend.” Her lower lip starts to quiver but I have to stand my ground.

“I don’t want you to have to lie. You can just say you don’t know, because you don’t.”

“You slept with him, didn’t you?” The microwave beeps it’s annoying, nagging sound. She takes the brown, puffed up bag out of the little white oven and slams the door shut.

“You’re gonna wake up Riley! Knock it off.”

“Well?” she says, tapping her foot like she does when she’s pissed off. She rips open the bag and shoves a steaming handful of popcorn into her mouth.

“No. I never slept with him. It’s not like that.” Her eyebrows come up in that expression that means she’s really about to go off. Another handful of popcorn, more foot tapping.

“Gah!” she says, and starts pacing. “Well, what’s it
like
, then?” I decide, then, I guess I could tell her some of it.

“He says he feels responsible for me. He’s helping me. He paid Deloris’ salary. He’s insisting on Manny staying here. He says he wants—I don’t know how to say this.” She stops pacing and her expression softens a little. “He wants to
earn
the right to be with me.”

She takes a step back and puts her hand up to her heart. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Nope. Not at all.” And I move over to the couch and flop down.

“
Earn
the right.” She sits crisscross on the old carpet and stares up at me like a puppy waiting for a treat. “He’s in love with you! And you haven’t slept with him yet?”

“No and I’m not going to. We didn’t part on good terms.”

“Why eva’ not?” she questions, in the worst English accent, ever.

“He’s so controlling. He moved me and Riley into his apartment without asking. He drove me there and, like, our stuff’s already there. He paid for a nanny without asking. He forces me to have a body guard with me. He keeps things from me. He—”

“Have you at least kissed him?”

“Yes, but you’re not listening!” I am beyond flustered. I’m making my case and she’s so preoccupied with Kolton that she doesn’t get what
I’m
saying.

“I would be swooning all over the place if someone, anyone even
close
to as hot as him, did all that nice stuff for me. And you’re complaining about it!”

“It’s not like that. You don’t understand. He controls everything I do.”

“But, Mia, he’s a rock star. He’s in control of everything in his life. He’s all sex god, cocky, alpha male.” She shivers like she’s having an orgasm. “Of course he’d do the same with you, especially if he cares for you.”

“You don’t understand.” I lean against the back of the couch and breathe out in frustration.

“Is he a good kisser? I mean, I know he’d have to be. But—” she’s motioning with her hands, like,
get with the program and tell me already.

“He’s in a league of his own in that department.” I feel a blush coming on and I can’t help but smile. He does know what he’s doing, and then I scowl.

“You’re such a bitch. Why are you making mean faces about his kiss?”

“Because he’s kissed a lot of other people just like he’s kissed me. And done a whole lot more than that.”

“Uh, yeah! He’s Kolton fucking Royce!” her hands went out like, duh! “You’re so jealous. Ohmygod! You’re in love with him, you jealous bitch! Did you at least enjoy it?”

I close my eyes and remember him, the feel of his lips. How his hands knew the right places to be. How he tasted and moved his tongue. I have to shake my head to get out of my daydream. “Yeah. I did.”

“You’re grinning now. I know that devious little smirk. You liked it. So why don’t you sleep with him. It would be fun, right? No strings attached.”

“Oh, no. There’re strings all over that shit. He’s—he’s possessive. The reason we didn’t. I mean there were these two times. He’s the one who stopped it.”

“Why?”

“He said I’m not ready. That it has to be
real
between us before he touches me. That he wants me to be on birth control. Why am I telling you all this?”

“Why haven’t you told me all this already is my question? Birth control? You’re not already?”

“Yeah. I got an IUD when me and Dean—you know.”

“Well, I would be all over that man, but I wouldn’t do it without a condom. That’s just weird that he wants to do that.”

“All of it’s weird,” I say. “I’m glad we’re apart so I can get some perspective.”

“You always think too much. Sometimes you just need to live. You’re young. You can make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world if you do.”

“That’s not how it is for me, Kaya. I have Riley and almost no money. You know my dad didn’t pay all the insurance and we’ve got just enough to cover the house. I lost their cars. I lost—everything and everyone. You have no idea how that feels.” I’m so jealous of her normalcy. She has this picture perfect little life. Her dad didn’t lose his job. Her dad didn’t get so depressed he turned into a shadow of his former self. Her house is still there with two parents inside it that love her. She’ll never understand.