The Storm and the Darkness (34 page)

Her response surprised him. “I don’t believe that.”

“Don’t you?” She met his gaze squarely. “I’m not the only one.”

Jon held her gaze for a moment, and then dropped his eyes. “People like us…maybe we aren’t meant for that.”

“What a lovely sentiment,” she laughed it off, but the comment hit close to home. Had that not always been in the back of her mind? She was afraid of sharing herself…afraid that the other person would expect more from her than she could give. She didn’t know how to change, and realized, as she grew older that she didn’t want to. Not if that was the price of belonging to someone. She would be content belonging to herself.

Finn was such a nice person, and the extent of their connection had been born from unfortunate circumstances. Ana knew he loved her, but why? Did he see the darkness inside her? Did he understand her craving to be alone more than with others? Did he understand the sides of her that she kept closest to her chest? Maybe he did; he did live with Jonathan, after all. But was that what he wanted from life? To escape one for another?

Am I trying to sabotage this, before it even gets off the ground? Am I trying to convince myself that this will end up the same as the others, so I can walk away without feeling remorse? What is it that I am doing here? Then why did I stay?

Jonathan reached out and took her hand in his; a gesture that both surprised her and brought more comfort than she would have guessed. He didn’t say anything, and neither did she, both just enjoying quiet understanding.
 

Then, suddenly, his hand felt like poison. Ana exhaled, closed her eyes, and realized that she did know the reason she stayed; had known all along.

Jon is my darkness. To accept him is to accept that part of myself, and if I do that, I’ll never be rid of it. He would accept the things about me that I desperately want to change. I would slip deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of my own mind, and so would Jon.

But Finn could accept that darkness without allowing it to grow further out of control. He could live with who she was, because he had lived with someone just like her, his whole life. He knew what to expect and would help her find a way to come to terms with it, and–just maybe–change.

With Finn, she could be herself, but she could also be free.

Finn was finally ready to come home. He would need some additional care, but Jon could provide it and Ana would help. She would stay by his side forever, if that was what it took. “I’ve never been so happy to see a face in my entire life,” Finn had said when he awoke, and found her at his side.

“I know the feeling,” Ana said and kissed his hand. She wanted to do more, but Jon was nearby and she felt him wince at even the small amount of shared affection.
This is going to be a complicated arrangement, but we will have to figure it out.

Ana packed up Finn’s things while Jon helped him complete the necessary paperwork. As she shoved his clothes into the white plastic bag, she felt a presence behind her. She turned and Nicolas stood before her.

Her heart caught in her chest and she flew into his arms, burying her face into his chest. “Thank
god
,” she whispered. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Nicolas did not embrace her back, instead remaining rigid, his arms held stiffly at his sides. Stubbornly slow to accept his indifference, she finally pulled back. The expression on his face pierced her heart.

“I came to say goodbye,” Nicolas said. His voice was flat and void of emotion. His eyes were just as cold and distant. He took another step back, putting more distance between them.

“I guess my father told you I’m staying then,” she said. Her heart was racing; she knew this wasn’t what he meant with his goodbye, but she couldn’t bear to hear what she knew was coming next.

“I don’t give a fuck what you do anymore, to be honest, Ana.”

The tears welled in her eyes, threatening to spill. This was real; it was happening. This was her punishment for her actions. It wasn’t the punishment she expected, but it was no less deserved.
 

Ana felt her sacred control slipping away.
 
“Nicolas, I didn’t do it to hurt you-“

“Fuck you. You might not have done it to hurt me, but you knew it would and you did it anyway.” He laughed brutally, running his shaking hands through his dark hair. “I’ve always bent over backwards to accommodate your feelings and I’ve never asked you to do anything for me.
Ever
. But if I expected loyalty from anyone, it was
you
.”
 

“This had nothing to do with you!" She moved toward him but he pulled back, flinching.
 

"It had
EVERYTHING
to do with me!" Nicolas thundered.

His words hung heavy between them, as well as all the other ones left unspoken. The beeping sound from the monitor in the next room pulsed in Ana's ears.
 

"Have you asked yourself why you're so hurt by this?" She asked quietly. She realized she did not want his answer, though she continued blindly anyway. "I have wronged your sister, and in a way, I have wronged Oz, by being an equal party to hurting Adrienne. I've certainly wronged myself through my terrible judgment. But you're the only one in this whole situation that was
not
wronged, yet here you are acting as if I've betrayed
you
!"

Nicolas took a deep breath. “You could have fucked anyone in the world, Ana, and I’d have sat by your side and laughed and cheered you on. I knew those assholes never meant anything to you. But you had
feelings
for Oz. Hell, maybe you still love him? Please, don’t tell me, because I really don’t fucking want to know. Were you just pushing me to see what it would take to break me?"

“It wasn’t like that,” Ana said; the tears were flowing now, streaming down her cheeks. She didn’t have the energy to fight it. “I’ve made some really messed up decisions, but this had nothing to do with you.”

He laughed, and it was a cruel, cold sound that pierced her heart. “We’re all fucked up. That is such a bullshit excuse for doing fucked up shit. Both of you seem to think you can just do whatever the fuck you want and it will be okay because you’re just r
eally messed up
and obviously that makes it all right!”

“I didn’t say it was okay,” she cried. "But why are you so hurt by this? Have you stopped to ask yourself why you're so hurt when in fact I've done absolutely nothing to YOU?"

"You are not going to play dumb with me," Nicolas said, through gritted teeth. "Damn you, Ana, we have been close for too long for you to pretend you
don't fucking know
."

Ana didn't want to think about what his words meant. She wanted to feel his comforting arms around her. She longed for everything to be okay again. Suddenly she saw him again in that pink shirt he wore to her graduation; his goofy, warm smile.
I will always be here for you, Muffins
.

She fell at his feet then, tugging at his hands. She did not care how desperate or ridiculous she looked. “I love you! I am so sorry, I never, ever meant to hurt you…”

Nicolas pushed her off, and she tumbled back on to the ground. “It took me years to realize this, but you don’t give a shit about me. You ruined the only friendship that ever mattered to me, and you…” His voice trailed off. He drew a deep, stabilizing breath. “You’re the most self-absorbed piece of work I have ever met, and I deserve so much better than this.”

Ana was on her knees, the tears streaming down her face, looking up at him. “You know that isn’t true. You know I would do anything for you.”

“Get up off the ground, you look pathetic,” he spat, and turned away, disgusted.

She pulled herself up in shame, moving to stand in front of him again. She searched his face for any signs of warmth, of the old Nicolas. She found none.

“I want you and Oz both to leave me alone. Don’t call me wanting to talk about whatever ridiculous shit is bothering you at the moment. Don't drop by. Don't invite me to family reunions.” Nicolas moved closer then, and she cringed, as if afraid he was going to strike her. He laughed. “How long have you known me? Would I really hit you? Fuck’s sake, Ana.”

“I didn’t think–“ she started to say, and then stopped herself. He didn’t want to hear her whimpering and her pandering. This would be her last chance to say the things she wanted to say. She should not waste it. “I can't say I understand your feelings, or your hatred. You are wrong when you say I never cared about you. I’ve always needed you. And I’ve always loved you.” She reached her hand out and touched his arm. He looked at her hand the way he might look at a mosquito that had the audacity to land on him.

“Whether you do or not is irrelevant,” he snapped. She dropped her hand. “I almost hate myself as much as I hate you. It’s my own fault for loving you so fucking much. It’s not natural…”

Oh, Nic, why did you have to say it out loud? Why couldn’t we have gone our whole lives without addressing it? Now it can never be unsaid.

“Please don’t go,” she croaked, but the plea was weak. There was nothing she could say, after that admission.
I love you, but not like that. I need you, but not the way you need me.

For a moment his eyes were filled with the warmth she had known from him her whole life. But just like that it was gone. “I
can’t
. And I won’t.”

Nicolas turned and left without another word.
 

She sat on the hospital bed and sobbed, emotions flooding her. The tears came with short, choking sobs, and she gripped the bed frame, struggling for breath. The control she had always held so dearly was escaping her entirely, and was replaced by the first real emotional pain she had ever known.

You are not going to play dumb with me.
Those words had driven a wedge between them that was bigger than any imagined betrayal.
It’s my own fault for loving you so fucking much. It’s not natural.

Ana would not dwell on his words. She could spend hours dissecting their meaning, but the truth would leave her emptier than she felt the moment she watched him walk away, and out of her life. And if she were honest with herself, she had always known the truth, instead choosing to live in the bliss of willful ignorance.

How much of her life had she given up, in order to live in the comfort of his unconditional love? How many experiences? How many relationships?
It is not your fault, Nic. It is mine. I chose this path because it was easier to be loved by the wrong person than to be hurt by the right one.

A ray of sunlight splashed through the dark storm clouds, penetrating the grimy window to light up the floor near her feet. The light danced and sparkled on the cold linoleum, as the clouds moved across the sky.
 

She stared at the dancing patterns for a while, focusing on the patterns, the details. Her tongue found the roof of her mouth, and her toes curled tightly in her tennis shoes.
Breathe, Muffins.

For the first time in my life, I am entirely on my own.
Ana had never realized how much she relied on Nicolas to keep her stable, and secure. How she had taken for granted not only his presence, but his unwavering support and loyalty.
 

I never want to rely on another person that much ever again.

Ana continued to watch the light flood the room, and as the clouds left the sky, so they also left her thoughts.
I am my father’s daughter.

Slowly, her control was restored. Her breathing calmed, her heart stopped skipping, and the heat in her face subsided.

Jon popped his head into the door. He pushed Finn in a wheelchair, and Finn was smiling at her. His eyes were filled with love, but also with understanding and acceptance.
 

“You ready?” Jon asked.

I am ready to leave the past behind and start a new life; to make up for my mistakes by giving myself, selflessly.
 

In letting me go, Nicolas may have given me the greatest gift he’s ever given me.

Ana smiled. She took a deep breath, standing straighter, Finn’s bag of clothes tucked under one arm.
 

Yes, she was ready.
 

Novels by Sarah M. Cradit

The House of Crimson and Clover Series

St. Charles at Dusk

The Storm and the Darkness

The Illusions of Eventide- Coming 2014

Midnight Dynasty- Coming 2014

Moonlight and Midwinter- Coming 2015

The Starlight Awakening- Coming 2015

Acknowledgements

This book would not have been possible without the overwhelming support from a large cast of amazing friends, family, and fellow writers. It’s impossible to name them all, but I will touch on as many as possible.

I will start with my beta readers. Without their feedback, you would not be reading this.

Amanda Richardson: It is not often we get to meet, and befriend, our biggest fan. You kept me focused, motivated, and inspired to move forward, by loving my characters as much as I did. You endured my crazy brainstorm sessions like a champ (and still do!). You help put the fun back in writing. Thank you, Amanda, for being my muse, and for being such a great friend.

Tara Shaner: What could I possibly say that would come close to covering the scope of the work you’ve done for me? Your comments and edits went far beyond anything I could have dreamed from a traditional beta reader. Your feedback made me a stronger writer, and I can’t put a price on the value of that. More than that, I enjoyed sharing this experience with you as you walked with me, step by step, into the world of the Deschanels and Sullivans once again. I imagine our friendship might one day come down to a fight over who gets Nicolas.

Candace Heath: I thoroughly enjoyed–and benefited from–your play-by-play reader feedback and witty commentary. The opportunity to get inside the reader’s head at each turn is invaluable to me, and you gave me an opportunity to take that journey as a reader instead of a writer. It’s one I would not have had otherwise.

Misty Maller: You’ve been one of my most vocal and powerful supporters since the very beginning. The support you’ve given me goes far beyond reader feedback. You continue to inspire me with everything you do, and I continue to be grateful to count you as a friend.