The Stainless Steel Rat eBook Collection (144 page)

‘It might be, but it might also be a little embarrassing
when we arrived back at the Special Corps in that condition.’

‘Don’t worry about that, we’re not going back yet.’

There was a sudden stab of anxiety just below my sternum.

‘What do you mean? Where are we going?’

‘I’m sure I wouldn’t know. All Coypu said was
that the hop would be about 20,000 years into the future, just before this planet is to be destroyed.’

‘He and his mad mob again,’ I wailed. ‘You’ve just sent us off to tackle an entire planetary insane asylum – where they’re all against us!’

Everything froze as the time-helix actuated and I was whipped into time with that pained expression on my face. That expression lasted 20,000 years, which
was exactly how I felt.

Blam! It was like falling into a steam bath – and falling was the right word for it. Hot clouds of vapor rushed past us, and the invisible surface could be ten meters or ten miles below us.

‘Switch on your grav-chute,’ I shouted. ‘Mine’s back in the nonexistent nineteenth century.’

Perhaps I shouldn’t have shouted because Angelina turned the thing on at full lift and slithered up out
of my fond embrace like an oiled eel. I clutched madly and managed to grab one of her feet with both hands – whereupon the boot part of the one-piece space suit promptly came off her foot.

‘I wish you wouldn’t do that,’ she called down to me.

‘I agree with you completely,’ I answered incoherently through tight-clamped and grating teeth.

The suit stretched and stretched until the leg was twice
its normal length and I bobbed up and on down as though I were on the end of a rubber band. I took a quick look, but there was still only fog visible below. Space suit fabric is tough, but it was never designed to take a strain like this. Something had to be done.

‘Cut your lift!’ I called out, and Angelina responded instantly.

We were in free fall, and as soon as the tension was relieved, the
leg fabric contracted and snapped me back up to Angelina’s waiting arms.

‘Yum,’ I said.

She looked down and shrieked and hit the grav-chute power again. This time I wasn’t ready and I slipped right down and out of her embrace and was falling toward the solid-looking landscape that had suddenly appeared below.

In the small fraction of a second left to me I did what little I could. Twisting in
the air, spreading my arms and
legs wide, trying to land square on my back. I had almost succeeded when I hit.

Everything went black, and I was sure I was dead, and darkness overwhelmed my brain as well, and my last thought flashed before me. Not only did I not regret anything I had ever done, but there were a few things I wished I had done more often.

I could not have been unconscious more
than a few instants. There was foul-tasting mud in my mouth, and I spluttered it out and rubbed even more of it from my eyes and looked around me. I was floating in a half-liquid sea of mud and water from which large bubbles rose and broke with slow plops. They stank. Sickly-looking reeds and water plants grew on all sides.

‘Alive!’ I shouted. ‘I am alive.’ I had struck flat out on the syrupy
surface, dividing the blow over the entire back surface of my body. There were some aches and bruises, but nothing seemed to be broken.

‘It looks very nasty down there,’ Angelina said, hovering a few feet above my head.

‘It’s just as nasty as it looks so, if you don’t mind, I would like to get out of it. Can you sort of drop down so I can grab your ankles, which will permit you to drag me out
with a wet sucking sound?’

It was a large wet sucking sound as the decaying quagmire fought to hold onto me, parting only reluctantly with a slobbering sigh. I hung from my love’s ankles as we drifted over an apparently endless swamp which vanished in the fog in all directions.

‘There, over to the right,’ I called out. ‘Looks like a channel with running water. I think a wash and brush-up are
in order.’

‘Since I am upwind of you, I couldn’t agree more.’

The current was moving slowly, but still moving as I could tell by a tree trunk that drifted by. In the middle of the sluggish stream was a golden sandbar that seemed made for us. I dropped as Angelina came low, and even before she had
settled down herself, I was out of the noisome clothes and scrubbing the muck off in the water.
When I bobbed up, spluttering, I saw that she had peeled off the sweltering space suit and was combing out her long hair, which happened to be blond at the present moment. Very lovely and I was thinking the most romantic thoughts when fierce fire pierced my gluteus maximus, and I shot straight up out of the water, yiping like a dog whose tail has been caught in the door. As attractive and feminine
as she was, Angelina was still Angelina, and the comb vanished to be replaced by a gun, and almost before I touched the sand, she had fired a single well-aimed shot.

While she was applying a bandage to the double row of tooth marks in my derriere, I looked at the fish, half blown apart but still twitching, that had mistaken me for lunch. Its gaping mouth had more teeth than a dental supply house,
and there was a definitely evil look in its rapidly clouding eye. Grabbing it by the tail to evade its still-gnashing jaws, I threw it far out into the water. This started a tremendous flurry of action under the surface, and from the size of some of the things that leaped out and smacked back down I saw that I had been attacked by one of the smaller ones.

‘Twenty thousand years has done no good
at all to this planet,’ I said.

‘Finish rinsing off that mud, and I’ll stand guard. Then we’ll have some lunch.’ Ever the practical woman.

While I scrubbed, she shot up the piscatorial predators who came after me, including one large fish with fat flanks and rudimentary legs that waddled out of the water in an attempt to have me for lunch. We had it instead; the flanks concealed some fine thick
filets that roasted well over a low-set heat projector. Angelina had had the foresight to bring a flask of my favorite wine, which made the meal a memorable one. After which I sighed, eructated, and wiped my lips with satisfaction.

‘You have saved my life more than once in the last twenty thousand years,’ I said. ‘So I no longer am brimful of anger
for being whisked to this steam bath world rather
than back to the Corps. But can you at least tell me what happened and what Coypu told you?’

‘He tends to mumble a good deal, but I got the gist of it. He has been working on his time tracker or whatever he calls it and followed your jumps through time, as well as someone he referred to as the enemy, the one you call He. The enemy did something with time, created a probability loop that lasted
about five years, then terminated. Then He left this collapsing loop – and you didn’t. That’s why Coypu sent me back, to the minutes just before it ended, to bring you out. He gave me the setting for the time-helix that would enable us to follow He to this time. I asked him what we were supposed to do here but he kept muttering, “Paradox, paradox”, and wouldn’t tell me. Do you have any idea of what
is supposed to happen?’

‘Simple enough. Find He and kill him. That should put paid to the entire operation. I’ve had two tries at him, shooting once and thermite bombs the second, and haven’t succeeded. Maybe this will be lucky three.’

‘Perhaps you ought to let me take care of him,’ Angelina said sweetly.

‘A fine idea. We’ll blast him together. I have had just about enough of this temporal
paper chase.’

‘How do we find him?’

‘Simplicity itself, if you have a time energy detector with you.’ She did, Coypu’s foresight, and passed it over. ‘A simple flick of this switch and the moving needle points to our man.’

The switch flicked but did nothing more than release a little condensed water that ran out into my palm.

‘It doesn’t seem to be working,’ Angelina said, smiling sweetly.

‘Either that or they are not using the time-helix at this particular moment.’ I rummaged in my equipment. ‘I had to leave my space suit and some other things back in 1807, but Slippery Jim is never without his snooper.’

I was proud of the gadget and had designed it myself, and it was one of the few things He hadn’t taken from me. Rugged, it could resist almost anything except being dropped into
molten metal. Compact, no bigger than my hand. And it could detect the weakest of flickerings of radiation across a tremendous range of frequencies. I turned it on and ran my finger over the familiar controls.

‘Most interesting,’ I said, and tried the radio frequencies.

‘If you don’t enlighten me quick, I’ll never save your life again,’

‘You have to because you love me with an undying passion.
I get two sources, one weak and very distant. The other can’t be too far and is putting out on a number of frequencies, including atomic radiation and energy transmission, as well as a lot of radio. And something of more pressing urgency. Get out the sunburn cream – solar ultraviolet radiation is right up at the top of the scale. You can bet I’ve been well cooked already.’

We creamed and, despite
the heat, put on enough clothing to shield us from the invisible radiation that was pouring out of the clouded sky.

‘Strange things have happened to the Earth,’ I said. ‘The radiation, this soggy climate, the wildlife in this river. I wonder—’

‘I don’t. After completing the mission, you can do your paleogeologic research. Let’s kill He first.’

‘Spoken like a pro. I hope you don’t mind if I
rig a harness so we can share the benefit of the grav-chute equally this time?’

‘Sounds like fun,’ she said, loosening the straps.

The airborne Siamese twin arrangement lifted and took us low over the sea of gunk in the direction of all the activity. Mud and swamp continued for a boringly long time, and I was beginning to chafe in the straps and worry about the power supply when the higher land
finally appeared. First some rocks sticking up out of the water, then sheer cliffs. It took more juice to lift us up the side of these, and the indicator
on the power pack dropped quickly.

‘We are going to have to walk soon,’ I said, ‘which is at least better than swimming.’

‘Not if the land animals match those in the water.’

Ever optimistic my Angelina. As I was phrasing a witty and scathing
reply, there was a flash of light from the rampart of rocks ahead, followed instantly by an intense pain in my leg.

‘I’ve been shot!’ I shouted, more in surprise than pain, reaching for the grav-chute controls and finding that Angelina had already killed the power.

We dropped toward a wicked jumble of rocks, slowing and stopping only at the last minute. I hopped on one leg to the shelter of
an overhanging slab and was thinking of digging out my medikit when Angelina sprayed antiseptic on the wound, tore my pants leg half away, injected instant painkiller in my thigh, and probed the gory opening. She was ahead of me with everything, and I didn’t mind in the slightest.

‘A neat penetrating wound,’ she announced, spraying on surgifoam. ‘Should heal quickly, no problems, keep your weight
off it; now I have to kill whoever did it.’

All the drugs had slowed me down, and before I could answer, she had her gun in her hand and had faded silently into the rocky landscape. There is nothing like having a loving and tender wife who is a cool and accomplished killer. Maybe I wore the pants in the family – but we both wore guns.

Not too long after this there was the sound of explosions,
a great clattering in the rocks above and, soon after that, some hoarse screams that soon ended in silence. It is a tribute to Angelina’s prowess that I never for a second was concerned about her safety. In fact, I dozed off under the assault of the drugs coursing through my bloodstream and woke only when I was aware of tugging on the grav-chute harness. I yawned and blinked at her as she buckled
in beside me.

‘Am I allowed to ask what happened?’ I said. She frowned.

‘Just one man up there; I couldn’t find any others. There is a farm building of sorts, some machinery, crops growing. I must be slipping. I knocked him out, then could not bring myself to shoot him while he was lying there unconscious.’

I kissed her as we rose.

‘A conscience, my sweet. Some of us are born with them; yours
was surgically implanted. The results are the same.’

‘I’m not really sure I like it. There was a certain freedom in the old days.’

‘We all have to be civilized some time.’ She sighed and nodded, then gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

‘I suppose that you are right. But it would have been so satisfying to blow him into small pieces.’

We were over the last of the tumbled scree now and ascending
a small cliff. There was a plateau here on top of which was a low building made of cemented-together stones. The door was open, and I hobbled through it, leaning on Angelina’s shoulder. Inside, the dim light through the small windows revealed a large and cluttered room with two bunks against the far wall. On one of them a bound man lay twisting and turning, mumbling and growling into the gag that
sealed his mouth.

‘You get into the other bed,’ Angelina said, ‘while I see if I can get any intelligence out of this awful creature.’

I had actually taken the first steps toward the bunk before reason penetrated my soggy thoughts and I stopped dead.

‘Beds. Two of them? There must be someone else around the place.’

Whatever answer was on her lips was never spoken because a man appeared in
the doorway behind us, shouting noisily and firing an even noisier weapon.

He was shouting mainly because the weapon was blown from his hands even as he triggered it, and an instant later he was blown back out of the doorway. I saw all this as I dived and rolled and had my gun out just as Angelina was putting hers away.

‘Now that is more like it,’ she said, apparently addressing the silent pair of boots in the doorway. ‘Civilized conscience or no, I find that
shooting in self-defense still comes easily. I saw this one out among the rocks, stalking us as we came in, but I never had a clear shot. Everything should be quieter now. I’ll make some nice warm soup and you take a nice nap ….’