Authors: Max Frei,Polly Gannon
Tags: #Mystery & Detective, #Horror, #Fiction, #Fantasy, #General, #Epic
The Stranger (107 page)
“Hey gang, you know what?” I shouted when we had started in on the next jug of kamra from the
Glutton Bunba
(we had polished off so many I had lost count.) “I’m happy.”
Glutton Bunba
(we had polished off so many I had lost count.) “I’m happy.”
Why in the World were they roaring with laughter? They couldn’t possibly have seen the Droopy Dog cartoons.
In the evening, I felt even happier, since I got to spend time with Chuff. He really did lick me from head to toe, but I didn’t mind. Then my eyelids started growing heavy. Had they cast a spell on me? But who needs a spell when a person hasn’t slept for two days or overindulged in Elixir of Kaxar?
In the middle of the night I woke up, unable to remember where I was. Looking around, I realized I was in my own bed at Sir Juffin’s, and that he was sitting over by the wall. His eyes seemed to glitter in the dark—but whose eyes don’t play tricks on them when they’re fresh from sleep? Anyway, the sight of him sent shivers down my spine.
“Sleep, Max. Don’t bother me,” my boss said drily. And I dropped off to sleep like a good boy.
In the morning Juffin looked tired, but satisfied.
“Go home, Max. I think I’ll sleep a bit. Come to the Ministry after lunch, or even later. It doesn’t matter when, just show up. And don’t forget about the kerchief if you feel like taking a nap. You’re just going to have to get used to it.”
“Well, if you say so. What did you find out about me?”
“Loads of things that wouldn’t interest you. Now scram, you monster! Let this old geezer get some rest.”
At home I was set upon with loud meows by Ella, who was even stouter than when I had left. Armstrong, in his turn, demonstrated brilliant logic: he stared at me pensively, then lazily walked over to his bowl. Well, it made perfect sense.
“Did you miss me?” I asked cheerily. “You don’t have to put on an act. I know you didn’t. I just cramp your style! I come in here making all kinds of noise; but that’s all right, I’ll feed you now.”
After feeding my beasties, I began unpacking my bags. It’s hard to imagine anyone returning from a trip to another World with such useless stuff! The clothes and knick-knacks of Lady Marilyn; the flotsam and jetsam I had accidentally pulled out of the Chink between Worlds, including the box of Cuban cigars. I’ll have to take it to the Ministry, I thought. Some aficionado will surely step forward to claim them. The eleven maps of Kettari I would gladly have hung in the living room, but Sir Juffin had warned me that these souvenirs should be safely hidden from prying eyes. So I would have to hide them more carefully.
Finally, I pulled out a small, crumpled parcel. Sinning Magicians, I forgot! My one and only surprise for Sir Juffin, Dish Number 13 from the evening menu of the
Country Home—
that Kettarian delicacy, that reeking bacon grease, that acme of unfathomable vileness, a “remedy for nostalgia,” etc. Never mind, I’d give him his treat later in the day. Better late than never.
Country Home—
that Kettarian delicacy, that reeking bacon grease, that acme of unfathomable vileness, a “remedy for nostalgia,” etc. Never mind, I’d give him his treat later in the day. Better late than never.
I left for work just after noon. The black and gold Mantle of Death seemed to me like the best of all possible garments. I must really have been homesick.
Sir Juffin wasn’t there yet. But in the Hall of Common Labor, Lonli-Lokli was already sitting in state, dressed all in white, his hands in the embellished protective gloves clasped over his chest.
This vision completely satisfied my esthetic expectations, and I broke into a smile.
“Shall we run down to the
Glutton
and back, Shurf? Or shall we pretend that you’re too busy?”
Glutton
and back, Shurf? Or shall we pretend that you’re too busy?”
“Too busy I’m not,” he replied. “The
Glutton Bunba
is a place I missed even when we were in the
Country Home
.”
Glutton Bunba
is a place I missed even when we were in the
Country Home
.”
“Even in the back room of the
Country Home
, where stern, gray-haired men threw themselves into games for small stakes, to kill time? I don’t believe it!”
Country Home
, where stern, gray-haired men threw themselves into games for small stakes, to kill time? I don’t believe it!”
“You’re right, Max. Let’s go, before I change my mind. Sir Melifaro, I’m leaving.”
“Has something already happened in the dark alleys of our capital, gentlemen killers?” Melifaro’s quizzical face poked out of the doors of his office. “Whose blood are you planning to drink? Really—has something happened?”
“No,” Lonli-Lokli said. “We just think that your backside alone will be more than enough to wipe the dust off the chairs of our side of the Ministry. And Max and I will be doing just about the same thing, but in another place. I deeply regret that your working schedule won’t allow you to accompany us to the
Glutton
at this time of day.” He turned to me. “Let’s hurry, Max, before something does happen. You’re too lucky in attracting adventures.”
Glutton
at this time of day.” He turned to me. “Let’s hurry, Max, before something does happen. You’re too lucky in attracting adventures.”
Melifaro’s mouth fell open. The airy monologue of the deadpan Lonli-Lokli, the last bastion of seriousness in our small, zany organization, was too much for him.
“Where’s our good old Lomki-Lonki? What did you do to him at that resort town, Max? Cast a spell on him? Admit it, you beast you!”
“There’s nothing to admit. I just gave him a piece of my mind a few times and swore at him like it was going out of style. Right, Shurf?” I winked at Lonli-Lokli. “I’ll have to try the same thing on this fellow here. Who knows what kinds of transformations—”
“Yes, Max, that was some first-rate cussing you did there,” Shurf said with an air of nostalgia. “As for Melifaro, I think you might want to give it a try in his presence. Maybe after that he’ll finally learn my name. You must do it soon. In the interests of civic peace and social tranquility.”
And we left proudly, the two most fearsome people in the Unified Kingdom, I in the Mantle of Death, and Shurf in the Garments of Truth—a veritable double-edged sword.
An hour later we returned, and Melifaro forced us to go over the whole thing again.
“Come on, what did you do to Loki-Lonki, Mr. Bad Dream?”
Poor Melifaro, the best investigator in all this World, kept on trying to get to the bottom of this unyielding mystery. I even started feeling sorry for him. It had been so long since I had had my own secrets, though. These days I was always trying to uncover the secrets of other people.
“I’ve told you the honest truth, friend. Shurf tried to wake me up, and I let him have it. Then I just about died with shame. But everything blew over, as you can see. Maybe my cursing worked like a spell.”
“What exactly did you tell him?” Melifaro prodded incredulously.
“I don’t remember. Ask him yourself. He took notes on my performance, and then demanded that I translate the meaning of some very colorful and exotic words.”
“He took notes? Well, Max, you’ve put my mind at ease. It’s not all that bad. Only good old Shurf is capable of writing down all the filth people say to him in good conscience. To broaden his horizons. Yes, that means everything is fine.”
Juffin was already waiting for me in the office by the time I returned to the House by the Bridge.
“Ta-da!” I exclaimed from the doorway. “I completely forgot! You asked me to bring you a souvenir from your homeland.” I drew the crumpled parcel from the pocket of the Mantle of Death. “I decided to give you the thing that moved me more than all the other Kettarian wonders. Don’t be offended.”
“Offended? Why should I get offended, Max?” I noticed with astonishment that Juffin was sniffing the package and inhaling its unbearable stench with downright pleasure. “Oh, I understand. You know nothing about real delicacies, son!” Sir Juffin carefully unwrapped the parcel and bit off a piece in delight. “You wanted to laugh at the old man, didn’t you? You can’t imagine how happy you’ve made me!”
Deep down, I’m not such a scoundrel as I seem. I wasn’t terribly disappointed. If Sir Juffin considers that to be a rare delicacy—well, so much the better.
“Excellent,” I said, and smiled. “The greater are my chances of escaping alive from the clutches of the famous Kettarian Hunter.”
“Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t indulge in false modesty, nor would I get my hopes up. Didn’t Mackie tell you that hope is a foolish sentiment?”
“So you were there with me, Juffin? I knew it, I just knew it!”
“Don’t be silly, Max. I was right here in Echo, and I was engaged in much more important matters than—” He trailed off, but his smile was cunning.
“The next time you’re on hand to observe my sensational adventures, if it’s not too much trouble, will you please applaud my modest victories? I’d appreciate it.”
And with enormous pleasure I demonstrated the famous Kettarian gesture, two gentle taps on the nose with the forefinger of the right had. Practice had made perfect—I did it almost automatically.
“Oh, Max!” Juffin said. “Sometimes you’re really touching, do you know that? Fine. You’ll be having a mug of kamra with Melamori soon. Sir Kofa will grab you tonight, there’s no room for doubt there. And Lookfi won’t fail to visit you at sundown, as soon as he puts the buriwoks to bed for the night, and before you leave for home. How do you like that for a busy schedule? You won’t collapse in exhaustion?”
“I just might. And you, Juffin? Have you had enough for today?”
“Absolutely. I’m on my way home. Do as you wish, but I’m tired after the past few days. I’ll just stop by Xolomi—one of the old-timers there took a notion to escape, can you imagine? Now the boys are trying to scrape his remains from the walls of his cell, and I’m required to be present, since someone there thinks it’s a serious case. A ‘serious case’!” Juffin said comically, and stood up. I plunked myself down in the chair he had just vacated.
Thereafter, everything happened strictly according to the schedule Sir Juffin Hully had devised. I even shared some kamra with Lady Melamori, as he had predicted—something I really hadn’t counted on. But we chattered away like old friends, I won’t deny it.
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