The Suicide Diary (22 page)

I hugged my arms around me, just trying to keep myself together. Excusing myself to go to the little girl’s room, I closed the bathroom door behind me and slumped to the floor. I shouldn't be here. The weeks had passed like a blur and I had barely crossed the door unless necessary. Laughter outside the door brought me back to the present and I stood up abruptly. I turned to walk out but not before I caught a glimpse of the girl in the mirror. Kara had done her best but my hair had already lost it fullness. I wiped the smudged mascara under my eyes and forced a smile across my face. Pulling my shoulders back and taking a deep breath, I pulled the door the ladies open and then the main toilet door too and walked straight into the person walking in from on the other side.

Our arms and legs were tangled around each other as we both tried to steady ourselves. I tried to stay upright, only to stumble and almost fall again but not before he caught me. I heard an explosion of laughter and startled myself realising it had come from me. He smiled at me and gently helped me back onto my feet.

"Sorry." we both started and then he laughed lightly. Some of his drink had spilt on the floor but he didn’t seem to notice so I just nodded and hurried back to my friends, mulling over how it had felt when that laugh had ripped through me. It had felt good, a little strange but nice. It was like tasting a familiar flavour after a long time. I laughed around my friends but it didn’t always come naturally – that was no reflection on them, it was just that much harder to fake being happy in front of people who know you.

I rejoined the group of girls, and for the first time in a long time, I joined in their conversations instead of just being a bystander. They probably noticed my sudden chattiness, but thankfully made no mention of it, although Kara did smile at me a little like my Mother would do when I had done something well.

I could feel his eyes on me and I looked away quickly but a few seconds later I glanced around and he was still staring. He didn't smile. Had I annoyed him when I knocked him over or maybe some of his drink had spilt down him too? His t-shirt looked clean enough. So why was he staring? I tried to make a conscious effort to ignore him and concentrate on the conversation again.

"Hi" came a voice right by my side.

I turned quickly to find him standing next to me. I almost jumped at the close proximity. I must have taken too long to respond because his smile was fading and his eyes narrowed.

"Sorry, hi" I shook myself "And sorry again for nearly knocking you over and...” I said.

He shook his head and smiled. It almost knocked my breath from me. I hadn't noticed his smile earlier. I didn't notice anyone anymore. I wanted to take a step back and let Kara’s circle of friends’ envelope me. I certainly didn't want to stand here with this complete stranger, making strained if polite conversation. Then I felt a nudge from behind and I knew one of the girls was pushing me closer to him. So much for helpful friends!

He wasn't anything like the kind of guy I would usually go for. His hair was closely shaved and he had stubble that looked like he hadn't bothered to shave in days. He had a tattoo on his inner right arm, but I couldn't see what it was from the angle he held his arms by his sides. He was wearing black jeans and a t-shirt with a band that I didn’t recognise. It took me a few seconds to take all this in and he stood patiently watching me make my assessment. My eyes flicked back to his to find they hadn't left mine. I didn't know what he wanted but my confusion wasn't the only reason I had to excuse myself. I couldn't breathe with him staring at me like that so openly. And so I said I'd changed my mind about having a glass of wine, wandered off in the general of the bar and then slipped out the side door.

I sent a text to Kara to say I could feel a headache coming on, so I’d headed home to my bed. I didn’t feel too bad since she was out nearly night after being offered a full time job. She had got a full-time job not long after passing her final exams with 1:2 degree and after a year and half of working her ass off she had been given a promotion. It was just a ‘small’ one she said but I knew she was excited and she deserved to be proud of her hard work. She had a reunion night out with her class soon and Lucy would be there too so I would make it up to her.

I always shower in the evening before bed. As if the water will help wash the day from my very skin. But no matter how much I scrub my flesh and despite the time I now spend putting my thoughts into this diary I still find myself laid in bed every night with my thoughts coming at me so loudly there may as well be someone in the room screaming into my face. I cannot remember the last night I slept soundly through the night. Eventually I fell into a broken sleep just like every other night.

Alex turned into the car park and put on the break. Leaning over the steering wheel resting his chin on his hands, he stared out the window at the cold, autumn day. He felt the chill in the air as he got out of the car. Walking along the path he eventually came to the headstone he was looking for. He wasn’t really sure why he’d come here at this moment.

He hated cemeteries, with the crying people and the already dying flowers they left behind. They only served as a reminder of what you had lost, instead of thinking about what you had gained by having that person in your life. Alex thought about the boy Conor who had lost his Mother far too soon and believed that you should focus on the positive.

It was Sunday afternoon and he felt weary from lack of sleep. He wasn’t going to be able to finish this and he knew he had to set his alarm early for the morning. He got back into his car after standing in the cold for almost half an hour and spent the drive home thinking about her.

There had been lots of great times with Nina, every memory he had was good, even when she was trying to hide her pain or when she was making herself be happy when he knew she was struggling. Until now he didn’t know specifically what she had gone through but he knew she had suffered. She never wanted pity and through all that she was stronger than she knew. Nina had made him want to be a better person.

The ringing wouldn't stop but I couldn't face moving to answer the phone and so I lay there waiting for the caller to give up. It was sometime later when I finally woke and noticed the bright flashing on my phone. I didn't recognise the number but had a feeling I knew who it was from. How did he get my number? And of course I knew the answer to that question too. My ever helpful friend Kara had struck again. I hit delete and pulled the covers over my head.

Instead of wallowing in the past or questioning how I could right myself, I felt strangled by my own emotions. I just shut down and pushed everything that hurt deep down inside. I refused to deal with anything that had happened and whenever I felt uncomfortable I pulled away. It was easier to pretend - I was like an actress playing me in my own life but someone else was writing the script.

People who didn't really know me have told me they loved me and people who knew me let me go. If I'm ever to have someone that knows me and can still love me then I have to be worth loving and right then I didn't feel worth much of anything.

The next day another message appeared followed by one from Kara then another and another. If he gave up soon, she certainly wasn't going to.

I tried making excuses. ‘I needed to look for a job and didn’t have time for dating.’ to which she replied that there were twenty four hours in the day and if she could fit in a full time job and a relationship then I could job hunting and one date.

‘He wasn’t my type.’ Which she countered that maybe it was time I changed my type since it hadn’t worked out so well for me far. A little bit cheeky but at the same time it was true. So I finally gave in and replied to Cam and by the end of the week I had a date and two jobs. The bookshop had given me shifts throughout the week and Ali was still in touch with Joe at The Gin Bar who agreed to take me back so I split my time between the two jobs. When Friday evening came around I was tired from working day and evening shifts all week so I didn't even bother to make an effort and I suppose I should have felt slightly bad about that.

I expected a restaurant or a bar, the typical first date venues I had experienced. Places where I would have to sit with this stranger under a spotlight and force a conversation. So on the following Saturday evening, it was something verging on delight when I realised he was taking me to an amusement arcade. I felt my old competitive edge creeping back into play as we sat into two little racing cars, side by side and I revved my pretend engine. I liked that he didn't let me win and I felt myself wanting to race to the next game and feeling an unfamiliar flush of enthusiasm.

When he had picked me up from the train station he had just flashed a smile and we sat listening to the music that blasted from his stereo. Cam didn’t ask me much about myself and neither did he offer a great deal on himself. I can barely even remember what we did talk about in all those hours we competed on the amusements, and during game after game of pool and what should have been awkward silences was filled with the revving of the pretend engines on the great machines we pushed to the finish lines.

I kissed him like I was feeding a hunger. He led me through his front door by the hand and it slammed shut behind me. I tilted my head towards him and he slid his arms around my waist. He pulled me into him and kissed me deeply, breathing me in.

My top came over my head and my jeans slid down my bare legs as we stumbled towards the stairs. We weren't going to make it and half way up the stairs we collapsed, breathing deeply and hands all over each other. I felt his hot mouth on my neck and the tightening in his jeans pressed against my front. Suddenly he wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled me against his hard chest. I ran my fingers over his arms feeling his muscles ripple as he lifted me up the last few stairs and placed me gently onto the huge, soft bed.

He pulled away only to look at me. “Are you sure?” he asked me.

I knew if I spoke, my voice would betray me. I craved the distraction, to not be able to focus for even just a few hours, to just enjoy this moment. In answer to his question I crushed my lips to his as passionately as I could, at first feeling his hesitation and then his control wavering as the moment overtook his will and he moved his mouth to match mine.

Even in the dim light I could see the desire in his eyes as he quickly shrugged off his top and jeans to reveal his beautiful body. His fingers unclipped the back of my bra and it slid from my body as his mouth moved from mine and down to my breast and I cried out in pleasure. I sighed in anticipation and in seconds his body was pressed hard on top of me and his mouth sought mine.

Alex skipped over the rest of the page unable to read the all too detailed description of what happened next. At first he had tried to imagine he was just reading a fictional book but he couldn’t stop picturing Nina and he had to stop.

I felt his skin against mine, his lips on mine and his hands in my hair. But that was all I felt and I was glad of that. I wanted him, needed him again and again.

What did it say about me that I was most comfortable in the arms of someone I knew would never love me?

He kissed me on the mouth dozily as I finally climbed out of his bed later that night. Closing his front door behind me, I winced at the click of the lock which seemed to echo in the eerily quiet street. I stood for a few minutes unsure what to do. It was too far to walk, I’d have to call a taxi and wait in the street. I opened my phone to dial and realized the humiliation in not even knowing his address and I really didn’t want to go back in to ask. I could just make out the number ‘46’ next to his door but I had to walk to the end of the road to find the street name. The cold wind nipped at my face and I just wanted to be home in my own bed.

The last thing I wanted was to stay the night with him and deal with the awkwardness in the morning, but it wasn’t just that. Since I’d had to move back home, I was under my Mother’s house rules again. Sunday was the one day we had family dinner and I didn’t want to roll in in the morning with a hangover. My savings had begun to run out just in November and I couldn’t bring myself to use what my Grandmother had left me for rent.

“I’m going to go to the shop and get some juice, I’m thirsty after that session!” he laughed. “Do you want anything?” he asked.

Yes I want you badly, over and over again. “No, no I’m fine thanks.” I replied.

I watched him pull his jeans up over his hips and slip his t-shirt over his toned torso. It was almost enough to distract a girl completely or at least it had done for the past few weeks.

“Are you sure you don’t need anything?” he asked again.

God yes – some self control! “Honestly I’m fine.” I answered.

He was gone for at least ten minutes but I didn’t dare move from the spot I was sat on his bed. At least this time I’d managed to keep my clothes on until we reached the bedroom so I reached down and grabbed my top which I pulled over my head and tried to run my fingers through my messed up hair. When he got back he brought up two glasses with the carton of orange just in case I changed my mind, then he climbed back into the bed next to me.

“Cam?” I said.

“Yeah babe?” he replied.

“Why me? I mean when we met, we barely said more than a few words?” I asked.

“You know when we bumped into each other, like literally? If that had been nearly any other girl in that room they would have been falling over themselves offering to help clean my shirt or making some innuendo about going back into the bathroom to help clean me up.” he said.