The Suicide Club (6 page)

Freddy was ushering us into some dense bushes that lined the long driveway up to the dorms. It was pretty cool how Freddy, the talk of the whole school, had somehow managed to latch on to us.

I had seen the school lake a few times, but never at night.

‘Where are we going, Freddy?' Jenny asked.

‘Just follow me,' is what he said softly.
Just follow me
. His eyes were sparkling in the moonlight. Freddy was strange. I detected some weird, indefinable sadness in him. On the surface he was excited because he had made new friends and he had coaxed us all the way up here. In that manner he
was like a little boy but behind that there was definitely something up. All of a sudden I had a compulsion to throw my arms around him and give him a big hug, tell him that everything was going to be OK. I had been drinking, yes, but it was more than that. There was definitely something about him.

We followed him through the bushes, which were quite thick, in near-enough pitch blackness, all five of us. Five went in, five came out, but it wasn't as simple as that. Those bushes were like the wardrobe in Narnia; when we came out the other side we were in a whole different world.

We were stood at the top of a gentle grassy hill. I was looking at my feet when I came out but, as my eyes rose up towards the sky, the grass ran away to a vast silver lake that glimmered in the bright moonlight. I was instantly hit with awe. It was like something out of a picture book.

‘You've got to see this place I found.' Freddy was beckoning us on, so excited by whatever it was he was about to show us.

It was strange but also endearing how he was speaking to us as if we were old friends, as if we hadn't just met that day.

‘This place is like, so beautiful,' Jenny whispered in her very over-the-top American way.

But she wasn't wrong. Dare I say it, the place had a historic majesty about it. You could feel the souls of past students presiding over the lake and its secrets. Well, not really, but you know what I mean.

The grass was wet underfoot as Freddy led us all the way down to the water's edge to a gravel path that wound around the shore. I can remember that the air was freezing, so cold it felt like needles were pricking my face.

‘I found this yesterday.' Freddy was looking over his shoulder as he walked, as if he knew the path like the back of his hand. I watched his breath curl up into the night sky
and listened to the soft sound of the lake gently lapping the shore. I liked the way that he had saved somebody's life earlier on that day but now here he was acting like everything was normal, like he hadn't done something amazing.

Presently, we came to a rise in the land where the path strayed away from the lake slightly. There were a few trees in this raised area growing on either side of the path, making it much darker.

It was in these trees that Freddy stopped.

‘Ta-da.' He was gesturing away from the lake towards what I guess would be called a stone folly.

It was perfect, like something out of ancient Greece or something. It was a kind of stone shelter, made from big old bricks with a flat roof covered in ivy that hung down like a fringe. It must have been at least a hundred years old.

Inside was a stone bench, which we all sat on and which turned our backsides to ice. From this vantage point we could see the lake. It was perfectly framed by two tall trees, whose canopies interlinked overhead. A thin layer of mist had formed on the surface, as if some of the water had got curious and decided to take a look at us. For a few moments we just sat there and stared at it.

Freddy sighed. ‘I guess it's not so bad coming to live here.'

I felt for him when he said that. It sounded like he had been thrown into this situation without a choice and here he was opening up to us because he didn't have anyone else to talk to.

I looked at Clare sat next to me, our legs touching. I knew she would say something. Her pale face was glowing silvery.

‘You didn't want to come here?'

Freddy paused.

‘I don't know. A part of me is glad because it's a big
adventure and stuff and I'm out on my own in the world, but . . . I don't know.'

We didn't push it any further. I didn't want to mention that what he was saying didn't exactly match up with what he had told me and Jenny earlier that night when he said he saw boarding school as an adventure.

The view from here was stunning, clearer still in the cold winter air.

‘I wish I could spend my whole life doing things like this,' I said, my emotions running away as they so often do. My head was buzzing pleasantly from the alcohol I had consumed.

‘I intend to,' Freddy said. ‘This is how I'm going to live my whole life. When I leave school I'm going to do this sort of thing all the time.'

I looked out at the silver lake and wondered if it was possible to live a life where all you did was magical things, like huddle on a stone bench with your friends in the middle of the night.

‘I'm not going to let anything get me down. It's this idea I have. Like, I'm never going to get a job unless I like the job.' He sucked some spit in off his bottom lip, carefree. ‘It makes no sense to work if you hate it. We only get one life so what's the point in wasting big chunks of it doing things that you don't want to?' He was speaking so softly, like he was in a daydream. His speech was slightly slurred, but not so much that what he was saying didn't seem heartfelt.

‘There are so many people in the world doing things that they don't want to do, and it's depressing.' He leaned forward from the stone bench and looked at us all, his eyes glittering. ‘I never want to be like that. I'm never ever going to let the weight of the world crush me.' He paused and again I got the feeling that he was trying to tell us something. After a few seconds he decided to go on. ‘My mum always says that I
used to be really sensitive when I was a little kid. But I still feel that way now. Nothing's changed inside me. I don't think it ever will. I
want
to feel like this because people get old and they just, sort of, harden. I don't want to be like that.'

I was shocked by his outright honesty, the way he seemed to trust us enough to speak like this.

‘I want my life to be one big romantic adventure. A journey towards paradise. I want to be part of a world inside a world. See, I think that there are lots of people like us.'

‘What do you mean?' asked Jenny. ‘“Like us”?'

‘You know.' Freddy nodded out to the lake. ‘People who like doing things like this. When I was back home, my friends wouldn't come to a place like this if I asked them. They'd tell me to fuck off. They'd want to try and get into a club or something. But I'd much prefer to come to somewhere like this and just talk.'

I smiled. I preferred things like this as well; we all did. It wasn't just going to the lake, it was far more than that. I had always felt like I was different from most of the kids at my school. They all seemed so normal, they fitted in so well. I was popular in school, but I felt like I was lying. I felt like I had to act different to how I was so that I could fit in.

‘I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, and sometimes I think the world has got something really wrong with it, but I just
know
that there are other people like us, who feel the same way as us, all over the place. Do you know what I mean?'

I did know. I knew exactly what he meant. Nobody said anything.

‘They probably feel really cut off, but they're not. It just feels that way because there's a big distance between us. That's what special is – being rare, right? But I want to find people like that and hold on to them. Don't you think that would be great? Like if there was a sort of club?'

‘A club for lost souls?' I said dramatically.

‘Yes! And we'll find each other and when we do we'll make sure we live our lives to the absolute limit. All of the people who refuse to give up on their dreams will go together into the unknown, wherever it may take us, and leave everyone else behind.'

I thought for a moment about my dream of writing cartoons for kids and wondered if I would ever give up on that. The way things were looking I'd go to university and study something that would give me a safe career because that was what my parents wanted. I didn't want to do it, but I certainly felt the pressure.

Freddy brushed his hand through his hair. It looked like he may have been getting upset – it was hard to tell.

‘I see adults walking around and I think, What happened to you? Why did you give up? I've actually said this to my dad and he just said, “You'll learn.'”

I didn't know if he was still talking to us at this point, but we were certainly still listening.

‘Well, I don't really want to learn that lesson. It doesn't sound like much of a thing to learn – how to collapse. People always said that I'd stop liking this or stop liking that when I got older, but it's never happened so far. I still have my
Phantom Menace
figures! One of my teachers asked me if I wanted to drive a nice car when I'm older and I said that that sort of thing doesn't really interest me and he told me that it will when I see my friends driving around in them.' He leaned forward and looked at us. ‘But I don't believe that. I don't think I ever will.'

‘My parents always say that to me!' Matthew exclaimed. ‘I know what you mean!' I was surprised how urgently he said it; he was usually so sceptical about this sort of dreamy-talking. I noticed that he had his arm around Jenny. She was looking out across the lake, not saying anything.
Her parents were probably the strictest out of all of us.

‘I think we just have to hang on. That's the secret. Like as if we're in a tree and life is trying to shake us out. Nearly everyone will fall off but I think a few people can stick it out if they have each other for support. People like us.' He swallowed. ‘That's what I mean.'

‘But it's not that easy, is it?' said Matthew. ‘It's nice to talk about it, sure, but you have to get a job eventually.'

‘Yeah, but not doing something you hate. That's what I mean. You don't want to have a miserable life.'

Clare sat up.

‘I want to hear more about this adventure.'

Freddy's tone changed suddenly. The serious side of him had suddenly left and a playful side had taken its place.

‘It's an adventure, that's all. For the people who never let go. Like, tomorrow we'll stop off in a forest glade, drink wine and recite poetry about unrequited love.'

The picture burned up in my mind with incredible clarity. It was tongue in cheek but it was still very strong.

‘Can we wear scarves?' I asked.

Freddy raised an eyebrow.

‘My dear Richard, scarves are an imperative.'

‘My God,' cooed Clare. ‘That sounds ace. I'll bring a picnic hamper.'

Then Jenny cottoned on.

‘And I'll take pictures of the whole thing.'

‘Black-and-white, of course,' Freddy said with a smile. He stopped and looked at us again. ‘I think I'm glad I've met you.' Reaching inside his coat he pulled out a packet of Marlboro Lights. ‘Let's smoke cigarettes.' He looked at us as if we were naughty children about to break the rules. Which, I suppose, is exactly what we were. Matt declined but the rest of us accepted.

‘We need to smoke a
lot
on our grand adventure,' Freddy
said. ‘And make love in bedsits on cloudy afternoons.'

‘Freddy!' Clare's eyes opened wide in
faux
shock.

‘I'm sorry,' he protested, ‘but it's true. We can't deny ourselves
anything
. That's the point of the whole philosophy.' He sat back on the slab and leaned against the wall. ‘To live like that.'

His hair looked blue in the moonlight. I lit my cigarette and blew out some smoke. I couldn't tell where the smoke ended and my condensed breath began. My insides were humming. I had had my feelings articulated into words with perfection. Somebody understood me. I had found someone. There was a comfortable silence, the atmosphere happy and light as we shared the remainder of the vodka and smoked away in the freezing-cold folly whilst the snow-white lake shone only for us.

WHEN MY PARENTS
got back together, they asked me how I would feel about their having another baby – a new member of the family. I said absolutely not, went crazy, threw a lot of things that I owned and slammed my door. My parents never did have another kid and my job was done. But now when I try to remember it I get the worst human feeling – that one where you know you've done something very wrong and which you can never undo.

When I think back on that time, I feel awful for what I did. The reason my parents wanted a new baby was because it would set a marker for their relationship – out of something bad would come something good. The new baby would have really brought them close – which they are now, but not like it was before. They'll never get back to the way it was because something happened to their relationship which was Not Natural. And you never come back from something like that.

It was during that time that I went off the rails in a big way. I had just turned fourteen and over those few months I went nuts. Crazy. I shouldn't have been like that – most people in that situation would be relieved that their life was back on track. But not me. For some stupid adolescent reason, I wanted revenge. I wanted my parents to go through the hell that I went through. I know that sounds ridiculous,
and I don't know why I reacted so irrationally, but that's what happened. I wish I could have been stronger but I wasn't. I am trying to change that now though.

I used to stay out late, get drunk, smoke cannabis in my bedroom, misbehave in school, the lot. I really was a little bastard. On one occasion an eminent doctor, and father of one of my friends, had to take me home in the back of his minivan (people carrier – we call them minivans because that's what the American kids in school call them) because I got out of my skull on vodka in his basement. My parents were horrified and were tearing their hair out. They kept telling me that I had problems but I didn't listen. Then I did something bad. I did something very, very bad, my Bad Thing, which I will never forget but won't go into here. Many people still remember it because old people have difficulty forgiving, but I don't think I deserve my reputation as a hell-raiser because I try to be a good boy nowadays, I really do. Probably the worst thing about my Bad Thing was that it didn't stop me. I had been so angry at the time that the incident hadn't made me see the light. I carried on the way I was, getting lower and lower.